He Doesn't Deserve My Love

by Ashley Cruse

  “Fuck that! They started it! Why do we have to leave? Them hoes are already gone!” my sister protested.

  “Ma’am, I’m not going to tell you again. Get the fuck out,” the man yelled.

  Bruce grabbed my sister’s arm, and we all marched out to the parking lot.

  “I guess that’s it,” I heard Corey mutter to himself.

  We all got in the car, and then we headed toward my house in silence, which gave me time to think through my confusion. What the hell did Corey mean by that?

  Chapter 21

  “That bitch got me fucked up!” I heard Majesta yelling.

  I quickly exited the bathroom. I walked into the living room. Corey and my brother, Drew, were watching TV. My sister’s husband was in the kitchen with one of our partnas from the hood, Young Soljah, cutting up the rest of the coke they had just finished cooking. Majesta had just arrived at my house. She was so mad, her voice carried throughout the whole entire house.

  “What you talkin’ about, friend?” I said to her, approaching her cautiously.

  She came over and hugged me. “Corey’s stupid little ex-girlfriend,” Majesta said.

  The events from last night’s fiasco were still replaying in my head. I hadn’t had a chance to fill Majesta in on the stunt that little stuck-up bitch had pulled at the Pub. I had a feeling she had already heard about it. Why else would she be so mad?

  I was really contemplating airing out my feelings about the way that nigga had left the club. That was my main concern right there. Had I imagined that he briefly appeared to feel some kind of way about her getting in our faces? What was that all about? Fuck that bitch and her crybaby fits. What was up with my nigga, though? Corey had said, and I quote, “I guess that’s it.” Was he really fucked up, or was that just a statement? I didn’t think he intended for me to hear his comment. I’d be lying if I said it did not mean anything. It even had me second-guessing shit. One thing was for certain and two were for sure, she wasn’t getting my man back.

  “Say, big bro, roll a sweet up for me,” Majesta told Corey.

  Majesta sat down in the recliner. She motioned for me to sit down beside her. I did just that, as I was growing even more curious about what she was fixing to say next.

  “Word on the street is, Dollie wants to see you.” She pulled out a cigarette from her Marlboro box. “I ain’t gonna let her fuck with you, though.”

  I burst out laughing. Was this girl serious? Obviously, Corey didn’t want this girl. Despite the fact that my mind was going a hundred miles an hour because of his comment, I told myself to look at the facts. He lived with me, he bought me things, and we were always together. Always. That was something nobody could even deny. Just knowing this made it easier for me to erase from my head that remark he’d made.

  “I don’t get it. She should know by now. Why the fuck is this broad acting all surprised?” I said.

  I looked over at Corey. He shook his head. He looked like he was lost in thought. I watched as he finished rolling his sweet. His cell phone started ringing. He gestured for me to grab his phone. Obediently, I answered.

  “Is this Ten?” a voice boomed out at me.

  “Yeah, this me. What’s good?” I said.

  “I need an eight ball,” the voice replied.

  I went into the kitchen and looked in the cabinet closest to the refrigerator, where Corey kept the work. I took out everything I needed and began to cut the dope up. I stopped when I had the amount the caller was asking for.

  “Who’s this?” I asked when I was finished.

  “It’s Kitty from around the corner,” the voice answered.

  Now it became clear to me. I let Corey know what was up once I ended the call. Immediately, the phone started to ring again. Show time, I thought to myself. I signaled to Majesta to start taking phone calls for us.

  “Baby, is it time?” a voice whispered in my ear.

  I turned around to find my sexy boyfriend standing behind me with his sweet in his mouth. I removed it from his lips and kissed him gently. I nodded my head.

  “Let’s get it, then,” he said.

  Corey turned around and began barking orders at Bruce and Young Soljah. My brother entered the kitchen. He joined in their conversation.

