Forever in Ink

by Jude Ouvrard

  My face nestled in her neck, I tried to wake up from my dream. Can this be real? Am I about to become a father? Thoughts rushed at me, and unable to control the tears, I cried like a baby while holding my girlfriend and kissing her because I couldn’t speak anymore. Right then, I could only show her how much I loved her.

  “We still need to make sure before we get all excited.” She laughed.

  Right, stop crying, man. A new list of questions invaded my brain. Why does she think she’s pregnant? Is she late? Was the vomiting a sign? “Tell me. When did you start figuring out you might be pregnant?”

  Before answering me, she dried my tears with her black top. Her lucky one. The one she wore to every audition. “I’m late. At first, I thought it was because of all the hours I’ve been putting into my training, but then I realized there were other signs, too. I’ve been so tired, and hungrier than I normally am. Plus, my breasts are swollen.” Chuckling, she raised her eyes to mine, and she seemed shy. “I’m not a hundred percent sure I am, but I think the chances are good.”

  “I didn’t expect this today, but it makes me so happy. Can we get a pregnancy test, or should you go get a blood test? I don’t know what we do now.”

  She tightened her grip on me, pulling me as close as possible. The blue of her eyes burned into mine as she professed, “I love you, Kyle. This is one of the most beautiful days of my life.” Cassidy leaned toward me until our faces were less than an inch apart and I could feel her breath dancing on my skin. We stayed that way longer than I thought we would, the realization there might be a little person growing in her small belly lingering between us.

  Call me a pussy, but it was a beautiful moment. One I would never forget. When we were old and wrinkled, we’d remember this moment… and so many more.

  “Let’s get out of here, if you’re sure this is what you really want?”

  “Come on.” Cassidy spanked my ass, then added, “I’m hungry.” So was I, but not for food.

  “First, we get a test, and then we’ll grab food on the way home after.” I needed to see this for myself. Get some sort of proof so I’d know I hadn’t dreamt the past five minutes.

  We got outside before I noticed Cassidy was still wearing her pointe shoes and ballet outfit. Who cared, though? Right? News of the baby, and the possibility that we’d become parents in about nine months, had me in a happy daze. Everything else was pushed away, because it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t care what we were wearing or how we looked, I was happy with what we were, but Cassi wanted to change her shoes. Knowing how uncomfortable those things were, we made a quick stop for her. Once she’d changed into her sneakers we scurried, like happy fools, to the store to buy a test.

  Holding the bag from the store in my left hand and her hand in the other, we were silent on our walk home. Things had gotten real now that we’d bought the test. Well, two tests. The pharmacist said we didn’t have to wait until morning to use it, which I thanked God for, because I could barely wait long enough for us to get home.

  “Kyle…” Her voice stopped me mid-step on the stairs.

  “Yes, babe.”

  “I’m nervous. I’ve never been this nervous. I feel like I’m going to be sick again.” She closed the distance, allowing the connection between us to grow stronger.

  “You won’t be sick. Whatever happens upstairs, we’re in this together. I’ll never leave you. We’re solid. You’re my soul mate, Cassi. If you’re pregnant, we’ll just have to trust life and work hard until the baby is born. We’ll be fine, babe. And if it isn’t happening now, then we’ll better know what to expect next time.”

  “Okay, let’s do this.” She took over and unlocked our door before walking straight to the bathroom, not wasting any time. “Give me a second for the pee thing.”

  “Come on, I’ve seen you pee before.” I laughed

  She rolled her eyes. “I know, but this is different. You can come in, just don’t look.”

  “Fine. Whatever, silly.” I stood over in the opposite corner chuckling at her nonsense. Of course, I sort of understood her point, as she had to pee on both sticks, but I’d watched her do more unconventional things. Because I was a good boyfriend, I did as told and avoided watching her, though.

  “Okay, that’s done. Now, we have to wait.”

