A Complicated Love Story Set in Space

by Shaun David Hutchinson

“I’d think badly of you if you didn’t.”

  DJ laughed, but he was seriously eyeing the remains of the soufflé stuck to the inside of the dish it had been baked in. I might have fought him for it, but I didn’t think I could eat another bite without vomiting.

  “How about a walk?” DJ asked. I agreed, and he helped me to my feet. We strolled through the garden, admiring the various flora that lined the path.

  “Do you think all of these are from Earth?” I asked. “I recognize some, but others I’m not familiar with.”

  “I don’t know. It’s weird to think we might be wandering among alien flowers.”

  “Would it be any stranger than anything else we’ve experienced?”

  DJ pursed his lips as he thought. “I guess not.”

  “I keep wondering why us,” I said. “Like, why us specifically. There has to be something about you and me and Jenny that made someone kidnap and keep us here, but I can’t figure out what it could be.”

  “Me neither.”

  “Did we do something wrong? Are we being punished for crimes I can’t remember?” I stopped in front of a curtain of vines hanging from the catwalks overhead and breathed in the scent wafting from the orange flowers. It was like honey but with a salty undertone. When I turned to walk again, DJ was giving me a queer look. “What?”

  “You think this is punishment?”

  “Feels like it sometimes.”

  “Oh.” His shoulders slumped as he walked ahead.

  I caught up to DJ and nudged him with my elbow. “What?”

  “Nothing,” he said. Then, “It’s just that this, being here with you, sure doesn’t feel like punishment to me. It feels like maybe I did something all right in a past life that I’m finally being rewarded for.”

  “Liar.”

  “I’m serious!” DJ said. He took my hand and pulled me to a stop so that he was facing me. “I like you, Noa. You probably already know that because I’m not real good at hiding my feelings, but in case you don’t know, I think you’re amazing. I like how your smile reaches your eyes and how your nostrils flare when you get really serious. I like that you’re stubborn and that not even dying can stop you. I like that you’re brave—”

  “I’m not brave.”

  DJ snorted. “If what happened to you the day we woke up here had happened to me, I never would’ve put on a spacesuit again. But you did.”

  “Out of necessity.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” DJ said. “You’re brave, Noa. And stronger than even you know.”

  I shut my eyes and sighed. This was why I had walked away that first day. Because I didn’t want to do this. “You only like me because there are no other guys on Qriosity. If we were on Earth—”

  “I’d be too intimidated to approach you.”

  “You are so full of crap,” I said.

  “It’s okay if you don’t have feelings for me, Noa.” And like with everything else DJ said, he meant it. He would be hurt, but he would survive.

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then you do like me?”

  “DJ…”

  DJ pulled me closer. He leaned forward to kiss me, but I pushed him away. I didn’t mean to shove him hard, but he tripped over a root protruding from the earth and fell. He hit the ground hard, knocking the wind out of him.

  “I’m sorry!” I said. “I didn’t mean… See? I screw everything up.”

  DJ stood, brushing himself off. “I’m fine, Noa. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay!” I marched back the way we came until I’d reached the pond. I took off my shoes and socks, rolled up my pants, and dipped my feet in the cool water. I heard DJ approach, though I wished he’d taken the hint and left. I couldn’t wait for this day to end so that DJ would forget this had ever happened.

  “What did I do, Noa?” DJ asked. “Whatever it is, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not you.”

  “Then what?” he asked. “Sometimes I feel like you might want more from me, but every time I get close, you push me away. Literally.”

  DJ was right. There were times, like while we were watching the movie in the cargo bay, when I’d felt like I wanted to be closer to him. There were moments when I looked at him and it was like I was seeing someone I’d known my entire life. Someone I never wanted to spend a second without. But then the past came rushing in, and I couldn’t get away from DJ quickly enough. Maybe it wasn’t DJ I was running from, though. Maybe it never had been.

