by Harloe Rae
Her fingers massage my leg but I’m caught in the murky midnight blurring the edges of my vision. I don’t want to leave Lennon but the comfort of the familiar darkness calls to me.
How do I fix this?
Do I apologize until she forgives me? Give her another present? Kiss her senseless? Tell her how gorgeous she looks in the low lamplight? Ask if I can run my fingers through her glossy dark hair? Go home so I don’t make the situation worse?
I’m off balance and sliding all over with uncertainty. I’ll do anything to turn this conversation around and get back on Lennon’s good side.
“I don’t know what to say,” I mutter.
Way to go, genius.
“I want this to work out between us, Ryker. I’m not trying to be a brat and make this uncomfortable but it’s important we talk through this.” Lennon peers into me. The cold attacks my system as frost filters in but my heart keeps pumping warmth into my trembling limbs. My nails claw at the velvety fabric beneath me in an attempt to stay grounded.
“I’ve pushed too far and now you’re going to leave.” My lifeless words tumble out.
Lennon’s head snaps back and she blinks rapidly.
“What? No, Ryker. Why would you say that? We’re all right and I’m not angry, but you’ve gotta change tactics. I’ve never dated and don’t know what’s the best approach so please don’t get upset. I just,” she releases a deep breath, “don’t want to be a naïve fool that keeps overlooking significant things. I realize everything you’ve done has been solely for either my protection or happiness but still. Even you said it seems like constant confession time and that doesn’t sit right with me. There shouldn’t be a reason to come clean. I don’t think that’s asking too much . . . or maybe it is? I’m screwing this all up.”
Lennon pulls away before huffing loudly and losing her touch is catastrophic. My temples throb while my stomach quakes and I swallow hard to keep the nausea from building. I try to focus on her voice but suddenly my senses are spinning. My face tips down while I slam my eyes shut, trying to escape the madness. My soul begs for control but the insanity is waking up.
I won’t go back to being alone. I can’t.
“Ryker? Are you alright?” Lennon’s healing melody crashes through the fog.
I glance at her through a thin crack in my lids before shaking my head. I manage to mutter a pathetic, “I’m sorry,” through my strangled windpipe.
Lennon brushes along the leather wrapped around my wrist and the slight movement sends shocks up my arm. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. That studio is my dream and you wanted to make it come true, which I can’t fault you for. It’s extremely romantic that you wanna take care of me. I love that, alright? It was a shock at first but what you did is different than how my parents handle things. Next time, let’s decide together. This relationship stuff is a work in progress for me too.” Her chuckle falls flat when she glances at my face. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking? Please? I didn’t mean to talk so much. For some reason, you bring out a blabbing side of me.”
“You can’t help me.” My reply is hoarse.
“Ryker, don’t say that. Everything is alright. Did I say something that bothers you? Can we talk about it? Let me be here for you, like you’re always there for me. We can lean on each other,” she says softly.
“You don’t want to depend on me, Lennon. I’m a grown man incapable of figuring this shit out on my own. I’m trying to be better but it’s not fucking working,” I spit fury. “Wanna know the truth? I’m full of hate and darkness and disgusting memories that haunt me. You’re the first and only person who’s noticed me, by some unbelievable miracle, but my screwed-up mind won’t stop making mistakes. Even though you’re everything to me, I can’t be better for you. And you deserve better than me. You should be with someone . . . normal.” That last word is sour in my ashy mouth and the roiling in my gut returns.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I stumble to my feet and start pacing. Lennon stands too but remains in one spot, watching me meltdown like a freak. The shadows are calling, tempting me with quiet isolation where this trouble doesn’t exist. The shadows are sucking me back in and I’m letting them. This downward spiral could stop if my brain quits playing tricks but at this point, it was too late.
“Please stop. Why are you saying such awful stuff? Don’t you want to be with me?” Lennon calls out.
“Because I’m a fucking loser, Lennon. I can’t do anything right,” I growl.
