by Nikki Landis
I wanted answers. The next time I saw him I was going to get them. He owed me an explanation and I wasn’t going to let him get away without a full accounting of his actions. It was time Alec and I had a heart to heart. It had better be soon.
Chapter Thirty One: Alec
Alec paused outside the door of the bungalow. The hour was late, far later than he had anticipated. Lizzie and his son would have gone to bed hours ago. He hesitated. Would it be the best idea to wake her now? She was easily fatigued when pregnant.
He slowly unlocked the door and entered the bungalow, thankful he remembered the spare key. Darkness greeted him but he knew the layout well enough. The months he had spent in preparation of their arrival had committed it to memory.
What did Lizzie think of it when she first arrived? Had she found the photographs? Did she notice the effort he made to make it a place they could call home?
He crept silently into the bedroom, his feet moving across the wooden floorboards and oriental rugs. Moonlight drifted on silvery beams through the pale ivory curtains and bounced off the walls. Lizzie lay on the bed, curled on her side and hugging a pillow. Long brown curls cascaded across the bed. Black lashes rested against her lightly flushed cheeks.
The beams of willowy light seemed to drift across her face like the soft fingers of a lover’s caress. Alec sank to his knees and watched her sleep, awestruck. Even the dim light in the room could not hide her beauty.
Absently he traced a long lean finger across her cheek. Her skin was soft, like velvet. He shivered, not from cold but the memory of how she felt when pressed against him. Hungrily he drank her in, like a life giving stream of water in the midst of a draught, soaking her into his consciousness. Caught in the moment he was disappointed when she stirred and rolled over, removing her beauty from his view.
“Alec,” she whispered.
He froze. For a moment he thought she had awakened. She gripped the pillow tighter against her chest.
“Alec.” She sniffled. “Don’t leave me.”
She was whimpering in her sleep. The sound tore at his heart and his pulse quickened. He would wake her now. He never liked it when she was upset.
He crawled on to the bed and pulled her into his arms. “Lizzie? Lizzie my love, wake up.”
She blinked her eyes in confusion. For a moment she stared into his eyes in disbelief. Then joy crept into her face.
“Alec!”
She threw her arms around his neck and he pulled her closer, leaning in to kiss her. Her lips tasted like honey, like sweet nectar that he had almost forgotten. His arms tightened their hold around her. Until this moment he hadn’t realized just how much he truly missed her.
She sighed. “Oh Alec I missed you.”
“Lizzie I’ve missed you more than you know,” he told her truthfully.
“You’re really here,” she seemed shocked, tears falling from her eyes.
“Don’t cry my love,” he gently wiped the tears away, “I’m here.”
He slid his hand down until it rested against her stomach. He could feel the rounded bump, so noticeable instead of her normally flat belly. She was certainly with child. For a split second he doubted the date and then he quickly dismissed it from his mind. She would never be unfaithful.
“You’re having another baby,” he whispered.
“Yes,” she breathed, “you are going to be a father again Alec.”
“When?” He asked.
“About five months I imagine. We conceived…last time.”
He knew that but wanted to be sure. Mal could have been wrong.
“Are you happy?” She asked, uncertainty in her voice as she interrupted his thoughts.
“Oh yes Lizzie, very happy,” he responded, squeezing her tight.
Outwardly he was calm but inside he was a tightly wound bundle of nerves. She needed him now, more than ever. He could not leave her alone to raise two children. They needed a father. He needed to be there for her and the babies. It was eating him up every time he had to leave her, every time he had to say goodbye, and every time he had to stay away.
“I love you Alec.”
That one sentence calmed him. This was his center. Lizzie was his center.
“And I love you my darling wife.”
She yawned sleepily, stretching in his arms. He knew she needed her rest. He crushed the lust burning inside him. There was time for that later.
“Go back to sleep Lizzie. I’ll be here when you wake,” he reassured her.
Her even breathing told him she was already asleep. He held her the rest of the night, contemplating ways to leave his current position in leadership. The fire for revenge had cooled considerably since her accident in the explosion and even more so now that she was pregnant again.
He had nearly lost her. The thought made his throat constrict and breathing difficult. He could endure anything but that. Visiting her in that hospital bed had sobered him. He would not see her there again. What good was winning the war if she was not there with him in the end?
Losing Lizzie would end him. The absence of her would mean the absence of everything. As sure as the sun’s rotation on the earth, life without her radiance would kill his soul. He could hardly fathom the loss. Hardly grasp at the thought.
He would do anything, everything to ensure that didn’t happen. No matter what the cost would be. And he was certain the cost would be high. It seemed he was constantly brought back to this point and he was weary of the struggle.
The militia would not stop. They would not be finished until they had obliterated everything about the refugees and the uprising. This now included Alec and everything associated with him. The Freedom Fighters were their biggest enemy now. Alec’s success had brought victory, but not enough to win. And now it had landed him front and center in a war that would consume everything and everyone in its path.
