to Love Again (1981)

by Steel, Danielle

  May I join you tonight?

  She answered quickly. Sure.

  They waited until he had finished his drink and Natasha had left for the evening before they went out. They covered her usual route and a bit more, jogging part of the way and strolling the rest of the way home. She always felt better once she'd done that. As though her body were crying out for exercise and fresh air. It still wasn't enough, but it was better than nothing.

  Now I know how those poor little dogs feel, locked up in apartments all day.

  I feel that way in my office sometimes.

  Yes. She looked at him reproachfully. But you can get out.

  He seemed to be thinking about something then as they returned to the apartment, but the boys set upon them quickly, in their pajamas now, with freshly washed hair, and the moment was lost. Isabella watched him with them for half an hour as they wrestled and played. Corbett seemed to be having a good time. He had a lovely way with children, as he did with everyone. But it pleased her to see the children with him. He was their only man. Hattie finally arrived on the scene though and despite frantic protests took them both off to bed.

  Do you want to stay for dinner?

  I'd love it.

  In the kitchen they ate a cozy dinner that Hattie had left for them to serve themselves fried chicken and corn on the cob and dripped butter over their plates. After dinner they wandered to the back of the house and settled down in Natasha's pleasant little den. Isabella put on some music, and Corbett comfortably stretched his long legs.

  I'm awfully glad I went to that benefit last week. Do you know I almost didn't go?

  Why not?

  I thought I'd be bored. He laughed at the thought of it, and Isabella did too.

  Were you?

  Hardly. And not for an instant since then.

  Neither have I. She smiled at him easily and was surprised when he took her hand.

  I'm glad. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

  I wish I could change all that. But he couldn't, and he knew it. Not yet.

  Life isn't easy sometimes, but as you said, we always survive.

  Some do, some don't. But you're a survivor. So am I.

  She nodded, agreeing. I think my grandfather taught me that. No matter what happened, what went wrong, he picked himself up and did something better immediately afterwards. Sometimes it took him a little time to catch his breath, but he always managed to do something spectacular. I admire that.

  You're a great deal like him, he said, and she smiled her thanks. Why did he finally sell the business?

  He was eighty-three and tired and old. My grandmother was dead, and my mother had no interest in the business. I was the only one left. And I was too young. I couldn't have run Parel then. Though I could now. Sometimes I dream of buying it back and merging it with San Gregorio.

  Why haven't you?

  Amadeo and Bernardo always insisted that it didn't make sense.

  Does it? To you?

  Maybe. I haven't totally ruled it out.

  Then maybe one day you'll buy it.

  Maybe. One thing's for sure: I'll never sell out what I have. She was referring to San Gregorio.

  Was there a question of that? He looked away as he asked her.

  Not for me. Never. But my director, Bernardo Franco, keeps trying to push in that direction. He's a bloody fool. I'll never sell.

  Corbett nodded knowingly. I don't think you should.

  One day the business will belong to Alessandro. I owe him that. Again Corbett nodded, and the conversation turned to other things music and travel, the places they had lived as children, and why Corbett had never had a child.

  I was afraid I wouldn't have time for one.

  And your wife?

  I'm not really sure she was the type. In any case she agreed with me, and we never had one, and now it's a little too late.

  At forty-two? Don't be absurd. In Italy men much older than you have children all the time.

  Then I'll run out and have one immediately. What do I do? Put an ad in the paper?

  Isabella smiled at him from the opposite end of the tiny couch. I shouldn't think you'd have to do anything as drastic as that.

  He smiled softly. Maybe not. And then, not even knowing how it happened, she saw him draw closer, put his hands on her shoulders. She felt herself drift into his arms. The music was playing in the distance and there was a pounding in her ears as Corbett kissed her and she clung to him as to a life raft in a heavy surf. He kissed her gently and she felt it deeply as she sensed her whole body reach out for him until she pulled away with a little lurch.

