by Ashley Cruse
“On the other side. Justine, I won’t know my bail until the morning. Will you please tell Grandma?”
I felt like a total idiot. I’d never been to jail before. Never even been caught up behind drugs in my life. I knew my grandma was going to be pissed. Another reason for her and my family not to like my guy.
Justine assured me she would be here to holla at me first thing in the morning. They took me to my cell shortly after I wrapped up my call. It had a hard bed and a toilet. They gave me a blanket but no pillow. I really had to use the bathroom, but I was scared of what was in the toilet.
I sat on the hard mattress as I debated whether or not to use the bathroom. When I finally decided to go, I squatted, not allowing my cheeks to touch the rim. I curled up in a ball once I was finished using the toilet and rocked myself to sleep.
At about nine the next morning, the bailiff came and got me. He walked me down this hall and led me into a room. When I walked in, a bald, skinny man wearing glasses was sitting behind a desk. He was looking at some papers and barely looked up at me. He set my bail at eighty thousand dollars. My mouth dropped. I was shocked and angry.
After he did that, I had to change out of my wardrobe and into a blue jumpsuit. They gave me sandals to wear and a bracelet to put around my wrist to identify me. After that, I was ready to go to my initial visit. I cried the entire time. From the moment my ass hit that stool seat in the visitors’ room, tears were falling down my face. I didn’t need a mirror to see that my face was red and puffy.
My mom, Drew, and Justine were all there. When I picked up the phone and saw the look on my mom’s face, I burst out crying once again. Tears came rushing out of my eyes uncontrollably. My mom talked calmly to me, asking me not to cry, for about ten minutes. When I finally calmed down, my mom told me what all my charges were.
“You were driving while under the influence, you sold drugs to an undercover, they got you for possession and manufacturing, and they found marijuana seeds in the rental.” My mom sounded like a robot as she repeated all the charges back to me.
By the time she finally finished, my head was spinning. I was second-guessing some of those charges and was confused. Like, what the hell did all that mean? There was no way we had that many charges! It was like those muthafuckas had made up some shit.
“What am I supposed to do, Ma?” I asked her.
For once, I wished that she would let me know everything was going to be okay. But it wasn’t. Plus, I was worried about Corey. I talked to my mom for a minute. Then I talked to Justine. She assured me that she was going to clean out my apartment, talk to the landlord, and go talk to the manager on duty at my job as well.
“We got to try to get them to lower your bond, sis,” she said to me. “Or we ain’t gonna be able to get you out. We have, like, twenty-five hundred, but that’s about it.” That was when I heard Drew ask if we had any money put up somewhere in the house.
“You guys can go look and see. I really do think we spent every dime on that stupid-ass party.”
Justine relayed the message to Drew.
A gut-wrenching feeling overcame me. I began to silently hope and pray that we did have something set aside. I explained to Justine where they could find some more cash, if we did indeed have any, but I doubted it. We talked a little bit more, and then Drew got on the phone.
“What’s up, li’l bro?” I asked him.
He looked back at me with the saddest expression painted across his face. “Now is the time you are going to see how much Corey really loves you. You’ll see if he’s going to man up to them charges or expect you to take them,” Drew said to me.
“What the hell, Drew?” I said to him.
I was already fucked up about this whole situation. My brother bringing this shit up now made me feel even worse and made me panic even more. I knew Corey. I doubted he’d have me take the charges, knowing I had four kids. Or would he expect me to take them? After all, he was on parole. This was an automatic ticket back to prison. Here I was, though, with no priors. Now my brother really had me stressing.
However, I was his girl, and I needed to step up to the plate and stay down for him, period. No matter what the outcome was. I was the one he had asked to be his better half. I was going to take that role and position seriously. I mean, this whole situation was fucked up, and taking those charges would definitely mess up my name. It was hard enough for people to get a job with even a misdemeanor on their record. Hell, an assault charge included! I had felony charges pending. Felony!
