by Jude Ouvrard
“A baby? Oh, god, Kyle, I… I’m not sure what to say other than I’m sorry.”
“I failed to save her and our baby. It should have been me who got shot by that bullet.”
“Don’t say that. No death is fair, but we can’t control our destinies, babe.” She brushed her fingers on my legs. Knowing each movement caused her pain, I was flattered by her gesture, no matter how small.
“I’ll never know if we were meant to have a boy or a girl, or what color his or her hair would have been. Cassi was a redhead. This unforgettable and impossible to ignore shade of red. It made her unique.”
“I’m sure she was beautiful.”
“She was.” I kissed Tiff’s temple and squeeze her closer to my chest. “You’re beautiful, too. Every time I say it, I mean it. Know that I see you for who you are. I’m not trying to compare you to her. I love you the way you are, Tiff.”
I expected her to say something, but she didn’t. Giving her more time to digest everything I’d just shared seemed like a good idea. A respectful thing to do. I stayed quiet and waited some more.
“If we stay together and are happy…” Her words came out sounding robotic, and she hesitated. “Do– do you want kids? Or would that be a deal breaker for you?”
Good question. I hadn’t thought about it. “Until now, it never crossed my mind. Maybe, I would. I mean, I’m not opposed to the idea, but I’m not burning with the need to be a dad either. If it happens, it happens, but where you’re concerned, there is no if for me, Tiffany. I really want to be with you. I’m serious about this.”
She nodded. “Again, I’m sorry about Cassidy and the baby. I wish it were them in your arms now instead of me.”
“If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that we can’t change the past. No matter how much we miss it. With that being said, yes, I miss her, but I’m very happy to have you here with me.” I paused to kiss her again. “You bring a great deal to my life. You’ve given me a reason to live when I’ve felt dead for so long.”
“I may not show or tell you how I feel, but you mean a great deal to me, too. It’s just taking me longer to… to believe this is real.”
Tiff had all but confessed her love to me, which made me feel so happy and powerful. Her love wasn’t a game to me. She was someone worth fighting for. Giving up now wasn’t an option, unless I wanted to be the biggest loser. “I already lost one woman I loved, Tiff. I’m not ready to lose you without a fight. I’ll be patient. You’ll see for yourself, I’m not going away, dear.”
She giggled. “Why so intense, Kyle?”
“Because this is serious for me.”
She tensed for few short seconds then took one of my hands in hers. “I’m serious too, Kyle, or I wouldn’t have agreed to any of this. Staying here, the bath and all. I’m serious, trust me. I need more time to truly express how I feel. In my heart are strong feelings for you. I’m just not ready to…” she was picking each word with care. I knew what she wanted to say.
“I know, babe. Don’t worry.” A shiver ran down her body, and I had to ask, “What was done to you to make you feel so insecure?”
“I went through a rough time, too. Not as dramatic as yours, but it left scars. My first serious boyfriend was Pete, and he had a way of convincing me everything he did, he did for the right reason. Legal or not, he had the power to manipulate me and my thoughts with ease. Every time we hung out together or went on dates, he made me feel like he was so proud to be holding my hand. I’d thought we were good even though, deep down, I had doubts about his strange phone calls and mood swings.” She gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Although I knew about the drugs, I never thought he would love them more than he loved me.”
“What do you mean?”
“The last time I saw him, was the night he drove me to Essex. His hands were shaking the whole way there and he was very agitated. He kept saying how he loved me, but that he didn’t have a choice. When we got to Essex, he handed me over to a gang or club, whatever it was. Pete owed them money he couldn’t repay, so I was going to settle his debt for him. They were going to make me be a prostitute, or a sex s-s-slave.”
It was hard understanding the last word she said, as her voice broke under the pressure of her emotions. Impossible to stay away from her, I give her a heartfelt hug. After hearing her story, I needed the hug as much as her.
