The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  She leaned further toward me, offering me her hand. “I’m Sasha, by the way.”

  I closed the distance between us and returned her handshake. “Ari.”

  She shook it firmly. “So?” She tilted her head toward the gym. “Are you coming in, or what?”

  “Ah…honestly, I don’t think so.”

  Her mouthed turned down just a fraction. She stepped outside, letting the door swing closed behind her, and leaned against the wall next to me. “But you auditioned yesterday, and you’re back today – so that means you made it.”

  “I know.” I knew I wasn’t giving her much to go on – small talk had never been my strong suit.

  Sasha fished a pack of cigarettes from her sports bra, and a second later pulled out a lighter. “Listen,” she said, balancing the cigarette between her lips, “I know I don’t know you – and you can just tell me to shove it….” She lit the cigarette. “But I don’t understand.” She took a drag. “Something brought you here, right?”

  I fought the urge to wave the smoke out of my face. “I kind of came here on a whim. Besides, the guy I’m supposed to be performing with doesn’t seem to want me here.”

  Her lips quirked and I saw the lines around her eyes crinkle. “You’re the new target girl, aren’t you?” I was instantly curious to know what she’d heard about me. Had Gabriel said something? She took another drag of the cigarette. “You said you came here on a whim? A little impulsive, no?”

  I shrugged. Nodded.

  “Then it sounds like you fit in here better than you might think.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Everyone’s here for a different reason, but there’s one thing we all have in common…. We’re all here to escape from our lives, from boring jobs, from psycho exes….” She turned to me and winked at this last one.

  “It’s nice of you to come out here and talk to me, but I just don’t think this is for me.”

  “So you’re just going to call it quits before you’ve even tried it? Just to avoid the possibility of doing something wrong, or making a mistake?”

  My mouth snapped shut.

  “Well, what do I know? You would know best. At least you gave it a good go, right?” Her grin dared me to disagree. She dropped her cigarette to the pavement and stamped it out with a black dance shoe, then turned and disappeared back inside.

  I heard a wave of laughter from inside before the door swung shut, blocking out the sound. Walking in there would feel the same as walking into my first class at the ballet company filled with snooty performers. I released a sigh and hiked up my yoga pants. I pulled open the door – which a few minutes ago seemed so heavy I could hardly open it – and this time it flew toward me like it was made of air.

  Despite my fears, no one stopped to point. There were no whispers or laughing directed my way. In fact, no one noticed me at all.

  Sasha, the girl who’d joined me outside, caught my eye from across the room. She looked to Gabriel and nodded her head toward me. A few seconds later, he was crossing the room to where I stood, but his indifferent expression conveyed this was anything but his idea.

  Now that he wasn’t holding his knives, I felt like I was looking at him for the first time. He had the whole sexy, brooding-and-misunderstood look down to a science. His dark hair was disheveled and though everyone else was in workout clothes, he wore jeans and a faded t-shirt with a logo for a band I’d never heard of. Tattoos crept from under his sleeves and decorated much of his arms. But once again, the feature that stood out most was his sky-blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.

  “Hey.” Gabriel stopped and stood in front of me. He stood so close I realized he was taller than I’d thought – at least a foot taller than me – and I resisted the urge to take a step back from him. “I wanted to introduce myself, since we’ll be working together. I’m Gabriel,” he said.

  My eyes wandered the length of his body, but I willed them to obey and not linger any lower than his belt buckle. “I’m Ari,” I said, meeting his eyes again.

  I thought maybe he’d reassure me about working with him, like tell me how long he’d been doing his act, or that he’d never hurt anyone before, or at least give me a few pointers on what to expect or how to make sure I didn’t get hit, but he was completely silent while he studied me. His quiet observation of me made my heart trip over itself in my chest.

  Without another word, he nodded and walked away, leaving me staring at his back. He sat down on the floor across the gym, leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

  I must have stood there longer than I realized because a solidly built guy approached me next and placed his hand on the small of my back. “You’re new,” he said in a Russian accent. “Come, I’ll show you around.”

