Blurring Lines

by Chloe Walsh

  Cade held my face between his hands and stared into my eyes. “Did they …” His breath hitched and he groaned and pressed a kiss to my forehead before closing his eyes and resting his head against mine. “Did those men rape you, Kenzie?”

  “Yes.” But I learned how to separate my mind from my body and after a while I began to cope with it – enjoy it even. “All of them and more.” And when those men fucked me, I used to pretend it was you. “I’m sorry, Cade.”

  “What are you sorry for?” Cade shook his head and stared at me like I’d grown an extra head.

  What could I say? I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t fight back. I couldn’t tell him that there were moments when I imagined it was him inside of me and enjoyed it. Cade would hate me – think I was dirty.

  I am dirty …

  I clenched my eyes shut to hold in the tears.

  “None of this was your fault.” Cade’s voice was soft. His hands were gentle and his touch was tender. “You were abused, Mackenzie – violated.” He kissed my forehead again, and this time I shivered with pleasure. “Baby girl, those men are the one’s who should be sorry. Not you. Never you.”

  “I’m a whore.” I chanted the word over and over as the tears poured down my cheeks. “I’m a whore.” I dropped to my knees, feeling weary and distraught. “I’m a whore.”

  Cade dropped to his knees in front of me. “You are an angel,” he corrected me, kissing away my tears.

  “I let them do it, Cade,” I sobbed. I felt like a dam inside of my body had burst open. I wanted to confide in Cade. I’d been waiting for him … “I didn’t fight back. I didn’t say no. I did everything I was told to do.”

  “You survived, Mackenzie,” he coaxed. “That’s the only thing you did. You didn’t choose any of the things that happened to you. What you chose to do was live, Mackenzie. To survive and I’m so damn thankful to you for that.”

  “The pills …”

  “The pills saved your life,” he replied quickly. “Without those pills, you would’ve ended up like the others girls. You know this.”

  “Did you ever regret it?” I asked, folding my body into his.

  He held me tight and I felt safe. “Did I ever regret what?” he kisses my hair.

  “Me.” I lowered my face. “The kiss.”

  Cade stiffened and I remained motionless in his arms. “No,” he finally said. “I have never regretted a second I’ve spent with you, Kenz, but there’s something you need to know …”

  “Mackenzie, sweetheart, are you alright?” The bathroom door swung inwards. “You’ve been in here an awfully long time – oh, my God!”

  Sharon stood in the middle of the bathroom with a horrified expression etched on her face. “What are you doing, Cade?” She looked at my face for a brief moment before turning her attention to her son. “Half-naked and sharing a shower.”

  “Nothing’s going on here, Mom,” Cade assured her, gently releasing me from his arms. “I just … we were …”

  “Get out of that shower, Cade,” Sharon hissed, red-faced. “Right this minute, or so help me, I will drag you out of it.”

  Reluctantly Cade released me, and with a heavy sigh, he climbed out of the shower. “You’re handling this all wrong,” he told his mother before leaving the room.

  I remained motionless, kneeling on the shower floor, staring up at Sharon’s shocked expression.

  “Your father asked me to come check on you,” she explained haughtily before taking a towel from the rail and draping it over my shoulders. “He’s so worried about you.”

  I held the edges of the towel together with my hand and watched as Sharon left the room only to return a few minutes later with a small pile of clothes.

  “I know you’ve been through a terrible ordeal,” Sharon said, placing the pile of clothes on the closed toilet lid. “And I am so relieved and thankful that you’re home, Mackenzie, I really am.”

  But …

  “But this is the real world, honey,” she told me. “And in the real world, it is not acceptable behavior to … shower with your stepbrother.”

  “My stepbrother,” I repeated slowly, churning the word around in my mind. “Cade is my …”

  “Yes,” Sharon said in a firm tone of voice. “Cade is your stepbrother now, and I will not tolerate what happened in here between the two of you ever again. Is that clear?”

  “Is that clear?” I thought about it for a moment, but nothing was clear in my mind. “He was comforting me,” I tried to tell Sharon, but she interrupted me.

