Watch Me Follow

by Harloe Rae

  Shit, I’m the worst.

  Fuck. How do I fix this?

  I just promised to keep reassuring him of my devotion until he truly believed me but at the first test I failed. He’s taking my harsh response as a forever betrayal against him, the rejection he’s been predicting all along. I should never talk to him that way.

  But it’s more than me holding back impulsive reactions. I didn’t want to rock the boat or tear up the resolved agreement we’d come to after our disagreement with the studio rent. All along I’ve been aware of his resistance. Ryker placed his fear of abandonment and insecurities under my nose but I didn’t do a good enough job making him believe in my love. If we can’t move past his fear of me leaving him, we’ll never survive and that isn’t an option.

  I’ve been so wrapped up in planning fun adventures and the most vital first of all has been forgotten. My love for him needs to shine bright, like the sunshine he calls me. I need to ensure he feels cherished, wanted, adored . . . everything he’s been starved of his entire life. My palm rests on my forehead as I take a shaky breath.

  Why the hell am I still standing here?

  It’s my turn to pursue him for a change. It’s a special way to reach Ryker that he’ll understand. I snag a few necessary items from the truck before dashing across the lot. I pause halfway after realizing writing while walking isn’t working. My hands get busy as my mind works double time to create unique phrases. Once my stack is complete, I continue tracing his path at a rapid rate. When I round the building, my fast pace stops short as my lungs seize.

  Ryker’s massive form is crumpled on the ground with his back against the brick wall. His handsome face hides behind his hands, as though his old black hood is shielding him from view yet he’s out in clear sight. I settle beside him on the grassy lawn, giving him about a foot between us if he still wants space.

  I clear my throat before whispering, “I’m so sorry, Ryker. I feel awful for what just happened and it’s all my fault—”

  “Go back to your family, Lennon.” Ryker’s voice is a despondent mumble.

  “I’m looking at him,” automatically drops from my lips and the truth clangs through me.

  He scoffs.

  “I mean it. You should leave. I’m no good for you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. If you’re here, so am I. If I say you’re the best, the greatest of all, would you believe me?”

  Ryker flinches slightly but remains hidden by his palms. “I’m bad fucking news, Lennon. Seems like you’re finally starting to realize it too. I’m better off alone. That’s what I’m used to, right?” The growl is fierce and sharp, a tone I haven’t heard from him before.

  I push forward, desperate for him to hear me beyond the layers of pain.

  “I completely understand you walking away from me after my shitty behavior but that doesn’t mean we’re done. Not even a little bit. We’re going to solve this once and for all. I’m never giving up on you.”

  “I won’t drag you down anymore. I’m nothing, a total loser. Remember what they called me in school? I’m a freak, Lennon. A crazy eyed creep who will only wreck you. Anything else I say right now won’t be good. There’s been enough damage already. Go back with your parents where you’re safe,” he bites out with grit and venom. His self-deprecating jabs are like bullets to the chest, puncturing my skin and making me bleed.

  My eyes sting as I ask, “Is that really what you want? What you actually think?”

  “It doesn’t matter what I say. You’re going to leave regardless.”

  I sniff away the emotion clogging my throat. “That’s not true, Ryker. Please don’t push me away.”

  “Too fucking late.” His wrist jiggles, spinning the bracelet I made him, as he asks, “Want this back?”

  “That’s something special for you,” I answer quietly, trying to hide the hurt slicing into me.

  “I don’t deserve it,” he rapidly retorts.

  Ryker is beside me but seems miles away. This isn’t my man. The savage misery has imprisoned him and I’ve gotta break him out.

  “We love each other and belong together. Nothing you say will come between that—”

  “Stop!” His roar ricochets through me but I don’t follow his command.

  Tears pool in my eyes as I choke out, “I’m so sorry, Ryker. I’ve ruined everything and failed you. Just the other day you asked me to always be there, walking with you, supporting you. At the first bump in the road, I’ve let you down and did this to us.” I hiccup before grabbing the stack of notes by my hip.