  I walked back over to where Majesta was sitting. She looked up at me and stated that Dandy and Fred, two of our loyal customers, both wanted a fifty piece. Suzy had called also. She was looking for a dub. I returned to the kitchen and began to cut up the dope some more. After I was finished with that, Corey got dressed, and then we all loaded into the car. Majesta stayed behind to watch Karen and Ty for me.

  Before we pulled out of the driveway, Corey patted his pockets and started asking where his phone was. Bruce and Young Soljah both stated that they didn’t have it.

  “I think you left it on the kitchen table, bro,” Drew said.

  “I’ll get it, baby.” I hopped out of the car and ran inside to get Corey’s phone. Right when I grabbed it, it began to ring, and I saw a private number come up on the screen. I immediately answered.

  “What you need?” I stated into the phone.

  “Bitch, where Corey at?”

  I paused for a few seconds, filled with shock. The cell phone was glued to my hand. I mean, she was just flipping tables and shit last night, trying to square up over a nigga who clearly didn’t want her ass anymore. Now she was calling the very next day? What the fuck for? This ho had the audacity to hit his fuckin’ line now?

  Disgusted, I shook my head back and forth. This girl was so stupid. Could she not see he didn’t want her ass?

  “Girl, what do you want?” I said as I headed down the hall to look for Majesta.

  “I asked to speak to Corey, not you.”

  “Didn’t you embarrass yourself enough? He ain’t checking for you, bitch, so, again, what do you want?”

  The evil sound of her laughter filled my ears. I wanted to hang up on her ass. What she said next caused my heart to drop.

  “Embarrass myself, huh? Your so-called man been calling me nonstop. I want to know what he wants.”

  I stopped. So maybe what I was worried about was true, then. He was really feeling some kind of way that shit had gone down the way it had. I knew something wasn’t right when I heard him say that shit! But fuck that. I was not letting him go without a fight.

  “He don’t want your ass!” I yelled at her angrily, not caring if my emotions showed through the earpiece.

  I heard this ho take a deep breath, like she was fixing to go off on ya girl, right? I took the phone from my ear and handed it right on over to Majesta for her to finish this ugly-ass bitch off. I wasn’t going to argue with her. It was a waste of time and money. Majesta ended the call after a series of curse words and insults were hurled back and forth between the two, and then she gave me the phone, and we both started laughing. After all, she was the one who was making herself look dumb. The phone rang again. It was a private call. I answered it, and who was on the other end but Dollie.

  “Don’t you get it?” I shouted into the phone. “He’s with me now, not you. Quit calling my nigga’s phone!”

  Chapter 22

  Dollie

  When I got up this morning, I was still in a daze, due to all the things going on. I didn’t remember anything I did prior to arriving at work. I didn’t remember fixing my hair. I didn’t remember getting Drake ready to go to day care with my aunt, let alone what I chose for him to wear today. I didn’t know how I even managed to get dressed. I still arrived at work on time. The one thing I couldn’t do was smile. What the fuck was this ho-ass nigga doing to me?

  My boss immediately noticed my frazzled look. He sensed something was wrong.

  “Doll?” he said, his face filled with concern. “Are you all right, hun?”

  I think I am, I thought to myself as I took my position behind my desk.

  “I’m all right, Jerry,” I choked out.

  He knew I was full of shit. “Maybe you should take the d
ay off—” he began, but I cut him off.

  “Jerry, I feel great. The last thing I need is to be at home.” I spoke carefully to him, trying not to let my emotions show. “Just let me stay. If I am not up to par with my performance, I’ll go home.”

  He accepted my plea bargain and handed me some files to put away and a list of clients I had to call either about making a payment or setting up an appointment. After he finished giving me his schedule for the day, he grabbed a cup of coffee and rushed into his office to meet with his nine o’ clock appointment.

  As I began to get into my routine for the day, Tammy waltzed in, carrying her book bag and a change of clothes. I chuckled to myself. She was always in a hurry. But she’d never leave her home without her Gucci collection. She disappeared in the back, and moments later, she reemerged. She had pulled her hair into a bun, and she now sported a nice white blouse and black dress pants. She had on some black Coach slip-on shoes and matching glasses.

