“Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster,” Tim said.
“You have no idea.” Susan looked at Tim’s plate. “Are you done eating?”
“Yep.”
“Do you have time to help me with something before you have to go back to work?” she asked.
“Sure. What’s up?” Tim stood to go put his plate in the sink, and Susan followed behind him.
“Well, I washed the sheets, but getting them back on by myself is quite the chore now that my belly’s so big. I forgot how much growing happens during the last month. I feel like I’m going to burst, and my back is killing me,” she explained.
Tim put a hand behind her neck and pulled her in for a quick kiss. “Of course, I’ll help.”
Susan smiled, then turned around and led Tim by the hand into their bedroom. As they pulled the freshly laundered sheets over the mattress, Susan watched Tim’s body move. He was strong, and lean, and she suddenly craved his arms around her. She’d been sleeping so much better since he’d been beside her at night, and she found herself longing for his touch even during the middle of the day.
Once the bed was made, Tim pulled her close to him and rested his forehead against hers. “I can’t wait to get into this clean bed with you tonight,” he said.
“Me either,” Susan admitted, glad she hadn’t been the only one thinking about how nice it would be.
“Is it weird to you that we still haven’t had sex?” she asked plainly. “I mean, we’ve been married for almost three months, and I know for the first little while we weren’t spending any time alone together, but still.”
Tim pressed his lips together for a moment before answering. “I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s weird. Our marriage arrangement wasn’t exactly traditional, so I assumed that would carry over into being intimate as well.”
Susan nodded. “I just don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you, but it’s just weird to think about having sex with you while I’m still pregnant with a baby that’s not yours.”
She had her arms wrapped around Tim with her hands on his back, so when he stiffened at her words, she could feel the muscles in his back tighten in protest.
“Wow,” he said slowly.
“Well, it’s true. I’m just being honest.”
Tim’s jaw tightened, and he nodded his head a few times. “Oh, okay. Well that’s great then. Good to know how you really feel.”
Susan released her embrace and took a step back. “What? Why does that bother you so much? This baby isn’t yours. It’s mine and Clarence’s. Those are the facts,” she said.
Tim’s nostrils flared. “You’re right. I’m so sorry that I thought for just one minute that I had a right to love this baby too, and that even though I’m not the biological father, he or she would still be mine in a way. My bad.”
“Your sarcasm really isn’t helping anything,” Susan pointed out.
Tim crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, no? Gosh. I guess I’m just as useless as you think I am.”
“You’re being so dramatic. Can you please just calm down? I don’t know how we even got here.”
“No, Susan. I won’t calm down about this. I’ve given you everything I have. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding as you’ve navigated your way through your grief and the newness of our marriage. I’ve tried to help you with your business and your family. I’ve stepped back and tried to be thoughtful about what my role is and where my influence should start and stop. I’ve been doing my very best to accommodate you, but this is too much.” Tim’s chest was heaving, and he started pacing the room.
“Sometimes I still wonder what I’m even doing here. Why don’t you tell me how I’m supposed to feel welcome when you see the need to remind me of the one thing that I can’t change or control. Why’d you see the need to throw it in my face that the baby my pregnant wife is carrying isn’t mine? I thought we agreed that you wanted me to love it as if it was my own. Shouldn’t that start now?”
Susan stared blankly at Tim. She didn’t know how to calm him, and she didn’t really want to either. She hadn’t meant to offend him, but clearly that didn’t matter to him.
“Are you really just going to stand there and say nothing?” he asked as he restlessly ran his fingers through his hair.
Susan opened her mouth to reply, but her mind went blank. She couldn’t even muster up the energy to defend herself, or her intentions.
“Fine.” Tim said as he stormed out of the room.
Even after she heard the front door slam, Susan didn’t move for several minutes. She didn’t understand why he’d gotten so angry. She’d only stated the facts.
* * *
When Tim got back to work, his anger started to dissipate and as he rehashed the situation in his mind, he realized he’d probably overreacted. Susan’s words had felt like a giant slap in the face after all these months of helping her and the boys get through this difficult time, but she wasn’t wrong. He was not the father of the baby.
He had gone into this arrangement knowing that Susan would require a lot from him for quite a while. He hadn’t expected her to be pregnant when they got married, but he also hadn’t expected to marry her and have a doting wife tending to his every need. He’d signed up to serve her with the hope that he could ease her pain, lighten her burdens, and also make her fall in love with him.
On that first day when she’d told him she wasn’t looking for love, he’d worried that he’d been matched with the wrong woman, but over the last three months he’d seen her walls start to fall down around her. They’d shared so many moments where Tim felt the love Susan had for him, but she hadn’t expressed it out loud to him until that day. Unfortunately, she’d done it with the dreaded phrase, “I love you, but…” and Tim had snapped.
He’d asked for little to nothing from Susan except that she try to open her heart to him, and the one time he got a glimpse into how she was feeling, she’d decided to slap him with the “This isn’t your baby” statement, and it hurt.
