The Truth About Falling

by H. M. Sholander

  His eyes shine as he looks down on me. “I’m glad it worked out.”

  It seems like it’s the only thing in my life that has worked out.

  “How are you and Chris?” I ask, wanting to know if the little boy I fell in love with is doing okay.

  “We’re doing good.” He scratches the side of his jaw. “Chris quit baseball, and he joined the chess team.”

  I smile, imagining Chris becoming the number one chess player at school. “I bet he loves it.”

  Hudson beams. “He does. He still wants to teach you to play.”

  My face falls at his words. I didn’t just leave Hudson; I left Chris, too. My heart sinks, knowing I left a little boy who already lost his mother. He didn’t deserve for me to desert him.

  I search Hudson’s face, seeing the struggle hidden in his irises. I drop my gaze to his hand that’s clutching the side of the bar. I don’t know if it’s hard for him to be near me or for him to keep me so far away when I’m sitting across from him. Either way it makes me feel like shit.

  He doesn’t deserve this and neither does Chris. Two rays of light in my life that I let slip away. I’m such a fucking idiot.

  He stands from his stool and shifts on his feet. “I’ll see you around?”

  I nod and watch as he walks out the front door, and I sink on the barstool, wondering how I’m going to fix everything that I let fall apart.

  I never imagined I would be standing in a cemetery wearing a knee-length maroon dress celebrating love. The one place that is for mourning–the place people come to cry, come to talk to the dead, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here for love, for Kristy.

  As we stand under a tent off to the side of the cemetery, her guests are taking their seats twenty feet ahead of us. There won’t be more than fifteen people present for her wedding. She said the only people she needed were her and Jason’s parents, their grandparents, and a couple of friends.

  My eyes sweep across the cemetery, and I pucker my lips, taking in the headstones.

  This is so weird.

  “You did ask someone about getting married here, right?” I ask her, watching people who are grieving talking to gravestones.

  I’m not sure how I feel about being here because everywhere I look I see death, and it reminds me of the shockwave I spent the last month and a half trying to beat. I take several deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling, releasing the pain that’s threatening to push through my tough exterior.

  You don’t ever forget the torment of losing someone you love. You learn how to deal with it as it becomes part of your everyday routine.

  There are times when I think of Mom, and I smile. I remember funny stories and the laughs we shared. I remember things I thought I long forgot like the way she insisted on smelling anything she was about to put in her mouth. It’s odd what the brain chooses to remember. I like to think that means she’s still here with me, guiding me through my muddled life, trying to navigate me in the right direction.

  “Yep,” she says. “The manager said as long as we stay off to the side and don’t cause a ruckus, it’s perfectly fine.” She wipes her hands down the front of her dress. “For a fee, of course,” she adds.

  The one thing I’m thankful for is that we are nowhere near Mom’s grave. In fact, we aren’t even in the same cemetery where I laid her to rest. I think Kristy did that on purpose, and I could hug her for thinking of me when I haven’t been thinking about anyone else.

  “How do I look?” she asks, fidgeting with her dress.

  Kristy is wearing a flowy black dress with spaghetti straps. A shiny black belt is cinched around her waist with a plain black flower perched on the side.

  I untuck her hair from behind her ear. “Perfect.”

  “This is fast, ya know?” She runs a hand down her arm nervously.

  “Is this what you want? Because we can hightail it out of here before anyone notices we’re gone.”

  She laughs, leading me to believe she thinks I’m absolutely insane. “It is. I told you… compromise.” She sits on the metal fold-out chair and looks up at me. “I told him I wanted to wait and that I wanted to get married in a cemetery.”

  “And he didn’t commit you on the spot?” I joke.

  “Funny. No, he told me he’d go along with my crazy idea, but he wanted to get married sooner. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, I told him I’d do it as long as he didn’t pressure me to have kids anytime soon. I’m not ready for that shit.”

  There are a lot of things people aren’t ready for, me included, but sometimes you just have to jump. I’ve learned it’s never the perfect time, and there will never be a right time. You just hope like hell it will all work out in the end.

  She chews her bottom lip. “What if it doesn’t work out? What if once Jason and I get married, we start fighting all the time?”

  “You’re gonna be fine, Kristy,” I assure her. “You’re not going to end up like your parents.”

  She twists her hands in her lap. “How do you know?”

  “Because the way you and Jason are together, completely yourselves, is what people search for their entire lives. You might argue and harass each other, but you’re perfect for each other. Comfortable and safe. That’s what it should feel like.”

  “You and I are going to be friends until we die, Jade.” She smirks. “There’s no getting out of it.”

  I howl out a laugh. “Dang, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to see you after today.”

  She stands from the chair and punches me in the arm. “Yeah, right. You wouldn’t survive without me.”

  Odd how I can go from being alone, to knowing in my gut that she’s right–that I wouldn’t survive without her, because friends are what make a life, make it more than a mundane existence.

  “Let’s get you married.” I tug on her arm and head toward the handful of people waiting next to the willow tree for a wedding they’re sure to never forget.

  As soon as Jason sees Kristy, his face lights up. I can feel his love from the way his eyes shine as he looks at the woman he adores more than anything in this world. It makes my chest swell, knowing there are happy endings, and Kristy and Jason are getting theirs.

  With the sun setting behind Kristy and Jason, they say ‘I do’ in the most unconventional way, proving that not all love is the same, but beautifully different.