  I let him lead me away instead of standing there stupidly staring at Gabriel.

  “Dmitri Ivanoff.” He extended his hand.

  “I’m Ari.”

  “You’ll probably want to stay away from that guy.” Dmitri nodded in Gabriel’s direction.

  I met his eyes. “Gabriel?” I was scared to ask why. “That’ll be difficult. Del has me working with him.”

  Dmitri stopped abruptly. “You’d have more fun with me.” He wore a mischievous grin. He was cute, with shiny brown hair, and while he was shorter than Gabriel, he was much more muscular.

  “What do you do here?” I asked, ignoring his innuendo.

  “Come watch.” He led me over to where people were doing aerial tricks. This was the main attraction, the one for which the show was named. A huge net was stretched across the space, at least fifteen feet off the ground. Dmitri stepped onto a ladder that led to a platform about fifty feet in the air. “You want to come up?” He stopped on the ladder to look at me.

  “I think I’ll watch from down here.”

  He was up the ladder faster than I’d have thought possible, and stepped to the edge of something like a diving board. He grasped the handle of a swing and glided through the air, arcing out in front of me. I stood with my neck tilted back in awe.

  He gained momentum and completed a front flip before landing flat on his back in the center of the net. He turned and rolled off it, landing on his feet.

  “What’d you think?” he asked.

  I thought his accent was sexy, but didn’t want to tell him that. “Nice,” I said. “That does look like more fun than getting knives thrown at me.”

  “I’ll introduce you around. Come on.” I followed him over to a group of performers. There were people stretching on the ground and others standing around talking. “Who are you rooming with?”

  “Um, trailer five. That’s all I know.” That much was in the paperwork Marta had given me, but it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have a roommate. I hadn’t shared a room with someone, since well…ever.

  “That’s interesting. You’re with Sasha.” He smiled. I didn’t know what he found interesting, but something about Sasha and I together amused him. “I’ll introduce you.”

  He led me over to the red-headed girl who’d spoken to me outside. She smiled at me and I wondered if she’d known we were roommates the entire time. She turned to Dmitri with a look of disgust. “Leave it to Dmitri. Already after the fresh meat.”

  “I just wanted to introduce your new roommate.” He grinned.

  “Hi again.”

  Sasha did not look happy. She looked pointedly from Dmitri then back to me. “Are you sure you’re ready for all this?”

  “Yeah. I am.” My voice sounded more confident than I felt, but regardless, I’d made up my mind. I was staying. “Nice meeting you, Dmitri.”

  He flashed me his brilliant white smile. “If you ever want me to show you around – just ask.” He turned to leave, and then glanced back once more. “And I’d steer clear of Gabriel if I were you,” he warned.

  As Dmitri walked away, a blond guy in his twenties, wearing pressed khakis and loafers without socks, walked over to us. “Oh, hells no…. He’s going to be on her lik
e a fat kid on a cupcake, isn’t he?”

  “Ari, meet Tanner – the show’s makeup artist.” Sasha gestured to him. A slow grin was spreading across his face. “You’ll quickly learn he doesn’t have a filter, so I hope for your sake you’re not easily offended.”

  “I, um… no. It’s fine.” I still didn’t know what to make of his comment. Male attention wasn’t something I was used to. The selection of straight guys in ballet school was limited, as was my experience with them.

  “Oh, honey.” He smushed my face between his hands. “These cheekbones, these pouty lips…. We’re gonna make you a star.” He released my face and I made a point of straightening my jaw. He turned, asking Sasha, “What’s her act?”

  She clapped a hand on my shoulder. “She’s slated to be Gabriel’s next victim.” Her eyes were smiling, but her face was serious. I couldn’t even begin to guess at the meaning lacing her words, but Tanner didn’t seem concerned.

