He Doesn't Deserve My Love

by Ashley Cruse

  Right after dinner was done and everybody had eaten, Corey helped me with getting the kids to bed. He handled the boys, and I took care of the girls. Then I washed the dishes and wiped the stove down. Right when I was finishing up, Corey wandered into the kitchen. I observed as Corey began to cook some dope. After he was done with the first half, he noticed I was still in the kitchen, watching his every step.

  “What’s up?” he asked as he lit a cigarette. “You don’t mind, do you?” He had a concerned expression engraved on his face.

  “Naw, baby. Just show me what you are doing,” I demanded.

  I quickly put up the ribs, and then I placed the potatoes and the green beans in containers. I put them in the fridge too. I cleared off the counter to make more space. When Corey realized I was dead-ass serious, he commenced to lace me up.

  “All you need is a whisk, a measuring cup, baking soda, and a glass pot,” he began.

  He rummaged around until he discovered all that he was looking for, except for the glass pot. I didn’t have a glass pot. He walked out of the kitchen and disappeared into my bedroom. He came back, holding a duffel bag. I stood in amazement as he pulled out a big glass pot.

  I paid close attention as he revealed to me how to make some drop. By the time he was done, my head was spinning. A rush of eagerness came over me. Seeing him stretch the dope out so he could calculate exactly how much money he was going to make motivated me. I was also very interested in learning about a world that everybody in the vicinity appeared to be tangled in.

  After we cleaned the mess created by cooking the powder up, I scrubbed down the areas of the kitchen we had used. While I was scrubbing, I overheard Corey on the phone. He was sitting at the kitchen table, rolling up a blunt.

  “I’m back on, my nigga,” I heard Corey say. “Let me hold something.”

  I finished making the kids’ Kool-Aid for tomorrow, and then I made myself another plate. A couple of Corey’s friends came through. They stood in the living room and talked in real low voices. When his homies left, I was sitting at the table, tearing through another piece of the ribs.

  Corey walked into the kitchen. “Damn, baby. What about me?” he asked.

  I got up and quickly made him a plate as well. We both sat down and ate. Corey schooled me on how to break the crack up into fragments. He then proceeded to tell me about the different quantities he packaged.

  “If I’m out, I need you to be here so you can serve the ones who come to the door. Only our good clientele will know to come here,” he instructed.

  I listened, taking every word in. When we were through eating, I cleaned the kitchen up for the last time. Afterward, I checked on my kids to make sure they were all sound asleep.

  Corey was on the phone, arguing, when I walked back into the living room. A bad feeling rushed through me. I shook it off, though. It sounded like he was talking to Dollie. A hint of jealousy crept through me. But I reminded myself that all he wanted from her was her truck. He could ride in it all he wanted, as long as he was about me and my kids. If she wanted to be a dummy behind him, then so be it. We would both play her weak ass like a fiddle.

  I was down for the ride. Fuck that girl.

  Chapter 16

  Dollie

  Our stay at Corey’s mom’s house ended rather abruptly. We had made plans to have brunch with Tiger’s family after church, but thanks to my so-called infidelity, we had cut that shit short. Instead we left Corey’s mom’s house first thing Sunday morning. I had to make him get his ass up, because I was ready to go home. I refused to stay at the house of anybody who assumed the first piece of bullshit they heard was the absolute truth. I did not appreciate one bit being accused of some fucked-up shit that I didn’t do. Naomi clearly was the type of chick who was miserable and liked it when everybody else was too. For her to downright lie like that pissed me off. I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink last night because of this. I wanted to go home.

  The story was that I had cheated on Corey with one of his homeboys. Apparently, Michael, their dad, had told Naomi because he didn’t want to be the one to let Corey know, but even this fact turned out to be false. When I heard that, I immediately called Michael and asked him about it. I was so irate that I put him on speakerphone and let him in on the bullshit that was being said about me. Michael was so infuriated about this lie that he ended up cussing out Brenda and Corey.

