by C. A. Harms
When he shifts on the couch, the blanket falls away from him, and his strong leg peeks out from beneath. I remain perfectly still as I watch him sleep.
The time I’ve had away from him has been anything but easy. I’ve missed him. It feels good to know he’s there, even if there is nothing I need. His presence alone is comforting.
Looking around, I see that the apartment is a disaster, and it makes me smile. He’s never been great about picking up after himself. However, since I’ve been gone, edit’s gotten worse. It’s like a frat house with empty containers of food sitting on the coffee table, a few beer cans scattered around, and countertops littered with items that did not made it to the garbage.
Maybe it’s the wrong way of thinking, but I like knowing that he’s a hot mess without me.
“You can’t have it.” I look back in his direction, my heart rate spiking from his words. “I told Heather if you wanted the pillow you had to come to get it for yourself, but I changed my mind. You can’t have the blanket either.” With this, he pulls my comforter in tighter to his chest and hooks his leg around it to gain that extra security. “In fact, you can’t have anything else. It all stays.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah.” I take a step closer and see his throat bob as he swallows hard. This movement alone makes me feel so raw inside. “If I can’t have you, Reese, then I can at least pretend that you’re still here. Maybe then it won’t fucking hurt so much.” He closes his eyes tightly, as if to will away the pain. Heart breaking now for him as well as me, I find myself taking another step in his direction, my eyes clouding with unshed tears.
“I understand that I was wrong,” he whispers hoarsely. “What I don’t understand is how you could think I would’ve slept with Renee when I had you here waiting for me.”
“I never thought you’d lie to me,” I confess, sitting on the arm of the couch. He opens his eyes, and their bloodshot presence holds me captive. “You’ve always been the one person I knew I could always count on. I was safe with you.”
“You can, and you still are,” he assures me, finally sitting up. “I was afraid of Renee coming between us so I lied. Now I know that was the dumbest choice I could’ve made because in the end, it still cost me the one woman I truly want.”
My heart feels as if someone is reaching inside me and squeezing it with a fist so tightly that it’s caught in my chest, paralyzed, unable to beat.
“I love you, Reese,” he declares in a raspy voice. Punctuating every word, Dawson repeats, “I. Love. You.” Every drawn out word pierces my heart. He twists his hands in front of him, as if to keep them busy and keep him from reaching out for me. “I’ve wanted you for so long, even when I knew I shouldn’t. The hardest thing was pretending that what I felt for you was nothing more than friendship. When on the inside, I wanted to make you mine. I need to know: Are you mine, Reese?”
Tears continue to cloud my vision, and when he grows hazy from the effects, I look down to hide my emotions.
“I can’t lose you. I knew after I held you and kissed you that going back to just friends would be nearly impossible because you were suddenly more. So much more. If you want us to return to just being friends, it will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’ll do it. For you Reese, I’d do anything.” I look back at him, as a panic I don’t expect fills my chest. “If I cannot have you fully, then I’ll learn to settle with being just friends. I know it’ll kill me, but I’ll push through it. I can’t live without you in my life.” He clears his throat, “ It’s too damn hard.” I nod my head in agreement because it is hard. My mind is so messed up, but not because I don’t believe him. Once my mind is set on something it is hard to let it go.
I think a big part of me already felt that he hadn’t slept with her. I was just too stubborn, a downfall of mine. Each time I allowed myself to picture them together the way they once were, I’d fall down that rabbit hole all over again. The one that made me feel like I was the girl he was using to pass the time until she came back to him.
“I’m having a real hard time distinguishing the boundaries between an understanding friend and a jealous girlfriend,” I confess, looking at the floor before me. I try to hold back the emptiness I feel inside. With my lips trembling, I take in one deep breath after another attempt to calm myself. “I don’t know how to separate the two.”
I hear him move as the blankets fall to the floor next to me. Suddenly, Dawson is standing before me, his hand reaching out to cup my face. With just the right amount of pressure, my chin lifts, and I find him looking down at me. “The thing is, you don’t have to be jealous. Because I love you, Reese. I love you.” His nostrils flare, and I recognize it as his way of holding back his own emotions. “I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you.” He leans in, resting his forehead to mine, taking in a deep breath. “You’re all I see.”
We remain in that position for a few passing seconds before I stand up and wrap my arms around his middle. Dawson accepts me, holding me to him tightly, as if he’ll never let me go. The hardness of his cast pushes against my spine but I don’t care. I need to feel him. I have so many unanswered questions, and I know we’ll get to that. For now, I just want to stay like we are. I want the ache inside me, the one that has been there from the second he left that morning, to just to go away.
“Come back home, Reese,” he whispers against my forehead. “I promise I won’t push for more than whatever you’re willing to give. I just want you here. You’ve always been with me.”
I tuck my chin in closer to his chest and inhale him, realizing just how much I’d missed the smell of his body wash, or maybe it is only Dawson alone.
“Though I’m not sure how I’d handle it if you bring a guy around.” That empty feeling hits me once more. “That just may be the one thing I can’t take. Another guy touching you will drive me over the edge, Reese. Another guy touching what’s mine will kill me.”