  “I choose you, Ryker.” I read the first one and place it on his thigh. His leg twitches from the tickle of yellow paper.

  “I want you, Ryker,” I sob as the little square sticks to his knee. He scrubs down his face before peeking over at me, his ocean irises glistening with raw emotion.

  In rapid succession, I set down message after message, my hoarse tone echoing the messy scrawls.

  “You’re all I’ve ever wished for.”

  “I’ll never leave you.”

  “You are a good man, Ryker.”

  “Don’t be afraid to fall with me.”

  “Together we’re whole.”

  “I love you, Ry.”

  “Thank you for keeping me safe.”

  “I believe in us.”

  “You’re my fantasy.”

  “Ry + Sunshine = 4EVA.” That one earns me a dimple in his cheek.

  The final one trembles in my fingers as I hand it to him.

  “The sun wouldn’t exist without the sky and moon and stars. Say you’ll always be mine.”

  Ryker’s brow rolls against his forearm as he turns to face me, a haze hindering my view his blazing blues. “You didn’t let me protect you,” he manages with a choppy exhale.

  I curl my body around him, no longer caring if he’ll push me away. Instead Ryker’s arms cinch around me. We huddle close as I blab out a variety of gibberish along the lines of I love you, this is forever, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I’ll do better, don’t be afraid, and come back to me. My grip clenches on his shoulders as he drags me tighter against his chest. Matching sniffles and murmured affections are exchanged in the small space as we cling together.

  “Did you know I dream of your eyes?” I say after gaining a hint of composure. Ryker’s wide orbs flicker to me before dodging away. “Your endless blues are like ocean waves I’m desperate to drown in. I could easily stare into your soulful depths and surrender to those restless tides,” I share, recalling pieces of my favorite images. “Your irises are so much more than a simple color. There’s a multitude of layers fighting for attention. What I see is swirling rapids covering a calm stream that’s surrounded by the dark midnight sea. I saw those things even while you hid from me,” I admit with a sigh. “Now I get the real deal each day.”

  “My Sunshine,” he groans, clutching me with all his might, as if still afraid I’ll take off at any moment.

  I tuck my face deeper into the crook of his neck, the tears soaking my cheeks making them stick to his shirt. He smells like evergreen comfort and woodsy warmth, as if I’m near the crackling campfire again. Wrapped in his arms, the ice in my veins melts away and bubbling warmth flows through me. With a calming breath, I give him more. “We're made for each other, no matter what, and I've done a shitty job reassuring you. I didn’t control everything that happened over there,” I explain while blindly pointing over my shoulder, “and I take full responsibility for making it worse. I should have let you stand up for me, for us, but my past got in the way too. Those are my parents and I’ve always let them rule me so out of spineless habit, I tried stopping you from stepping in. Maybe as an attempt to shield you from their wrath or I was being a typical chicken shit, who knows. But no more.

  “I love you and that’s most important. They’ll always be part of my genetic make-up but you’re what truly brings me to life. Nothing comes between us,” I grasp the fabric over his heart before nuzzling deeper into his emb
race. “I can’t survive without you, Ry. If I’m your sunshine then you’re my sky. There can’t be one without the other. Please never shut me out,” I beg.

  Ryker’s palms scoop me by the rear before depositing me on his lap, immediately folding me into a tightly-knit hug. “I love you, Sunshine. I’d never last without your warmth but they’ll never approve of me. Can you really live with that?”

  “Yes,” I answer without hesitation. “What I can’t live with are the shadows lurking around us. We gotta put them to bed once and for all, yeah?” My jaw quivers with his shuddering exhale.

  “Please tell me what to do,” his broken plea cramps my stomach because for a moment, I picture his much younger self searching for support but everyone turns him away.

  I stroke through his short scruff, my nails scratching against the coarse hair.

