by Harloe Rae
Clearly Ryker isn’t typical, which makes my spirit soar. I don’t want to use Lucy’s dumb list either. But what should I do next? So far, he seems fairly content just standing close to me. We can’t just stare silently at one another all night. That would be . . . too weird. I think?
Am I supposed to start a discussion? Ask him everything I want to know? My mind is a tangle of turmoil because I’ve never done this before. Threads of panic lace around my neck but I shove them away. I don’t want to screw this up again but he needs to accept that I’m different. Whether he wants to be or not. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not, even for Ryker.
I chew on my lip while glancing away from his searing stare. When he grunts, my gaze refocuses on him but maybe I shouldn’t have. Ryker is grinding his teeth while his nostrils flare with a huge exhale. My head tilts as I study his features.
“Is something wrong?”
Ryker’s jaw works back and forth. “I’ve been waiting so long to stand in front of you, just like this. I’ve imagined it so many times over the years. I want us to talk but . . . I don’t know what to say. I’m . . . frustrated about that. I don’t want to be silent while I’m with you. I’ve spent my entire life in silence. Can you . . . please tell me what to say?” He blows out another breath and I imagine that took guts to admit. He’s being brave so I should too.
I have questions, so very many that really need answers. My memory keeps circling back to Ryker ignoring me in school. Every day I waited for his ocean waves to crash into me but they never did. I clear the dryness from my throat. “Can we go back to the beginning? Like four years ago?” Ryker shrugs before nodding. An idea pops up and I blurt, “Oh! Can we also make a deal?”
“Like what?” His tone is gruff as he squints at me.
“Well, I really don’t want to make you mad again—”
He interrupts. “You didn’t make me mad.”
“All right. Ummm . . . whatever you want to call what happened earlier. With the whole ‘being different’ thing.” I use air quotes and heat scorches my face for being a dork. “We want us to be honest with each other, right? I don’t want to tiptoe on eggshells and be afraid to speak my mind. Don’t shut me out if I say the wrong thing, okay? This is all new to me.”
Ryker stretches his fingers before shoving them deep into his pockets. He kicks at the floor before catching my unwavering stare again.
“Okay. I always want the truth from you, Lennon. And I’ll be honest too.” His chest lifts with a big sigh. “I’ve always been the outcast because people were scared of me but . . . the feeling was mutual. I was fine with it, until you showed up. I don’t want to be different or weird in your eyes. I just want to be normal. For you.”
This enormous man just wants to be understood and maybe . . . loved. His admission has emotion clouding my vision. Ryker uses his thick thumb to wipe the tear streaking down my cheek, like he did this morning. I chuckle lightly while my insides turn into gooey mush. “Oh, wow. I had no idea you even noticed me back then. Now I’m not sure what to say,” I murmur as my shoulders hitch up.
He snorts. “Are you joking? You’re all I think about.” An adorable blush colors his face when he adds, “You’re my sunshine.”
I shiver when that name leaves Ryker’s lush lips. His husky tone sparks some serious desire in my veins, sending another tremor through my limbs.
“Are you cold?” He asks softly.
Before I can say anything, Ryker pulls me into his arms. Even though my skin is blazing hot, I’d never complain about being close to him. My cheek rubs against comfortable worn cotton and his heart pounds steadily against my ear. A happy sigh escapes me.
I could definitely get used to this.
Ryker hums before resting his chin on my head. “Better?”
“Oh, yes. This is perfect.” I nestle deeper into his embrace and let the moment swallow me up. Because I’m toasty warm with happiness wafting off me like an expensive perfume, my inhibitions loosen. “Why do you follow me?”
He’s silent for a few beats before his muttered response vibrates against me. “Isn’t it obvious?”
I shake my head while saying, “No. Not to me.”
Ryker moves us to a nearby workstation and leans back against the table, making sure to never break our connection. We settle into the new position before he replies.
“You’re not going to get upset? Run off scared or anything?” His voice holds a decent dose of fear and I want to settle his nerves.
“Of course not. I need to know why.”