  “Jerry has court today?” she asked as she sat at her desk, which was kitty-corner to mine.

  “Not until one,” I replied. “He has you down to go with him at one and then to go talk to a potential client at the county jail around four thirty today.”

  She rolled her eyes. She started rummaging around her desk, and after she got settled, she quietly waited for me to finish making a couple of calls. Once she saw I was through, she opened her big-ass mouth.

  “You look bad.”

  “Thanks.” I glanced at myself in the mirror I kept in a desk drawer. My eyes were still kind of puffy, and I hadn’t even bothered to comb the tangles out of my long hair before putting it in a ponytail. I hadn’t even put on makeup. Hell, I hadn’t even applied any lotion. I quickly grabbed my Jergens lotion bottle from a desk drawer and squirted some in my hands.

  “You’re going to need more than that,” she sang out, laughing at me.

  I rolled my eyes, and she quickly wiped that grin off her face. She grabbed her water bottle, walked over, and sat on the edge of my desk.

  “What happened now?” she asked before she took a sip.

  “He’s been cheating on me,” I said to her. “He’s been dogging me out for that trash, Tenosha, this whole entire time.”

  “Oh, girl—” she began, but I cut her off.

  “Why is he doing this to me!” I had raised my voice, and the tears had started flowing again. “I kept money on his books. I went to go see him religiously . . . every weekend. I did that. I did all of that, and he gets out and treats me like this?”

  Tammy grabbed a Kleenex from the box on my desk and wiped the tears off my face. “You can do a whole lot better than Corey.” She put some lotion on her hands and rubbed it into my face. “You don’t need him. He needed you. You have a beautiful son. You’re gorgeous. You got a real nice truck and a very decent job. If he wants to settle for less, let him. If you ask me, he settled for somebody who was more on his level. You were way out of his league, girl. Don’t bring yourself down for that convict.”

  She was right.

  She rose from her perch on my desk, walked behind me, combed her fingers through my hair, and fixed my very sloppy ponytail. After she finished up with my hair, she did my filing for me, giving me time to pull myself together again. Then she squeezed my shoulder. I immediately snapped back and started making phone calls again.

  She was right about everything. I was better than Corey. So, how did I let my heart understand that so I could let him go?

  Chapter 23

  After I left work, I stopped by my aunt’s day care to pick up Drake. We headed to Baskin-Robbins for some ice cream and then went home. When we arrived, no one was there, of course. My uncle had left a note saying he was going to have to close the bakery again and telling my aunt to come up there if she wanted to. I put Lilo & Stitch on for Drake and decided to prepare some chili.

  About halfway through my preparations, the phone rang.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “What’s up?” an unfamiliar voice said.

  I hurriedly lifted the lid on the chili pot and stirred a couple of times. “Uncle Justin and Aunt Audrina ain’t here,” I stated. “May I ask who’s calling?” I grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper from the counter and prepared myself to write.

  “I ain’t calling for them, but you can tell them I said hello,” the voice said softly.

  My face started to get hot, and for a brief moment, a wave of confusion consumed me. I really did not feel like playing with this person right now.

  “Who are you calling for, then?” I asked in a monotone.

  The caller took a deep breath. “It’s me, Drew,” he said softly. “I was just calling to make sure you were okay.”

  “I’m all right,” I replied flatly and slammed the phone down.

  I wasn’t okay. I felt humiliated, dumb, and very unattractive. How could you go on, knowing that the person you were in love with had played you like a PlayStation?

  Just then, my aunt Audrina walked in the kitchen.

  “Mmm, mmm, mmm. That smells delicious!” She smiled as she looked in the pot to see what was cooking.

  She walked into the living room and scooped up my son.

  “Are you all right?” she asked me when she came back into the kitchen. She placed my son in his big boy seat at the table and gave him a toy train that was on the kitchen counter.

  “I believe this chili is about done,” she said as she grabbed the corn bread mix out of the cabinet and a couple of eggs and the milk from the fridge. She took out a bowl and the mixer. “I’ll pop us some corn bread out, and we’ll be good to go.”