  “There are times we might not agree on everything. Strange, right?” I huff out a short laugh and he presses a soft kiss to my temple. “I’m capable of being a brat once a month but my mood doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m here, one hundred percent in. You’ll always have me and I’ll try to prove it each day. But you’ve gotta have faith in me, Ry. You’ve gotta give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes.”

  “I always believe you,” he says in a low timbre.

  A soothing hum shimmies up my throat. “You’ve made it apparent how much you care for me but what about trusting that someone loves you? Wants to dote and spoil you for change? That’s something you’ll have to work on accepting but I’ll do my best to relieve any stress. Giving yourself permission to be vulnerable after a life of hurt seems scary but we’ve gotta give more power to our connection by letting that guard down. I want us to be confident in our relationship, no matter what unexpected twists arise. There’s no end for us, only new beginnings that will test our strength at times. Together we’ll conquer all,” I breathe along his throat and watch as my words cause goosebumps to rise.

  Ryker shifts slightly, eliminating any space between us as our bodies melt into one clumped mass of energy. “I go where you go, always. No more doubt,” he whispers into my hair.

  “Only joy and celebration,” I respond.

  His lips twitch against my brow. “I’ve been waiting for you my entire life.”

  “You’ll never be alone again.”

  “Thank God for that. I’m ready to start our life, for real this time.” Ryker blows out a heavy breath.

  I repeat his familiar phrase, the short statement packed with special meaning.

  “Watch me follow.”

  Ryker

  My heart and soul—everything I have worth a damn—remains with her. Always.

  MY BODY JERKS awake, immediately alert, yet my brain is groggy and disoriented as if I’ve been knocked out for a full eight hours.

  Could that be possible?

  Last night was emotionally and physically exhausting. I was convinced at one point that there’d be no tomorrow. What was there to live for if she wasn’t around anyway?

  When I stormed away from Lennon, my windpipe seemed to collapse as suffocation became a possibility. It leveled me. I struggled to breathe while black spots narrowed my vision until raw warmth blasted around the cold brick that had replaced my heart. When Lennon plopped next to me with no intention of leaving, my heart rejoiced and the poison slowly drained from my system.

  For good this time.

  We sat outside, snuggled together, while the light of day fizzled and the dark settled around us. When Lennon began shivering and her skin felt cool, we returned to the sunshine room. This space itself seemed to seal our reconciliation and solidified the declarations we’d exchanged.

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Lennon coos.

  Her nails scratch along my scalp and delicious tingles take over my body. I moan and lean into her touch but realize she should be far closer. She’s propped against the headboard, wearing way too many clothes, and a remedy for this entire situation becomes priority.

  I reach around her back, gripping her slender shoulder, before tugging her down into the pile of fluffy bedding. She squeaks but doesn’t complain, appearing pleased when I rest my head on her flat belly. Lennon’s relaxing comforts continue, the massage threatening to pull me back under.

  Lennon’s happy turquoise gaze catches mine when I glance up.

  “You make an excellent pillow,” I tell her before nuzzling into her breasts. “But you should still be naked. I tore this shirt off you last night for a reason.”

  She clucks and raises a sculpted brow.

  “We won’t get anything done if you woke up to me totally nude. There’s too much to do. I’ve been making plans while you slept. And first,” she says as she rolls over to grab a plate by her hip, “you need to eat.”

  “You left without me?” The panic scratches my dry throat.

  Lennon shakes her head before dusting my forehead with a soft kiss.

  “I cooked for you. Nothing too fancy. But the eggs are fluffy and the bacon is crispy.”

  My breath hitches and I blink rapidly to ease the sudden sting.

  “Nobody’s done that for me before.”

  “Well, there’s another first. With many more meals to come.”

  A satisfied rumble rolls from my chest. “Sunshine, you’re spoiling me.”

  “It’s about time I start pulling my weight around here,” she says while her fingers softly stroke down my temple.

  “You do plenty by just existing.”

  “Charmer,” Lennon whispers.

  I puff out my chest and say, “Damn straight.”