The call to leadership that he once felt had diminished. There were others who could serve in greater capacity. If he did not find a way to delegate his responsibilities he would never be able to stay with Lizzie. Somehow, someway he would fix this. He had to find a way.
There was no other choice.
Chapter Thirty Two: Lizzie
I awakened to a hot breath tickling my ear. Slow even breathing and the steady rise and fall of the chest pressed against my back told me I was not alone. I was not dreaming. Alec had come home, much sooner than I could have hoped or anticipated.
I let him sleep, aware that he must be exhausted. When I saw him last in the bunker there had been dark circles under his eyes. His responsibility to the refugees weighed heavily upon his shoulders. I could see the toll on his body and in his face.
There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about. When he awakened I opened my mouth to ask but one look on his face silenced me. Two emotions filled his countenance. One was love, deep abiding love. The other was need, feral and raw. I pushed everything to the back of my mind and embraced him, giving in to both of our desires.
It was much later when we emerged from the bedroom, hand in hand. Little Benjamin was clinging to daddy, ecstatic he was home.
“Dada. Dada. Yay!” He exclaimed, clapping his chubby little hands.
Alec nuzzled him and placed a kissed on top of his head. Once he was settled in the highchair with breakfast, we sat at the dining room table together. Silence stretched between us. So much lingered on the tip of my tongue, I hardly knew where to start.
Why, even after the intimacy of moments ago, did I suddenly feel shy and reserved?
I asked the first question in my head. The one that burned the brightest in my heart. “Why didn’t you stay with me in the hospital, at least until I awakened?”
Alec’s eyes met mine, sad, maybe even a little regretful, but not sorry. I was confused by what I saw. How could it have been so easy to leave me?
“I couldn’t Lizzie. The place was filled with militia soldiers,” he explained.
It was true. I remembered the large presenc
e of militia there, but surely he could have delayed another couple of hours. “I know but…you could have waited another hour or two until I awakened. You didn’t. You spoke to Mal and left right away, he told me so Alec.”
A frown appeared on his handsome face. His eyes had turned a smoky grey, like they were in turmoil, but his words did not match his eyes. He was holding back. Why?
He ran a hand through his hair, tussling the curls that had grown in length since I last saw him. I wanted to reach for him, to squeeze his hand and say everything would be all right, but I was unable. Something was bothering him. Something was there, between us, a small wall erected by time, built higher by distance, uncertainty, and Alec’s secrecy.
“I had to leave Lizzie. I am sorry for that,” he whispered.
I had to purposely catch his gaze because he looked away. Once I did, I saw the hurt that flashed briefly in his eyes. What was he hurt about it? What doubts were buried in his head?
Was it us?
“What’s the matter?” I asked, reaching for his hand anyway, “won’t you share your thoughts with me? Unburden yourself?”
He smiled wistfully. “There is too much to lay at your feet and in your condition. I will not overwhelm you, my Lizzie.”
He had not called me that in a long time. I closed my eyes briefly and I felt his hand squeeze mine.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this place? About Sam and Carol? About your plan to give us a new home?” My voice broke just a little and I blushed. I hadn’t meant to sound so emotional.
“Lizzie…I meant it as a surprise.” He noticed the catch in my voice. A look of guilt crossed his features and quickly diminished.
“Mal told me, he said you seemed…reluctant to share this place. As if…you weren’t sure you wanted to mention it.” I searched his face. Was that true?
“And you believed him…as usual.” He sounded frustrated.
“If I am wrong, tell me I am wrong. If Mal misunderstood, then clarify for me Alec. I don’t understand your hesitancy.”
Alec stood up and began to pace. I knew he was agitated. He never did that unless his mind was cluttered and he felt overwhelmed. I watched him in silence, desperate for his answers, and hoping he would not continue to shut me out.
My chest felt heavy. Why was this so hard?
“It was always the plan to bring you and Benjamin here Lizzie. Surely you can see that by the effort I have made in this bungalow. I spent weeks…” He sighed and tapered off, not finishing.
“I can see that Alec,” I assured him, “but I don’t understand why you were so secretive about it. You could have at least hinted there was a plan. You could have told me about Carol and Sam without ruining any kind of surprise.”
He began to move faster, becoming increasingly agitated. Why? I was only speaking the truth.
“Lizzie…” He stopped suddenly and turned to me. “Don’t you trust me?”
The vulnerability and hurt in those silvery grey depths plunged deep down inside me, settling into the deep cavern of my heart. I did not mean to doubt or upset him.
“I do trust you,” I told him with conviction, “I just feel that you are holding back from me…and I don’t understand why.”
He did not answer, only spun on his heel and continued his pacing. I became frustrated. This was not the man I married. Not the same man who promised to never be anything but truthful. Not the same man who could never get enough of me. No, this man held himself back, closed off, and distant.
And I was so very hurt by the change.
“Why don’t you want to be with us? What is so important that you have to constantly leave and you can never stay? What’s really going on Alec?” I was begging him for answers. My voice was pleading. Oh God, just open up to me, please, even a little bit.