  “He is not supposed to comfort you in the shower, Mackenzie,” she explained angrily. “Not with you naked and him halfway there.” She sighed as she turned for the door. “What would poor Emily think?”

  My blood ran cold. “Who is Emily?”

  “You remember Emily, don’t you? Emily McAllister?” Sharon opened the bathroom door and stepped into the hallway. “Emily is Cade’s girlfriend, and I doubt she would be very happy with what happened here tonight.”

  Sharon closed the bathroom door, and I was left on my own again with only my memories for company and a huge pang of jealously that threatened to choke me.

  Climbing to my feet, I stepped out of the shower and stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

  I had spent the past three years dreaming about Cade – using the image of him to keep me sane.

  To keep me alive ...

  He was the one thing I clung to when those men robbed me of my dignity.

  This hurt me.

  This hurt me more than a lot of what I had been through.

  The thought of Cade with Emily caused me physical pain.

  He was supposed to be mine.

  But he was dating Emily.

  Emily McAllister.

  ****

  Mackenzie

  February 27th, 2006

  “So, Mackenzie. You’ve been home three weeks,” Anna announced with a smile. It was Saturday afternoon and we were sitting on the couch in my father’s lounge with a pot of tea on the coffee table accompanied by a flower-patterned plate filled with Sharon’s homemade cookies. Anna obviously didn’t need to visit during weekends, but it made me feel a little safer considering I’d seen her every day that I’d been in hospital. “How are you settling back in?”

  “Okay,” I told her, because it was the truth.

  I had been home three weeks and things had been okay. My father was trying hard to make up for lost time and had taken me shopping in the city and out to dinner last weekend.

  Meanwhile, Sharon was doing everything she could to keep me away from her son. She was nice to my face, but I knew what she thought of me. Sharon didn’t want me tainting her son. That’s why she kept Cade out of the house, running ridiculous errands, and purposefully altering dinner times so that we never ate together.

  Nowadays Cade was either at school, working at the mechanic’s yard across town, or running errands for his mother. And on the rare occasion he had free time, Emily was right there in the wings waiting to swoop in on him and claim that precious time.

  “Have you been getting out – meeting old friends and socializing?” Anna asked before picking up one of the shortbread cookies and stuffing it in her mouth. “Mmm,” she moaned and her eyes widened in delight. “So good,” she mumbled, taking another cookie.

  Anna kind of reminded me of someone having an orgasm when she ate. She enjoyed having that cookie in her mouth way too much for my liking, and her moans were turning me off shortbread for life.

  “I don’t have any friends,” I reminded her. “None that want to be associated with a prostitute at least.” And the one friend I thought I could rely on is being kept away from me …

  Anna’s expression softened. “Mackenzie, you are not now nor have you ever been a prostitute.”

  “Yeah.” Right …

  Reaching for her notebook, she browsed through a few pages before glancing back up at me. “I see you got the all-clear from the hospital yesterday.” She of
fered me a smile. “That’s wonderful news, right?”

  “Yes,” I replied in a flat tone. “I’m thrilled that I didn’t catch AIDS or any other sexually transmitted diseases while working for Mast … those men.” Shrugging, I added, “It’s nice to be clean.”

  “Mackenzie!” I heard Sharon shout in an appalled tone from the other side of the closed lounge door, which only proved that she had been eavesdropping on my therapy session.

  Anna frowned at the door before focusing her attention on me. “I know you’ve been through hell and back,” she said in a hushed tone. “And it’s normal to be feeling all of the emotions that I’m sure are coursing through you right now.”

  Reaching forward, Anna took my hand in hers and gave it a little squeeze. “But we need to focus on you moving forward from this. The past can’t touch your future, Mackenzie – unless you allow it to.”

  “What are you suggesting?” I asked, closing my eyes for a moment as I reveled in the touch of Anna’s hand. “How … how can I fix myself?”

  “Find the girl you used to be.”