  She chuckles and a sweet smile pulls at her lips. Lennon lifts her hips, encouraging me to flip over, before setting the breakfast on my stomach.

  “You enjoy this while I talk. I’ve decided we should leave for Denten today or tomorrow. We can make a few stops along the way, like the carnival this weekend. With all that’s happened, I’m ready for a fresh start in our new home. Not that I’ll ever forget this magical place you created here,” she gestures toward the decorated walls. “But all these notes and memories can come with us. Whatcha say? I think this move will be really good for us.”

  “You’re brilliant,” I say between bites and cataloguing her glowing features. “Have I told you about your eyes changing color? Depending on your mood, they’re either a bit greener or a tad bluer. There’s also times when the two mix perfectly together, like a peaceful pairing.”

  Lennon’s face creases as she asks, “What do you mean? My eyes are blueish-green, like aqua. They always have been.”

  I happily munch away for a moment, the seasoned eggs bursting with fresh flavor on my tongue, while enjoying the emotion flicker within her stare.

  “It’s something I’ve noticed about you over the last few weeks. When you’re really excited, like right now, I see more blue peeking through. Last night, when you were angry and sad, green stole the show. It’s been a way for me to tell how you’re feeling. Pretty cool, huh?” I grin at her slack jaw and blushing cheeks.

  “How do you . . . ? I mean . . . where did that, um . . .” Lennon bites her lip. “You’re so freaking amazing, I can’t even find the words. I’ll never get used to how you see me, Ryker. Each day, you see deeper and it astonishes me,” she whispers in awe.

  Her thumb sweeps along my face, as if the soft pad is memorizing each pore. I kiss her finger when she reaches my mouth.

  “It’s all for you, Sunshine. Always. You stopped my suffering and I’ll spend eternity showing how much that means to me.”

  “I love you so much, Ry.” She swallows hard before blowing out a heavy exhale.

  “And I love you,” I echo while finishing my breakfast.

  We lay silently for a beat before Lennon’s phone vibrates on the dresser. She rolls her eyes and huffs after glance at the screen but doesn’t comment further.

  “Who is it? Lucy?”

  “I wish. Hearing from her would be great. That,” she points at the device as if it’s p
ossessed, “is my parents. Again. They’ve been messaging me all morning.”

  My breath falters as I imagine their words. “Aren’t you . . . um, going to answer?”

  “No. They don’t deserve it.”

  “Please don’t shut them out on my account.”

  Her head shakes wildly. “I’m ashamed of myself for how I acted around them. They always make me feel bad about myself. I don’t need those bad vibes in my life,” Lennon explains on a long sigh.

  “What’s worse than that is how they treated you. I can’t forgive them for that. At least not so easily. It will be a long time before I’m ready to make amends.”

  “So, you’re just going to keep ignoring them?”

  Lennon shrugs. “Why not?”

  My heartrate kicks up as a distorted vision of my parents flashes before me. I blink quickly to erase the image before clearing my throat.

  “I wonder what growing up in a happy home is like,” I say softly.

  Her fingers smooth the wrinkle in my brow. “We’ll have the happiest future to make up for it.”

  When her phone buzzes again, Lennon’s nostrils flare as she blows out a stream of air.

  “Maybe you should just answer.”

  “No. If anything, I’ll write them a letter.”

  “Is that a thing between you guys?”

  “I saw a therapist in my teens and she suggested it. I’ve written countless letters that they’ll never see. It was a way to express myself without saying a word. Writing it all out gave me a voice when I didn’t have one,” Lennon mumbles.

  After a beat, she keeps going. “In this case, I’d actually send it. That way I’m not ignoring them and they’ll know how I feel.”

  “I should do that too.”

  Lennon kisses my forehead before asking, “To your mom and dad?”

  My teeth grind at the mention of them but a calming inhale forces the anger away.

  “Yes. I never want to think of them again but maybe releasing the hurt they caused will allow me to let them go. For good. What’s the worst that could happen, right?” I shoot her a small smirk but inside my stomach bubbles with fear.