‘Your stress attack, little episode or whatever you want to call it, was your body’s way – heck, your mind and heart’s way – of sending you a warning signal.’
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
‘You know, Eve, it might seem as though I have everything I want now, but there were things … like a family of my own … that I never got to have.’
‘You did want children?’
‘Hundreds of them.’
‘Really?’
‘Well, five or six at least.’
‘Why didn’t you?’
Mary paused while the waitress brought their coffees, then she sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. Eve watched as the sunlight brightened her aunt’s face, seeming to smooth out the wrinkles and to make her hair glow with golden tints. In that moment, she could see Mary as she once had been, a young and beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her. Then a cloud passed over the sun and her face was back to normal. Still beautiful, still lovely, but a woman with a lifetime of experience and wisdom.
‘I fell in love at just twenty years old. It was 1975 and the world seemed full of possibilities. I had money coming in, I had my youth and I fell head over heels in love.’
‘You did?’ Eve put her cup down on the saucer. ‘With whom?’
‘Oh, a very dashing, gallant and slightly older man. In fact, he was my boss at the factory where I worked. He was so handsome, Eve. I wish I had a photograph to show you.’ Her expression softened as she reminisced.
‘What happened?’
Mary’s face changed then, as if she’d bitten something sour. ‘He wasn’t all he seemed to be. I was foolish, naïve … Back then we didn’t have the kinds of things you women do now. We didn’t have daytime chat shows where women discussed everything about their lives from sex to leg waxing. We didn’t have the biological knowledge that most schools teach children now. Things were more … mysterious. At least for me, anyway. So Frank … that was his name … he seduced me.’
‘Took advantage of you?’
‘In some ways, yes, but then I didn’t put up a fight. I felt so grown up and I wanted to be with him, to learn the ways of the world. I fell for him hard.’
‘Did he love you?’
Mary shook her head. ‘No. He was already married. Something he omitted to tell me. So when I missed my period, then another, and I went to him to tell him, he was furious. Called me all sorts of names.’
‘Oh Aunt Mary, I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s all right, dear. Not your fault, now is it? Besides, it was a long, long time ago.’
‘And the baby?’
Mary blinked slowly and clasped her hands in her lap. ‘He asked me to meet him that night. In a quiet place where we’d met up before. I went, young fool that I was, hoping that he would propose or tell me he loved me and we could run away to be together.’
‘But he didn’t?’
‘No. Instead he told me he wanted nothing more to do with me. He said I was a whore and that there was no way the baby was his. In that moment, my heart broke and I felt such a fool. Such a stupid, naïve fool.’
She took a sip of her coffee then dabbed at her lips with her napkin. A small brown bird landed on the wall next to their table, then fluttered down by Mary’s feet and pecked at a few crumbs that had fallen from the table. Mary smiled at it.
‘I turned away, about to leave, but he grabbed me. He was so strong and I was so tiny, like you are now. The morning sickness had kicked in and I couldn’t keep a thing down. I tried to push him off, I tried so hard, Eve, but he said I needed to learn a lesson. He was an angry man. I hadn’t seen that side of him before. I suppose these days he’d be offered some form of counselling.’
‘Did you manage to escape or did someone come to help you?’ Eve’s armpits prickled with anger as she thought about this man who’d hurt her aunt.
‘No. He punched me, very hard … several times.’
‘Oh God!’ Eve gasped then covered her mouth. ‘That’s so awful. Did the police get him?’
Mary shook her head. ‘I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and too afraid of the shame it would have brought. I started bleeding that night and the next day I miscarried. It was early in the pregnancy, so I dealt with it myself as best I could and told no one.’
‘Were you all right … physically?’
Mary pressed her lips together so hard they went white. ‘It took a while for my body to recover. As you know, Eve, when you’ve been pregnant but not had a baby at the end of it, your body is a bit confused for a while.’
Eve nodded, remembering the milk that had leaked from her breasts in expectation of providing for two tiny babies that would never take a breath. ‘Nature can be cruel.’
‘Mankind can be cruel. Nature just does what it should do. At the end of the day, we’re all just animals.’
‘What happened to him? That brute?’ Eve wanted to find Frank and punish him for what he’d done to her young and innocent aunt.
‘I have no idea. I left my job and took the money I’d saved, then ran away. That was when I came here. To Cornwall, to Conwenna Cove. At just twenty, I left everything behind and made my life somewhere else. I couldn’t stay there to think about what might have been. I had to leave, to change, to set myself free.’
‘You were so young.’
‘People far younger than I was make their own way in life, dear. Look at you and all you achieved by putting yourself through university and getting such a good job.’
The air around them seemed to thicken and Eve struggled for a moment to breathe. How had something so awful happened to her lovely aunt, to the woman who was not just a relative but a friend?
‘Did you ever try to have another child?’
Mary shook her head. ‘I didn’t. I mean, I had a few relationships but they never worked out. Some with tourists flitting through, others with local men, but something held me back. I couldn’t commit, especially not to having a baby. But I had one comfort in all of that.’
‘You did?’