“I did what they asked the first night. It wasn’t anything sexual, I promise. There were other girls, too, but they were stoned out of their minds. In the middle of the night, while the men were doing things with them, I tried to escape. The doors were locked but I found a window open, and jumped down to the second floor. I had to get out of there. I ran for as long and as far as I could. Out of breath, and with no money, I came across a taxi driver who I begged to let me use his cell phone to ring my dad.”
“You’re a fighter, Tiff. A survivor. I’m so thankful for that.”
“That was the first story.”
Her admission infuriated me. “How many assholes have you met?”
“One more.” Tiff hid her face behind her hands, but I could see the hint of a smile on her face. “It’s nerve-wracking telling you this.”
“You can stop if you want.” Pushing her had never been my intention. “I don’t want you hurting because of memories either.”
“No, I need to. You’ll see that our pasts collide, a tiny bit.” Her bottom lip stuck between her teeth, she closed her eyes before taking a deep breath. “After a while of being single, I met Rob, and was in a really good place in my life. Happy and healthy, I had almost forgotten that one night in Essex. The night everything went down, I was pulling a shift at the pub where I loved working and made more money then I knew what to do with. I’d been with Rob for a long time by then. My period was late, so I took a test at work, and it came out positive. You know how it feels… I was so happy, ecstatic even, I would say. Nervous, too, but Rob and I were in a good place. Or so I’d thought.” She struggled through the last part and I held her closer to me. “I went home after taking the test because I was excited. I’d even faked an illness so my boss would give me the rest of the night off. When I got to Rob’s place, I found him in bed with another girl. Apparently, they had been seeing each other for some time. We argued, of course, and I left without telling him I was pregnant. I was heartbroken. We were together for three years. It ended with him cheating and me knocked up.”
“What happened?”
“Abortion never crossed my mind. I was going to keep it. With all the stress and emotions, however, I was a mess…” She paused, and all I heard was regret in her voice. “I lost the baby three weeks later.”
Shit. She knows how it feels; she knows exactly. “I’m sorry, beautiful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“I can’t say I forgive life for giving me something so precious and then taking it away so quickly, but I’m okay. Maybe later, when the timing is right, the fates will give me a chance to be pregnant again.”
Without a doubt. “You’re a wonderful healthy person, I’m sure you will someday.” With me, I hope.
Wait, what?
“We both have shitty pasts, K. What you had with Cassidy represented every girl’s dream, and I got the nightmare. I consider myself okay, but it left scars.”
“I understand your trust issues better now. I would never do that to you, though. I don’t want to share you or worse, lose you. You’re important to me.”
“Thank you.”
Why she thanked me, I didn’t quite understand, but I accepted it.
Kyle
Later that day, when the sun had set, the darkness of the city crept into the apartment. Tiff had fallen asleep in my arms dealing with a severe migraine. Once I’d give her some pain medication, she’d passed out soon after. Although she should have been in bed, I decided to hold onto her longer, in hopes of easing her pain.
Tiff could have been a mother, just like Cassidy.
Sometimes I wondered what would
have happened if Cassidy hadn’t died and Tiffany had shown up like she did all those months ago. I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt for both women. This was too twisted to think about. Besides, I had always been a faithful man. Cassidy died, and later I found Tiffany. That was all.
Lifting her in my arms, I walked to my bedroom and placed her on the bed. I watched her for the longest time hoping our deep conversation hadn’t been the cause of her migraine. It had taken a lot from her to tell me her story. Her previous relationships had been fucking disastrous. Both our inner pain came from two different situations, but now we’d connected and we understood each other more.
Her athletic body laid at ease on my bed, her dark hair twisted above her head revealing a small heart tattooed behind her ear. Her perfect face seemed so at peace, it inspired me. One thing about Tiff was certain, she appealed to me in every sense.
Leaving her to rest, I went to my small office and started drawing her face and hair surrounded by flowers and a small angel. Like a slap in the face, it hit me—I’m pussy whipped.
