The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition)

by John Harding

  “That's why I'm running the factory for the time being,” she teased and smiled. “But I bet you like the money we'll make of it, right? Just think of that. You might have a wedding to pay for anyway. That Paige is a lovely girl and Jack is obviously smitten with her,” she added with a broad grin as she picked up her coat.

  * * * * *

  Paige clapped her hands together in the evening dusk and looked across at her sister. “Hello? Hello? Can I get everyone's attention please?” A few commuters stopped and looked across at the beer garden where the red-haired singer was sat with her sister, and a sizeable number of her sister's classmates and friends. “Hi,” she shouted and coughed. “I'm Paige, member of the Bare Necessities and my sister here, Hazel, made a bet with her friends that if I got to number one in the singles' charts, she would sing naked in town.” Paige turned to face her blushing sister and told her to stand up. “Isn't that true?”

  Hazel nodded and the small group of commuters began to swell. “Yeah,” she muttered as a handful of her friends sniggered behind her.

  “And what happened to I Am Free a few days ago?”

  Hazel pursed her lips and sniffed. “Reached number one,” she muttered to whoops of delight from her friends behind her.

  “So what do you need to do?” Paige teased with a giggle.

  “Sing naked,” Hazel admitted to Paige's wild gesturing.

  “So Hazel Simmons,” Paige asked, playing to the ever expanding group of commuters stopped outside the pub and in the small beer garden. “I believe you have to sing my song that got you to number one!”

  Hazel squeaked. “Yes.” Paige passed her the imaginary microphone and all eyes fell on the anxious teenager. Paige looked to see her shift from one foot to another and her classmates began to giggle and taunt her little sister.

  She saw Hazel's hands shake and the nervous teenager rubbed her nose and took a few deep breaths. She was getting anxious and Paige looked at the younger girl in the eye, and smiled warmly at her, but it was not reciprocated. “Don't,” Hazel cried as one of her classmates pulled at the waist of her trousers from behind her. “I can do it.”

  “Well do it, girlie,” the heavy accent of her friend called back. Paige glanced over at the assembled commuters and saw a restlessness in both them and Hazel. Paige had suspected that her sister would have doubts at having to sing naked in front of a group of strangers and unbuttoned her own skirt, pushing her underwear and tartan clothing to the floor.

  A few wolf-whistles punctuated the lecherous encouragement that Hazel was experiencing and, as Paige's bra joined her pile of clothing on the pub table, she looked at Hazel. “Come on, let's sing it together. Just us sisters. Unless anyone want to join us?” Her eyes glanced towards the assembled crowd, and then watched as her sister slowly stripped, to cheers and claps.

  “Thanks,” Hazel whispered. Paige simply smiled and held out her hand that was taken by Hazel, before starting the introduction to her song that was proudly sitting at the top of the singles' charts in seven countries.

  Hazel's hand stopped shaking as they reached the chorus and dozens of people joined in singing, although none were prepared to lose their clothes. Paige watched her sister as she smiled broadly during the second verse and, although the two girls were far from pitch perfect, they got a round of applause at the end of their rendition.

  Paige nodded towards her friend's classmates, most of whom were filming Hazel's show. “Cowards,” she cried, as her sister frantically got dressed. “The lot of you. Should have joined us.”

  “Ahhh … we aren't like you,” a teenage girl cried.

  “What?” The naked Paige asked as she stared at her sister. “Brave? I know!”

  “I don't want people seeing me naked,” the slightly podgy girl spat back. Paige sneered and shrugged.

  “You've got nothing to be scared of,” Paige snapped with raised eyebrows. “You've got way bigger assets than me!” The crowd laughed at Paige's indignation, and she turned to her sister balancing on one leg as she put her trousers back on. “It was fun, right?”

  Hazel pulled her jeans up to her waist and sniffed. “Yeah, a bit” she muttered and Paige reached forward to hug her.

  “Then now you understand,” she replied.

  * * * * *

  “I declare the Bare Necessities Naturism Centre open!” A naked Paige cut the ribbon as dozens of flashbulbs lit up the hall, and she looked at her naked band members either side of her. “We have spent a lot of time doing this up,” she announced to the small crowd of naturists. “And we have activities and fun for everyone. Let's Party!” There was a small round of applause and Paige jumped down from the stage.

  Paige was not lying; the old childcare centre that Christian Outrage had wanted to save was on large, but crucially secluded premises and Paige's eyes had lit up the moment she had seen the property a couple of days before the auction.

  The vast majority of their new “Naturism Centre” was a newly opened childcare centre, offering excellent value-for-money childcare for those parents happy to have naturist experiences for their children and the band had installed Paige's mother as the manager. Jack had wanted to call it the “Kinudergarten,” but Paige had said the play on words was too subtle and they instead named it “The Bare Necessities Kids Club.”

  Paige had installed a well equipped naturist youth centre consisting of games, a lounge, activities and a cinema room at the front of the building – and separate from the childcare part of the business – as well as the promise of plenty of garden parties and events in their expansive green space at the rear of the property.

