The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition)

by John Harding

  “Yes, thank you.” Paige snapped. “I know I may have arsed that one up, but how the hell didn't I know. And why didn't I know that my mother and father both had failed marriages. Or that …”

  “Guys,” Lucinda called as she came into the dining room. “You have half of Fleet Street in my drive. They sort of want a statement.”

  “About this?” Paige asked and pointed at the paper. “What the hell do they want me to say? Can I say what I want, 'cause I got a few things to say?”

  “We should ask Andre.”

  “We don't need Andre,” Paige spat as Claire's phone vibrated. “Let me guess, our agent?”

  “Yes,” Claire muttered and Paige shook her head.

  “Why does he always ring you? There are three of us.”

  “Well you don't listen to him,” Claire snapped as she answered her telephone.

  “He doesn't listen to me,” Paige muttered as their doorbell rang for the second time. Lucinda moved towards the dining room door, but Paige stopped her.

  “It's me they want to see,” she explained. “Let's give them what they want.”

  “Paige, do you want to get dressed first?”

  “No,” Paige shrugged. “I got an image to maintain.” She smiled and pushed her hair back. “Everyone has seen me naked, it's a bit late to be getting all modest.” Jack, dressed in his jeans and T-shirts, held out his hand as Paige tied her dressing gown. The doorbell rang again and the man hammered on the door. “Go away!” Paige yelled down the hall.

  She gave Jack a kiss on the cheek as she approached the door. “Don't say something stupid,” Jack told her and they saw Claire come up behind them.

  “Andre says you are going to be arrested if …”

  “Oh don't be so silly,” Paige shouted. “I'm on private land. And I've tied my dressing gown. Honestly, you fret …”

  She opened the front door to a battery of a bright lights and flashes. She squinted and shielded her eyes as a hand touched her hand. She pushed it away, and tried to focus.

  At the end of the drive were dozens of photographers and journalists. “Paige Simmons, I am arresting you …”

  “I am on private land,” Paige shouted.

  The Police officer grabbed Paige's arms and forced them behind her back, pulling her dressing gown open at the front and back into her shoulders. A pair of handcuffs were slapped around her wrists. “Oi, you fascist. I am on private land. Get your hands off me!”

  “I am arresting you on suspicion of offences under Section Five of the Public Order Act. It may harm your defence if …”

  “I heard it,” Paige interrupted. “This is a disgrace.”

  “Get her to the station,” the Police officer said firmly and Paige was led away, half-naked, past the photographers to a waiting Police van.

  “I bloody told her,” Claire shouted. “If she opens the door she will be arrested. Police told Andre. It's in response to the complaint Christian Outrage made.”

  “They paraded her past the hacks,” Lucinda said. “They did that to humiliate her.”

  “I'll speak to Andre,” Claire announced and picked up her phone. “And we need to get to the Police station. I'll tell him, we'll meet him there and …”

  But Jack didn't listen and just snatched Claire's phone. “Andre …”

  Chapter XXII

  “Andre,” Jack cried as he snatched the phone from Claire. “They've arrested her.”

  “I know,” the smooth-talking agent told him. “They told me, they were going to do that.”

  “But why? And why just Paige.”

  Jack heard Andre take a deep breath. “The complaint was against Paige,” the young agent replied wearily. “No-one made a complaint against Claire and you. And anyway, it was Paige that stripped and told you two to do so. She's the ringleader.”

  “But …”

  “Listen Jack,” Andre interrupted. “I know what you are going to say. It's not fair, and I agree. But the Police have had a complaint, and they have to investigate. And when they do, if there is a reasonable possibility that a crime has been committed they have to interview. And Paige admitted she had been told not to strip and did so, so you can't blame them.”

  “I can blame them for how they did it!” Jack cried. “They arrested her in an open dressing gown and paraded her in front of the cameras of the press. And how the hell did the press know that she was going to get arrested today?”

  “I don't know,” Andre admitted to him. “You know there are leaks to the press from the Police. There are back handers a plenty. I certainly didn't tell them.”

  “Yeah, I guessed that. You are always trying to get us out of trouble.” Jack sighed and tapped the bottom step of the stairs with his foot as he thought. “I need to get down to the station.”

  “No, Jack. There is a lawyer en-route to the Police station. I shall get some clothes sent down as well.” Jack snorted. “Just stay there until I get the word with what's happening. You turning up will just turn it into a media scrum.”

  “But …”

  “Listen, Jack. Christian Outrage have only made the complaint to further their own agenda. You drawing more attention to the arrest is going to play right into their hands. Don't do it.” Andre waited for Jack to hum. “But when you see her, we do need to meet up. I got some news for you all, and I need to talk about accountants and stuff.”