  “Ah, speak of the devil,” he said.

  Gabriel appeared next to me. I stepped back to give him more space.

  “Be careful with this one,” Tanner said looking at Gabriel. “She looks like a doll and I really want to make her up.”

  It suddenly felt like I was missing a vital piece of information. Why was the target girl job open?

  “He’s kidding,” Sasha threw in, reading my worried look. “You’ll be fine.”

  I let out an uneasy laugh. “Should we practice together?” I asked Gabriel.

  He shrugged. “If you want to.”

  I followed him across the gym. He led me to his target and stopped beside it.

  “So how does this work?” I ran my finger along the handle of a knife protruding from the target. “I always thought they were fake knives that popped up from behind the target.”

  “Um, no.” He pulled the knives free. “Do you want to see?”

  My only experience with his act – our act – was comprised of the brief moments during tryouts. Even though I didn’t want to get in front of the target again, I did want to see him perform.

  He sensed my hesitation. “You can just watch this time.”

  I nodded and walked back from the target with him. He shifted his feet apart and gripped the knife by its blade between his thumb and forefinger. He lifted it overhead and swung his arm down, releasing a breath the same moment it left his fingers. The blade whistled sharply through the air and struck the target dead center – right where I would have stood. My stomach jumped to my throat and stayed there.

  Before either of us had a chance to comment on what just happened, I heard my name being called in a Russian accent. Dmitri approached us from his trapeze.

  “This doesn’t look like the safest activity,” he said once he was closer. “We could go get you warmed up on the trampoline,” he said, smiling at me again.

  Gabriel stiffened next to me. Why were they staring at each other like two hungry pit bulls? I felt like a trunk of new tutus that everyone was clamoring for. It was bizarre to be the focal point of their attention.

  Gabriel turned toward me. “If you’re worried about how to fit in here – hanging around me isn’t the way to do it.”

  I was mesmerized by Gabriel’s sky-blue eyes, and the intense vibe he gave off. My entire body hummed to attention when he was near. But his reaction obviously didn’t match mine at all. He was practically handing me over to Dmitri.

  Dmitri’s hand on the small of my back guided me away before I had the chance to decide between them. But a sharp whistle quieted the room and we followed the others into a circle around Del. I found Sasha and went to stand by her, not wanting to pick sides between the guys.

  “Welcome back!” Del’s voice boomed. “Our fifteenth season is going to be our best yet. We have some new members of the team to introduce today.”

  My cheeks threatened to turn pink in preemptive embarrassment. He introduced the couple from the hand-balancing team – Nikola and Ana, from Croatia. Del turned his head, looking around at the crowd spread around him. “Where’s my little ballerina?”

  I knew then they were going to know I didn’t belong here. That I had no business among these people.

  “Ah! Ariel.” He’d spotted me.

  “Ari,” I managed.

  “She’ll be working with Gabriel,” he added, pleased with himself. The scowls on the faces around me at the mention of Gabriel’s name told me he was an outcast. I fought the urge to look for his face in the crowd, and instead became fascinated by the floor in front of my feet.

  Del went through some announcements and a few more introductions of the newly hired staff – there were lighting techs and production assistants who were also new. When he started going through the list of tour cities, my ears perked up. We would start with Toronto in two weeks, and then move on to Chicago, Minneapolis, and Fargo before heading out west, where the list of cities grew longer. Anticipation at escaping my former life bubbled up inside me, threatening to overflow. But the other half of me was terrified of the unknown. What was I getting myself into? Could I really pull off lying to my parents while they were away? Dmitri and Gabriel’s attention was already flustering me…and oh, and there was that little detail of surviving my act.

  Chapter 3

  In the two weeks that led up to our opening show in Toronto, I gained a little more confidence about my decision. And as it neared time to begin our summer tour, I packed and got my apartment ready for my time away. Luckily when I graduated school a few weeks earlier, I’d talked my parents into letting go of the nanny they’d hired to check on me several times a week while I completed high school in the city. And of course I didn’t breathe a word of all this cirque business to anyone. It sounded strange even admitting it to myself.