I smile, knowing that he can’t see the way his confession pleases me, the way I want to let him know that I’m all his.
“You need to understand that Renee is my weakness.” I don’t look up at him, only hold on to him tighter to ensure I’ll remain in control of myself. Looking at him is too hard in my vulnerable state where I’m sharing what I’ve felt for weeks. “I can’t pretend that I’m okay with her being back in your life.”
“She asked me for help, and maybe I should’ve said no.” He definitely should have said no. “But she’s hit bottom, and everyone else has turned their backs on her.”
“Everyone but you.” I push back from him, suddenly needing space. “Why do you think that is?”
Dawson
“It’s not what you think.” I feel that familiar panic hit me. “I don’t have unsettled feelings for Renee, or some lingering need to get her back.”
“Then why, Dawson? What made you run to her and lie to me?”
It is just now that enI get a glimpse of the hurt in Reese’s eyes. It was there before. I knew it was. But now that she stands before me, staring back after baring her thoughts and fears to me, it gives me the chance to see it with transparency. The sense of betrayal. The doubt. The fear. It is all there in plain view.
“When she called I didn’t even recognize the number because I don’t still have it programmed in my phone. She didn’t even sound the same with her voice shaking like she was scared.” I lift my hand in a nervous twitch and fist the hair at the back of my head. “She started crying and told me that she didn’t have anyone to turn to. She wanted my help, and the only thing I kept thinking was, ‘What kind of person would turn their back on someone when they were practically begging to be saved?’”
I see the way Reese looks away from me, as if the reason behind my actions isn’t good enough.
“If you’d gotten a closer look at her—”
“I don’t want to get a closer look,” Reese challenges, crossing her arms over her chest. I feel a smile tug at the corner of my mouth, strangely
satisfied by her jealousy.
“But if you looked,” I arch my brow as I wait for her to interrupt once again. When she doesn’t, I continue. “You would see what I saw. What I see. You would see how strung out she is. How thin and frail she looks. How terrified she feels that she’s reached the bottom and has no way out.”
Now Reese pays attention, though I can still sense her hesitance.
“She can’t weigh more than one hundred pounds. Her hands twitch while she looks around constantly like someone is out to get her. They’re all effects of her cocaine addiction.” Reese’s eyes widen. “Not once during the time I sat with her in the bar of her hotel did she act as if she was searching for more than a helping hand. She hugged me once outside and thanked me because no one else offered her what she desperately needed. What she needs to heal. The day you showed up at our place, she’d been here only a few minutes before and never once stepped inside this apartment. She knocked, and we left.”
I want to take Reese back into my arms, but I understand her need for space.
“That was the second time I’d seen her since she called and it was the day I dropped her off at the rehabilitation center that I got her in to. They agreed to take her into their six-week treatment program.” Reese looks toward the floor, and I don’t miss the way her chest rises and falls as she takes in one deep calming breath after another. Maybe it is in relief. I don’t know.
“She asked me to help her, and I did. The only thing I regret about it is that I wasn’t honest with you in the beginning.”
“Why weren’t you?” She lifts her head, and I look into her piercing green eyes that are now filled with tear.
“Because I stood next to your bed that morning, looking down at your sleeping form, and the only thing I thought of was that I couldn’t lose you. So I thought I’d sneak out, figure out what Renee needed, tell her I was in love with you, and move on. It was supposed to be simple and lead to no interruption of what you and I had.”
“It was so easy for you to lie —” I shake my head in disagreement before she even finishes the sentence. “You looked me in the eyes—not once but twice—and told me that you were helping Kevin.”
“I know.” I reach for her, and she backs away. That was the one thing that broke us. “I knew Renee would make you feel threatened because she’s always been the one you couldn’t stand. Even before things changed between you and me, I understood she was a hard limit for you."
“But you still helped her?” I slowly nod. “I’m trying not be selfish about this and understand that she needed a friend. You being the white knight of a guy you are couldn’t say no. But you have to understand it isn’t as easy as it sounds.”
“I do.”
“All you had to do was tell me.” Reese allows her arms to fall to her sides. Anger fills her as her nostrils flare in frustration. “It’s simple: ‘Reese I know you won’t like this but Renee called, and she needs help. I don’t know what’s going on yet, but she sounded bad. I’m gonna go talk to her, but I can promise you it’s nothing more than a friend helping a friend.’ Why is that so hard?!?”
She screams the last sentence, choking on her tears.
“I deserve more than your lies. Renee got the truth, and I got the lies. How am I supposed to be okay with that? Tell me, Dawson, because I don’t know how to let it go.”
“I can’t tell you how to do that.” I want to be able to make her forget, but I know there is no way I can. “You are the only one who can choose to forgive me. I can only assure you that I’ll never lie to you again. Whether it can hurt you or not, I promise to be completely honest about everything going forward.”
“And I have to be able to accept that you’ll do just that.” It is debatable as to if that is a question or a statement. I just know that whatever it is, it’ s the line drawn between us moving forward or staying in this ugly rut we’re in now.
