He Doesn't Deserve My Love

by Ashley Cruse

Shortly after Drew and I had started dating, he moved in, and it didn’t take long for Drake to like him, either. My aunt and uncle were fond of Drew as well. My uncle Justin had given him a job at the bakery. Drew and Victoria had even ended up running it together so that my uncle could open up a new barbecue shop downtown.

  Once my uncle got the barbecue shop up and running the way he liked it, he was flooded with business, so he brought Drew over there. That was only because we had a barbecue at my house. When my aunt and uncle came over one time for dinner, Drew fired up the grill and then manned it, and my uncle was enthralled by his skills. Even Drew’s secret sauce captivated my uncle. Drew had learned the recipe from his family and had just added some of his own elements to it. Now Drew managed the barbecue place, and my cousin managed the bakery for my uncle.

  I was currently getting my bachelor’s degree in criminal justice at Hardin-Simmons. I was also working as a paralegal for my boss, Jerry, at the same firm. He had just picked up a partner, whom I also loved. Her name was Roxanne Dorsi, and she mainly handled all the misdemeanor cases and the second- and third-degree felony charges when Jerry was too busy to take them. We had been bringing in enough money at the firm to have two paralegals, an office manager, and a receptionist, and I had got to train them all.

  The office manager position was one that Jerry had created for me, but I had confided in him one afternoon that I really wanted to be a paralegal. I wanted to do the things that Tammy was doing for him, because I saw myself as one day being the kind of lawyer he was. He had eaten that up. He’d footed the bill for me to go to Cisco College to become a paralegal, and while I was studying full-time, he still paid me the same salary I had been making while I was in the office. Jerry had hired a new office manager, but upon hiring her, he’d made it clear that I had the final say if he wasn’t around to give orders.

  Tammy had gone off to law school at the University of Texas, but she always stopped by to see us whenever she was in town. She often called to get advice from Jerry and to clue him in on things that were going on in that area. I even called her from time to time to get advice on how to handle the research on some cases.

  Tammy was my law big sister. She had an answer for everything, and I aspired to be as knowledgeable as she was. Jerry had trained us both so well. Now I got to step it up a notch and do the work that Tammy had performed. I wanted him to be glad that he had invested in me and my future. I was going to make my boss proud while I reached my goals at the same time. I was also preparing to work toward my master’s in criminal justice, so I could become a defense attorney, but I wanted to go to Texas Tech for that when it was time.

  My uncle Justin was currently looking to open up a sandwich and bakery shop in Lubbock. He was hoping that Drew and I would moved down there and Drew would take over that business as well. My husband seemed not to mind. He loved to cook, and it kept him out of trouble. He wasn’t missing that street money. The business was doing so well that he was making a decent amount of money. Plus, my uncle Justin wasn’t a stingy man. He didn’t believe in slaving his employees. He wanted them to eat just like he did. In his mind, that was what a true boss was all about. He instilled that same mind-set in Drew every single time they talked business.

  As for our relationship, lately, we hadn’t had much time for each other. With my finals coming up, I was always studying. Drew had two new people at work, so he wanted to be sure they were trained properly. He was spending a lot more time at the shop. I had some very surprising news for him, and I couldn’t wait to tell him.

  One evening we were lounging around in the living room, watching TV and enjoying each other’s company until the food arrived. We had ordered Italian food to be delivered. It had been a while since we could actually relish our time together. I had missed Drew so much and wanted to give him all the love and affection we had been missing out on due to our hectic lives.

  When the food arrived, I ran to the door, grabbed the bags, and tipped the deliveryman well. Meanwhile, Drew got out plates and silverware. We devoured our meal in the living room and talked about each other’s day. Once we were both done, I decided that now was the best time to let him know my secret. But something was troubling him. I could see it in his eyes. I had to learn that first before I could reveal my good news.

  “What’s the matter, babe?” I asked as I rubbed his neck.

  “I tried to call Ten today but couldn’t get in touch with her. Something ain’t right.”

  “Well, maybe you should try calling her again. What’s going on to make you feel that way? Did she say something in a prior conversation or something?” I asked, trying to sound concerned.

