The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition)

by John Harding

  “You OK?” Claire asked, and Paige nodded.

  “I'm sorry Claire, I just …” She waved her arms around and put her hands together resting them on the bridge of her nose. “I gotta do something.”

  Claire bit her lip and watched as Paige removed her T-shirt and shorts, throwing them onto the sofa. “Paige … what you are you doing?”

  “I'm sorry, but I need to be naked.”

  “What about Jack?” Claire panicked. “There must be some other way.”

  “It's fine,” the underwear-clad girl snapped.

  “I think there is a screen somewhere, we could put that up for privacy. I can look for it or maybe if Jack and me move into the other room and …”

  “Don't worry,” Paige said dismissively and took a few deep breaths. “It doesn't matter if he sees me. Loads of people have.”

  “Paige ... umm … are you sure 'bout this?”

  “I can't sing any other way,” she explained and added her underwear to the pile. “I'm sorry if I scare your friend, but I need to do this naturally. I never sing with emotion with clothes on and I can't start now.” Claire watched as the red-haired girl gestured forcefully and sniffed. “I had a disaster when I was sixteen at a school talent show when I tried to sing with my clothes on, and I just can't to it properly when I'm dressed. It feels all wrong.”

  “It'll make for some great gigs,” Claire teased. Paige muttered an apology, opened the studio door and walked in, causing Jack to squeal in shock.

  “What the …?”

  “Yes I know, I'm naked, I'm a natural red-head as well as you can see, and I've got a birthmark on my lower back. But I can sing naked. I can't sing clothed, but I can sing naked. Trust me.”

  Jack scampered to the end of the room to close the blinds and looked at Claire as she entered the room behind the naked singer. “Did you know about this?”

  “Of course she knew about this! I'm a naturist, and we met on holiday. And I thought we told you, we won the karaoke competition and …” Claire stared at Paige, and shook her head, but Jack understood their secret before Paige stopped talking.

  “Oh my God, you two are both naturists. Do you …”

  “No we probably don't,” Paige snapped. “Apart from singing naked, which we did and won. That's it. I can't sing with my clothes on. Now are you two joining me textile or bare?”

  Claire whimpered. “Not in front of Jack.”

  “You were going to before,” Jack teased her with a grin.

  Paige coughed to interrupt Jack's teasing. “Let's try again. And please, treat me as if I was dressed,” Paige asked. “And I will be able to sing. I feel free and relaxed when naked.” Paige waited for the signal from Jack who stared at his screen and waved his hands in front of him, without turning to look at Paige. “Is that start?”

  “Yes,” Jack said, still staring at the screen and Paige giggled.

  “Then do it properly,” she snapped. “I don't care about you seeing me naked. Just don't be a twat and stare!” Jack turned around to face her with his eyes closed and gestured. Paige laughed, but composed herself and sang into her microphone, pitching the song perfectly and singing the track with energy and emotion. She beamed at the two other occupants in the room as she finished. “How was that?”

  “Perfect,” Claire cried. “Oh, I can't wait to add a backing track to this.”

  “Yeah,” Jack muttered. “Could we do that again?”

  “Why?” Claire asked. “That was perfect!”

  “Ummm … a small technical problem,” he admitted and withered under Claire's questioning look. “OK, I forgot to start recording. I had other things on my mind. It's been a long time since I've seen a naked girl in the flesh,” he explained and Paige giggled.

  “I didn't realise I had that effect on you!” Jack blushed as Paige crossed her arms and she took a deep breath. “Can we go again now?”

  Jack nodded and gave her the cue to the start. Paige performed her vocals three times before Claire added her guitar track alongside the powerful voice of Paige. The guitarist openly admired Jack's expensive guitar, but had to keep re-recording as she kept making mistakes.

  Jack also made a few rudimentary errors that he blamed on the length of time from when he last used the set, but Paige kept seeing him sneak sly glances towards her as she sat next to him, and got a pleasure out of leaning across their host to touch things on his computer or mixing deck so that her bare skin touched his body.

  They listened to the completed track, and Jack suggested that Claire should add some backing vocals which was met with a scared look by his friend. “Give it a go,” he encouraged her, and she reluctantly sang into the microphone. “You're too powerful,” Jack interrupted after a few notes and Paige got up from her seat to stand in front of the dominant vocalist. “Sing with her, not against her.” Claire watched Paige as she mouthed the song, but Claire shivered and stopped singing.

  “OK, get naked!” Paige demanded and Claire's eyes bulged.

  “What?”

  “Come on,” Paige ordered and Jack shrugged. “You are all over the place and you weren't at the karaoke. All you need to do is get out of those clothes.”

  “I'll look away,” Jack promised.

  “On holiday we won the karaoke competition. We can nail this, we need you to be comfortable.” Claire shook her head and looked longingly at her friend. “You liked it at my flat.”

  “But …” She pointed towards Jack and Paige snorted.