Levi would have so much fun throwing it in my face, too, but I didn’t care.
I’m in love with Tiffany.
No, I was more than in love. I was madly in love with her, and couldn’t bear the thought of her moving back to her place. I’d told her as much before, but was now desperate that she wouldn’t. Her place was here with me. My bedroom alone was bigger than her studio. So, unless size mattered to her, the one reason for her to decline would be me, and I wouldn’t let that happen. I wanted to care for her more than anything else.
When my eyes became too tired to draw, it was time to head to bed. I took my place next to Tiff and whispered sweet words in her ear, “I love you, beautiful. So much.”
It was almost incoherent, but she murmured back, “I love you, too,”
Of course, she had to say it the first time while asleep. I sighed, but couldn’t stop smiling. Wrapping my arms around her, I brought her closer to me while pampering her with soft kisses.
“I love you, Kyle,” she repeated more clearly this time.
“Are you awake, Tiff?”
She never answered my question, which made me giggle. What else could I do? At least, her subconscious loved me.
For the second night in a row, I fell asleep holding her in my arms. Since my life had been turned upside down with Cassidy’s death, I’d not slept well. Tiffany was the remedy to the years of nightmares. They had diminished a lot and I was beginning to feel more rested.
It turned out they were better, but not gone.
Cassidy appeared in my dreams in flashes. Her arabesque, her pointe feet, a wave of red hair. So beautiful, I thought. She danced with ease and passion, and I watched her in complete awe. As the dream went on, Cassi’s hair darkened and her dancing body morphed into Tiff’s, her eyes never leaving mine. She smiled, laughed, and sang to the music playing in the background. I blew her kisses, and she returned every one of them. The first word she spoke came out as Cassidy’s voice, which felt wrong, so I stepped back. Tiff looked at me then, question marks in her eyes as a gunshot rang out and everything around me became dark. I tried running away from the darkness, but couldn’t. It had made me its prisoner. My inner strength was nothing against the dark cloud surrounding me. I called out Tiffany’s name.
Shaking off the dream and turning over to reach for Tiffany, I was startled awake when my hand found an empty spot. “Tiff?” I tried to call, but my voice wouldn’t work. “Tiffany?” I tried again jumping out of bed, scared as my heart pounded in my chest.
Did she leave again? Please, no.
The dream had messed with my mind, so I couldn’t think straight. All I wanted was to find Tiffany and hear her voice, but I was getting nothing. Moving to the living room, I then checked the kitchen, but she wasn’t there. She wasn’t in my bathroom either. My office maybe?
“Tiffany?” I yelled, praying she would answer me.
I’d checked every room in the apartment but the main bathroom, which I almost never used. When I opened the door, she was in the tub with her eyes closed and earphones in her ears.
Thank god she’s still here, I thought as I kneeled beside her, almost crying while thanking God.
When I touched her shoulder, her eyes popped open and she looked surprised to see me. Staring at her without blinking, I took in her beauty, the reddish shade of her lips, and the astonishing coloring of her eyes.
“Kyle, what’s wrong? You don’t look well.” Tiffany started to turn to the side, so she could face me, but winced at her body’s restriction.
“Don’t move, babe. I–I thought you were gone again. I called your name and you didn’t answer. What are you doing?”
A light blush covered her cheeks. “You looked so tired yesterday, so I decided to let you sleep in. I didn’t want to wake you up by using your bathroom, so I came down here. I’m feeling a little better today.”
I moved closer to her needing to kiss or touch her… anything to believe this was real. She stayed.
“I was thinking, while I relax in the tub and take it easy, why don’t you go for a run?” Tiff suggested then studied my face. “You like running, don’t you?”
“I do. I think it’s a good idea.” Fuck. I’d almost had a panic attack at the thought of being alone again. At the thought of living here without her. She’d only been here for two days, how could my mind get fucked up that fast?
“Go on, babe. I’ll stay here, don’t worry.”