  My ears perked up whenever he mentioned his sister’s name. I no longer had hard feelings toward the girl for messing with my ex-boyfriend, but I still didn’t like her. Even though I really could care less about whatever problems she was having, I gave my husband my undivided attention, so he could share his thoughts.

  At the end of the day they were relatives. I was cordial to her for his sake. I want my man to be able to come to me no matter what the situation might be. Even if I didn’t like it. In order for our relationship to be strong, we had to keep confronting the hard issues, even when it might seem easier to give up. We had to be each other’s best friend.

  “Corey has been in Abilene for two weeks, straight hanging out with this bitch. I know this man, I know he fuckin’ her, and I don’t like him stepping out on my sister like that.”

  “She doesn’t know?” I wasn’t surprised.

  He shook his head. I could tell that this was eating at him, because Corey was his good friend and his brother-in-law. Drew had got to be Corey’s best man at their courthouse wedding. I knew that Drew secretly wanted Tenosha to be with somebody else. Not with Corey. It was her life, her choice. He didn’t tell her what to do, just like she didn’t interfere with us.

  I knew he was real close to his sister and didn’t want her to experience that pain. Deep down inside, though, I could really care less. Like I had said once before, what went up had to come down. When a situation began shady, it normally ended shady. I mean, what did she expect? He had had a girlfriend when she got with him. Did she not think he would do her the way he had done me?

  “Maybe they just split up for a while, baby. Have you tried talking to him about it?”

  I had thrown out another scenario on purpose. I didn’t want him to jump to any conclusions just yet. Maybe it was because I was optimistic like that. Drew always expected the worst but hoped for the best.

  “I’m going to stay out of it. I already warned her about that man, and I had thought the nigga had changed. He’s right back out here in the streets, while Tenosha is in Dallas, trying to get her life together, and she’s pregnant again.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah. He’s got a family with beautiful kids to think about. That nigga too busy being on some other shit to even think twice about them. Ten deserves way better than that.”

  I rubbed his shoulders gently. He closed his eyes. His tense shoulders finally began to relax. I had the perfect thing that would cheer him up right now.

  I took a deep breath. “Well, she ain’t the only one who is expecting a baby.”

  He looked at me with a frustrated expression on his face. I smiled to myself. That meant he was completely lost. I was about to wipe that ugly look he was giving me clean.

  “We’re going to have a baby too.”

  I watched as his frown turned into a smile around the corners of his eyes and his lips. He looked at my belly and gave me a big hug.

  “I knew there was something wrong with you. All those damn mood swings lately. How did you find out?”

  I laughed out loud at his comment. “I’ve been knowing for a minute, but yesterday I went to the doctor and confirmed it. I am about a month along. The baby should be here next summer.”

  “I’m betting on a boy.”

  “Well, I want a girl!”

  “Too bad y
ou won’t get one!” he teased me as he took me in his arms. “I was blessed with you and Drake, and now you’re having my baby. I love you, Doll.”

  “Yes, our family will be complete.” I gave him a kiss to express my feelings for him. God knew I loved him too.

  When one door closed, another one always opened.

  Chapter 40

  Tenosha

  “I’m off to work, Tenosha! I will see you in the morning,” Naomi sang out as she rushed through the house, grabbing her Adidas duffel bag and keys. She hurried out of the apartment.

  That was my cue to get up and watch the children. I rose up from the couch and steadied myself. My constant throbbing headache was making it difficult for me to do anything simple these days. I peered at my curly hair, which was all over the place, as I passed the mirror. I could care less how I looked right now. I just wanted to see what these badass little monsters were doing at this very moment. Karen, Marie, Tyrese, Hanson and my niece, Nestle, were at the kitchen table, doing their homework.

  “Hey, Mommy!” Karen called out to me as I passed by them to check on the other kids.

  I greeted them all before stepping into the hallway. The door to the room that Nestle, Marie, and Karen shared was closed, as was the door to the room that Hanson and Tyrese shared. The door to the bathroom across from their rooms was also closed. My bedroom door was shut, but the door to the little kids’ room was still open. I peered inside to see my two little angels, Corey Junior and Jayci, sound asleep in the bed.