  “On holiday dozens of people saw you.” Claire bit her lip and turned away from the demanding girl.

  “OK. But for you. I hope you know that! This is to get you a record deal.”

  “Yeah,” Paige said with a smile. “I love you loads. And Jack, no peeking!”

  “Sure,” a nervous voice came from the other side of the room. Claire folded her clothes and passed them to Paige who stacked them on the floor next to the door, and Jack started the tracks through the headphones as Claire sang a soft set of accompanying vocals.

  Paige cheered as they finished and put her arms around Claire as Jack turned to face them and then apologised. Claire retrieved her clothes after they listened to the completed song and got dressed, although Paige was happy to wander around the recording studio naked.

  Jack supplied the three of them with alcohol, sandwiches and quiche for lunch. Paige asked why she had “leeks in her egg custard” only for Jack to stumble as he answered. “What?” She asked. “Oh you really think I am so poor I've never seen a quiche!”

  “Well …” Jack suggested and then sighed. “Well, you sort of make it so difficult for me when you say things like that!” Claire laughed at Paige's irritated face, and she took a couple of pages from her coat pocket.

  “It's the song I'd like to record. It's … about my sister. Umm, I don't want to go into detail,” she said as she looked at Jack. “But Claire, you've seen the guitar tab I want?”

  Claire gulped and nodded. “Yeah, I'll give it a go,” she promised, and Paige got up to use the toilet.

  The second half of their song recording session started with Paige delivering her own song about her sister's attempted suicide. Although she didn't explain all to Jack, it was clear that the song meant a lot to Paige as the teenager had to wipe her eyes after each take. “It's called Don't Leave Me,” Paige explained as she finished her eighth attempt, managing to hold her long, high notes perfectly with powerful emotion.

  Jack stopped Claire from getting up and looked at Paige. “I know this is your song,” he started. “And I know it means a lot to you, but I don't think you want a guitar.”

  “Why?”

  “Your voice is too perfect to have a guitar over it.” He sighed for a moment and closed his eyes. “Try a keyboard.”

  “But I can't play the keyboard,” Claire moaned loudly, and he smiled.

  “But I can.” He looked at Paige and bit his lip. “If you want me to.”

  Paige nodded, and he retrieved an electric keyboard and
looked at the guitar tab. He ran through several combinations of the music as Paige and Claire watched before taking over twenty attempts to add a backing track to Paige's exceptional vocals.

  “Do it naked,” Paige suggested. “It's easier.”

  Jack snorted, but continued to be unable to get something he was happy with and got frustrated by his own inability to perfect his track. “Give me a minute,” he asked. “I just need a quick breather.”

  Paige looked at Claire as he left the room. “Shall we try with a guitar? I mean, at least we can do that!”

  “Keyboard’ll be great. Think Sinead O'Connor and that was piano or keyboard.”

  “And a guitar,” Paige added. “Trust me. And I don't think my voice is Sinead O'Connor territory.” Her eyes met the door as Jack burst in and she squealed.

  Apart from his socks, Jack was naked, and he smiled. “It worked for you and it worked for you,” he said nodding towards the two girls in turn. “And it better work for me,” he said as the girls laughed at him.

  “How much beer and Pimms did you have at lunchtime?” Claire asked mischievously.

  “And I know I am blushing. I always do, but I want to get something good down for you and keep messing it up, so this is to stop that.”

  Paige raised an eyebrow as the muscular and well-toned man sat down at the computer and she whispered a question at Claire. “It's the rugby,” Claire told her in response.

  Jack was nervous, and the naked Paige teased him with a gentle shoulder massage as he went to play. He smiled at her, and took two further attempts to get his attempted keyboard track right, but was happy with a piano sound and Paige nodded appreciatively. “Much more powerful,” Claire agreed as they played the completed track back to the room.

  He looked at Paige for approval, but all three of them jumped out of their skins when the front door to the little self-contained flat slammed. “Oh …” Jack cried, swearing under his breath. “My clothes are in the lounge.”

  “Yeah, mine are too,” Paige added. “Claire, go out there and get them.”

  “No,” Jack shouted. “No.” Their eyes were fixed on the door to the studio as it opened and a middle-aged woman squealed.

  “Oh my God! Jack!”

  Jack covered his manhood as Paige turned away from the shocked woman. “Aunty,” Jack cried.

  “I was going to tell you, I'm going to the shops and did you want any more booze?” The woman rubbed her eyes and grinned. “But I see you are busy.” She cackled and the flamboyant woman smiled at her nephew. “You are so like your father,” she said as her eyes focused on the naked Paige. “Ahh, he loved redheads as well. 'Til he met your mother, of course.”

  Jack gulped and sniffed. “Please don't tell him.”

  “Ahh, I won't,” Aunt Lucinda promised. “He's a joyless wretch these days.” She looked at her blushing nephew with glazed eyes and giggled. “Next time lock the door,” she advised, and shut the door with a chortle.