“Where do we go from here?”
“That’s up to you,” I tell her, the ache of losing her all over again hitting me hard. “I will say though that I’m hoping we get past this because as I said, I don’t want to lose you, Reese. I want you as mine.”
“Hey .” I turn around, seeing Reese’s silhouette standing in the doorway of the reading room. Her body is highlighted by the light shining from the one single light above the stove. “Why are you sitting in here in the dark?”
“Just thinking,” I look away from her because it is too hard to stare when I can’t even touch her. She’s decided to let the other apartment go. Although Reese has been back for only a few days, and we’ve agreed to work through the distance between us, it feels like we are even further apart. It hurts. Damn, does it hurt. We spend most of our time avoiding the other, passing in the hall, offering a smile or nod like almost strangers. It’s torture.
“Anything I can help you with?” She asks, her bare feet tapping against the tiled floor as she takes a few steps closer.
“Unless you have some type of magic power I don’t know about, one that can erase the last couple months, then I don’t think so.” I instantly hate my response, although it’s the truth.
She grows silent. Honestly, I have no idea what to say. So I too remain quiet. I’d hoped that with her moving back home, things would be easier for us to repair. It is just the opposite, and I am not sure how to deal with it. How to deal with us.
“Couple of months, huh?” I nod. “So back to before you and I—”
“I’m trying really hard right now not to get frustrated, but you automatically assuming that I’m talking about us is making it hard.” I turn in the chair just enough to see her face in the darkness. She is close enough now that I can see her clearly. “I don’t know what to say to you, how to show you that I don’t regret us. I’d do that part all over again even if it leads us to this moment right here. You wanna know why?”
She doesn’t reply but tilts her head slightly.
“Because for just a short time, I felt what it was like to have you as mine. I felt your body against mine, and I got to see that look on your face when you got lost kissing me. So when I’m talking about the last couple months, I’m talking about all the bullshit, all the shit that fucked up my chance with you.”
I’ve given her doubt, I know that, but I’ve also been patient and understanding too. I’ve accepted her looks of disappointment, her lingering discomfort, and not once have I ever questioned any of them. I put them all there, so I have no right to question her reactions. But I’m tired, I'm defeated, and I have nothing left.
“I’m sorry,” I say, hanging my head as I close my eyes. “I don’t know what to say to make you see how much I regret—”
“You don’t have to say anything.” I look up just as she walks around the chair I am sitting in. “I know I haven’t made things easy on you, and I’m working on it. I swear I am.” She kneels down on the floor before me, her hand resting on my knee. “I just wanna be able to look at you again and not see her hugging you, or her—”
I reach out, hooking her under her arms, and pull her into my lap. A surprised look covers her face. Wrapping my hand around the back of her neck, I pull her lips to mine, forcing her to see something else other than the fucked up visions she’s created in her mind. “See me,” I whisper before kissing her again. “See us,” I whisper again, her rigid body now relaxing in my arms as she melts into our kiss. “I want you, Reese. Only you.”
With my forehead resting against hers, I close my eyes and circle my arms around her, holding her tighter. It feels like forever since she’s been in my arms. A warm feeling mixed with both longing and peace floods my body as I finally have Reese close to me again. I don’t want this feeling to end. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want us to end.
Reese combs her fingers through the hair at the back of my head, and I give in to the comfort it provides. For the first time in weeks, I’m able to let go of the fear I’ve felt inside. My body sags against hers and I feel her lips brush over the corner of my mouth.
“I’ll get there, Dawson,” she whispers before kissing me once more. “I promise.” Her lips tremble when she kisses me a second time just before I feel a tear drip onto our lips.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I assure her. “It hurts like hell to have this distance between us, but you’re worth it. You’re worth everything, Reese.”
“You’re worth it too. I love you, Dawson.” An ache settles deep in my stomach. Reese loves me too. “That’s what makes this even harder. Because even if I wanted to walk away, I don’t think I could and survive it. Not with my heart intact.”
“I’ll chase after you,” I say through a smile when she softly laughs. “I’m talking follow you wherever you go and drive you insane until you come back to me kinda shit.”
“Stalker much?”
“Only the best stalker, the Fatal Attraction kind for you, babe.” I pull back to look at her when she wrinkles her nose. “Okay, so without all the violent moments. Though if there is ever another guy in the picture, I could most definitely reach that level.”
She smiles while I remain entirely straight-faced. I wasn’t even joking a little. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll have to move to Siberia or something to escape the chances of ever witnessing her with another man.
“I like the idea of you getting jealous and going all cave man. Does that make me petty and immature?”
“No,” I say as I push the hair back from her face so I can stare into her big green eyes. “It just means that my chances with you aren’t completely shot.”
Reese
“This is Gizmo,” Dr. Daphne says as she lifts the beautiful tabby cat onto the table. “He’s lost sight in his left eye, and has had an ongoing battle with diabetes.”
Gizmo, laid out on the cold steel table, turns his head in my direction. His purr box is already going as he stretches his paws out before him. I can’t stop myself from running my hand over his head as I scratch gently behind his ears.