  “Yeah I know what Christian Outrage want,” Jack snapped and sighed. He looked at Claire and passed the phone to her. “I'm going to have a shower. And then I'm going to the Police Station. Don't care what Andre says.”

  Claire shook her head and put the phone to her ear. “Andre says he heard that,” she called out to him walking up the stairs.

  “Good. I'm not leaving Paige on her own. And he really can't expect me to.”

  * * * * *

  Paige signed the autograph for the custody Sergeant with a smile. “I'll go out the front,” she stated to him. “I've not got anything to be ashamed of.”

  “We can let you go out the back,” he announced. “S'only fair.” Paige shook her head. “We'd prefer it, actually.”

  “I've got a few things to say.”

  “That's why we'd prefer it,” the Police officer joked.

  “We haven't agreed a statement,” her lawyer reminded her. “I have said that …”

  “I know,” Paige interrupted. “But I got a few things to say that you will not approve of.” Paige shook the hand of her lawyer and moved towards the doors of the Police station. “Cheers,” she said. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

  “I'd strongly advise against …”

  “I am sure you would. But I have a life to lead. I will see you tomorrow. Maybe at a different Police station. Maybe this one. Who knows? Perhaps we could write a book about all the cop shops in Britain. I'd certainly give this one the full five Police truncheons!”

  He gave a grin. “You should stop getting into trouble then, Miss Simmons.” Paige shrugged.

  “Sorry. I'm from South London. It's in my DNA.” She gave a girlish laugh. “And anyway, you can't bitch 'bout it. How much ya earning?” He didn't respond, and the gaggle of photographers grew louder as Paige approached the door. She could see journalists dozens of rows deep and a plethora of cameras. “Am I really that interesting?”

  “You're big news,” she was told and slowly opened the towering glass doors to the Police station. Flashes of powerful bright white lights erupted into her eyes, and she bowed her head as she walked onto the steps.

  “Paige, have you been charged?”

  “What's happening with Jack?”

  “Is this the end of the Bare Necessities?”

  “Have you got a message for Christian Outrage?”

  Paige raised her hands and patted the air to indicate she wanted silence. The cacophony ceased instantly and she had a dozen microphones thrust towards her.

  “I would like to make a quick statement,” she said forcefully and exhaled sharply. “As you know I was nicked
this morning after a bunch of religious nutters made a complaint that I was naked at Wembley a couple of days ago. I have been interviewed and have been bailed pending enquiries. I have been advised not to comment further, and apart from saying that Christian Outrage are a bunch of intolerant bastards and the Police are a bunch of fascists who forced me to be naked in public when they arrested me, I shall say no more.”

  There was a murmur of laughter as Paige reached the end of her comment and she looked down at the journalists before continuing.

  “It is no secret that all three of us have had pressure from our parents, families, moronic talk-show hosts, politicians and small-minded groups like Christian Outrage to stop. Some say, it's about sex, but it isn't.” Paige gestured with her hands and spoke assertively as she did. “I can't begin to tell you how being naked, whether alone or with people, makes me feel. I am calmer, I sing better. It is me. We are not doing anyone any harm so why do people see fit to try and ruin it for us?”

  She gestured behind her. “Why do the Police see it as so wrong for me to sing naked when it is clear I sing much better with nothing on? Why does it offend them? I am getting mightily hacked off that we are getting harassed so much for being naturists. Why does society hate us? What the hell have we ever done to you? How many people like Christian Outrage and Peter Moran and all that have actually tried naturism before condemning it?”

  Paige cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. “All we want to do is to enjoy ourselves and make good music. Why was my brother beat up for me being a naturist? Why have all the skeletons been dragged out of our families' closets? Why are there lies printed about us in the papers? It's enough to make people angry. We just want to be left alone to make our music. So that's all I got to say. Sod ya all.”

  Paige looked beyond the hundred people in front of her and the satellite trucks behind them and into the distance. “Is it true that you and Jack are romantically attached?”

  Paige snorted. “For that to happen, he would have to ask me out, and that hasn't happened. Now I have a bus to catch, and nothing further to say.”

  The gaggle of questions started again, and Paige had to push her way past the group of journalists, eager to talk to her, to get the comment for their newspaper or TV show.”

  “Paige, Paige,” Jack cried from the back of the group, and she smiled at him. He held up the keys and called her again. “Want a lift?”

  Paige pushed past another reporter and ran across the Police station car park to the BMW Jack owned. The two of them were photographed repeatedly as they tried to make a quick exit, but Jack pulled out onto the main road before the paparazzi could follow them. “Thanks,” she muttered. “How long were you there for?”

  “Long enough,” he told her and smiled. “Andre told me you were being released. He's coming to the house and wants a word.”

  “Oh what the monkeys does he want?” Paige moaned, but Jack dialled their agent from his car.

  “Something about some exciting news!”