  Corbett! No! She startled herself but was quickly comforted by the look in his eyes. It was a look of gentle loving from a man she trusted, with whom she felt totally safe. How did that happen? Her eyes were misted with tears of confusion and, perhaps, a touch of joy.

  Well, let's see, I slid along the couch here, then I put my hand here' . He was laughing at her kindly, and she couldn't do anything but laugh too.

  That was terrible, you shouldn't do that, Amadeo Suddenly she stopped. There was no Amadeo. Quick tears rose to her eyes. But he took her back in his arms and held her close to him as she cried.

  No, Isabella, don't. Don't look behind you, darling. Think of what I told you: The pain won't go on forever. This is very, very new.

  But he was grateful as he held her that Amadeo had been gone for almost eight months. It was long enough for her to be ready, to at least consider someone else.

  But I shouldn't, Corbett. She pulled away from him slowly. I can't.

  Why not? If it's not something you want too, then we won't even talk about it again.

  It's not that, I like you' .

  Is it top soon? We'll go slowly. I promise. I don't want you to be unhappy, not ever again.

  She smiled at him gently then. That's a lovely dream. Nothing is forever, remember? Nothing good, and nothing bad.

  No, but some things are for a very long time. I would very much like that with you.

  Without knowing why she said it, she found herself saying, So would I.

  He smiled at her then. They drank brandy, listened to the music, and sat on the floor like children. It was easy to be with him, and she was happy, happier still when he kissed her again. This time she didn't argue, and she didn't want him to stop. Finally he glanced at his watch, looked at her warmly, and stood up.

  I think, my darling, it's time for me to go home.

  So early? It can't be more than ten o'clock.

  He shook his head. It's almost one thirty, and if I don't get out of here now, I'm going to attack you.

  Rape? She said it with amusement. She was back in control.

  We could start with that. It has a nice ring, don't you think? His blue eyes were twinkling wickedly, and she laughed.

  You're impossible.

  Maybe, but I'm mad about you. He reached a hand out to her and pulled her up. Do you know that, Isabella? I haven't felt like this for years.

  And before that? She was still playing. She was so happy suddenly that she wanted to fly.

  Oh, before that I fell in love with a girl named Tillie Erzbaum. She was fourteen and had a fabulous chest.

  How old were you?

  He considered it thoughtfully. Nine and a half.

  Then you're forgiven.

  Thank God.

  They walked slowly to the door and he kissed her again as they said good night.

  I'll call you tomorrow. She smiled at him happily. And what about our walk? May I join you tomorrow?

  I think that might be arranged.

  When she woke up the next morning, she was horrified at what she'd done. She was a widow. In her heart she was still a married woman. What was she doing kissing him all night on the den floor? Her heart pounded each time she thought of it, and she felt sorrow mixed with unfamiliar guilt. When he called her, she hid in her office and told Natasha in a brusque voice through the door that she was too busy to take calls f
rom anyone, even him. But it wasn't his fault, she reasoned, as she tried fruitlessly to lose herself in her work. It wasn't his fault at all. She had been as eager as he for those kisses, as surprised as he at her responses, and much more so at what she felt stirring deep in her soul. But Amadeo ' Amadeo. ' It was true then. Amadeo was not coming back again.

  Where are you going? Natasha looked at her in surprise as she hurried toward the front door.

  I'm going for my walk early. I have too much work to do tonight She glanced nervously at Natasha, and her voice was sharp.

  All right. You don't have to get so uptight about it. I just asked.

  She was back at five o'clock, but still shaken, still nervous, still shocked at what she'd done. Then, suddenly, as she came up in the elevator she realized that she was being a fool. She was a grown woman, she was lonely, and he was a very attractive man. So she had kissed him. So what? But when she opened the door to the apartment, she jumped when she saw him standing in the middle of the room. As usual the children were playing around his legs, and Natasha was sprawled out on the couch, surrounded by books and papers, trying to chat with Corbett in spite of the din.

  Hi, Isabella. How was your walk? Natasha called out.

  Fine.