I nodded, then kissed her again. I took more time, needed to feel her love—the longer we kissed, the more my fucked up mind calmed down. She’d told me she loved me last night. That had to mean something, even if it was said in her sleep.
“I’ll bring back breakfast. Or lunch? I’m not sure what time it is.” Yanking my fingers through my hair, I stood there in disbelief. I had no idea what time it was. I’d been shaken by my dream and the idea of losing Tiff.
“Kyle, we’re okay. Go, it looks like you need to blow off some steam. I’ll be here when you return.”
“I love you,” I told her, breathless, and my chest constricted.
In a hurry to get some fresh hair, I geared up in a pair of shorts and my hoodie, and then went outside as fast as I could. Breathing in and out in hopes of getting rid of the panic building inside of me, I started running, but it didn’t ease the anxiety. Val. I had to talk to her. She’d seen me at my lowest before and we kind of clicked. I dialed her number and set my course, running toward her apartment.
“Hello.”
“Val, can you meet me in five minutes at your place?” I’d slowed my pace when she answered.
“Um, yeah, sure, I’ll be here.”
“Thanks.” I hung up and kept on running, even though her tone hadn’t elicited feelings of confidence that she wanted to meet me.
I spotted her waiting outside by the shop. Since she had agreed to rent the apartment above the shop, I’d made a habit of dropping by. A lot of my past still resided inside that apartment.
“Hey, Val. I really need to talk to you.”
She grabbed me by the elbow. “What happened? Did something— is Tiffany okay?”
I dried my face with my sleeve, wiping away the sweat on my forehead. “I think I’m going crazy, Val.” It was impossible to control the emotion in my voice and face.
“Come on upstairs. We’ve got a lot of talking to do.”
I gave her a summary of the last forty-eight hours of my life, with emphasis on this morning’s nightmare and my fear of waking up without Tiff. Val listened and didn’t judge. It drained all my energy to admit how fucked up I was.
“Kyle, we both know that losing Cassidy left you with scars and an unfinished story. As your friend, I’m going to say that maybe it’s time you talk to a professional.”
I hated the idea of discussing my life with a stranger. “I don’t know. Talking to you helps, Val. It’s enough for me.”
“I can listen and give you advice, but I’
m not a professional. I can’t help you face your demons the way a trained person could.” She had a point, as usual, but her advice had always been enough to help me in the past.
“It’s cool with me.”
“So, you and Tiff… What’s going on now?”
If only I knew. Val offered me a glass of water, which I drank in its entirety before answering.
“I told her I loved her. I didn’t want to move so fast, but the accident changed everything. I can’t go back to being away from her most of the time. I lost someone I loved before, so this is no longer an option.”
“Did she tell you how she feels?”
“A little. She kisses me like she loves me, but hasn’t spoken the words to me. Consciously, anyway. I’m cool with it, though, I get it. She’s been through a lot of shit, too. We talked about it and I feel bad for her. She lost a baby, Val. We have so much in common. I know she’s it for me.”
“But?”
“But I feel like I’m going to suffocate her with my fear of losing her.”
Val scooted closer to me and gave me a much-needed hug. “You’ve been so nice to me when I needed a friend. Kyle, the only thing you need to do now is talk to her.” She let go of me. “Be honest with how you feel and your fears. Tiff is a pretty cool girl, she’ll understand.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to scare her away, but I understand. I need to talk to her.” The idea of a serious discussion scared the living shit out of me.
We said our goodbyes, and I went back to my place after grabbing something to eat for Tiff and me. My mind had cleared enough to think calmly, but I still worried about the power of my feelings for her.
My heart had been broken for so long I’d been unable to love, and I’d dealt with it fine. Now, the opposite problem had presented itself, and my control had been lost.
Kyle
I had been running every morning since Tiff told me I needed to get out and get some fresh air, but it never occurred to me that she might want to get some of that fresh air, too. Until today.