“Don’t worry, sis,” Drew assured me.
I could tell he could sense I had a lot on my mind at that moment. I really appreciated that all three of us siblings had such a close bond. We stayed down for each other, right or wrong.
The guard called my name to let me know I had five minutes left. It was fixing to be time for me to go back. We finished up our visit, and the guard led me to my cell.
It was a four-person cell. It had two bunk beds that sat across from each other. There was a blanket hanging on the back of each bed. There was a toilet on the far side of the cell. Around the corner from the toilet was the shower area. I was locked up with a blond chick, a mixed girl, and a fat black girl.
As soon as they opened the iron door and I walked inside the cell, they slammed the door shut behind me. Clack-clack. The foul odor of rotten pussy, girls on their period, and dirty asses and feet insulted my nose immediately. I couldn’t even say a word, because it smelled like raw coochie so bad. It made my stomach almost turn over immediately. I just knew I was going to throw up. I didn’t. I held my own.
“Yo’ ass sleepin’ up top,” the black girl barked at me. “And you better not be stankin’, either.”
That last remark she made took me aback. She was telling me I better not be stinkin’, but this whole damn place smelled disturbingly. She must have grown accustomed to it. I was just confused how she could fix her mouth to say such a thing, as if she couldn’t smell the same shit I did.
I ain’t said shit, though. I just climbed on top of the bunk and sat there, clutching my blanket to my chest. I kept thinking that the cell they had me in was nasty. The girls looked disgusting, and somebody was foul. But she wanted to tell me I better not be stankin? Girl, boo! The bad part about the raw stench was that you couldn’t tell if it was coming from my tank or another tank.
“I’m Casey. Who are you?” the blond chick said to me.
She was lying on the bunk across from mine. She had the top one as well. She had a neat French braid coming from her head. She was very tan and was looking at a magazine.
“Tenosha Rivers,” I said to her.
I was holding on to my blanket for dear life. I tried to act like I could handle this shit, but I ain’t built for this shit. I was scared as hell and did not want to be here at all. I wanted to go home.
“Relax, bitch. Ain’t nobody gonna fuck with yo’ ass!” the black girl boomed from the bottom bunk. “What the fuck you in here for?”
On command, I recited what had happened. The black girl was terrifying. I knew immediately that she ran shit around here. I was going to do whatever was humanely possible to stay on her good side.
“You out of here, li’l mama,” the mixed girl said, emerging from the shower area. Her hair had drawn up into tight curls that encircled her head like those of Shirley Temple. Almost like mine but not quite. “He gonna want you to accept them charges too.”
“He on parole too? Hell, yeah, he is,” the black girl said, chiming in.
The mixed girl extended her hand to me. “I’m China,” she said.
I told her my name.
“I’m in here for almost the same thing. My charges ain’t as long,” China revealed. “My nigga had a meth lab in the basement of the house I was renting. He got caught up with it, and I was at work, at Best Buy, when the shit hit the fan. They ran all up and through my shit. Guess what? I get arrested too because it’s my house. The house was in my name, and now he acting like the
shit ain’t his.”
“I know that nigga Corey too,” the black girl said, butting in, changing the subject entirely. “He a ho. Scary little punk bitch. That’s some shit I’d see a ho-ass nigga like him doing. Getting his girl to take the charges ’cause he too much of a bitch to man up and do the time himself. You better not take those charges, girl. You’d be a silly, dumb-ass bitch if you did.”
Chapter 36
I had been locked up for almost a month. Corey had been writing me from the other side. My sister, my mom, Bruce, and Drew were on my visitors’ list. I was getting my visits on a regular twice-a-week basis. I had learned that my grandma had allowed my kids to go live with Bobbie, and now I was missing my babies more than ever.
I had also learned that some of my charges were slowly being dropped, but my bond was still high as hell. Casey had shown me how to file motions to have my bond reduced. Bruce and Justine were working on getting me a lawyer so I wouldn’t have to get a court-appointed one.