  I hope it did something for you. You were in one rotten mood when you left.

  She nodded, and Corbett grinned. But there was nothing too familiar, nothing possessive or uncomfortable about the look in his eyes.

  Did you have a rough day?

  She nodded again, trying to smile at him, and she relaxed a little at the continued look of comfortable friendship in his eyes. Maybe she had made too much of it. Maybe he wouldn't pursue it after all. It had been the brandy, the music, but it could still be forgotten; it wasn't too late. And then she found herself smiling and sprawled like Natasha in a chair. Natasha was yelling for Hattie while the boys and Corbett played. Hattie appeared a moment later, and Natasha waved the boys away.

  Jesus, I love them, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

  Corbett relaxed in a chair, let out a sigh, and grinned. Don't you two ever play rough with them? They've got more energy than brand-new box springs.

  We read them stories. Natasha looked at him in amusement. And play games.

  Then buy them a punching bag or something. No, come to think of it, I guess they don't need one. They have me. His eyes met Isabella's, this time with a more pointed look. You already went for your walk?

  She nodded. Yes.

  Okay. Then show me what you did in your office today. You promised yesterday, remember? And before she could object, he had taken her hand and pulled her to her feet. Not wanting to make a scene in front of Natasha, she walked quickly to her office. Corbett closed the door.

  Corbett, I

  Wait a minute before you say anything. Please. He sat down in a chair and looked at her kindly. Why don't you sit down?

  She did so, like an obedient schoolgirl, relieved only that he hadn't swept her expectantly into his arms.

  Before you tell me what you're thinking, he went on, let me tell you what I already know. I've been through this. I know what it's like. And it's awful, so at least let me share what I learned. If I'm not entirely crazy, I left here last night and you were as happy as I was. But sometime maybe last night, maybe thus morning, maybe not even till tonight, though I doubt that you started thinking. About your husband, about what used to be, about still being married. You felt guilty, frightened, crazy.

  Isabella stared at him in amazement, not saying a word, but her eyes very wide.

  You couldn't even understand why you'd done it, you could barely remember who I was. But let me tell you, darling, that's natural. It's something you have to go through. You can't run away from it now. You're lonely, you're human, you didn't do anything terrible or wrong. And if you had been the one who'd been kidnapped, your husband would be going through exactly the same thing right now. It takes about this long to feel again, to thaw out, and then you've got all the same feelings you've ever had before and no one to share them with. But now you've got me. You can either try it, very, very slowly, or you can run like hell and hide in your guilt and your feelings of still being married for the rest of your life. That's not an ultimatum. You may just not want me. I may not be the right one. If that's what you're thinking, I'll understand it. But don't run away from what you feel, Isabella' You can't go back. He stopped then, almost breathless, and Isabella looked at him, stunned.

  But how did you know?

  I went through it. And the first time I kissed a woman I felt as though I had defiled Beth's memory, as though I had betrayed her. I was torn apart. But the difference was that I didn't give a damn about that woman. I was just lonely and horny and tired and sad. I care about you, though. I love you. And I hope to hell you can care about me.

  How do you understand everything like that? She looked at him in amazement from across the room. And he smiled at her, lovingly, easily, straight from the heart.

  I'm just very smart.

  Ah, and humble! She was suddenly smiling again, and enjoying teasing him.

  In that case, we happen to be evenly matched. Is that why you went out walking without me?

  I wanted to run away from you. To have finished my walk before you got here.

  That was smart. But he didn't look hurt by it, nor did he look amused. He simply understood.

  I'm sorry.

  Don't be. Do you want me to leave now? It's all right, Isabella, I'll understand.

  But she shook her head and held out her hand. He walked to her and took it, looking down into the bottomless black eyes.

  I don't want you to go. I feel stupid now. Maybe I was wrong. She clung to him as the children did, and gently he took her hands and knelt beside her, holding them in his own.

  I told you we'd go slowly. I'm not in a rush.