  That night, Corey said, I started a bunch of unnecessary shit, when really it was his sister. Something deep down inside told me that this was going to be the ultimate reason and excuse for him to do whatever he damn well pleased. His corny-ass sister was fucking with my relationship, and I was not too happy about that at all.

  The fact that he believed what she had said and did not speak with me before drawing conclusions hurt me to the core. So, in my mind, I was through with him. I was done with his sister and his mom too. His grandma had warned me about how crazy his white side of the family was. I was the type who liked to judge things for myself. Now I knew I should have listened to his grandma.

  We drove the two hours back to Abilene in silence. Drake was sleeping in his car seat. Corey was pretending to be asleep. I knew better, and I was well aware that he liked to start drama but didn’t like to finish it. I was pretty pissed off and disappointed that he didn’t seem bothered at all that our relationship was on the rocks. We had been doing so fucking well, and then shit had hit the fan based on some bullshit, and now it was like “Fuck you.”

  I was feeling like I had really exhausted my energy waiting on him. At the same time a giant part of me just aspired to make shit right again, to take him by the shoulders and shake his ass super hard, make him want to listen to me, make him see that it was a bunch of lies. We were stronger than this. We could pull through this. Unfortunately, it was not enough that I just want it. He had to want to make shit work too.

  I dropped him off at his grandma’s house and peeled out of the driveway when I was sure he had got all his bags. His dad came outside, talking shit, I was sure. I kept right on going. I was drained by the circumstances and just needed to get as far away as I could.

  When I reached my aunt and uncle’s house, I detected that neither one of them was there. However, my cousin Victoria was there. Her dark purple Volkswagen Beetle was parked in the driveway, in the spot where my uncle normally parked his car. I pulled up in front of the house and brought my son inside first.

  Drake saw Victoria talking on the cordless phone in the den and made a beeline toward her as soon as I put him down. When I saw that she had spotted him, I went outside and carried in our things. When I was finished, I had made my son a bowl of Malt-o-Meal and fixed myself a cup of coffee.

  I sat at the kitchen table and tried to squelch the feelings of hatred I felt toward Corey’s mom and his crazy sister. That girl had no right lying her ass off like that. His mom was ignorant for believing that shit. That was one family who reacted first and asked questions later. I was truly dumbfounded at this moment.

  I stared off into space, deep in thought. I was reviewing the ongoing confrontation in my mind and trying to make sense of everything at the same damn time. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice when my big cousin took a seat next to me. Finally, I looked up and was struck by her thick, curly hair, which was dyed blond and had light red streaks in it. On anybody else, that hair might have looked crazy, but my cousin, she was beautiful with that combination.

  “Earth to Doll. Earth to Doll. Can you hear me now?” my cousin teased, waving her hands vigorously in front of my face. She had a huge grin displayed on her adorable face. I snapped back to reality and flashed a smile at her.

  “What are you doing here, Vic?” I asked her as I took a sip of my coffee.

  “I have about five loads of laundry to do.” She rolled her eyes. “Dad gave me the day off. At first, I was pretty pissed off about it. I needed it, anyway. I stayed in the back all day yesterday, baking all them damn birthday cakes for him.”

 
; As she went on about the day she had had at work yesterday, I removed Drake’s empty bowl from the kitchen table, then cut him up a banana to eat. He loved eating fruit after his breakfast. I also filled his sippy cup with grape juice.

  My cousin could cook. Despite the fact that she had never been able to keep a man due to her drug addiction, her place was in the kitchen. That was one thing nobody could take away from my cousin. She had always wanted to be a chef. That was her main dream. Another thing my cousin could do was bake. Vic treasured her time baking too.

  She looked at me as I sat down. “How’d your trip go?”

  I took a sip of my coffee and stared at her. I debated for a minute whether or not to tell her what had happened. She was rather close to my aunt, and I knew she would go back and tell her. I really wanted to talk about it, though. I had been blowing up my best friend, but she wasn’t answering her cell phone at all. Theoretically, I could wait for her to call back, but this shit was driving me insane. I had to get it out. So I took a deep breath and told her every detail.