“Are you okay?” Steve asked. “You haven’t said a word since we started out.”
Tim and Steve were pushing cows from one grazing pasture to another that afternoon, and he was right. Tim had been unusually silent for the past two hours.
“I’m struggling,” Tim admitted. “Susan had to remind me that the baby she’s carrying isn’t mine today. I just don’t feel like I belong here.”
Steve grimaced. “That sucks.”
His honestly made Tim chuckle. “Yeah, it does. I’ve been trying so hard to help her, and show her how much I care. It just makes me think that she doesn’t think I’m good enough to be this baby’s dad.”
“Have you told her that?” Steve asked.
“Not in so many words.”
“You can’t imagine how much she misses her first husband, and how hard it must be to have a piece of him that she hasn’t even seen growing inside of her, while she can’t have him back,” Steve pointed out.
“I guess I never really thought of it that way,” Tim said.
Steve shrugged. “You have to understand that when a child is born, it’s the only way we pass on pieces of ourselves. I’m sure that baby will call you dad, and I’m sure that’s exactly what Susan wants, but it won’t change the fact that he or she will carry a piece of Clarence inside of them.”
Tim thought about what his friend said for a moment. “You’re right. I can’t change that. All I can do is love Susan and that baby, and hope it’s enough to help them feel the joy they’d be missing without that kind of love in their lives.”
Steve nodded. “Exactly. You’re not here to replace Susan’s first husband. You’re just supposed to love her too.”
* * *
Susan was cleaning up from dinner when she really started to worry that Tim wasn’t ever coming back. After she’d done all the dishes and wiped down the table and the counters, she looked at the clock. It was after eight and she still hadn’t heard a word
from the man. She decided she’d better call him, but then only ended up more frustrated when her call went straight to voicemail.
She’d told the boys over dinner that he must’ve gotten caught up with an emergency or something, but deep down she wondered if he’d just left her and gone back to Colorado. Their fight earlier had been pretty ugly, and looking back she realized how cold she’d been. Tim had always been caring and attentive, but she hadn’t realized just how deeply he cared about her and the baby until he’d gotten so upset. She’d really hurt him with her words, and she felt bad.
Cody poked his head into the kitchen. “Hey, Mom, can we watch a movie?”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yep. So is Adin’s. Please?” Cody asked.
Susan didn’t normally let them watch movies on school nights, but she needed to find Tim, and this way they would be occupied while she ran down to the other house. She’d check and see if he was just hiding out there before she let herself get too worried.
“All right, but as soon as it’s over you two need to go straight to bed,” she instructed.
“Yes! Thanks, Mom! You’re the best!”
“Straight to bed!” Susan repeated as Cody turned to leave.
“We will!”
Susan grabbed the keys to her car from the key hook by the back door, and drove the short distance to the old foreman’s house where Tim had stayed for a while. The place was completely dark, but she figured she’d check anyway.
Before she could even get the key in the lock, though, another vehicle pulled up behind hers, the headlights sweeping across the front of the house.
“Hello?” she called into the dark. She saw the truck’s door open and she could make out a silhouette of someone getting out, but she couldn’t see who it was with the headlights shining in her eyes.
“Hey, Susan! It’s just me, Andy. Do you need help with something?”
Susan’s heart sank. She’d hoped it was Tim, but when she looked closer at the truck, she could tell it wasn’t his, even though they were both white. “No, just looking for Tim. I thought maybe he was here.”
Susan turned back toward the door and bent over so she could see the keyhole. She was about to shove the key into it when a contraction hit. The sensation stilled her, and even though it wasn’t extremely painful, she put her hands to her belly. She couldn’t believe it was really happening.
After all of these months spent waiting, it was finally happening. Early, and unexpected, Susan wasn’t sure if she should be excited or worried. She’d gone past forty weeks with both of her boys and she was barely thirty-seven.
“Uh—you okay, Susan?” Andy asked.
Susan stood up, one hand on her belly, the other holding her keys. “I just had a contraction.” She was still somewhat in disbelief, but there was no mistaking what it was. She’d been having Braxton Hicks on and off for the last couple of weeks, but this one was different.
“A what?” Andy asked.
Susan pointed to her belly. “A contraction, Andy. It means the baby is coming. Or did you not know that I was knocked up?”
“Wow. Is it really coming? Like right now?” Andy reached his hand out like he was about to touch her belly.
“Don’t even think abou—oh, boy. Oh, man.” Susan said as she bent over a little and gritted her teeth.
“Another one?” Andy asked.
Susan just nodded through the pain. Already? Wow, those are close. When it was over, she righted herself. “I need your help,” she told Andy.
Andy looked to his right, then to his left. “Me?”
“Yes, you. Can you come over to my house and sit with my boys? I think I need to go to the hospital,” she said.
“Yes, of course. Anything I can do to help. I’m happy to help,” Andy said anxiously.
Susan shook her head. This was obviously his first time around a pregnant woman. He was acting so weird and nervous; it almost made her laugh.