  I turned around to see her placing the tests on the small bathroom counter. Wanting to distract us both from the waiting, I gripped each side of her face with my hands and moved toward her until I collided with her mouth. Her lips were soft and warm, inviting me to kiss them. She clutched the back of my shirt while responding to my kiss. It felt like we couldn’t get close enough to each other. We were in the middle of one of the best moments a couple could wish for.

  Is she or isn’t she pregnant?

  I wanted to know, but didn’t want to part with her lips yet. They were my happy place; kissing her had always been a thing I loved with Cassidy, but also, every word which passed those lips gave me hope for a good life. She made me believe I could be someone worthy. As long as we were together, I had no fear. Happiness was my only state of mind.

  “It’s time, babe. We should look together,” she said squeezing my hand in hers.

  Because the tests were closer to me, I looked first, then gulped. “Positive. I think they’re positive.”

  Cassi blinked at me in disbelief, then checked for herself. “Oh, my goodness. I really am pregnant.” Right away, her eyes filled with tears as a smile laced her face. “I’m so happy, Kyle. We’re going to have a baby. Someone we’ve created is growing inside of me.”

  “I know, babe, I know. I’ve never seen you so happy, or emotional. God, I love you, Cassidy.”

  She cupped my cheeks then kissed over my face. “I love you so much, Kyle. And as long as I have you in my life, I know I’ll be happy.”

  Our first baby was coming sooner than we’d planned, but that was life! Always expect the unexpected. This was how my life had always been.

  Cassidy came from a loving family. Her parents were happily married, the funniest couple I’d ever met, and had good stable jobs. Meanwhile, I hadn’t seen my father in five years and my mom struggled to live a normal life. A life where the bills were paid but little money was left for the little pleasures. We invited her to dinner once a month, which she loved, and she got along great with Cassidy. Since I’ve known Cassidy for a long time, my mom was used to seeing her around. When she and I got together, they clicked. For my mother, Cassidy was like her own daughter. Mom loved her every bit as much as she loved me.

  With so much love surrounding us, our baby would be treasured and cared for without a doubt.

  Her hands reached under my shirt, wrapping around my waist. A warming sensation, from her skin against mine, spread throughout my body sending my thoughts straight to sex. What can I say? Sex with her had to be my biggest addiction, other than tattoos, of course.

  “K, can we keep this between us?” She kissed me again. “Let’s wait until the twelve week to tell anyone. I’ve heard that’s what people do. Just in case.”

  “Yeah, babe, that’s fine.” Breathless and riled up, I pressed her against my chest then dug under her clothes, seeking her skin. The need to feel her muscles tighten underneath my adventurous hands led me to hungrier caresses and clothes being thrown on the floor.

  Everything happened so fast that, before we knew what was going on, we were stood naked, breathless, and powerless in each other’s presence. The craving which pulled us together, also controlled our hunger and will. I couldn’t stop touching her, loving her, or kissing those lips. I kept at it while her body was flush with mine. Her breathing was heavy, her touches were grabby. Had we ever kissed with such intensity? Loved each other with so much praise? I couldn’t remember it ever being so… surreal. There was one thing I did know—I didn’t want to stop. Not now, not ever. This day had to be the best of my life, and in this moment our lovemaking was meant to be the hottest, most passionate we’d ever had. She deserved it. I
wanted to give it all to her, for making me this joyful, and for giving me a future.

  We made love on a towel, on the cold tile floor. We could have moved to the bedroom, but after the meaningful discovery we’d made here, we stayed, and it turned out to be freaking perfect. Raw, honest, us… it was everything we both needed.

  “This was so perfect,” she whispered when I lifted Cassidy into the bath afterward. The water was running, and I’d added some of her favorite bubble bath.

  “Relax here. I’m going to go get you that big fat piece of cake, and something on the side.”

  She laughed, and it made me feel complete. Never, in all the years we’d spent together, had she been needy, complicated, or frustrating. Cassidy was a simple girl. Someone who was easy to please. First and foremost, she was someone I’d never stop loving.