  As I was talking, I took Drake out of his big boy seat. Without my asking her, Victoria got up and cleared the table at the same time that she listened to me gab. As soon as I was through, she shook her head in disappointment. I couldn’t blame her. I was feeling quite defeated right about now.

  “I’m so outraged right now. Seriously frustrated that he would listen to her over me. I did more for him than they ever did the whole time he was locked up!” I screeched, unable to contain my resentment.

  “Girl, fuck that shit. You are better than me. I would have given that Brenda something to be mad about. And his damn sister. Who is the person you supposedly slept with?”

  “That’s what I kept asking, and nobody could tell me who this individual is,” I stated.

  “Exactly. I would have read the shit out they asses.” You could tell when Victoria got mad. Her Spanish accent really stood out.

  “I can’t be with him like that. I won’t move to Bedford now. You should have seen how chaotic it was when we got there. If that’s what it was like the day I stayed there, I can only picture what kind of bullshit occurs day in and day out.”

  “Doll, you don’t need that,” she said softly, sympathizing with my plight. “You go to law school, girl. Ignore Corey. He’s going to go back to jail sooner or later. His ass ain’t changed. He still runs with that gang, and he’s back to selling dope again.”

  I felt myself cringe when she told me that. Needing a time-out to gather my thoughts, I walked out of the kitchen to go check on my son, who had wandered into the hallway. He was sitting on the floor, content with playing with Victoria’s empty laundry basket. I walked back into the kitchen to find Victoria rummaging around in the freezer. I was dying to know how she knew Corey was selling drugs again. And I really wanted to know if she was using again.

  “You know that for sure?” I asked.

  Victoria stopped what she was doing and looked at me. I already knew that Corey had seized the opportunity to sell dope on a few occasions since his release from prison. It allowed him to make a little bit of money here and there. But I thought he had stopped pushing that shit full-time, the way he used to. Stopped being real deep into the streets and shit. His getting back into that fast life was not something that was a part of our plans. However, sometimes our plans didn’t unfold the way we wanted them to. I was starting to experience that firsthand.

  “I ain’t lying, girl. That’s the word on the street. He just hasn’t started selling it the way he used to yet. But it’s coming. These niggas just don’t get their feet wet a little bit. That money draws them in. It’s an addiction to them. Just like how that cocaine draws me in, the money does the same thing. Gives them a high,” she explained.

  I felt my heart break right then. This whole time he had been lying to me. His so-called looking for jobs and shit was him looking for his old clientele. Him finding them drug dealers and bangers to constantly re-up with. That lifestyle was something I definitely didn’t want to be a part of any longer.

  “Don’t get your panties in a wad. Cheer up, cousin,” Victoria told me. “Let him show you what kind of man he turned out to be. He’ll either surprise you or disappoint you. Like Maya Angelou says, when a person shows you who they are, believe them.”

  She was right. Her words made me feel a bit better. At the same time they also made my anxiety act up a little more. The waiting game. It seemed like all I ever did with this man was wait. Wait for the good Corey to reappear. Wait for Corey to get out of jail. Now I had to wait to see if he was going to do the right thing or become a victim once again to these streets? I was tired of waiting on a man to figure out that he wanted to start being a man.

  My aunt Audrina called just then to let us know she was going to be at the bakery for a little bit longer, doing payroll and helping my uncle out. Victoria decided to make them some homemade lasagna while she did her laundry. She was also going to bake an angel cake, and for Drake, she would whip up some homemade chocolate chip cookies.

  Victoria agreed to keep an eye on my son while I lay down for a little bit. I was beginning to get a headache from all that thinking I was doing. I was debating with myself about this relationship. I was torn between saying, “Fuck it,” and working things out. I just didn’t see why I had to work anything out when it was his sister who had lied like that. He should be the one kissing my ass, not the other way around.

