Playing Heart to Get
Page 14
“Oh Cay, think nothing of it. Consider it done. I love you, see you soon. Call me if you need me in the meantime, though,” she assured me.
“Love you too Megs. Thanks, drive safe!” I replied.
We hung up, and I texted the address to her. I then put the phone in my pants pocket. I didn’t want to go downstairs. Whether Britney was still here or not, didn’t matter. I wouldn’t emerge from this room for at least another two hours. I wanted to give Meg a good head start so I could avoid having to talk to Alexi. I was a coward, but I didn’t care. Coward it would be then.
I had already decided in the shower that there wasn’t anything left to say to him. Now I just hoped that if he heard me moving around up here, he wouldn’t worry and come in search of me. But who knew what was going on downstairs. For all I knew, he probably didn’t even give a crap what I was up to. He probably washed his hands of me. He may not have been nice to Britney, or acted appropriately about the baby news, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t change his mind and fall back into bed with her.
My imagination was running wild now because I pictured them downstairs banging on the kitchen floor, rattling cabinets, and knocking pots and pans to the tile. They did make the perfect couple. Two beautiful people that would surely have a beautiful baby. That child would have the looks of a god or goddess, and you’d probably turn to stone from laying your eyes upon he or she’s perfection. Ugh! Rest. I needed rest.
I pulled out my phone again from my pocket and set an alarm for two hours, then placed it on the nightstand. I laid down on the bed and held a pillow to my face, so I could scream into it a few times. That was not at all satisfying. So I flipped over onto my stomach, and let sweet oblivion take me.
***
Alexi
If this was my baby, then Britney was nothing more than the vessel that carried him or her. All I would care about is the bitch’s health and overall well-being—while she was pregnant. Afterward, I would provide for them both. But most likely I would go after custody for the kid because Bitch Britney wasn’t fit for this role.
I was just consumed by all these thoughts. Thoughts I never would have had before today. Christ, if I did get custody, then maybe Caylan and I could still be a family. She and I would still surely have a kid or two of our own. Shit, did she even want kids? There are so many things we never got to discuss because we were just at the start of this relationship. I just hoped she could accept me if I were already a father. Christ, this was so frustrating. I didn’t know which way was up or down. But this is still all a little too premature to be thinking about. I’m getting way ahead of myself. I couldn’t get Britney out of this lake house fast enough.
I had been talking in circles with Britney for almost two hours. She would never see things my way, and I would never see things her way. She eventually put her clothes back on and acted like a pissy brat because I didn’t fall for her game. She was ready to play ball and was coming at me from all angles. But I was not going to share the court with her, or volley the ball back her way.
I finally got her to leave after a lot of convincing. Unfortunately, that came with the promise that as soon as I returned to the city, I would call her so she could come over and talk further. I had a feeling it wasn’t that simple. I wanted to be on my own territory still. It may not be neutral ground, but I was not going to her place by any means. She supposedly lived with a gaggle of girls, and I was not interested in walking into that trap. I had never been to her place, nor did I ever want to go to her place. We always fucked at mine.
Truth was, I didn’t really even know a goddamn thing about Britney. That notion wasn’t going to change, though. Britney was trying to lead me around by my dick, and she thought she had the upper hand. She did at the moment, however, because of the bombshell news she laid in my lap. But, she didn’t have me by the dick in any other sense. No, this dick and all forms and fashions of it, strictly belonged to one Caylan Bree Peters—I recently found out her middle name and loved it. So in the end, Britney and I accomplished nothing. At least I didn’t have to look at her another minute the rest of this weekend. She ruined the most perfect getaway I ever experienced, and I would never forgive her for that.
I wanted to go check on Caylan, but she gave me explicit instructions to leave her be. I was burning and aching to be near her. I wish she didn’t push me away, but I knew why she had. I knew I pushed her away while Britney was here—we were just two peas in a fucking pod she and I. I could hear movement a few hours ago, but then there was dead silence. God, that sounded fucked up. I decided I would deal with the consequences of disobeying her, and ran upstairs.
I slowly opened the door, and thankfully it didn’t creak. There was my angel asleep on the mattress. I walked up and stood at the foot of the bed, and gazed at her lovingly. I could easily see her breathing. Her face was tense, though, as if she was having a nightmare—or her mind was battling whatever demons were waging war. I wish it was a peaceful rest, but I suspected it wasn’t. I knew it was selfish, but I had to touch her; even if it was only for a minute.
Before I got on the bed, I couldn’t help but pull out my phone and snap a picture of her. She was so beautiful sleeping. I needed to have this reminder on my phone. It was my reminder to protect her. She needed me, and I needed her. I then curled up next to her, and wrapped her securely in my arms. I put my nose to the beautiful tresses of her ponytail, and inhaled deeply. I sighed with relief. She gave me comfort without even knowing it.
After a few minutes, I reluctantly let her go and moved off the bed. I took one last look and then quietly crept out of the room, and gently shut the door. I walked downstairs and sat on the last step and thought, now what?