I slept a lot during the day and seemed unable to keep my food down. I had quite a bit of money on my books. I was grateful for my brother and sister. They were truly looking out for me during these crazy-ass times. Majesta and my family kept money on their phones so I could call them. They kept me updated on what was going on in the streets.
On my way back from my visit with Drew one day, I passed out in the hallway and I was taken to the infirmary. The nurse didn’t like the fact that I had skipped out on breakfast due to not being able to keep my food down. I explained to her that I thought that I was just too stressed, to the point that I was depressed. She thought otherwise and made me take a pregnancy test. That was when I learned that I was expecting. I felt dumb, really. As many kids as I had, and it had never once struck me that I was carrying. I was going to have my fifth child, this one with Corey. That was when I knew I had to get the fuck up out of here.
When I got back to my cell, the guard had me and China switch places. She got extra pissed and tried to throw her weight around with the guards. They pretty much told her to calm down or go to the hole. Since I was a mommy to be, I had to sleep on a lower bunk, and she’d been there long enough to understand what the rules were in that jail. She simmered down and moved her ass around. They were also going to make sure I got plenty of juice, milk, and water throughout the day.
“You’re pregnant?” Delila asked me once the excitement between China and the guards had died down.
I had learned that was the name of the black girl. Whenever I could keep my eyes open, I’d rebraid her hair, and China even had me doing hers. It helped make me extra money, and consequently, I could get calling cards and make commissary.
“Yeah,” I told her.
They all congratulated me. I thanked them. Half of me was in disbelief that I was expecting, and the other part was disgusted that I had to celebrate my news, let alone learn about it, behind these suffocating walls. I wrote a kite to shoot over to my man to let him know we were expecting. I also called Majesta and Justine from the pay phone to let them know too. I hit Majesta up first.
“What’s up, Ten?”
“Girl, nothing much. Just the same ole same ole. Tryin’a stay sucker free. What’s good with you? What’s going on out there? Your sisters still tripping with them girls in the hood?”
I let her give me the latest scoop about the latest events going down out there. Then I gave her information we were hearing in here. I always used to hear that the people in jail knew everything that was going on before those in the free world did. That was the damn truth! I knew more shit about what was going on in other people’s relationships than I had when I was free. I had been totally blind to all this when I was free. Right when my fifteen minutes were about to come to an end, I broke the news to my best friend.
“I found out today that Corey and I are going to have a baby.”
“You are?” I heard Majesta say. “I’ll be up there tomorrow to put money on yours and big bro’s books. I’ll pull him out for a visit and let him know too.”
“Cool, ’cause I sent him a kite. I just don’t know what time they get it over there.”
“Don’t worry, friend. I got you ten times over.”
We talked for just a little bit more, until my fifteen minutes had run out. Then I got off the phone. China was watching me from her top bunk. I lay down on my bunk and closed my eyes. I was ready to get some sleep. She wanted to talk. She called my name. I leaned my head to the side, then looked up at her.
“I just want to know one thing,” she began.
“What’s that?” I stared at her, wondering what off-the-wall shit she was going to say next.
“You’re on your fifth kid. What if they don’t let this nigga out? What if you get probation and he gets sentenced to twenty-five years? You got a felony on your record. What are you going to do?”
“You ain’t gonna be able to get food stamps. Can’t get HUD for a few years or help with child care. The government won’t help people with drug felonies,” Delila said, pitching in.
I shook my head. “I’m just going to have to maintain. That’s all,” I said.
The girls laughed at me. I just shrugged it off. I knew plenty of convicted felons walking around the Lene with food-stamp cards. I knew some felons who were women and had CCMS right now. I wasn’t sure how long these bitches had been locked up, but I wasn’t that green to the streets. If I had to wait a few years for HUD to come back up, so be it. But I was going to maintain, no matter what.