  I was woken up an hour later, when my best friend, Jazzy, finally called. She was Filipino and white. We both had attended high school together. She’d moved out of town to go to Baylor, where she was currently studying to be a doctor. She was short like me and very petite. She had curly black hair that went past her shoulders. Some of my friends and acquaintances had fallen off when we graduated from high school, but Jazzy had continuously kept in contact.

  When I answered the phone, Jazzy’s cheerful voice flooded through the line, piercing my brain. She just made my head hurt even worse. I grabbed my Excedrin and yelled for Victoria to bring me some juice.

  “Damn. You don’t sound happy to hear from me,” Jazzy said, then laughed at me.

  I mumbled that she should give me one minute, and I instructed her not to hang up. A few second later, Victoria brought me some grape juice. I sat up, and I quickly swallowed two pills with it. Then I placed the juice on my nightstand and lay back down. I grabbed the phone and covered my whole head with the covers.

  “I was resting, girl. Horrible weekend,” I muttered.

  “Your beautiful weekend wasn’t paradise for the young wifey and her ‘fresh out of lock’ husband?” she teased me.

  I cringed at her playful sarcasm. “Fresh out of lock” husband, huh? To shut her up, I told her about the whole weekend. I loved my Jazzy. She was always attentive. She was consistently open-minded, and she never talked down. She was like me. She came to me for advice as well, and I treated her the very same way she treated me.

  “I love Corey. I really do,” I told her. “I wouldn’t have stood by his side if I didn’t. But I fuckin’ hate his family. Tiger ain’t like that at all. I like Tiger, but Naomi was way out of line.” I found myself sounding defensive.

  I could feel my body become wide awake and alert. I listened intently for any sounds in the house, and I heard Victoria and Drake singing songs that played on the Disney Channel. I knew he was alive, well, and breathing.

  “Now, things ain’t always glorified with your in-laws,” my best friend warned. “Maybe somebody told Naomi that.”

  “Like who? Nobody fucks with that girl like that. She hasn’t lived her in years,” I said.

  “That doesn’t mean anything, Dollie. People are sneaky and vindictive.”

  I quickly shut that down. I just didn’t want any further discussion of Naomi. I just couldn’t see why somebody would sit there and go out of their way to call somebody who wasn’t that important to them. I mean, she did know people, but nobody thought of Naomi like that. And it didn’
t make sense that Naomi would be watching out for Corey in this way. He loved his sister, but he rode for the streets harder than he did for some of his own family members. When I told Jazzy, she took a deep breath.

  “I can see why you are mad. But maybe he was just hurt by it all.”

  “That man wasn’t hurt. He went with the flow. I feel like a random bum could walk up to him and feed him some bullshit and he’d eat that shit up.” I could feel myself getting angry again.

  “A random bum?”

  “Yes, girl. He’s going to use that as an excuse to start acting up again. Watch.” I was firm about that.

  My friend took a deep breath before she began talking again. “Just give it a couple of days. See what happens then. My advice to you, Dollie, is that if you guys don’t have trust, you really don’t have a ground to stand on in your relationship.”

  I had to admit, Jazzy was right. There was no room to build a solid foundation if the ground was made of lies. If the other one wasn’t fully in it like you were. I needed to figure out which road I needed to take. At this point, considering how deeply involved I was right about now, it was either going to hurt to stay or hurt to leave. The choice was mine.

  Chapter 17

  It had been a couple of days since I spoke to Corey. He had called me, but I had just refused to answer his calls. On Wednesday afternoon, Jerry gave me the rest of the day off. It had been a rather slow day, and I had finished everything that needed to be done. The day had been so leisurely that I had resorted to cleaning the bathroom from top to bottom and rearranging the kitchen area.

  Furthermore, Tammy was in the office, and she could answer the phones while she finished his closing arguments for his court date on Friday. Jerry planned to be in the office, too, as he had meetings there all afternoon, until about four, and then he was going to go to the jailhouse in Anson to talk to a potential client. It was one of those rare days in weeks when he had to spend only half a day in court. And another good thing was that his morning in court had been spent right across the street from us, in the courthouse here in Abilene.