Her hand flies up to her mouth. “That’s not true. You’ve done so many wonderful things for me. All the extravagant gifts, sweet notes, bagels and coffee, keeping me safe all these years, and so much more. Don’t put yourself down like that.”
Lennon’s words are meant to be soothing but all I hear is static. Each syllable is another reminder of how weird I am, a list of necessary improvements. “Anything good has been wiped away by this.”
“Please don’t twist my words, Ryker. Money has been a touchy subject for me so I reacted poorly at first. After hearing why you paid for part of the studio, I realize how different this is compared to shit with my dad. Next time—” I’m too far gone to listen.
“There won’t be a next time!” I roar. “You’re going to leave because I’m a fucking freak, just like everyone always said. Fuck!” My muscles strain to silence the poison in my system and my feet stomp restlessly on the floor.
“Stop yelling at me! How did this get turned around so you’re mad at me?” She wails loudly, freeing me from the debilitating chains.
My frantic movements come to a sudden stop as I face Lennon. She has tears streaming down her flushed cheeks and her chest is shuddering wildly. The inky black fades from my sight as her trembling sunshine pours through.
“No. No, no, no. I could never be mad at you. I’m furious at myself, for the stupidity and defects that make me an asshole. Everything is getting ruined because I’m not a normal fucking person,” I thunder loudly as my hands ball into painful fists.
“Nothing is ruined, Ryker. We’re okay. Let’s take a timeout for a moment,” her tone wobbles as she swipes at her wet face.
“Please don’t leave me. I’ll do better. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” My voice cracks as the tension seeps out of my system. I’m shaking my head so fast, Lennon is a blur in front of me.
Lennon shuffles forward, tearing through the madness swirling around me.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ryker. You’re wonderful and amazing and everything I’ve always wanted, remember? Don’t ever doubt that.” Her upper half deflates with a huge exhale. “This is just a little spat, like a . . . lover’s quarrel.” She traces her fingers down my trembling hand. “We hash it out, make up, and move on. Just because we have a tiff doesn’t mean this is over between us. I hear this sort of thing happens all the time with couples.” Her shoulders bounce as her nose wrinkles.
“I never want to fight with you.” I expel the fiery chaos searing my lungs.
“This is just another first we had to experience. Sometimes arguments are necessary to work through the tougher stuff. That was mostly just flapping chaps and figuring stuff out.” She explains.
“I want to impress you and don’t know how. I’ve been wrong my entire life and never stood a chance of proving otherwise. I’m different and there’s no changing that.”
“I feel the same way, Ryker. That’s why what we have is special, because we’re different. Something no one else will understand, but maybe that’s the best part. What’s normal anyway? This is a major stepping stone, right? We’ll keep learning together.” Her beaming smile chases away the last storm clouds hovering on the edges of my vision. Lennon is the only one who can drag me from the darkness and keep me safe from the shadows.
I just have to let her.
“Okay,” I murmur. “Together. We have a lot of adventures ahead.” I manage a semblance of a smile and Lennon’s laughter lifts my lips into a full grin.
�
�I can’t wait for whatever comes next,” she whispers like these experiences are our little secret—and maybe they are.
A large yawn escapes her before she’s able to catch it. I glance at the clock and notice it’s past one in the morning.
“It’s late. Time for bed?”
Lennon nods before walking me out.
“Even with the bumps, this was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Thank you for everything.”
I couldn’t agree more as my lips peck her satin cheek.
“See you soon, Sunshine.”
After the lock clicks shut and she’s safe, I turn toward my place. At the last minute, I decide to leave her something to find in the morning. I slide the yellow paper through the crack after scrawling a quick note. As I’m straightening to go, the door swings open and Lennon flings herself into my waiting arms.
“I’ll never give up on you, Ryker. Don’t worry,” she murmurs against my neck.
Lennon gives me all the faith I need.
We’re gonna be just fine.
Lennon
There’s far more ahead than there ever was behind.