  I decided to go into my bedroom. When I stepped in, I saw a thick-ass letter waiting for me from my husband. He was currently housed in Tennessee Colony, Texas, at the Coffield Unit. God had blessed us both, because my husband had ended up taking all the charges for me once he learned that they had dropped the majority of the cases. His parole had been revoked, and he had to sit out two years in the TDCJ. I called it a blessing because the outcome could have been much worse. I had been expecting our kid at the time and hadn’t wanted to give birth and then do a bid afterward. While he was completing his sentence, his first child, Jayci Anne, had been born.

  It had been tough, but I had made it through. I had been living in Abilene, at these apartments named Abilene North, at the time. The rent had been nothing to make, since it was income based. I’d had all five of my kids with me. Getting my older four back from Bobbie had been hell due to his messy-ass mama. He’d eventually let me have them.

  I had gotten my head back on straight all the way too. Nobody could deny that. Bitches would hate ’cause I didn’t get no time. They’d been mad ’cause I was riding for my honey and was carrying his first daughter. I hadn’t minded the hate, though. I worked at Whataburger at night and went to school to be a dental assistant during the day. I received my certificate two months before Corey got out.

  When he came home, everything was good for that first year. He had gotten a trade for welding and carpentry. He was able to land a construction job three months after he came home, with the help of one of his dad’s best friends. We lived a normal but frantic life. He treated my kids like they were his own, and we took them places. Jayci was really close to her daddy, and Karen even grew close to him as well.

  When I found out I was pregnant with my sixth child, I had just been offered a part-time position as a dental assistant in Plano. I was planning to go to school full-time later on to become a dentist. It was an opportunity I refused to miss out on. Plus, Corey was starting to revert to that street life. He had lost his job and was back hustling again. So in order to save our family, I made the choice for us to move. I gave Corey an ultimatum: he was either for us as a family or against us. Shit was rough. I’m not going to lie. Nigga had me regretting signing that proxy and everything. He even had me wishing I had never even married his ass in the courtroom, either. He had to show me he wanted this just as bad as I did. He chose to go to Plano.

  We made our way up to Plano, but I could tell Corey wasn’t happy living there. He claimed he had found another construction job. I was happy to hear that, because that construction money was good. The kicker was if he took the position, it meant that he had to go back West to work in Abilene, Odessa, and Midland. My gut instinct said hell no. I pushed past that and decided to let him go.

  My three oldest kids wanted to live with their dad in Abilene because they missed their old friends. So I allowed Hanson, Marie, and Tyrese to go live with Corey. But Karen, being a mommy’s girl, stayed with me and Jayci.

  When I was seven months pregnant, my sister called me one night to drop some dreadful news on me. My so-called working husband had been arrested in Abilene for a robbery and gun charge. So, there I was, getting my two youngest kids together and heading out to Abilene in the middle of the night.

  When I reached Abilene, I left my kids at my grandma’s house, then headed for the jail. When I got to the jail, I found Drew and my brother-in-law, Bruce, in the foyer with a bail bondsman.

  “What the hell happened?” I asked them.

  “What are you doing here, Tenosha?” Bruce asked me.

  “I’m his wife. What you mean, what the hell am I doing here, Bruce? What the hell is going on?”

  Something wasn’t right. I could tell by the looks on their faces that something really fucked up was going on. Luckily for them, the bail bondsman disappeared and then reappeared with a dark-skinned, ugly-ass girl with a bad hair weave on her head. I mean, this ho’s head was so busted, you could see the tracks rising from her head where the glue was supposed to be at. Drew and Bruce could not look at me after she came out, talking loudly, behind the bail bondsman. My heart sank in my chest right then. I instantly knew that my nigga was dealing with this trash in some type of way.

  “We can’t let him out. There is no bond. I was able to get Jolleen out, but not Corey,” the bail bondsman reported.