  “Bollocks,” Jack moaned. “She's got a mouth like a foghorn when she drinks.” He looked at Paige and apologised.

  “Shall we get dressed?” Paige suggested with raised eyebrows, and when her friends nodded, she left the room to get reacquainted with her clothes.

  Jack burned her and Claire a copy of their finished songs to CD as Paige got ready. “Same time next week?” Jack suggested, and the two girls looked at each other. “I've enjoyed today more than any day in, like, months. Years, even. If you want to, I'd love to do it again.”

  Claire nodded. “I can do next week if you want to. Paige?”

  “I can do Sunday,” Paige replied and rubbed her eyes. I can do Sunday but not Saturday. If we aren't going to cause a problem …”

  “No,” Jack said quickly. “Oh Aunt Lucinda. She's easy enough to deal with. You can bribe her with any alcoholic beverage you can think of.”

  “OK,” Claire agreed and looked at Jack. “Sunday?”

  “Sure. Do you want picking up from Croydon?” Paige shook her head and held her hands out.

  “No, I'm fine,” Paige muttered and leaned in to give Jack a kiss. “As promised,” she whispered. Jack smiled at her, and they carefully opened the door and made their way to the station.

  “I can't believe he didn't know about your naturism,” Paige whispered. “Why didn't you tell him?”

  “'Cause, he is not that close a friend,” Claire replied and then sniffed. “And I don't like non-naturists to know.”

  “I think he liked it,” Paige added. “And I'm warming to him. But he is still up to something. And I'd love to know what it is.”

  * * * * *

  “Did Claire give you my number?” Paige asked as she sat down at the table of the little coffee shop.

  “No,” he said immediately and looked at the expression on the fiery girl's face. “Well sort of. She used my phone to ring you that day, and I never wiped the memory. Now, what do you want, to drink?”

  “I'm fine.”

  “No seriously, I'm going to get myself one,” Jack offered. “I'm paying.”

  Paige smiled. “OK. If you're paying, I'll have a large mocha, with extra espresso, marshmallows, cream, chocolate stick and chocolate sprinkles with a blueberry muffin, tiffin and walnut cake on the side,” Paige told him and then smiled. “Or just a small hot chocolate'll be fine.”

  Jack got up from the table, and Paige sent Claire a text telling her that Jack had met her and that she didn't want to come between them, which elicited a confused response from her friend, who genuinely appeared to have no idea what Paige was intimating at.

  “No, seriously, we are not an item,” Claire snapped, when she got fed up of the text message tennis and rang the diminutive firebrand. “And we won't be. I don't like him like that, but if you do, then enjoy yourself. Now, I've got to go, lessons.”

  “OK … fine,” Paige muttered to the beeping handset. “Impatient little witch!”

  Jack returned with a giant mocha espresso, complete with cream, marshmallows, cream and chocolate sprinkles and three pieces of confection. She groaned. “I was joking,” she told him as he took a sip of his latte.

  “Were you?”

  “Yes,” Paige scowled. “This is like a meal.”

  “Oh, well, you said you wanted it.” Paige shook her head and thanked him, enquiring as to whether spending over ten pounds on two people at a coffee shop registered as excessive to him. Jack shrugged. “Not really.”

  “So what do you want to meet me for?”

  “I don't know,” Jack admitted. “I just fancied a chat with you. I know Claire a bit and … I had a free morning, and I wanted to talk to you and …” Paige raised her eyebrows at him as he bumbled. “I want to help you record your music, and I wondered if you'd consider recording some of the music I wrote.” Her eyes narrowed, and he tapped his fingers. “Did Claire tell you 'bout Ellie?”

  Paige shook her head. “No.”

  “I was in a band called Element of Surprise and I wrote music, lots of music for our band. And my girlfriend was the lead singer, and her voice was similar to yours, so it's written for your vocal range.”

  Paige smiled and looked into her mountain of calories. “OK, right. Guess your band split up?”

  “My girlfriend and I split up,” Jack said instantly. “So the band was toast as she started going out with the third member.”

  “Oh,” Paige muttered.

  “Yeah, and the songs haven't been recorded since.”

  Paige grunted. “Sure but I don't want to record just your stuff. I have some music I've written too, but I'll need Claire's help. I don't know enough to know what instruments I want with them. I want a guitar with them 'cause that's what I had in mind, and Claire's working on that. Claire reckons we should record an album but that's a lot of songs. I dunno. She said make sure there's also a couple of covers 'cause everyone knows them but no idea what, but they have to have a guitar in them and they have to suit mine and Claire's voice and … why are you looking like that?”<
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  “I'm not, I'm just … well you've not asked me to do anything other than just mess with the equipment but I can help if you want. You know, of course that I play the guitar and keyboard, and I can do that like I did on your song, but …”

  Paige's expression caused him to trail off. “Why are you doing this?” Jack stopped at the interruption and sniffed, taking the opportunity to sip at his drink as he thought. “Is it to impress Claire?”