HOW CAN SO much happen in less than two weeks?
Since that first date with Ryker, the other aspects of my life have been taking center stage. My budding relationship was placed on pause while my all was dedicated to graduating and finishing the college. The time we’ve spent together since that night hasn’t been nearly enough for my liking but the distance was unavoidable. Plenty of long chats and fun days wait around the corner. That will all happen soon enough when it’s just us.
All summer long, and hopefully well beyond that.
I glance at my diploma on the counter and take a moment to appreciate the significance. That fancy piece of paper acknowledges four years of hard work and I’m prepared to put my freshly minted skills to good use. The professors set me free with a stack of recommendation letters, a bundle of real world advice, and the best wishes for starting my own business. The only unfinished business is the logo contest. The winner won’t be announced until later this month but my abstract sunrise design made it into the final round so . . . fingers crossed.
“Did your parents finally leave?” Lucy asks as she rolls another suitcase into the living room, effectively popping my haze.
I groan at the mention of my mom and dad, clingy and bossy as ever.
“Yes, thankfully. Although they put up a decent fight, especially when they found out I was moving further away.”
Of course, my overbearing parents tried corralling me back to their house but I refused before my dad could finish. When I told them about the studio space in Denten, they were not impressed. The protruding vein on my mother’s forehead pulsed with worry as my father did everything in his manipulative power to convince me our hometown had better options. I swatted away their concerns and hugged them tight.
The old me could have been swayed but my backbone has strengthened recently, thanks to a certain someone. I’m a grown-ass woman, very capable of making my own choices, and need to start standing up for myself. That extends to situations with Ryker too. Although in a very particular setting, I wouldn’t mind him bossing me around a little. Fire laps at my cheeks just thinking about him that way.
“Thinking of someone special? Do mommy and daddy dearest know Seeky-poo is planning to shack up with you?” Lucy laughs.
My eyes bulge.
“Heck no! Are you crazy? Even at twenty-two years old, I’m still a little girl to them. Boys are not allowed within fifty feet. Can you imagine? They’d drag me back to Kentville kicking and screaming if they found out.”
“I hear ya. Plus, dating him behind their back is extra sexy. Makes it all forbidden and hot.” Lucy gnashes her teeth while growling but her silly gestures are lost on me.
My gut twists at the mention of keeping Ryker hidden, for several reasons. It’s not that I’m embarrassed of him, quite the opposite, but my parents are freakishly overprotective. One look at my bulky boyfriend and I’d be shipped to a convent no doubt. If they ever knew about the watching . . . I’ve had enough secrets lately to last a lifetime but keeping Ryker from my parents is different though. At least, I think it is.
“Yeah . . . I’d much rather have typical parents that would accept their daughter dating. How will I ever bring him over to meet them? Do I wait until we’re thirty?” The idea is maddening. “They should be glad I’ve found someone who makes me happy,” I complain.
“Stop worrying so much, Lenny. Just enjoy this time alone with him. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth or whatever.” She brushes my worry away with a sweep of her hand and a toss of her blonde hair over her dainty shoulder.
“I guess. Just doesn’t seem right,” I reply around the lump in my throat.
After my complicated argument with Ryker about always being honest, I’m feeling like the worst hypocrite.
My bestie sashays to me before clutching my hands. “Lenny, you’ve gotta follow your heart. You’re an amazing designer and destined to do great things. Don’t let your parents or Ryker or anyone else get in your way. Do you!” Lucy punctuates with a light tug on my fingers.
I shake loose from her grip and loop my arms around her shoulders. “Thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better friend, even when you’re a diva.”
She giggles at my whispered words but I’m serious. This girl saved my ass from years of loneliness.
“You won’t even miss me with that stud muffin occupying your time. Even though my creeper-sense went off at first, I’ve come to realize you’re in good hands with that man. I’m going to come back and you’ll have run off with him to the rainforest, living in total isolation like Jane and Tarzan.” Lucy pulls back and rolls her eyes.