“The honest truth?” He pauses for a long breath. “I can’t leave you alone. For my own sanity and well-being, I need to stay close. All the time. If I can’t see you, my lungs seize up and panic closes in. I constantly worry something will happen to you if I’m not there. Or you’ll disappear and I won’t be able to find you. What started as a teenage crush has grown into much more. I’ll admit that stalking you probably wasn’t the best way to show my feelings but it just . . . happened. I need to protect you and keep you safe. Always. No matter what.” His arms tighten around me, as if trapping me in place.
I manage to squeeze even closer on my own. “Whoa, really? Wasn’t expecting that at all. But for real, it doesn’t scare me. There’s something about you that’s always drawn me in. I just wish you wouldn’t have kept it a secret.”
“Yeah, I know. Me too.” His words puff against my hair.
I lick my dry lips before diving in deeper. “So, why didn’t you talk to me again after that shit with Jason?”
Ryker tenses and grips onto my shirt tighter. “I wanted to, Lennon. I thought about approaching you every day. My confidence wasn’t great and after years of verbal lashings and vicious torment, any lingering shreds were decimated. Even though it was difficult to breathe without you around, I waited for you to approach me. Days piled on top of weeks and before I knew it, graduation arrived and my time was up. I had a lot of chances but blew them all. I settled for watching you from a distance and keeping you safe that way.”
I relax against his strong build as realization strikes. I’m incredibly protected and Ryker will slay all my monsters. I just wish this connection happened sooner. “Those stupid jerks ruin everything. How did they get away with it for so long? Didn’t you ever report the bullying?”
His right shoulder hitches up before he tells me, “Snitches get stitches. Besides, I handled it my own way.”
“How?”
“Let’s save that for a different day, yeah? Can we talk about something else?” The plea is clear in his raspy voice.
My head bobs slowly and I bite my lip, deciding what to ask next. “So, after all this time, why did you choose to finally reveal yourself? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure happy you did but was there a reason?” I inhale his addictive musk and hold back an embarrassing purr.
Ryker sighs softly. “I was tired of staying away. Each day, I became a bit more desperate to get closer. For a long time, the distance didn’t seem so bad but suddenly I couldn’t rest until you noticed me. Even if it was in a small way. Plus, you’re about to graduate again and I didn’t want to wait until it was too late. I was just . . . ready.”
“That’s really romantic,” I whisper with whimsy coating my words.
Doesn’t every girl want a boy to follow her wherever she goes?
Ryker jolts back against the table. “You think me stalking you is romantic?” Disbelief hangs thick from his tone.
I lightly swat his pec. “I don’t like that word. I prefer protecting or watching.”
“How are you okay with it? Me following you?”
My shoulders bunch around my ears. “I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess, I like that there is someone out there who finds me special enough to seek out. All those gifts and notes over the years? I’ve saved and cherished each one. Who wouldn’t love that kind of attention? It’s not like you ever threatened me or freaked me out. You were like an invisible friend, somewhere out there for m
e to cling to.” Gah, I sound like a nut. The strain in my upper body relaxes with a heavy breath. “I’d never had anyone really care for me before. My parents love me, sure, but they never gave me affection or positive attention. They pushed me to do well in school and sheltered me from any trouble. You know what I mean?”
Ryker’s eyes lose focus as he mutters, “Yeah. I get it.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
His gaze shifts back to me. “Nah, another time.” That makes two deflections but my heart is happy with what he’s shared.
My stomach suddenly growls loudly and I hunch slightly to silence the gurgle. “Urgh, sorry. It’s way past dinnertime.”
“Fuck, I’m an idiot.” Ryker growls while shoving away from the desk. He keeps his arms around me but the mood has completely changed. “I was supposed to bring you food. It’s Thursday and you always work late. It slipped my mind since I got here before picking anything up. Shit.” His body is rigid and practically vibrates with tension.
I dig my short nails into his strong back. “Hey, now. Don’t be silly. I would much rather have you here with me.” My fingers push harder until he looks down at me. “You don’t have to do all that stuff for me. I’m capable of getting my own dinner, especially if it means spending more time with you.”