“Good luck with that, girl,” Casey said.
* * *
Three weeks later, I received good news from Bruce when he and my sister pulled me out for a visit. Bruce, Justine, and Majesta had come up there to visit me and Corey on a Sunday night. Bruce was starting the visit with me and ending with Corey. Majesta was talking to Corey first. They had come to let me know that they had hired me a lawyer. They informed me that I had a court date coming up in a month and a half. I was supposed to be hearing from my attorney shortly.
“Thank you, Jesus!” I shouted loudly once Bruce delivered the good news, followed by the details.
“We gotta get you out of here. You being pregnant, that’s the last place you need to be,” my brother-in-law said to me.
I nodded my head in agreement.
I talked with him for a while, and then my sister got on the phone. I watched as Bruce kissed my sister and then walked out to go finish up with Corey.
“What’s up, big sis?” Justine asked me.
“How are my kids?” I said, ignoring her question.
I was sincerely worried. Bobbie hardly ever accepted my calls. My mom and Justine went and picked the kids up every day, but I never knew when they had them. Karen wasn’t interested in talking on the phone. Tyrese talked to me mostly. I’d spoken with Hanson twice and with Marie only once.
They’d come up to the jail a couple of times, but I had asked Justine not to bring them up here anymore. They had cried hard both times they saw me, and I couldn’t take seeing them like that. I hated for them to see their mom in a damn jumpsuit and to have to look at me through a medium Plexiglas window. No hugs, no kisses, just voices and sad faces. I couldn’t go home with them, and they for damn sure could not stay here with me.
“They’re good,” Justine said to me. She told me that they were excited that they might be getting a new brother or sister. “I spoke with Corey yesterday.”
“What is he talking about?” I asked her.
“He said he was going to take his charges to trial. He’s hoping that the majority of the charges will drop off for him too. He doesn’t think he’ll do much time at all,” Justine explained.
I nodded at her. I let her know I was aware of the plan.
“He just wants you and the baby to have the proper care.”
“Yeah, I know. If I get out, I don’t know what I’m going to do with five kids,” I said to her.
“We are going to help you, Ten. That’s what family is for.”
“I know,” I said to her. “I’m going to need all the help I can get, Justine. I really fucked up this time.”
Chapter 37
Dollie
Drew’s lips felt amazing against mine. For a second, I was sucked into our own little world. I felt like I was floating on cloud nine. Like it was just us two, literally, and at that moment, nothing and nobody else mattered but us. My feet never left the ground, but my soul did. When he finally let me go, I stepped back.
“You deserve so much better,” he said. He grabbed a lock of my hair with his fingers and stated,” I can be that man for you if you would just give me that chance.”
His arms felt the best. His eyes were filled with so much affection. The kind I had been missing in my relationship with my ex. I was soaking this entire moment in. Then a disturbing thought occurred to me right then.
“What about Corey?” I said.
I suddenly found myself in a state of confusion. I had not once thought that I should make Drew leave. I didn’t want him to go, not after that kiss. But he was Corey’s friend, and that creep was dating his sister. How was that going to factor in? I definitely wasn’t going to be buddy-buddy with Corey and that piece of trash he was with. He wasn’t welcomed in my home, either. But Drew was showing me a side to him I had never seen before. If he was trying to win me over, it was working.
“That’s my boy,” he said.
He gently let go of my hair and reached for my hand. Without missing a beat, I took his hand in mine. We walked over to the swing on my porch and sat down. He turned his body to face mine.
“I saw a lot of foul shit,” he began. “I feel bad about not letting you in on what was going down.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.” He looked at me, his eyes pleading with mine.
A hint of anger consumed me. I was disappointed that this was ruining our moment. I thought I had gotten over the situation. I folded my arms across my chest. I leaned back, glared at him.
“A hard place and a fuckin’ rock, huh?” I asked with frustration in my voice.