  I'm glad. And with that she put her arms softly around his neck and hugged him, childlike. They held each other that way for what seemed like a very long time, and this time it was Isabella who moved her hand slowly, touched his chin and his eyes and his lean, handsome face. It was she who took the first step this time and whose lips sought his, gently at first then hungrily. And it was she who trembled when they stopped.

  Take it easy, darling.

  But she was smiling again. What was it you said about rape?

  If you rape me, I'll punch you. He looked like offended virtue itself as she laughed. Then he was smiling again. Want to go for a drive? He looked hopeful, but he didn't want to push.

  You brought the car?

  No, I was planning to steal one. Of course I did. Why?

  Then I'd love it. She paused. What will we tell Natasha?

  That we're going out for a drive. Is that so wrong?

  She looked at him sheepishly. I still feel guilty.

  But he smiled gently at her. Don't worry about it. Sometimes so do I.

  They bid Natasha a casual au revoir and went out for a drive, down to Wall Street, to the Cloisters, and then through the park. Settled against the plush upholstery, sitting close to him, she felt protected from the world.

  I don't know what happened to me today, she said.

  Don't worry about it, Isabella. It's all right.

  I suppose so. Do you suppose I'll ever be sane again? She looked at him, smiling, half in jest, half in truth.

  I hope not. I like you like this.

  She smiled at him tenderly. I like you too.

  But Isabella knew that she more than liked him two weeks later when Natasha was away for the weekend with the boys.

  You mean they just left you? He looked infinitely sorry for her when he came by on Saturday afternoon for tea. He had planned to sit with her for a few hours and maybe go for a walk, and he had been hoping that perhaps Natasha was going out. He enjoyed his time alone with Isabella, but it was even more precious to him because it was so rare. They were always surrounded by children, or Natasha, or even Hattie, the maid. Where did they go?
<
br />   Isabella smiled in amusement as she handed him a cup of Earl Grey. Just to some friends of Natasha's in Connecticut. It'll do the boys good.

  He nodded slowly, but it wasn't the boys he was thinking of as gently he reached for her hand. Do you realize how quiet it is here, and how seldom we're alone?

  She sat there thinking, and slowly her mind drifted back to Rome. She had had so much space in her home there, so much room to herself, so many hours of her own time. I wish you had known me then. She said it dreamily as he watched her eyes.

  When, Isabella?

  In Italy' . She said it softly and then looked up at him with a soft blush. But that doesn't make any sense, does it? In Italy, in the good days, she had been married. Corbett would have had no place in her life.

  But he understood what she was thinking. It was normal that now and then she should long for her home. Do you have a wonderful house there?

  She smiled and nodded, and then told him about Alessandro's Christmas carousel as her eyes danced. She looked so lovely as she told him that he put down his cup and took her in his arms.

  I wish I could take you back there ' take you home, if that's what you want. And then he spoke very softly. But maybe one day home will be here? But she didn't really think so; she couldn't imagine spending the rest of her life anywhere except Rome. Do you miss it awfully?

  She shrugged and smiled. Italy is ' just Italy. There's nothing like it anywhere in the world. Crazy people, crazy traffic, good spaghetti, wonderful smells' . As she said it she found herself thinking of the narrow back streets not far from San Gregorio, of women nursing babies in doorways and children running out of church, of the birds singing in the treetops in her garden ' just thinking of it brought tears to her eyes.

  And as he watched her Corbett felt sympathy for her tear at his heart. Do you want to go out for dinner tonight, my love? It was the first time he had called her that and she smiled, but slowly she shook her head.

  You know I can't.

  But he thought for a moment. Perhaps you can.

  Are you serious?

  Why not? His eyes danced with mischief now. He had a plan. There's a funny little Italian restaurant I used to go to, way downtown. No one respectable' ever goes there. He grinned. We could probably dash in for a quick dinner, and no one would have any idea who you were. And it's so Italian that it's bound to feel like home. For a moment he wondered if that would make things worse, but he had a feeling that wouldn't be the case, and he was going to see to it that she had a marvelous time.