Ryker grunts and his neck ripples with a jerky swallow. “I’m supposed to take care of you. That includes feeding you when you’re hungry.”
“Well, why don’t we go together?”
“What do you mean?” he asks with a raised brow.
I smirk at his inquisitive expression. “Let’s go to a restaurant, grab a bite, keep chatting . . . what do you say? It’ll be our first date.”
Ryker is already shaking his head before I finish talking. “No. That is not how our first date is supposed to go. Not a chance. Plus, crowds aren’t my thing. I much prefer takeout.”
He’s already thought about our first date?
My lips purse as I mull that over. Ryker just gave me an idea for later but for now, I’m focusing on food—however I can get it. “What type of food should we get? If you’re all right with us eating together on a first non-date.” I hum at his stony features, not a grin in sight.
“I want to do everything with you. We can get whatever you want,” his grumble moves through me as I think about him offering me everything. My cheeks flush and I bury my face against his firm chest.
Gah, I’m such a dork.
I clear my throat. “Well, aren’t you Mr. Agreeable. What if I want anchovies and sardines?”
Ryker doesn’t look the least bit disgusted by my suggestion. A deep rumble drops from his mouth and completely derails my thoughts, especially when those magnificent lips form beautiful words.
“Anything for you, Sunshine.”
Ryker
Does she see the real me?
I’VE NEVER FELT like this before.
Everything is completely weightless as I soar high above the clouds without a worry on my mind. The girl of my dreams is walking beside me, completely aware of my existence, after sharing a delicious meal together. My heart beats an ecstatic rhythm as a smile hijacks my features, showing everyone just how fucking happy I am.
Let them gawk and be jealous—I’ll even keep my hood down.
My legs stretch ten feet with the pride surging through me. Does Lennon realize I noticed the subtle moves she was making earlier? Like sniffing my shirt or rubbing her cheek against my pec or slowly walking her fingers up my ribcage? If she’s trying to be sneaky or stealthy, it’s definitely not working. I’m completely blown away and totally perplexed that she’s chosen me but . . . these seemingly small tricks are driving me crazy with want. I don’t know how to handle the lust sprouting and growing like a wild ivy inside of me. Is she doing this on purpose? Trying to get me riled up with desire?
The idea makes me float even higher into the atmosphere, where nothing bad can ever harm me again. Lennon, my beautiful sunshine, wants to be near me. More than that, she likes me—stalker parts and all.
This is going to work out between us . . .
“What put that adorable smile on your face?” Her honey voice drips with sugary sweetness as we stroll along the path toward home.
Maybe I should feel emasculated that the term adorable is used to describe anything about me but Lennon can say whatever the hell she wants. I’ll consider myself lucky that she even talks to me.
I glance at her and find those gorgeous aqua eyes already looking my way. “You. Always you.”
Lennon giggles. “Ryker, you’re spoiling me. How’d you get to be so romantic?”
You is the word once again sticking to my tongue but I decide to be more creative. “I have the greatest inspiration and you’re meant to be treated like a queen.”
“Well, you’re doing a heck of a job already. I’m like a giddy pre-teen going gaga over her first as they hold hands. Like, omggggg!” When Lennon squeals, I almost laugh but then she groans and covers her blushing face.
I twist toward her. “What’s wrong? Why is your face all red?”
“Urgh, because I’m embarrassed. Who says stuff like that? Why am I so weird?” She whines and I want to wrap her in a hug.
“I really like the random stuff that pops out of your mouth. Although it’d be hard to find anything I don’t enjoy about you.”
Lennon huffs lightly. “See? You’re way too biased. Anyone else would think I’m a loon.”
“Good thing no one else matters then.”
She stares up at me, her light eyes shining, like she’s got a special secret. “No one else matters,” she echoes.
We arrive at the apartment complex and my chest contracts at the thought of saying goodnight. My muscles convulse with dread as my brain scrambles for something to say.