  “That’s impossible,” I muttered. I didn’t feel like that girl anymore. I wasn’t her. That was the problem. How could I find the old me, when I was absolutely certain she was dead? She had died from the rape and the shame and the utter loneliness she suffered ...

  “It’s not impossible. You need to rediscover the girl you were before the abduction,” Anna explained. “Find value in yourself and take an interest in life. You are eighteen years old, Mackenzie. Maybe you should be living the life of an eighteen-year-old …”

  I twisted sideways on the couch to face her. “So you’re saying what – I should go back to school? Follow my old patterns …?”

  Anna nodded. “School would be a pretty good start. You surpassed every one of your tutors’ expectations when in hospital, Mackenzie. You are bright – exceptionally bright. I can pull a few strings, have a word with Principal Lowery and have you back with your old classmates by Monday.” Anna’s brown eyes lit up as she spoke and I knew she thought returning to school was a good idea. “It can’t hurt, Mackenzie.”

  “But what if that girl is gone forever?” I whispered. What if everyone thinks I’m a whore? “What if …” I paused and inhaled a steadying breath before saying, “What if all I am now is what those men turned me into?”

  “You are the creator, designer, and implementer of the person you are, Mackenzie Moore,” Anna told me passionately. “And you are stronger than you think. You can do this. You can take your life back ...”

  The door of the lounge opened, interrupting our conversation.

  “Shit … sorry,” Cade muttered, as he stood in the doorway wearing nothing but a pair of navy shorts, and holding a soccer ball in his hand. Cade’s bare stomach was on display and I soaked in the image of his sun-kissed skin, ribbed abdominal muscles and that sinfully sexy tattoo. “I didn’t realize you guys were in here …”

  “Cade Mathews. You’re just the man I’ve been looking for.” Anna beamed up at Cade’s flustered face and beckoned him into the lounge.

  “I am?” Cade looked from Anna to me and swallowed nervously. “Why’s that?”

  She patted the cushion between us. “Come sit.”

  “Is this necessary, Dr. Rosetta?” Sharon had miraculously appeared at the lounge door, blocking Cade’s way. “I mean, why would you need to include Cade in Mackenzie’s therapy session …?” Her words trailed off as her face reddened. “It just doesn’t seem normal to me.”

  “It’s perfectly normal to include old friends and family members in therapy sessions, Mrs. Moore,” Anna replied coolly, eyeing my stepmother with a look of distaste, and I mentally high-fived Anna for shutting Sharon up. “Besides, Cade is over eighteen. He can tell me himself if he doesn’t want to help Mackenzie.”

  “He has plans,” Sharon blurted out. “With his girlfriend – she’s leaving for Jacksonville tomorrow night …”

  “I want to help Mackenzie,” Cade announced before stepping around his mother.

  “Cade,” Sharon hissed, but Cade ignored her. It was quite comical really, watching Sharon’s horrified expression as Cade walked into the lounge and sat on the couch between us.

  “Close the door, will you?” Anna asked sweetly, and for a moment I thought Sharon was going to blow a head gasket.

  I stared in wonder at Anna who smirked and winked back at me.

  Sharon’s face turned the color of fire. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before eventually slamming the door shut.

  “Sorry about my mother,” Cade husked, bringing me back to the here and now. I turned to look at Cade and my mouth suddenly felt dry. “Mom’s not good with stuff like this,” Cade added before clearing his throat. Leaning against the back of the couch, he was careful not to touch any part of me as he stared straight ahead at the fireplace. “She’s a little highly-strung.”

  “I noticed,” Anna shot back wryly. “So, let’s get down to the heavy. Why are you here, Cade?”

  ****

  Cade

  February 27th, 2006

  “So, let’s get down to the heavy,” Kenzie’s therapist asked in a no-bullshit tone of voice. I like the woman already. “Why are you here, Cade?”

  “You asked me to …” I began to say, but Anna raised her brow at me, letting me know that she wasn’t about to buy my flimsy excuses.

  “Don’t overthink this, Cade,” Anna told me. “Just say what you think – how you feel. Why do you want to help Mackenzie? Why are you here?”