  Paige's dad hugged her as she helped serve champagne to their guests. “Looks amazing,” he told her as glanced around the colourful big hall that lead out into the garden. “Proud of you. Should be a nice little home-from-home.”

  “Yeah,” Paige agreed. “And let's hope we can get some people to try naturism, eh? We are thinking of putting a hot-tub on the patio for Spring next year.”

  He nodded and smiled, looking around the room. His eyes fell upon Greg and Lucinda, and he bit his lip. “What's she doing here?”

  “Oh Dad, please don't cause trouble,” Paige muttered. “She is Jack's aunt.”

  “I know who she is, but …”

  “Go and speak to her, make some peace with her,” Paige suggested and pressed her naked body against her father as she hugged him again. “She'll be spending a lot of time around us.” Robert snorted, and Paige cocked her head and looked into his eyes. “For me? I don't want to have to separate our families, and if Jack ever asks that question and I say yes, then you two will both be at the top table.”

  “Hey, but …”

  “It's OK,” Paige interrupted. “If he was to ask tomorrow I wouldn't, but one day he might and I would probably say yes. So please, go and speak to her, just say hello.”

  He caught Lucinda's eye and forced a smile at her and she rubbed her eyes, looking back at him. “I'll go say hello,” he muttered, and the naked man strode over to see his naked ex-wife.

  “Hello stranger,” a voice whispered from behind Paige. “You miss me?”

  “It's only been five days,” Paige replied and purred as he kissed her neck. “But yes, I've missed you.”

  He spun Paige around to face him and licked his lips. “Now I know why you spent four hundred and fifty thousand,” Jack teased his girlfriend with a grin. “We better extend our tour by another twenty dates to pay for it.” Paige giggled, and she turned around to face her partner.

  “We don't need to,” Paige said airily and stroked her hair back. “It came out of the advance. As well you know!”

  “Yeah, I don't mind. But I was hoping that we might be able to get a place together and put a recording studio in it as well,” he suggested and watched Paige smile at him. “And I know Claire will want to get a place with Andre.”

  “Not necessarily,” Paige replied and Jack's eyes twinkled. “OK, what's that look for?”

  “
Nothing. Well, not until Claire tells you.”

  “What? Tell me what?”

  Jack's resolve crumbled under Paige's withering stare, and he sighed. “Just that Andre and I were in Hatton Gardens last week.” Paige's scowl turned to confusion, and he scratched the back of his head. “The jewellers.”

  “What?”

  “He was looking at engagement rings,” Jack whispered, and Paige gasped.

  “Like diamonds and stuff! She didn't tell me she was engaged and …” Paige scanned the room for her bandmate and Jack had to grab her by the arm.

  “She's not. And Andre didn't buy one. But he wanted to go and have a look, so we did. And I think he is going back. Really does it surprise you? They've moved into Andre's new flat, been on holiday together. Always being photographed out together.”

  “Are they?”

  “Yes. Don't you read the gossip columns I leave lying around the house?”

  “No,” Paige snapped. “Well, not since they printed photographs of me in a bikini.” Her eyes looked at Jack. “I promise you, that bikini was photoshopped onto me. I would not wear something like that. It's a disgrace that was. I was swimming naked, I swear.”

  “I know, you wouldn't wear one,” Jack teased and looked around the colourful hall. “It's a good use of space,” he complimented her. “I think it will be busy.”

  “Of course,” the fearsome young lady replied. “We will be playing here as a free gig to the local youth. “It's out first stop on our new tour.”

  “You never told me.”

  “I did!” Paige answered back. “Just now.” Jack laughed, and Paige kissed him on the cheek. “You know. We took the childcare group off Christian Outrage. We should have gone for the church as well.”

  “They aren't selling the church,” Jack told her, but Paige just snorted. “And I don't think they would sell to us.”

  “Maybe not.”

  “Oh, and did you know that Sue's court date is in the New Year. I got a thing through asking me give evidence yesterday, but we'll be in Australia then. But they have the video, so I don't know why they need me. It's with the lawyers”

  “Just after your good looks and charm,” Paige sycophantically replied with a broad smile.

  “I suppose you heard about Peter Moran?”

  Paige hummed. “Sort of. Claire mentioned something about him being arrested for being a nonce. I knew there was something up with him.”

  Jack rubbed his nose. “Yeah, looks like he's been up to no good with a neighbour's daughter. Quite a scoop for the Herald. They beat the Police to the story.”

  “Amazing,” Paige said with a barely-concealed smile. “Where do they press get their information from?” She looked across at Claire talking to Andre and then back at Jack. “You know, Claire's family has a new house, and her mum has a florist to run. My family have a new house and my mum is running our childcare centre, and my dad'll be looking after the youth centre. Andre has Incredible Talents and Lucinda has the order for the factory for all our merchandise. Don't you want to get Harriet anything?”

  “No,” Jack snapped and scratched his chin. “Not at all.”

  “She's still your sister.”