Some time later, the doorbell rang. Oh fuck, not this again! If it was Britney, I’d probably go to jail for verbally accosting her. I was not in the mood to go toe-to-toe again. Verbal sparring was not my forte. I opened the door and about fell over from shock. It was Meg. I had never even been formally introduced to her.
“Meg, what the fuck are you doing here?” I demanded.
“Nice to meet you and see you too Alexi,” she said in an acerbic tone.
Oh shit, this couldn’t be good. She didn’t even wait for me to invite her in. Instead, she just stormed right by me into the foyer, and rounded on me.
“What the fuck did you do to Caylan you asshole?” she yelled. For the second time today, I found myself asking a woman to keep her voice down.
Then I cautioned, “Caylan is asleep. She needs rest. I know about Greg. It’s a long story about what happened after that, but it has nothing to do with what happened to her last year. She has a past, and I have a past. Let’s just leave it at that. If she wants to fill in the gaps for you, then so be it. But this is between Caylan and I.”
“The fuck it is!” she lashed back.
I didn’t know what to make of Meg. I had never met my equal in a female, as far as the department of vulgarities and obscenities. If it weren’t for the fact that she was probably coming to take Caylan away, I might actually like her. She wasn’t the type of chick to bullshit and beat around the bush—I totally respected that. She was more of a dude than she was a chick. So kudos to her for having balls probably the same size as mine.
“Oh, she’ll tell me alright. We’ll have the long car ride home to talk about it. Well anyways, I’m here to get her. She called me, and I came. That’s what family does. Now where is she?” Meg retorted.
She was a little ball of fury. So much so that her glasses slid down the bridge of her nose from her little speech, and she had to push them back up. For added emphasis, she glared at me with daggers. I just stood there. I couldn’t believe Caylan wanted to leave. But hearing Meg say it, made it all the more real.
She was leaving me. Did that mean for good?
“No...,” I strangled out. “I don’t want her to go” I said sadly.
“Alexi, it’s not about you. It’s about what’s best for Caylan. You didn’t hear her when she
called me. I’ve only heard her voice like that one other time, and it was the day after the attack. She was so broken. She’s come a long way since then. She was doing fine…until you showed up. I’m just going to be blunt about it,” she conveyed a little gentler this time.
I countered with, “But I love her. It may sound ridiculous to you given the fact that I just met her. But it’s true. I haven’t even gotten the chance to tell her!”
Meg studied me for a second with that perceptive gaze. I felt like I needed to tug on the collar of my t-shirt or something, it was so uncomfortable being scrutinized this way.
After a brief pause she spoke, “I wouldn’t have believed it unless I saw it for myself. I believe you. But you know what I also believe? You have to set her free.”
No! is what I screamed in my head.
I did love her. Could I let her go if I loved her? I closed my eyes with total resignation, and knew the answer, yes.
***
Caylan
I heard the alarm on my phone blaring at me to get up. Ugh! I so did not want to get up. I had the strangest dream. No…nightmare. No…dream. It was strange.
At first it felt like I was being pulled into a pit of quicksand. No matter how hard I tried to climb out, the force kept pulling me under. My feet and hands just couldn’t get purchase. It was an awful feeling. But then an outstretched hand pulled me up and held me. I couldn’t see who it was, but the person was warm and strong. As I was waking up and still clinging to the lingering vestiges of my dream, I imagined it was Alexi who held me. It was as if I could still feel his arms around me—like phantom arms. But he wasn’t here in the bed with me. So strange.
I decided I couldn’t hide out in here much longer. I knew Megs would be making her appearance, if she hadn’t already. The way that girl drives, she had probably already arrived an hour ago. So I took one last long look around the room. Call me sentimental or nostalgic, but I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by all that had happened here in the last twenty-four hours.
With a heavy heart, crowded mind, and burdened shoulders, I grabbed my bag and walked out. I started to make my descent down the stairs, and I could hear Meg and Alexi talking in the foyer. It sounded as if Meg was scolding him. She was doing that high-pitched-Mama-Bear thing she did when she went into protective mode. Oops, I guess I didn’t really think this through before I unleashed the hounds.
I came into view and the only crystal clear thing I heard was Alexi saying, “Then Caylan should go.”
I about tripped over my own feet, but caught myself at the last second. They heard my approach and turned to me. I’m sure I looked like crap, so I didn’t even think they knew I had heard that last bit he had just admitted.
So it was official. He didn’t want me. He was letting me go.
There really was nothing left to say now. All the words had already been spoken. I didn’t even think he owed me an explanation. Meg walked over to me and hugged me fiercely.
She took my bag from me and said quietly, “I’ll give you a few minutes to say goodbye. I’ll be out in the car.”
Wow, that was poignant. To say…goodbye.
She gave a little two-finger salute to Alexi, and exited the house. My eyes had followed her the entire way until she shut the expensive stained-glass front door. I had nowhere else to look now but at Alexi. He was still in the same white t-shirt and blue and grey pajama bottoms that he had put on when he made us breakfast this morning. Those pajamas were the ones that helped me study. Those pajamas were the ones that held me when I told him about my past. Those pajamas were the ones that carried me. And those pajamas were the ones that let me go. I hated those pajamas.