  * * * * *

  “Hello stranger,” Claire teased as she opened the door to Lucinda's house. There were a still several photographers and journalists at the end of the drive, and Claire shut the door as soon as Andre entered the room.

  “Afternoon,” Andre greeted her as he came into the house and Claire led him into the spacious lounge, with the curtains drawn across. He smiled. “Privacy?”

  “They were coming up the drive earlier,” she moaned. “Jack nearly mowed them down when he drove away.”

  Andre shrugged. “You're hot property,” he said with a broad grin and then shrugged. “Isn't this what you wanted?”

  Claire sat down and shook her head. “I feel like, it's out of control. Paige is just set on trying to beat everyone, Jack is trying not to upset anyone, and half of the media hate us. It feels, too manic.”

  Andre licked his lips. “And what do you want?”

  “I don't want to be hated,” Claire put her head in her hands and groaned. “I just want everything to be like it was when we first went on tour. We didn't have all this.”

  “But now you are selling tens of thousands of albums, playing to Wembley and … err … festivals.”

  Claire snorted. “It's not about the money. Hell, my mother was begging me to stop, Jack's father has made his position perfectly clear, and Paige won't tell me what her parents think, but as her brother got beat up because of us, I'd say it's not good. Maybe we are just too crazy.”

  Andre sat down next to her. “You're not,” he soothed. “You lot are a bit different. Well so were the Sex Pistols when they played music, and they had problems. So were Black Sabbath and hundreds of other musicians. You are popular because you are good, don't forget that.”

  Claire smiled. “I know you have to say nice things to us because you are our agent.”

  “I have to look after my clients,” Andre corrected her with a smirk. “And particularly my favourite clients.”

  “You mean the ones that make you the most money.”

  “The ones that are the most talented.” He cocked his head as she blushed. “OK, we have mostly ex-musicians trading on back catalogues and fourth-tier footballers. It's not that difficult to be our number one client, but … well … all the work and requests and stuff for you, I've been working eight 'til eight. And we have a temp in working solely on your account. If this keeps up, we are going to need to get permanent staff in and possibly a new office. And it's all thanks to you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. Well all three of you. I'm working full-time on it, my uncle's working part-time and we have a temp in doing clerical work and … the 'phones have been ringing off the hook. We had a fault at the radio mast yesterday, and the 'phones went silent for two hours. Greg phoned O2 back up the moment they came back on and asked them to break the damn masts again so he could get some lunch.”

  Claire laughed, and she bit her lip. “Don't you want a break from it all? I mean, naturism was all about escaping everyday life and being at one with nature. It just feels that instead of taking the tranquility of naturism to our life, we've just added the manic-ness of life to our only escapism. We've done it all wrong.”

  Andre stared at her for a moment. “You sound like you need a break from it all. Go and recharge your batteries.”

  Claire smiled. “Yeah, I think I do.”

  “OK. Go.”

  “No, I mean it. Just cut off from the world. I know the place, but … I don't want to take Paige and Jack. They are my friends, but I need to get away from this. And if we go, it will turn into another media circus.” She gulped. “And they will be annoyed if I go without them.”

  Andre sighed. “OK then. As a friend …” he flinched as Claire raised her eyebrows. “… OK sort of a friend. I would say, go. I've got a big festival lined up for you at the end of the month, it's days away. Have a few days away and chill. I'll envy you, but do it. You sound like you need it.”

  “I can't do it on my own,” Claire muttered and then smiled. “But I'll do it with you.” Andre stuttered, and Claire giggled at the alarm on his face. “Come on, you've not done naturism properly. And I reckon you need some time away too.”

  “I've got a very big account to deal with. And a client who insists on getting arrested every twenty minutes!”

  “Paige is a big girl,” Claire told him. “Well actually she's short and skinny. I'm the big girl, but Paige can look after herself. Come on, it might be the difference between me continuing and not. I need a break as these past few weeks have been relentless and if I can't find a way to switch off then it'll just kill me.”

  Andre suspired wearily. “You three are definitely the most demanding clients I have ever had!”

  “And the most profitable?”

  Andre laughed. “Yeah, I've got an accountant looking through that at the moment.”

  “Please Andre, just the two of us. Somewhere remote and quiet.”

  Claire's conversation with Andre was interrupted as Jac
k and Paige came into the house. “You should see them out there,” Paige cried. “Ten deep. I thought we were going to have to run the buggers over, but Jack just used his horn.” She turned to her friend and sighed. “Didn't you ever play Grand Theft Auto?”

  “No,” he muttered and Andre gestured for them to sit down.

  “Very quickly, I have a contract for you to sign. The big Hyde Park Festival, they want you to open it.”

  “You're kidding,” Paige cried and looked as her agent pulled a wad of paper from his briefcase. “Seriously. Why the hell … don't they know everyone hates us?”