  My brother and my brother-in-law were trying to play it off so it wouldn’t look as if the man was speaking to them. Kind of hard to pull that off when the jail was practically empty and only five people were standing in the foyer. If looks could kill, those two would be dead right now. My muthafuckin’ blood was boiling right now.

  “What’s going on with my husband, sir?” I asked the bondsman.

  The guy looked at me skeptically. He glanced over at the ugly burnt duck before answering me. Or attempting to, anyway. The girl gazed at me, with her big-ass duck lips puckered up at yours truly. I watched in dismay as this bitch had the audacity to smirk at me. What the fuck?

  Drew grabbed me by my arm and tried to pull me out the door of the jailhouse. I wasn’t having it, though. I had questions, and I wanted them responded to now, damn it! Everybody was starting to act like the cat had got their tongue. I decided to repeat myself, louder.

  “I’m Tenosha Knight,” I said, digging into my purse for my driver’s license. Once I got it, I gave it to the bondsman. “What’s going on with my husband, please, sir?”

  The bondsman acted as if he was going to speak, but the duck started in first.

  “You should have stayed your lazy ass in Fort Worth until you had that baby. Hell, everybody know you just got pregnant to try to trap Corey with your skank ass.”

  My mouth dropped. Seriously, this ho felt like it was okay to talk to me like that? Me? I was his wife; she was just a side bitch. A clucker-lookin’-ass side bitch. I had never felt the way I did standing in this situation as I did tonight. My mind was going a mile an hour, and my heart was bleeding. He had traded in our family for 910 South Twenty-Seventh. I hoped it was worth it.

  My brother intervened in the situation, while Bruce and the girl went at it, trading verbal insults with one another. Drew led me outside and back to my car. He needed me to drive him home. That moment was when my suspicions were confirmed. I learned that my fucked-up husband had been cheating on me with this Jolleen girl.

  “How long, Drew? You’re my fuckin’ brother, and you knew about this bitch? I’m your sister. I’d never let a bitch dog you out!”
<
br />   Drew stared at me like a deer in headlights. I didn’t give a fuck. I let him have it.

  “How dare you not call me and give me the heads-up and shit. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water.”

  “Ten, I thought y’all split up. Why you think every time we talked, I asked if you had heard from him? I was under the impression that you two had split up,” he explained to me.

  I could tell by the way my brother sounded that he had had no idea that everything was okay between me and Corey. Corey had made it sound like I was tripping and we had split up. He had come up with this long, drawn-out story about how I had put him out of the house for coming in drunk too many times. Hearing this bullshit fucked me up. I cried the whole way to Drew’s house. I even sat in my bro’s driveway for a good hour, letting the tears run freely until I couldn’t cry anymore. I pulled myself together and drove off.

  That night, I stayed at my grandma’s house. I was too dead beat to steer myself back up that highway. Before I could call it a night, I wrote my husband a long-ass letter explaining to him why I wanted a divorce. I told him that he didn’t do people who cared about him the way he had done me. I even told him about how this ho had smirked at me in my face.

  I had known going into this marriage with him that no matter what, I was going to have his back. Till death did us part, I was going to be with him. But now the trust had been broken, and my heart hurt from the lies he had told—all the times he had claimed he was working but was really getting into trouble in Abilene. Now I hated to admit it—God knows, I hated this to the core—but I now knew how it felt to be played like a damn fool. I got to tell you, that pain was crazy insane. Love hurt like hell. Could make you so damn blind and stupid. One thing I had done that no other bitch could achieve was become his wife. I had his last name, which meant that he was still mine, and nobody else could have him. I had the ring, the kids, and the right to claim him.

  Corey Junior was born not long after. Naomi moved in with me once little man turned four months so she could get back on her feet. Before, I had just let her crash when she needed a place to stay. She was my sister-in-law, so I looked out for her as if she was my very own. We both needed the help, which meant we could help one another. She was working at a twenty-four-hour movie theater in downtown Arlington, so I watched the kids at night, and she had them during the day, while I handled business. They loved their aunt Naomi. My sister, Justine, had taken my three oldest kids, and she came down with them often to see me and to visit her nieces and nephew.