What was happening out there? What was so imperative that he needed to stay away from his wife and son? Was he leaving again?
My eyes flew to his face. Searching. Waiting. Needing some small glance or word to give me hope.
“We are at war Lizzie. Surely you understand that concept.” His voice was monotone. Stoic.
I would get nothing further from him.
Devastated, I glanced at my fingers in my lap, clenched together.
“I see,” I whispered, “it’s the war.”
But that really meant nothing. Not a darn thing because we had been at war literally since the night we met. The first bombs had dropped only days later. K.D. had changed everything, and yet, for three long years he had sought me out, determined to find the woman he loved with all his heart.
It was that thought that brought me back to awareness. I would not lose him, even if he tried to put the distance between us himself. I stood, walking over to him and placing my hand on his chest. I felt him tremble as I lay my head against his shoulder. Slowly his arms encircled me and I felt them tighten.
“Take however long you need Alec. Sort out the thoughts in your head. Make peace or whatever you need to do…but don’t leave me.” My voice wavered and I felt him hug me tighter. “Don’t leave me my love.”
He did not voice his response to my words but he did not have to. I felt him agree by the way his grip on me tightened. The way his heart raced in his chest. The gentle way he kissed the top of my head. And the way his breath caught in his throat, clutching the emotion that was buried within him.
Chapter Thirty Three: Mal
Mal awakened in the tent early. Although it was pleasant in temperature, dry, and fairly comfortable, he was unable to find rest. He tossed and turned. He woke frequently. His mind and spirit were somewhere else, longing to feel the embrace and soft skin of the one he loved.
Lizzie.
He missed her, missed sleeping next to her, missed the soft way she sighed in her sleep, missed the way she would reach for him when she was afraid or needed his touch, and the way her long hair would wrap around him and end up in his face.
Hell, he even missed the cute way she would cover her mouth like she had bad morning breath. Which she did not.
One arm behind his head, he rolled until he faced the front door of the bungalow. Right now, at this moment, there was nothing he wanted more than to run to her. Just once he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her thoroughly, to undress her slowly, to cover every inch of her body in sweet kisses until she moaned her pleasure, and then make love to her, not as a man in need, but as a man lovingly devoted to her in every way.
He rose slowly, planning to surprise her with breakfast and to be there when Benjamin awakened. Thinking of the little guy made him grin. It always did. He was walking more steadily now and saying more words. Such an adorable and sweet child. Mal loved him like he was his own son. His heart could not help the strong feelings he had. Time and close proximity had deepened his connection to both mother and child.
Outside of the bungalow he reached for the handle of the screen door when the sound of voices made him pause. Frowning he listened for a moment. Lizzie was talking to someone. A man.
Damn.
Alec was home.
He spun on his heel, suddenly frustrated and angry, the peace he felt only seconds ago diminishing so fast he nearly yelled. Heading toward the lake he grabbed a pole and his gear and strode toward the only place that might grant him solitude.
A string of expletives went off in his head. Always too little, too late. Always one step behind. Always just a little short of the goal.
What was he thinking? Did he really believe it was going to change? Did he really think that Lizzie would choose him? That she would give up Alec and the father of her children?
He was delusional.
It was never going to happen. The sooner he accepted that fact, the happier he would be.
Even as he sought to convince himself of the futility of his actions, his heart hammered home the truth. He loved Lizzie. Loved her with his whole heart. Loved her with every breath in his body. Loved her the way two souls attach to each other and never let go.<
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She told him at the bunker. Lizzie said they were soul mates. They were. And always would be.
How did he reconcile the truth in his heart when he knew she was in love with him too? How did he continue to stay at a distance, to watch her from afar, and never have the luxury of having Lizzie as his own? Mal wasn’t sure if he could do that anymore. It was becoming too much.
Hours later he had not reached any conclusion. His thoughts were chaotic and jumbled, torn between the truth and the reality that was becoming more apparent with every passing minute.
Mal was going to leave. He would have no other choice. Time was speeding him closer and faster to the inevitable conclusion. He clenched his jaw, yanking on the line and reeling it back in.
Footsteps behind him drew his attention. He knew who it was, long before Alec’s voice ever reached him.
“Hey Mal,” Alec greeted him, approaching him with caution.
He mumbled a reply.
“Catch anything yet?”
He shook his head.
“Maybe you should try a different bait. Sometimes that helps,” Alec observed.
He tossed the pole on the ground and turned to him.
“Why the hell are you even here? Why do you bother Alec if you are only going to be leaving your wife and son again?” Mal was angry, frustrated, and ready to punch something. Preferably Alec at the moment.
For a few seconds Alec only stared at him, then a frown appeared on his face.
“Why are you so worried about my wife? Can’t you find a woman on your own?” Alec was as angry as he was.
Mal stared him down, refusing to acknowledge his words. “Why did you leave her without making sure she was alright? How could you walk away before she awakened?”
Alec had the decency to look ashamed. Good. He should feel like shit about it.
“I fail to see how any of this is your concern,” he finally replied.