  “I met Billy on the bus. I was fourteen; he was eighteen and a freshman at the University of Washington. He smiled at me in a way no one had ever smiled at me before. In a way that made me feel visible.

  “That was Billy’s magic, really. When he looked at you, you were the sun around which everything orbited. I could hardly believe he wanted to talk to me. That he wanted to go out with me. This skinny, awkward, bookworm with big ears and acne.”

  DJ sat beside me, though he kept his feet out of the water. Not that I blamed him. I hadn’t taught him how to swim in this loop. He sat close enough to hear me tell my story, but left enough distance between us that I didn’t feel crowded.

  “I didn’t tell anyone about Billy. Not my mom or Becca or any of my friends. Billy belonged to me, and I belonged to him. We went to movies and out to dinner, and we sat around coffee shops arguing about books. Every moment I spent with him, I fell a little more in love.

  “And he never pressured me to have sex with him. He knew I hadn’t been with anyone, and he was cool about it. He told me we could wait until I was ready, which I thought I might be, even though I definitely wasn’t.

  “One night, after we’d been together a couple of months, he invited me to a party. I lied to my mom, said I was spending the night at Becca’s, and snuck out of the house. I’d never done anything like that before. It’s not who I was. My mom and I had an understanding, but I was worried she wouldn’t understand this. I was afraid if I told her, she wouldn’t let me go, and I didn’t want to disappoint Billy.

  “I was so excited. I was going to a college party with my college boyfriend, where everyone would be discussing literature and art and philosophy. The reality turned out a little different than I’d imagined. It was a party, but there were more keg stands than intense arguments about the deeply rooted damage caused by American colonialism. I didn’t care, though. I had a couple of drinks. Billy introduced me to his friends, and he didn’t seem the slightest bit embarrassed to tell them I was younger and still in high school.

  “Whatever happened next, I don’t remember much of it. I opened my eyes in a dark room. My head was swimming and someone was hurting me. I heard their grunts in my ear and felt their breath on my neck, and my pants were bunched around my ankles.”

  Tears ran down DJ’s cheeks, but I kept talking because if I stopped now, I knew I would never work up the strength to start again.

  “I was confused at first, but it didn’t take long to understand what was happening, what Billy was doing. I knew it was him; I recognized the smell of his citrus body spray and the shape of his hands pressing into my back. I used to love the way his hands felt against my skin, but that night they were cold and callous.

  “Maybe I should have struggled, maybe I should have cried out, but I just lay there like I was dead. Waited for him to finish and roll over and pass out.

  “The second Billy started snoring, I got dressed and ran. My mom caught me sneaking back into the house, looking like I’d been mugged, and she smelled the alcohol on my breath, but I didn’t tell her what had happened. I still felt the weight of Billy on top of me, and I was terrified if I tried to speak, all I would do was scream and scream and scream and never stop. So she grounded me. Took away my phone, which I was actually grateful for because it meant I wouldn’t have to avoid Billy’s calls or pretend to not read his messages. And he sent a lot of them.

  “A week later, when my mom returned my phone, I read what Billy had written. Just seeing his name on the screen brought back the smell o
f his breath and the sounds he’d made as he’d pushed into me. But that wasn’t the worst of it. Billy had been texting me like nothing was wrong. Like he was genuinely confused about why I was ignoring him. Like the party had been amazing and he hadn’t done to me what he’d done.

  “I threw my phone away and changed my number and stopped riding the bus line I’d met him on. I got tested for STDs. But none of that helped because I still loved him. I loved him and I trusted him, and he fucked me.”

  DJ didn’t speak, and I thought I never should have told him because now he knew the truth and he hated me for it. And the longer it took DJ to say something, the more certain I became that DJ regretted bringing me on this farce of a date. He deserved better.

  Finally, DJ said, “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Noa. You get that, right? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I didn’t say no. I didn’t try to stop him.”