  Shrugging uncomfortably, I clasped my hands together on my lap and forced my eyes to remain locked on the fireplace and not on Mackenzie’s bare thigh. Jesus Christ, she was sitting right beside me and I felt faint. The thought of what Kenzie had been through made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to wrap her up in bubble wrap.

  She looked fucking beautiful ...

  I got why my mother reacted the way she had about the whole shower incident the other. Mom thought I was going to fuck this up. She was terrified I was going to blur the lines. Mom knew how I felt about Kenzie when we were younger, she saw how broken I was when Kenz disappeared, and she was scared to death that I wouldn’t be able to control myself around her, but telling Mitch about it was fucking wrong.

  Of course, my stepfather had had a conniption fit. I didn’t blame him. If Kenzie were my daughter, I wouldn’t be too fucking happy about catching a guy in the shower with her.

  But I wasn’t just any guy. I was the guy who’d spent the best part of my life loving her. I was under strict orders now, by Mom and by Mitch to keep my distance from Kenzie.

  Apparently our parents were terrified that I was going set Mackenzie’s progress back. From Mitch, this was an excuse I believed. It was valid. The man worshiped his daughter, but my mother was behaving like a goddamn bigot. Mom’s attitude towards Kenzie reminded me of a movie I once watched where this Amish widow fell in love with an outlaw cowboy. Her family disowned her, treated her like she was scum of the earth even though all the widow was guilty of was falling in love. Well, Kenzie wasn’t guilty of anything, and my mother still continued to treat her like a pariah.

  “I’m here because I feel responsible,” I admitted in a gruff tone. It was more than a feeling. It was a fact. I was responsible.

  “What do you feel responsible for, Cade?”

  “Everything that happened to Kenz,” I whispered. “All of it.”

  I couldn’t save her back then. I tried. I tried so damn bad, but I just … couldn’t. It was a hard pill to swallow and I was still fucking choking on my regrets.

  Kenzie shifted on the couch beside me, her knee touched mine, and my whole body sprang to life.

  “So you feel guilty?” Anna continued. “For something you didn’t do and had no control over.”

  “Yes I feel guilty,” I hissed. How could I feel any other way?

  “Why Cade?” Anna pushed. “Why should you feel guilty or even remotely responsible? You were only a
child – the same as Mackenzie.”

  Rubbing my face with my hand, I had to take a minute before I could answer – otherwise I was pretty sure I would roar. “I should have protected her that night,” I finally choked out. “And I didn’t. She was put through all of that stuff because I didn’t protect her. I took her out to the woods. I was supposed to keep her safe and I let her wander off on her own …” Shaking my head, I turned and looked Anna in the eyes. “So don’t tell me that I’m not responsible because I’ve been going over it for almost four fucking years and …”

  “You are not responsible,” Kenzie suddenly piped up, causing me to freeze mid-sentence. The feel of her skin on mine when she took my hand in hers was almost too much. “I don’t hold you responsible for what happened to me, Cade,” she said in that raspy tone of hers. Kenzie held my hand so tightly in hers – giving me so much trust that I felt fucking sick to my stomach. “And neither should you.”

  “How can you say that, Kenz?” I asked, forcing myself to look her in the eye. With my eyes, I implored Kenzie to understand my hidden meaning. “I should’ve taken better care of you – saved you …”

  “You couldn’t have saved me, Cade,” Mackenzie replied softly, her eyes locked on mine. “You were just a kid ...”

  “So were you, baby girl,” I hissed and then immediately regretted calling Kenzie baby girl. I needed to stop that. Damn it ... “I should have done more …” I suppressed the urge to roar. “Ugh. I shouldn’t have taken you out there …”

  “I wanted to be there with you, Cade,” Mackenzie countered, twisting sideways. Folding her legs beneath her, she leaned towards me. “I chose to. It was my choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about …” Closing her eyes, Kenzie inhaled a deep breath and I watched as a small smile crept over her face. “You gave me years worth of memories that kept me alive,” she whispered, tapping her temple with her finger. “In here.” She placed her hand over her chest. “And in here.”