‘My summers with you. Eve, you were like my own dear child. I loved you deeply, still do, and our time together was so precious. I looked forward to that hedonistic six weeks that I got every year. You filled my heart enough for me to go on. You were my little girl.’
Eve sprang from her chair and threw herself into Mary’s arms. ‘I love you too!’
Mary patted her back gently and they laughed and cried as they hugged, oblivious to the smiles being cast their way by other diners enjoying the walled garden.
When Eve returned to her seat, she asked, ‘But now you’re in love?’
Mary’s face brightened. ‘Oh yes, dear. Very much so.’
‘Then there is hope for me too.’
‘Plenty of it, Eve. It might be closer than you think.’
Eve smiled but didn’t reply. Her belly fluttered. She’d just learnt things about her aunt that she could never have imagined. She would never cease to wonder at how much people went through and how much they could endure. Mary’s loss had been great, and had impacted upon her enormously. Yet she had learnt to live with it and moved on.
Eve’s own losses were different because she had made different choices; in retrospect, not always the right ones. But whatever else happened from now on, she knew that she was closer to Mary than ever before, and that they would have each other’s backs.
No matter what.
Chapter 19
‘So how did dress shopping go?’ Jack asked later that day as they walked the dogs along the sandy shore of the cove.
‘Well, Mary looked at quite a few dresses and tried some on but she didn’t settle on anything.’
‘Too fussy?’
Eve shook her head. ‘Not really fussy. I think she’s just taking her time. After all, it’ll be the only wedding she’s had.’
‘I know. I can’t believe that she never married. She’s such a lovely person and she’s attractive now, so when she was your age she must have
been a knockout.’
‘You trying to tell me you have a crush on Mary?’ Eve nudged him.
‘No, no. Of course not! That would be too weird. She’s been like a mother to me.’
‘Me too. My own mother being sadly lacking in maternal feelings.’
‘Is she really that bad?’
Eve chewed her lip. ‘She married my father when she was quite young but they were both so ambitious and had plans for their own business. They didn’t really want children; I was kind of a surprise. Whenever they could palm me off on someone, they did. That was why I never wanted kids of my own.’
‘You still feel that way?’
Eve stared out at the sea and watched a boat bobbing on the horizon. Sometimes she felt like that, small and alone, vulnerable, but she never allowed herself to dwell on it for long.
Jack took her hand and she felt instantly anchored.
‘You mean do I want children?’
‘Yes.’ He squeezed her hand.
‘I don’t know, to be honest. At one point it seemed like a possibility, then things changed and now … there’s so much else to consider. What about you?’
Jack smiled. ‘Maybe one day. When I find the right woman.’
Did he just squeeze her hand a bit harder, or had she imagined it?
She nodded. The right time, the right woman, the right man, the right home, the right lifestyle, the right amount of savings … It could all seem right at certain points in life, but in reality there could be something not quite right lurking beneath the surface. And look what happened then!
A vibration from Eve’s pocket broke into her thoughts and she pulled her phone out to look at it.
‘I need to take this,’ she said.
Jack nodded and released her hand, then took the dog’s lead from her. Eve swiped the phone to answer and took a deep breath.
‘Hello?’
‘Eve, it’s me.’
Her stomach churned at the familiar voice.
‘Hello, Darryl.’
‘How are you?’
‘Oh, you know—’
‘Look, Eve. I know what happened to you. I bumped into Amanda at the supermarket. I went round to the house at the weekend and you weren’t there. I didn’t like to let myself in, it just didn’t seem right. I asked Amanda if she knew where you were.’
‘I just needed a bit of a break.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ His tone was cold but Eve couldn’t blame him. She’d hurt him and pushed him away when they should have been clinging together. ‘But are you all right?’
‘Yes. It’s helping being away, taking some time.’
‘So there’s nothing seriously wrong?’
‘No. I promise.’
‘Phew! I know things have been tough between us, but I still wouldn’t want to see you ill.’
Eve’s throat closed over and she swallowed hard. Darryl had his faults just like everyone else, but he also had a kind and caring side. After all they’d been through, he was still concerned about her welfare.
‘How long are you staying there?’
‘A few weeks, I think. Until half-term, maybe a bit longer.’
‘Okay. Look, Eve, uh … I don’t want to add to your worries, but we need to talk … face to face. We have things to sort out. It’s all dragging on a bit really, isn’t it?’
Eve had wandered slowly away from Jack, but now she glanced up and saw him crouching next to the dogs. The three of them were gazing out to sea and the tide was creeping in, almost touching their feet each time a wave rolled in. Jack was a good man too, just like Darryl. But Eve didn’t deserve to have a good man in her life. Jack had already been through so much; imagine if he fell in love with her and she hurt him.
‘When were you thinking?’ she asked.
‘Well as soon as possible really. Time is money in the land of solicitors, and having this hanging over our heads … it’s not exactly doing either of us any good, is it?’
‘You mean you need some closure.’
‘Emotionally as well as financially, Eve. We need to decide what we’re doing with the house, our savings and the rest of our things.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been trying not to think about it. Pushing it all away like one big sad memory.’