  “You shouldn’t have had to.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Why didn’t you tell someone?” he asked. His voice was choked with tears. I could hardly look at him.

  “Because as soon as I did, people would have stopped talking about how I showed up to the eighth-grade Halloween dance dressed as Ursula from The Little Mermaid; they would’ve stopped telling the story of the time I fell asleep during Mr. Martin’s class and snored so loudly that everyone, including Mr. Martin, recorded it on their phones for a laugh. They would’ve stopped telling those stories and would’ve only told the story of how I was raped. And maybe I didn’t want that to be the only story anyone told about me.”

  DJ knuckled the tears from his eyes. “Telling your story doesn’t make you a victim. It doesn’t signal that you’re this one thing and nothing else. Telling your story in your own words shows the world that you’re here. That you are still here, and that you’re not going anywhere without a fight. It tells others who haven’t reached a place where they feel safe that they’re important too. You’re not a story, Noa. You’re a storyteller.”

  I wanted to believe DJ. I wanted to believe that every time he looked at me, he wasn’t going to see what had happened to me. I wanted to believe that DJ was as honest and real as he seemed, and that he wasn’t a liar like Billy had been.

  I wanted to believe. But I didn’t.

  FIFTY-FOUR

  “NOA?” DJ’S VOICE WAS CAUTIOUS. Tentative and soft. “Can you maybe come out of the airlock?”

  I turned around. “It’s not what you think. Trust me.” I reached for the button to shut the airlock door.

  “Wait!” DJ rushed forward and hit the touch panel on his side, which opened the door again. “What are you doing?”

  “Look,” I said. “I know what this looks like—”

  “It looks like you’re trying to end your life!”

  “I’m not. I mean, kind of but not technically.” I reached for the panel again. There had to be a way to override DJ’s commands.

  DJ jumped into the airlock with me before the door shut.

  “This won’t change my mind,” I said.

  As I moved to hit the button that would cycle the airlock, DJ shoved his body between me and the touch panel. “You’re not doing this.”

  “Get out of the way, DJ.”

  “No!”

  I tried to push DJ, but he was a brick wall, and I didn’t have the strength to overpower him. “You think I’m planning to end my life, but I’m just resetting the day. It’s going to happen no matter what I do. Popping open the airlock is just quicker than trying to fall asleep.”

  “What is wrong with you, Noa?”

  “Nothing’s wrong with me,” I said. “Something is wrong with the universe.” I tried to get past him again, but DJ’s hand shot out and grabbed my arm. “Don’t touch me!”

  DJ yanked his arm back. “I’m sorry! But I’m not letting you do this.”

  “We’re stuck in a loop, DJ. Don’t you get it? This day repeats over and over.” I waited a second to see if he understood, but he was still staring at me with that look of utter confusion and fear. “How do you think I knew you’d planned a picnic? How do you think I knew to bring dessert and to change into something nicer than what I was wearing? Because every time I fall asleep or get knocked unconscious or die, the day starts over. Every single thing resets right back to where it was. I’m in the galley, Jenny’s at the table, and you’re waiting for me in the garden.”

  There was no way I was going to get past him, but I also didn’t think I could convince him I wasn’t delusional. The best I could do was try and hope for the best. So I began at the beginning. I told him about every version of this horrible, unending day. By the time I finished, we’d moved out of the airlock and were sitting in the changing room, though DJ remained between me and the airlock door.

  “How many times?” DJ asked.

  I shrugged. “Fifty? Maybe a hundred. I lost track. And some days ended quickly, so I’m not sure if they count.”

  “And you have no idea why this is happening?”

  “None.”

  DJ was shaking his head, but I didn’t know why. “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “Except I don’t think you actually want to stop the loop.”

  I was tempted to make another try for the airlock. “Of course I do.”

  “Do you? Because for someone who claims to want to move forward, you seem real determined to go back.” I spluttered and tried to tell him he was wrong, but he kept going. “I understand how difficult it was to tell me about what Billy did to you, and I know it made you feel vulnerable, but what was the point if you’re going to jump out of the airlock and make it like it never happened?”