“Do you know where Tim is?” she asked when they got back to her house. She’d had one more contraction right before she’d gotten out of her car. They were coming about every two minutes, and getting stronger. If her last two labors were any indication, this baby was going to be here fast.
“I don’t. He was out pushing cows with Steve this afternoon, but that’s all I know,” Andy said.
Another contraction hit, and Susan was shocked how much more it hurt than the last. In the past her body had always progressed rapidly through the stages of labor, and she knew if she wanted to get an epidural she would need to get to the hospital quick. “Well, shoot. I need someone to drive me to the hospital. I’d hoped that would be Tim, but at this point, I’ll take what I can get.”
“How about a Jim Bob?” Andy asked. “He recently became the proud owner of his very own driver’s license.”
“I don’t care! Just get someone here quick!” Susan shouted as she walked back to her room to pack a bag for the hospital. She didn’t even have any baby clothes yet, but luckily Cynthia had brought by a neutral colored baby outfit shortly after she’d told her friend she was expecting. So, Susan threw that in her bag with the rest of her stuff wondering if a little boy or a little girl would wear it home.
She tried to call Tim again, but his phone was still going straight to voicemail. “Worst possible timing!” she yelled at her phone as if Tim could still hear her through it somehow.
Wherever Tim was, she hoped he was doing something really important, because he was about to miss the birth of this baby. Susan wished that didn’t bother her so much, and she wished that she could just waltz into the hospital alone and deliver this baby with no worries whatsoever, but deep down she knew she needed support.
She wasn’t meant to be alone. No matter how difficult it was for her to admit she needed help, it was true. God had made her with an innate desire for the connection and support only a husband could bring, and even though she still didn’t know Tim that well, he was her husband and she would cleave to him now.
If only he was there to cleave to.
* * *
Tim walked around the Target in Branson for an embarrassing amount of time before he was able to find the baby clothes section. Steve had scared him into not returning home empty handed, and he figured he’d be able to find something there that Susan could use for the baby.
Because this pregnancy was unexpected, she didn’t have anything ready. She’d explained to Tim that they’d gotten rid of all of their baby things after five years of trying for a third child and finally giving up. They were going to need a crib, a car seat, blankets, bibs, pacifiers. The list seemed endless.
He’d planned on shopping for all of those things with Susan that weekend, since she knew much better than he did what they would need, but he figured he could at least get something to supplement his apology with. After almost an hour of frustrating indecision, Tim saw a woman in khakis and a red polo shirt—a sure sign she was a Target employee—and chased her down.
“Can you help me?” he asked.
The woman looked up from the handheld scanner she was holding. “What can I do for you, sir?”
“My wife is pregnant, and I really need a gift for her. I was thinking I’d get a car seat, since we don’t have one yet. What kind would you recommend?” Tim turned around and looked back at the aisle of car seats he’d just come from. There were so many different kinds.
“Well, you’ll probably want an infant seat at first. Here, let me show you.” The woman led him back to the aisle, and stopped in front of a sleek black car seat with a minimalist design. “This one has great ratings, and is our most popular model.”
Tim nodded, and reached for one of the boxes underneath the display. When he stood again he noticed the price tag for the first time. “Are you kidding me? Two-hundred dollars for a car seat? This is ridiculous!”
The woman shrugged. “Hey, I just work here.”
Tim grumbled under his breath, but hauled the car seat up to the register.
He could not believe how expensive some of the strollers and things he saw were either. Who knew baby gear was so pricey?
Once Tim had his purchase loaded into the back of his truck, he pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and flipped it open to dial Susan’s number. She’d been giving him a hard time about his ancient flip phone, but he liked to keep things simple. He didn’t need all the extra stuff a smart phone did, he just wanted to be able to make calls.
Except, when he flipped open ol’ trusty, as he liked to call his phone, she was dead as a doornail. He’d been having problems with her battery dying really quickly lately, but she almost always made it until he got home from work. That was usually around six though, and it was already almost eight.
Susan is going to freak. Not only had they had their first really bad fight, but he’d left without saying a word. Now here he was in Branson, at least a thirty-minute drive from the ranch, with no phone to tell her why he’d be late. She was probably going crazy.
The worst part was that he couldn’t even call her to complain about the price of baby stuff. That’s why he’d tried in the first place. She was his best friend. If he thought something was funny, or frustrating, or awesome, or annoying, he immediately wanted to share it with Susan. He was worried about her, and felt so disconnected from her without his phone. Maybe it really was time for a new one?
Ten
Susan decided she definitely should have cared who drove her to the hospital after the ride Jim Bob had given her. He’d gotten them there in record time, but his decision making behind the wheel had caused her to question if they would arrive alive. The fear she’d felt probably slowed her labor down, though, so she was grateful for that.
Once they got to the hospital, she’d immediately been admitted to a room, but she was desperate to know if she’d be having this baby with or without her husband present. “Have you talked to Tim? Is he here yet?” Susan asked Jim Bob breathlessly between contractions.
Besotted in Branson: An At the Altar Story Page 9