‘I know you need your time out, but …’
‘It’s okay, Darryl. I’ll come back this week and we can sort it out. Make a plan of action.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll drive back tomorrow and you can come over on Wednesday evening if you like.’
Give me a chance to tidy up a bit first!
‘Sounds good.’
‘See you Wednesday about six?’
‘Six it is. And Eve …’
‘Yes?’
‘Drive carefully, won’t you?’
‘Sure.’ Eve ended the call and slid her phone back into her pocket. The last thing she wanted was to go back to Bristol right now, but she also knew that she couldn’t really move on until she’d put everything else behind her.
Jack looked up as she approached. ‘You okay?’
‘Yeah. I guess. It was … my husband.’
‘Oh!’ Jack stood up suddenly.
‘He wants to sort everything out.’
Jack shifted uncomfortably. ‘As in get back together?’ His face had fallen.
‘No! As in finalize the divorce and sort the house and finances.’
‘But right now? Before you’ve had time to recover? It’s not a good idea to go back until you’re strong enough to deal with it all, surely?’
‘To be honest, Jack, I think having all this hanging over me has been contributing to the pressure. I’m always pushing worries away, trying to store them at the back of my mind, when what I should be doing is living for today.’
‘I can’t argue with that. So when will you go?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘So soon?’ He raised his eyebrows.
‘Sooner the better. I’ll get it done and dusted then come back to Conwenna as soon as I can.’
‘Okay.’ Jack looked away and Eve watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed furiously.
‘I will come back,’ she said, as she slid her hand into his.
Jack just nodded.
They walked the rest of the length of the beach in silence and Eve felt as if something had shifted between them. She wanted to talk more but she was afraid that Jack might say something to stop her going back to Bristol, and she knew that she had to go, had to get it all done, or she’d never be able to look to the future.
* * *
Eve dropped her handbag onto the passenger seat of her car then closed the door. She hadn’t driven it since she’d arrived ten days ago. Just ten days, but it felt like ten months. Things inside her had already begun to change – she felt healthier, happier, more herself – but she knew she had to get her life in order because she’d never relax fully with the shadows threatening to loom at any moment.
Jack had disappeared after they’d returned to the cottages the previous evening and she hadn’t seen him since. She was hoping that he’d show his face before she left because she didn’t like the thought of going without saying goodbye. Although she knew that saying goodbye was going to be tough.
She went back into the cottage and found her aunt in the kitchen filling plastic tubs with food.
‘What’re you doing?’ she asked.
‘I can’t see you go off without giving you something to keep you going.’
‘There are plenty of shops in Bristol.’
‘Yes, but I worry that you won’t eat properly. You weren’t looking after yourself at all before and when you arrived you didn’t look well. You do look better now but you’ve still a way to go before you’ll be back to your fighting weight.’
Eve laughed. ‘I’ll be fine. I promise I’ll eat.’
‘Well I’ll give you some cakes and some home-cooked meals for the freezer just in case. All you need to do is heat
them up in the microwave and hey presto, you’ll have delicious healthy meals … Oh, Eve!’ Mary stopped what she was doing and turned around, then opened her arms.
Eve stepped into her embrace. ‘I’ll miss you, Aunt Mary.’
‘And I shall miss you, my darling girl. You must take care of yourself and please come back soon. You know, I could have visited you in Bristol before … when you … but to be honest, I didn’t think you’d want me there.’ Mary raised shiny eyes to meet Eve’s.
‘That’s my fault because of what you overheard at my graduation. But I was an idiot and I have always loved you and been proud of you.’
‘Rejection is hard to take, and after all that happened in my past …’
Eve nodded. ‘I know. That bastard knocked your confidence and you’ve been insecure ever since.’
Mary shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to be a burden. I just always hoped you’d come to me if you needed me.’
‘And I did.’
‘Yes, dear. I do love you so much.’
‘And I love you. Look … I’m not planning on missing the village fair. I’m going to sort things out with Darryl, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. I have my doctor’s note and I know I’m not ready to return to work just yet. I’m not sure when I will be ready, but one step at a time, right? Sort my marriage and house, then deal with the next issue.’
‘That’s right, Eve. One thing at a time. You can’t do it all in one go.’
Mary released Eve then tucked all the plastic pots into a big shopping bag and carried it out to the car. Eve patted the dogs’ heads and waved at the cats. ‘It’s as if they know I’m going.’
‘They do. Very intuitive these animals are. They’ll miss you too.’
Eve glanced at Jack’s cottage. But there was no sign of him.
Will Jack miss me too?
‘Why don’t you go and knock?’ Mary asked.
Eve worried her bottom lip. ‘I don’t know if I should.’
‘He’ll be upset if you don’t.’
‘Okay.’ Eve reached into the boot of her car and brought out a package wrapped in silver tissue paper. It was the green shirt she’d bought in Truro. She had considered keeping it and giving it to him when she returned, but it seemed more fitting for him to have it now, before she left. ‘I won’t be long.’
Summer at Conwenna Cove Page 20