  “Yeah, well, it didn’t happen to you.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “You’re not the only person in the world who’s been hurt, Noa. You’re not the only one who’s scared. Do you think it’s easy for me to put my feelings out there knowing you might stick them in the airlock and blow them into space?”

  “Of course not—”

  “I care about you,” he went on. “As a friend first. I was hoping for a chance to see if there might be more, but maybe I was wrong about you.”

  I snorted and laughed. “We’re on a spaceship, DJ, we’re lost, I’m stuck in a time loop, and you’re worried about our relationship?”

  “This isn’t worth it anymore,” DJ said. His shoulders relaxed and he hung his head low. He stood up and moved out of the way of the airlock. “You wanna jump? Jump. You wanna spend the rest of your life watching Murder Your Darlings? I won’t stop you. But I can’t keep trying to make you happy, Noa. I can’t keep begging you to be part of this crew. To be part of our lives. I don’t want to live the rest of my life on Qriosity, but I may have to. So I’m going to make the best of it. With or without you.”

  Then DJ did the one thing I never expected. He gave up.

  “Wait!” I said when he reached the door. “You promised you weren’t going to leave me alone?”

  DJ looked over his shoulder. “Can’t leave someone who’s already gone.” He turned around. “What’re you waiting for? You wanted to start the day over. I’m not in your way anymore.” He paused before adding, “Do me a favor next time?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t come to the garden,” he said. “That picnic was my last-ditch effort. I promised myself if you didn’t come or if you got there and weren’t into it that I was going to let it go.” DJ sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. “What you did today, giving me hope and then snatching it away… I don’t want to go through that again, okay?”

  I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room even though I hadn’t opened the airlock door. I tried to speak, but even if I’d had the words, even if I’d known what to say, I couldn’t.

  DJ left, and I was alone.

  FIFTY-FOUR

  I FOUND DJ IN THE galley. He was sitting at the table, examining the puzzle I’d seen Jenny with earlier. As soon as I walked in, D
J pushed back his chair.

  “Please don’t,” I said. “Please don’t leave.”

  DJ didn’t stand, but he didn’t relax either. “Decided not to jump?”

  I sat at the table, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I miss home,” I said. “I miss my mom and my friends and the Indian takeout place nearby that does the most amazing samosas. I even miss the things I hated like waking up early for school and people who spit on the sidewalk and late buses and rain.”

  “I get it,” DJ said. “You hate it here and you wish you were home.”

  He was angry, and he had every right to be. “You feel like home to me, DJ. From the first time I heard your voice in my helmet, there’s something about you that makes me feel like I want to be anywhere you are. And that scares me.”

  DJ sat up a little straighter. “Why?”

  “Because if home is where you are, then what’s back on Earth? By telling you what I told you about Billy, by admitting that I have feelings for you too—that I think you’re the bravest person on this ship—then I’m letting go of the past. I’m giving up on ever seeing that home again.”

  “No you’re not,” he said. “We can make the best life we can here and still try to find our way back to Earth. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”

  “And I’m scared—” I stopped, paused. Took a deep breath. “No, I’m terrified that you’re going to hurt me.”

  DJ leaned across the table and rested his hand on my chest. It was warm and strong and, for the first time, I didn’t flinch. I didn’t want to pull away. “You think it’s empty in here, you think there’s nothing but darkness, but you’re wrong. There’s more light in here than from all the stars in the universe combined.”

  I wanted to believe him, but it wasn’t easy. I couldn’t simply ignore the wound that had been festering within me since the night with Billy. I couldn’t just decide everything was better and pretend I’d never been hurt before. I wasn’t sure if it was even possible. There was only one thing I knew for certain. “I don’t know what happens now, but I don’t want you to forget.” I rested my hand on top of DJ’s and held both of our hands to my heart.