  As I boarded the huge tour bus for the nine-hour drive to Toronto, I started to believe I could actually pull off this summer of freedom. If I continued the weekly phone calls to my parents while they were away, maybe this would work. They’d never suspect me of stepping out of line. In fact, my mom had actually been encouraging a level of independence recently, even asked me if I was seeing anyone. I doubted my old dance instructor would call my mother…. One, because he despised her, and two since I was no longer a student there – I’d been an employee when they let me go.

  The Aerial Mystique show traveled toward Toronto with a fleet of thirty-two vehicles – twenty-five RVs, five semis, and two tour buses. I felt like a celebrity, only our bus was pretty old and the drive was pretty boring. Sasha and Tanner sat with me in a booth. We urged Gabriel to join us so we could play cards, but he preferred to listen to music, read, or just stare blankly out the window.

  Gabriel was like no other guy I’d been around before. With his tattoos and bad-boy image, the way his hair looked like he’d fought with his clothes, and the fact he didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought of him was intimidating and sexy all at the same time.

  The more I tried not to think about him, the more I found myself focusing on him. I stole a glance in his direction. His eyes were closed, his head tipped back against the window and he had his earbuds in. I didn’t know if he was asleep, or just trying to ignore me, but the effect was the same. It was clear I barely made his radar, yet I was always tuned in to where he was, what he was doing. With his eyes still closed, he stretched his legs out across the aisle, forcing his feet over toward mine, blocking me in my seat. I rolled my eyes and turned to Sasha, hoping a conversation would distract me.

  I learned how Sasha came to be in a traveling circus. She had what she called wanderlust – the inclination to travel. She was twenty-two, which surprised me. She seemed closer to my age. She filled me in on the background of some of the performers. She said a lot of them were running from something in their lives. Trixie, a belly dancer, had left an abusive husband behind in Kansas City. Others had skipped town to avoid debt collectors or old criminal charges. The idea of selling everything you owned and having no address appealed to people with baggage, she said. I was
most curious about Gabriel, but she conveniently left him out.

  “We’re just a bunch of gypsies. And now you’re one of us.” She patted the top of my hand and smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes.

  ***

  When we arrived in Toronto all the semis were parked and unloaded, the big top was pulled taut toward the sky and Sasha and I moved into our trailer. I thought about my spacious apartment as I took in the two twin beds, two dressers…. There wasn’t much room for anything else. I couldn’t imagine living in the tiny trailer for three whole months, but I pushed that from my mind. I was here to explore, to try something entirely different. And so far, this was as different from ballet school as I could get.

  The following day we were to have a dress rehearsal. I headed to the cafeteria for breakfast with Sasha, where I learned we were encouraged to actually eat breakfast. But old habits die hard and I opted for my usual breakfast of plain non-fat yogurt though I was tempted to take a banana. The only person pickier than me seemed to be Gabriel. I’d yet to actually see him eat any food. He sat off by himself, and picked at a bagel with long, graceful fingers, as if he were lost in his thoughts. He downed cups of coffee and flipped through a tattered book. Not that I spent much time noticing, but if he were going to be throwing sharp weapons at me I preferred to have him properly fueled and alert.

  After breakfast, still dressed in the pair of shorts and the tank top I’d slept in, I ventured into the gym. It was alive with energy. Performers were perfecting their acts, trying new moves and pushing themselves farther. I sank down to the floor in the corner of the room to watch. Hearing the trainers call out instructions to the flyers on the trapeze reminded me of my own trainers in ballet school. My days were starting to feel empty without the structure of dance and the endless practices. Yes. Watching the performers sparked a wanting in me.

  When I looked up I saw Gabriel walking past the open doors of the gym. I hurried out after him. “Hey,” I called to his back.