“That better not be a bad joke about—”
“Calm down, Lenny. It wasn’t a personal knock against him or anything.” Lucy gives me a wide-eyed stare. “Just be careful, okay? I’m not ready to be an auntie.”
My mouth drops open in horror.
“Are you serious right now?”
“Safe sex, Lenny. Use protection,” she explains while patting me on the head like a child.
I shove her hand away and huff, “I’m still on the pill, per your advice freshman year.”
“Excellent. Good stuff, right? Keeps Aunt Flow in check, that cranky bitch.” Lucy pops her lips and flicks her wrist. “But I’m talking about condoms. STDs, or sexually transmitted diseases for your virgin ears, are no joke. Unplanned pregnancy isn’t the only side effect of bumping uglies.”
“Why are we talking about this?” I groan while covering my flaming face.
“Because you two will be screwing like rabbits in no time and it’s my civil duty as your friend to provide the basics. Like, wrapping up his trouser snake.” She imitates rolling a condom down her finger and my stomach bottoms out.
I shake my head and swallow the discomfort.
“Can we stop? Ryker and I have barely brushed the subject.”
“Oh, you’ll be groping it in no time.”
“How are we friends?”
“Why do you always ask me that?” She gapes in mock offense.
“Moving on!” I hold up my palms.
“Not so fast. My Lyft will be here soon so any last discussion points before I’m an ocean away?” She asks as she moves to an unpacked pile of supplies. “Everything big that I’m not bringing is already in storage. I know you’ll be out by July but maybe you could check on the place while I’m still gone?”
“As if you have to ask. I’ll take care of whatever’s left.” A heavy sigh rushes from my lungs. “I can’t believe you’re leaving and we won’t be living together anymore.”
“Ah, don’t get mopey on me. We already cried over ice cream last night.”
“I know. This is just the end of an era or something. You’re going to Europe. I’m moving to Denten. This summer will be totally different.” I bite my tongue before deciding to ask Lucy for advice. “I have a question, and don�
��t you dare make fun of me.”
Lucy chuckles from her spot on the floor before stopping what she’s doing to look up at me.
“I’ll do my best to remain sass-free.”
My hands wring together as I mumble, “You know I’m very inexperienced, and not just with boys. There’s so much I’ve missed out on with life in general thanks to my bubble-wrapped childhood. What are some fun activities regular people have done by our age? I’m planning a summer of firsts, for Ryker and me.” I cringe at my word choice, knowing he’d probably go ballistic hearing me refer to us as anything but normal.
“Like a bucket list?” She tilts her chin while squinting at me.
I chew on that term for a moment.
“Well, kind of. I’m thinking more along the lines of typical stuff, not just crazy adventures to check off before we die.” I shudder. “You know, easy things like bowling,” I repeat the example I used to lure Ryker into this plan.
“You haven’t gone bowling?” She squeaks. “Wow. Um, all right. I get where you’re going with this. Sex is number one though, right?”
My gaze sweeps skyward as I ask for patience. “You’re impossible. Forget I asked.”
Lucy snickers.
“If you weren’t so easy to mess with, my life would be horribly boring. All right, for real, this is super freaking cute. You’ll have to send pictures. How about The Sculpture Garden?”
I nod while grabbing my notepad and urge her to keep going.
“The zoo? Waterpark? Oooh, you should visit some dunes and cliffs. What about an aquarium?” She keeps going as my imagination runs rampant.
“Yeah, these are all really great. Do you have any date spots?” I ask while scribbling everything down.
“The bedroom?” she suggests with humor lacing her tone. “Lenny, look. You’re barking up the wrong tree with this sugary sweetness. I’ve done my best to point you in the right direction but don’t drag me into this romance nonsense. This girl,” Lucy points to herself, “is single, twenty-two, and headed to Paris. I’m not interested in cuteness. You’ve got it handled, I have total faith. Look at that killer list.” She juts her chin at my paper.