His eyes were slightly puffy, as if he’d been crying. His hair was a disheveled mess. He was completely wrinkled and rumpled, from what I would never want to know. His feet were bare on the marble floor. Despite his state of dress, he was without a doubt the most heartbreakingly, beautiful being. Tears stung the backs of my eyes.
I knew it was going to hurt, and it was going to be agony to say the words. But I would force myself to do it. I looked right at him, not even flinching or backing down. I was going to be strong. I had recently told him that I wouldn’t survive a hurt like this again. A part of that was true. I would suffer in silence for eternity. But another part of me found some inner peace in knowing that in the short time that I had known him, I had found a profound kind of love.
This is the kind of love that you chase after your whole life. I knew no one would believe me if I told them that I would never love like this again. They would think it was stupid since we had only just met, that I’m too young, too dumb, or that I’m too naïve. Some cliché would be cast my way about the fact that I hadn’t even lived enough, or experienced enough, to know true love.
Well they would be wrong. In my short life thus far, I had lived through a lot. So whether you’re twenty-two, or fifty-two, when love finds you, age is irrelevant. I didn’t go looking for love—it found me.
I wanted to filet him open like I felt, but how is that love? As damaged and devastated as I was, I found myself being grateful somehow. Alexi opened my eyes. Now I could finally know what it was like to be touched by a man you love in the most beautiful way. He gave me that. He gave me myself back in a way, despite being brought back down only hours later. I really loved him, so I was going to let him go. Was he really ever mine in the first place? So when I finally found the courage to speak, I was proud of my resolve.
“Thank you, Alexi,” I whispered serenely.
He took a step back as if I struck him, and his face had a surprised expression. I gingerly walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek—I didn’t dare linger.
“Take care of yourself,” I said under my breath, as I turned my head.
I opened the door and then closed it. I walked down the front steps and got into Meg’s sedan. She didn’t even say anything as we drove away. Once we were a safe enough distance down the road and I could no longer see the lake house in the sideview mirror, I let myself fall apart.
***
Alexi
I let her go and she let me go. It was over.
She fucking thanked me! SHE FUCKING THANKED ME!
I heard my knees crack on the marble floor as I came crashing down. Love is truly the proverbial end to all things.
Chapter 16: Witches and Stitches
Alexi
Four weeks. It had been four fucking weeks. I wasn’t worth shit these days. After I left the lake house that Saturday night and headed back to my condo, I practically drank myself into a coma for a few days.
I had called out of work for a week, not going into detail with my superiors regarding the need for time off. I didn’t give a fuck. I had plenty of time accrued, and my colleagues would help pick up the slack. Administration wasn’t happy about my time, but they would have been more unhappy if I showed up in the condition I was in that first week. Surgeries and appointments could be rescheduled, and life would go on.
Liz called to check on me, but I couldn’t be bothered. I hated being a dick to her. I know she cared, but I had been through the wringer. I even avoided my three best friends. They texted and tried to convince me to go clubbing, but fuck that! They didn’t even know about Britney or my angel for that matter, so they wouldn’t understand. What seemed to finally bring me back to work the second week, was a need to return to normalcy. Or at least a poor attempt at it.
I didn’t even want to see Britney that first week. She tried calling and texting dozens of times but in my inebriated state, I was an impenetrable fortress of solitude. The second week after getting back to work and trying to regroup, I knew it was my duty to call Britney. So I made plans to see her that weekend. It was a brief encounter, mostly with her trying to persuade me to fuck her. I once again refused each one of her advances. I also pressed her for information as to when her first ultrasound would be, since she had said she was at least seven weeks pregnant now. She was far enough along to have a
transvaginal ultrasound performed, so I didn’t want her bullshitting me any further. She said she would find an obstetrician, and I had given her plenty of recommendations.
The bitch seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing, so my natural reaction was to be skeptical. I asked her to produce some kind of proof of her confirmed pregnancy through a blood test. She said she’d get a copy of the results from her doctor. I even asked her what her hCG levels were, and she hadn’t a clue what I was referring to. I had this feeling I was being trapped, and it was suffocating. The thread of my control was unraveling.
Mid-third week, I had Britney over on a Wednesday night desperately wanting to keep it short and simple. She jumped in my lap and ripped my shirt open. So much for being fucking simple. As gently as I could, I pushed her away. She did not like being turned down and had slapped me across the face—hard—calling me an asshole. She said I’d be sorry for letting her go. I knew I wouldn’t be sorry for letting her go. I would never regret that.
I only had one regret of ever letting go of a woman. I couldn’t even bring myself to say her name now. Even testing out her name in my head was too difficult. The pain would ripple through my chest with lightning accuracy. It took everything in me not to call or text my angel. I broke my phone at one point that first week when I was with drink. So I had no idea if I ever tried to reach out to her, even after I got my replacement phone.
When the fourth week began, I still had this sinking feeling I couldn’t shake. I kept waiting for the other fucking shoe to drop. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when at four weeks to the day when my world had originally fallen apart—it managed to keep falling further.