  She sang as she preheated the oven, mixed everything together, poured the batter into a square-shaped baking pan, and placed the pan in the oven. She had already seen my uncle’s note, so she grabbed a carryout plate and bowls so she could take some food over to him later.

  She fixed her eyes on me. “You never answered my question. Are you okay?”

  “No,” I whispered. I was sitting at the kitchen table now.

  My aunt Audrina sat down across from me. I told her everything that had happened between me and my ex. I talked and cried. She sat there patiently and listened. After I had finally finished talking, she got up and removed her corn bread from the oven. She put some corn bread on plates for Drake and me and ladled chili into a bowl for me and brought them over to us. Drake was still too young to appreciate chili.

  “Everybody plays a fool, Doll,” she began. “I can tell you all day you are worth more than that, but do you believe that?” She took Drake’s toy from him so he could concentrate on eating his food. Then she walked over to the stove.

  I shook my head no. My proud self was at an all-time low, and for what reason, I did not know. All I knew was that I had hatred inside of me, and my heart felt like fifty million bricks were being thrown at it. I was literally all fucked up inside.

  “Dollie, you can do better than that,” my aunt stated, ladling chili into one of the carryout bowls for herself. “Don’t let a man get the best of you, especially somebody like that. Trust me, honey. When his water runs dry, he’ll be back. But you got to decide if you’re going to take him and his bullshit back. Let that drama go. He wasn’t ready to change, and the longer you stick with him, the worse he’ll make you look. You’re the prize, honey. He never was.”

  “That’s so much easier said than done, Audrina,” I choked out, the tears welling up inside again. “I feel like I am all alone and nobody understands me. I wish somebody would tell me what I did to deserve this.”

  My aunt sat down beside me and rubbed the back of my neck as I broke down once again and cried. When I was finally through crying, I wiped my nose on my napkin. I walked over to the sink to wash my face and hands.

  Drake looked at me and then back at my aunt. “She done yet?” he said. “I hungry. Her crying get on my nerves.”

  My aunt and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. I walked over to my handsome three-year-old and kisse
d his forehead to give him the okay to eat.

  I sat across from him and dug into my bowl. My aunt ladled some chili into the carryout bowl for my uncle and then placed two squares of corn bread on the carryout plate. Then she placed their food in a plastic grocery sack.

  “Doll, I’m about to go to the shop and help your uncle out for a bit. Get yourself some rest and remember this. God don’t like ugly, and that boy will reap what he sows.” She grabbed her food and headed toward the front door.

  Chapter 24

  Even though it was a Saturday night, I had decided not to go out with the girls. I had had a long workweek, and now I had my aunt and uncle’s house all to myself. My son had left for the weekend with his grandma. My uncle Justin and my aunt Audrina had left for the weekend to visit one of their kids in Austin. The only thing I had to do was go check on the bakery from time to time. All I knew was this was the time for me to get my head together.

  I was curled up on my uncle’s fluffy mauve couch, about to rent a couple of movies. I had changed out of my clothes right after Drake left. I was wearing my pink-and-white flannel pajamas. I had braided my hair into one long French braid that went neatly down my back. I had my Mickey Mouse slippers on. Nearby, I had the remote control to the television and the DVD player, my bowl of popcorn, and the cordless phone. I was good to go.

  My mind was starting to get clear about the whole thing with Ten and Corey. I should have seen it coming, but I hadn’t. Or maybe I had seen it, but I had just refused to see. I had wanted so badly for things to work out between us that I’d overlooked the signs. All I knew was that my heart was in pain and my mind was in a very bitter place.

  Corey hadn’t called all week, and that hurt me. Really, it should simply let me know that was where he wanted to be. I shouldn’t be upset or mad about it all. I should just make peace with it. The one thing I had a hard time battling was the idea of being used. Who would use somebody like that? Why the fuck waste my time? Be a man, and do what you need to do without hurting somebody else in the process.