  I walked outside into the cold, and felt it in my lungs. While it didn’t ruin my mood—nothing could right now—I wanted to get back inside again and warm up as soon as possible, so started walking with purpose. A few minutes later, the ring of my phone startled me and I stopped to check the caller ID.

  “Hey, Levi. What’s up?”

  “Hey, K. Not much. I started working with my dad not too long ago.”

  “Cool. We need to hang out soon, and catch up.”

  “We definitely should. It has been a while. With finals and working full time, I’ve been really shitty with my social life. Did you get your real estate license yet?”

  “Still working on it. For now, I’m still tattooing on the side to make ends meet. Until I can have my career, you know?”

  “You’ll be good at it, I know you will. You’ve always been good with people.”

  Smiling like an idiot, it felt good to hear him say that. His opinion mattered to me. “Thanks, man. It means a lot.”

  “No problem, Kyle. Whatever you need, I’m here. Hey, I have to get going for now. How about we do something next weekend?”

  “Absolutely, I’ll call you,” I promised then hung up right as I entered the bakery.

  Surveying the menu, I ordered Cassidy her cake, plus roast beef sandwiches with side salads for both of us. Sounded delicious to me. I hurried back home to find her passed out from exhaustion in the tub. I took the moment to watch her, to memorize her beauty in my mind because I knew moments like these were important. My mom kept telling me to enjoy the good moments in life, because she’d lost everything with my dad’s abrupt departure. So, I made sure to follow that rule every damn day of my life.

  Kyle

  Our first appointment with the doctor, where the pregnancy would get official confirmation, was scheduled for the following Friday—not that we needed the confirmation. Cassidy’s morning sickness the last two days had pretty much clenched it in our minds.

  I took my final real estate exam that morning to get my license. With the baby coming, it was time to be serious and get that out of the way. Cassi was still doing her thing; i.e. dancing until her toes were falling apart. Although I hadn’t said anything to her, I’d noticed her belly had begun swelling up of late. Which is why I didn’t want to say anything about her dancing while pregnant. She might as well dance now, and enjoy herself, because the weight of the baby, and the havoc it would cause to her balance, would soon make dancing a near impossibility.

  Classical music could be heard throughout the school, accompanied by eight counts being belted out by the teachers. Multiple days since I’d first heard the song for the piece they were learning had passed. Each time it got stuck in my mind and then played on repeat for hours. One of the joys of being engaged to a prima ballerina. Thinking about her made me smile.

  Yeah… I know how that made me look, but I loved her. Which was all that mattered.

  Twirling, dipping, and leaping in her black tutu, Cassidy’s every move was precise—feet well-aligned with the perfect curve of her shoes, attention to placement of fingers, back straight, and neck held high, she was a vision. Her whole demeanor changed when she went into dancer mode. From the funny, free-spirited girl I knew and loved, she switched to serious and graceful when she stepped inside this building. The way she walked shifted to pointing her toes up front before her heel, sort of how she worked her pointe shoes. Even her voice changed, becoming a whisper, a soft calm.

  My heart rate was starting to climb as anxiety about the upcoming appointment started, but when I waved as she saw me standing by the open door, her smile became as wide as her face. Her eyes reflected the happiness we both felt.

  “Ready to go, babe?” I asked before she welcomed me with a quick kiss on the lips.

  “Most definitely.” As the tutu dropped to the floor, she untied her hair, letting it fall down over her face and shoulders, and then undid her shoes.

  She was in a hurry, I could tell, and before I knew it, we were walking toward the parking lot, our clammy, trembling fingers clasped together. We hopped in our car, and I drove us to the hospital. Our appointment was on the maternity floor.

  Cassidy hesitated, looking down at her belly and praying, before getting out of the car. I thought it was pretty damn cute, but wondered why she felt the need to pray. We were both a hundred percent certain she was pregnant; she had all the symptoms.

  “You never pray. Why now?”

  Caressing her small bump with her hand, she let out a timid chuckle. “I don’t know. Just feels right to pray for a healthy baby with a strong heart and his, or her, father’s looks.”