  “I know, but I don't want to. Maybe when she has kids I can be a good influence on her offspring.”

  “Like Aunty Lucinda was to you.”

  “Yeah,” Jack muttered and nodded towards the naked Deputy Mayor of the town. “But at the moment, I might love her, but I don't like her.” Paige tutted, and he shrugged. “And anyway, you haven't sorted out Hazel.”

  “Ahh,” Paige muttered. “I was meaning to talk to you about that …”

  * * * * *

  Paige put her hands together above her head and clapped her hands. “Give it up … for the Bare Necessities!” She blushed as she ran naked onto the stage to a rapturous applause.

  “Hi. Hey, this is our first time in Jamaica,” she shouted. “And this is the second stop on our worldwide tour. And it's our second one that's free-eeee-eeee!” There was a cheer, and she smiled. “The first one was in Southend, and it rained!”

  Paige lapped up the delight from thousands of attendees of the naked beach party and beamed. “We're gatecrashing your party,” she shouted and looked towards the dozens of local artists who had performed, or were due to perform during the day. “And we are the only non-Jamaican act here, so from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.” Paige nodded towards her colleagues.

  The three of them had taken the eight weeks Andre spent hurriedly arranging their “Xposed tour” by perfecting their sound and writing a handful of new songs, as well as sorting out their families' futures. Andre had told them that just turning up naked “didn't cut the mustard,” so he had enlisted a couple of set designers to help the trio perfect their stage with some colourful boards.

  The crowd loved their performance with the assembled audience knowing dozens of their songs. Paige lapped at the adulation and beckoned a couple of enthusiastic fans from the crowd. “You want to sing with us?” She asked, and they looked shyly at each other. “Ahh, you've been singing along all afternoon.”

  The audience roared with exuberance as Paige demanded that the two girls – who were no older than she was – strip naked, before she sang Cotton Tails with them. They were noticeably off-key, but they had wide grins as they finished and Paige hugged them both, before getting the crowd to give them a deafening cheer as they left the stage.

  As their allotted time drew to an end, Paige stood confidently on the edge of the stage as she lapped up their excited cries and appreciative whoops. She signed hundreds of autographs as she leant over the stage while the band posed for photographs and followed their performance by joining the audience naked, to appreciate the local Jamaican music.

  As tea-time approached, Paige disappeared backstage with her partner and met up with her teenage sister. Hazel passed Jack his rucksack with a grin as Paige looked around their small beach shelter, that had become their dressing room. “Where's Andre?” Paige asked their agent's new assistant and “Bare Necessities Band Manager”.

  “He's with mum and dad,” she replied. “After the show they wanted to go back to the hotel. Mum wasn't feeling too good in the heat and Jeremy was hungry.”

  “And Claire?”

  “Oh she's with her family. They went half-an-hour ago.” Paige looked at Jack. “She wanted to go for a meal with Andre and her folks.”

  “I guess that's just us alone then.”

  “Err … what about me?” Hazel asked.

  “Oh come on then,” Paige moaned. “I want to get something to eat. I'm starving.”

  Hazel smirked. “It's OK. I'm winding you up. I've already got a dinner date.” Paige's eyes widened. “He played before you. Nice guy, asked if I could get him a record deal.”

  “Hazel, we are off to America tomorrow to start the tour properly. And as Band Manager …”

  “Yeah, I know. It's only a date.” She sighed and brushed her red hair back. “If you weren't with posh-nuts here, you'd be on the lookout too. And, I'm a career agent now as well, it feels good. I'm looking for new talent. And I think he's supremely talented. In every way.”

  “Oh Hazel,” Paige snorted derisively. “Did you have to tell me that?”

  “What?” Hazel muttered. “You told me to lighten up, enjoy myself and not care what people think of me. So I am going for a date after I have overseen the packing up of the set and it going off towards the States. Which is my job and then it's funtime.”

  “Just be careful,” Jack warned her and she smiled. “Not everywhere is as safe as home.”

  “She's from Croydon, I'm sure she'll be fine,” Paige added, and shook her head as her sister skulked from her with a grin and a wave. Paige turned to Jack. “So I guess that really is just us two then. And I think you are supremely talented too! Do I get a date?”

  “Yes,” Jack replied. “The moment you are dressed, we can go to a restaurant.” Paige looked down at her bare body and s
ighed.

  “I almost forgot,” she gasped and looked around the small shelter for her clothes. “You forget don't you.”

  “Well you do,” Jack teased, and she smiled. “But I love you for it.” Paige beamed, and the naked girl held out her hands and hugged Jack tightly.

  “Yeah, and I love you too,” the teenage singer cried. “Even though you're a posh bastard!”

  Note from Author

  Hello there again,

  Thanks for reading my book – or at least getting to the end of it. I hope you enjoyed it. Whatever your comments are, then I would like to hear them, good or bad. Please take the time to drop me a line at my website, or post a review to wherever you downloaded my work. It is the only way I can hope to improve as an author. Thank you.