Lennon steals the words from me. “Today has been unexpectedly wonderful. I had no idea that you’d be here, standing in front of me. I wouldn’t have ever hoped for that.” She takes a deep breath while narrowing the small gap between us. “Thank you for everything, Ryker. For helping me back then and for coming back to me now. You’re everything I’ve dreamed of and hopefully we’ll be spending a lot more time together.”
I drag her tiny frame into my bulk. My voice is a murmur against her dark hair, “I’m the one who’s thankful. I never thought you’d accept me with such open arms. This couldn’t have gone better, even in my wildest fantasies.”
Lennon purrs, “Fantasies? That sounds interesting.”
My face flames as tension locks up my body. My taut control almost snaps from the exaggerated force stretching in two directions. The dirty cravings for Lennon’s body have been getting more powerful, practically interrupting my every thought. Yet, this newly uncovered bond between our hearts is still fragile and I’m not about to destroy my chances.
Her melodic laugh breaks the pressure pounding through me, especially when she whispers, “Just kidding. You looked totally freaked out for a second there.”
A weighty exhale deflates my chest and Lennon nuzzles closer. I’m more than happy to let that subject drop—for now.
“So, I’ll walk you to class tomorrow morning. Unless you’d prefer I keep my distance like usual. It’s up to you but making sure you’re safe isn’t negotiable.”
“No more hiding, Ryker. I want you to be with me, not following behind. The new usual is right next to me, okay?” Lennon leaves no room for argument, not that I would.
I nod in easy agreement, relishing in the sunny warmth beaming into my bloodstream. My hands grip her hips, reluctant to let her go, but knowing she needs sleep. “I’ll see you in the morning, Sunshine.”
Lennon’s fingers clasp onto my shirt and dig in as she tilts her head up. “I don’t want you to leave. How far away do you live? Who’s going to protect you?” She asks with a tremble in her pouty lip. Her worry for me is heavenly but totally unnecessary. My spirit skyrockets with the fact that she cares about me.
“Nah, my place is
real close. I’ll be just fine. Sweet dreams, yeah?” My scruffy cheek rests on her smooth forehead. The urge to kiss her soft skin rams into me but I don’t want to ruin this moment with a wrong move.
She sighs and pulls away, taking her blanket of warmth with her.
“My dreams are always sweet because the beautiful blue ocean and crashing waves keep me company. I hope you sleep well too. Thanks again . . . for everything.”
I’m not sure what she means but it sounds nice. A small grin lifts one side of her mouth as she gives a tiny wave before walking up the steps. I watch her heavenly curves dip and sway as desperation to follow claws at me. Somehow, I resist the temptation and watch her retreating form disappearing from sight.
I yank my hood up and trudge off toward Mac’s, a gym across the street. The comfort Lennon provided me is enough to replace the typical bang of aggression but there’s still an edge of restlessness in my system. I’d rather cozy up against the wall shared with Lennon’s apartment but working out my excess energy is part of my routine. I can’t be getting soft and start slacking off. Pushing myself to exhaustion will help me focus on the work I have to do later.
My mind switches to autopilot as I stomp down the rickety stairs into the underground. As I walk into the dank lobby, the owner lifts his chin in greeting. Words aren’t necessary here, that’s what sold me on this place. The concrete floor is stained with sweat and the chipped walls are crumbling so I fit right in. Outer appearances mean shit.
In the years I’ve been coming here, no one ever interferes or interrupts. It’s an unspoken agreement and everyone is expected to sign on the invisible line. We’re here to blow off steam, not make friends. If I ever need a spotter, someone will silently help out but we never exchange more than a wave or salute. That’s more than enough communication for me.
I toss my sweatshirt into a dusty corner as I warm up on an ancient treadmill, ignoring the rust and grime. My thoughts drift away as my rapid heart rate pounds like a stampede of wild horses. Perspiration drips from my temple and the toxic voices seep out with each drop. I’m not a creep or freak and my eyes aren’t crazy. Lennon never talks to guys but she’s chosen me to spend time with. That’s all I need in this fucked up world.