  “Nah, your looks, babe. You’re the prettiest.”

  Rolling her eyes and squeezing my knee at the same time, she suppressed a laugh. “Come on, let’s go. It’s almost time.”

  About an hour later, we were waiting to get an ultrasound. Cassidy had peed in a cup and been poked and prodded by multiple nurses collecting vitals and drawing blood for her preliminary labs. Once a positive pregnancy test via blood was on record, she was passed onto the actual doctor, who, because of her career as a ballerina, suggested a more elaborate check-up. He knew she was healthy, but given the diet restrictions and intense physical training, he wanted to be sure she was “baby healthy,” as he called it.

  Doctor Devon started pressing on Cassi’s belly once she was lying down the bed. As we held hands, her nervous eyes kept darting to mine. Each time I winked at her, trying to give her some kind of comfort.

  “This might be cold, I’m sorry,” Devon warned a second before squirting gel on her belly and then swiping what he explained was a transducer across her lower belly in search of the heartbeat. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before the sounds echoed from the speaker. Cassidy’s slower, steady thumping was joined by a much faster, and louder, beat. Incredible.

  “A strong baby you have here,” Doctor Devon said, and tears rolled down to Cassidy’s temples. “Look, here.” He pointed at the monitor then made a few measurements, clicking away. “This little blob right here, is your baby. I’d say you are approximately ten weeks pregnant. Congratulations.”

  “Ten weeks?” Cassi and I said at the same time.

  “But I had my period five weeks ago. That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “That happens sometimes, it isn’t abnormal,” he said, then went on explaining how it wasn’t rare, but I wasn’t listening.

  My eyes were glued to the screen while my ears absorbed the sound of my baby’s heart beating. “Wow, ten weeks. I still can’t believe it.” Cassi squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back.

  “Everything looks real good, and right on track for now. I’ll give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins and my nurse will give you some literature to go over some of the initial questions all new parents have. You can schedule your next appointment at the front desk. Feel free to give us a call if anything comes up before then. Nice meeting you both.”

  “Can we have a picture of the baby?”

  “Two, please,” I asked, wanting one to keep in my wallet.

  “Of course!” Doctor Devon printed out then handed us two black-and-white images befor
e leading us back to the front desk. While we waited to be checked out and scheduled for the next appointment, Cassidy held her picture and prescription. My eyes filled with tears looking at the picture. It was so small, and yet, I already loved him – or her – so much. This realization made me wonder how my father could have left me all those years ago without ever looking back, and it hurt. I’ll never leave my child. Never.

  After the appointment, Cassidy wanted to go to a baby store, and I agreed. Buying the first onesie or some cute pajamas seemed as good a way as any to start celebrating the life of our baby.

  We discussed furniture with a sales representative, and looked at everything from strollers and car seats to bottles and diaper bags. My brain hurt and my wallet feared for its viability. Seemed part of our upcoming life change was that expenses were about to double, and I kept reminding myself it was time to take my job seriously. I needed to be the best real estate agent in Seattle to make myself proud, and Cassidy, too.

  We ended up buying one pair of pajamas, in neutral colors, of course. They were yellow and green with little frogs and turtles on them. Something cute for a boy or girl.

  When we walked out of the store, it was dark, but the weather was perfect. Hoodie weather, I liked to call it.

  “Do you mind if we take a walk?”

  Sometimes it felt like she could read my mind. “No, it’s perfect right now. Anywhere specific you want to go?”

  “By the water maybe?”

  I smiled. She loved the view Seattle offered on Elliot Bay. It was an area we went to at least once a week.

  We walked side by side, with my arm around her shoulder. Her loose hair danced in the soft breeze, and she laughed as she told me about her day at the studio.

  “How far into the pregnancy will you be able to dance with the troop?”

  “Damn, I have no idea, babe. My body is already getting tired faster, and Mrs. Cléroux won’t be happy with a fat ballerina.”

  “Don’t say fat. You’ll be far from fat. You’re pregnant.”