  We came straight to The Bar Next Door after the wedding. What other way do you end a wedding that took place in a cemetery except in a packed bar? It’s kind of perfect, almost full circle, seeing as how I’ve watched them bicker and make-out in this very place.

  “One more shot.” Kristy slams a full shot glass in front of me as she plops down in the booth across from me.

  I groan. “Are you trying to take advantage of me? Because you’re not really my type, being married and all.”

  “Ha-ha.” She holds up her shot and waits for me to pick up mine. Begrudgingly, I do, knowing she won’t let me off the hook. “To friends.” We clink our glasses together and down our shots, making a disgusted face in the process. “You gonna be okay with Monica the next two days?”

  I look over at Monica behind the bar struggling to open a beer bottle and grimace. Amanda snatches the bottle from her and easily pops the top, shoving the bottle back in her hands.

  Monica’s nice, but she’s not the best waitress. A little clumsy and unsure of herself. I know I’ll be picking up her slack, I’m just praying it’s not busy. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. You go have fun with your hubby.”

  “Don’t worry. I will.” She winks. “In fact, I think I’m gonna start now.” She scoots out of the booth and stands, fussing with her hair.

  “At least wait until you get home,” I yell.

  She waves me off. “You’ll be lucky if I make it to the car.”

  Someone save me.

  I stay seated, twirling the empty shot glass in my hands until I hear a loud bang followed by the sound of shattering glass.

  My head
whips in the direction of the noise, and I notice Monica’s panicked face as she looks down at the broken bottle of vodka along with a crate full of broken glasses.

  I curse under my breath, and I leave the safety of my booth, heading toward Monica to help her before she burns the place down.

  I close the door of the cab, and it pulls away, the black of the night coating me as the headlights disappear.

  I stayed at the bar for an hour to help clean up Monica’s mess before I called a cab to pick me up.

  I walk to the mailbox and open it, pulling out the single envelope inside. I switch the light on my phone on and catch a glimpse of the words on the white envelope.

  I applied to a community college six days ago, right after I deposited the check from Mom’s insurance policy. I’m taking more steps in the right direction, and it feels better than I thought it would.

  I didn’t think I could feel anything other than lost and devastated without Mom, but I was wrong. I’ll never forget her or what she did, but she’s teaching me to move on without even being here.

  Not able to wait until I get inside, I tear open the envelope and yank out the letter. I unfold the piece of paper, my eyes scanning it until I see the words that have me smiling.

  Congratulations!

  I hug the letter to my chest, letting out a small squeal as I grin into the darkness.

  It’s not the art school I got in to all those years ago, but I figured I could take classes at a local college and then transfer to an art school.

  This moment is bittersweet. I’m elated, but I wish I had Mom to celebrate with.

  And the real kicker, I wish I could wrap my arms around Hudson’s neck, him twirling me around as happy as I am.

  But then I realize that I can make one of those things happen. I can take another step. I can keep moving forward, and that’s exactly what I choose to do. I just hope he lets me back in.

  I take off running down the street, clutching the letter in my hand and thanking the heavens I wore flats today.

  I trip on a rock but quickly right myself as Hudson’s trailer comes in to view.

  I rush up the steps and quietly knock on his door, not wanting to wake Chis if he’s sleeping.

  I shift on my feet as I wait for the door to open, but it doesn’t, so I knock again.

  And I wait…and wait.

  When he doesn’t answer, I slide down his door, sinking to my butt, and that’s when I notice his car isn’t parked outside. He isn’t home, and my mood sinks as I look up at the dark sky.

  I cross my ankles and close my eyes. He isn’t home…but I’ll wait because I at least owe him that.

  Someone shakes my shoulder, and my head rolls to the side.

  “Jade, what are you doing?”

  My eyes crack open, and I see Hudson kneeling next to me.

  I look around, taking note that the sky is still black, and I’m sitting on Hudson’s porch. When did I fall asleep?

  “Jade?” he asks again, his hand sweeping down my face.

  I clear my throat. “I came looking for you.”

  He stands, extending his hand out to me. I take it, and he helps me to my feet. “What’s that?” he asks, nodding to something at my feet.

  I look down and pick up the letter I left on the ground. “I was hoping we could talk.” I run a hand over my face, waking myself up. “I know it’s late. Wait,”–I peek around him, searching for a tired little boy–“where’s Chris?”

  “With my mom. I picked up an early shift tomorrow.” He moves around me, unlocks the door, and walks inside. He holds the door open, staring at me expectantly. “You coming?”

  I nod and quickly step inside, not giving him the chance to change his mind.

  He throws his keys on the kitchen counter as the door closes behind me.

  I stand in the middle of the living room unsure of what to do with myself, feeling like we’re starting all over again.

  He leans against the wall across from me, his arms and legs crossed, like he’s waiting for me to explain myself.

  I deserve it. I deserve the hard look on his face, jaw clenched and eyes boring into me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, looking directly in his eyes, needing him to know how much I mean those words. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I avoided you, and I’m sorry I didn’t let you help me.” I grip the paper in my hand as I take a step toward him.

  His eyes soften, and my shoulders sag, seeing that he doesn’t hate me as much as I thought he did.

  “I had to do it on my own,” I explain, stopping four feet away from him. “I needed to know I could pick myself up, but I never should have treated you the way I did.” I shake my head. “You were there when no one else was. You were everything I needed and more.”

  He uncrosses his legs and shoves away from the wall, moving a foot closer to me before he halts his footsteps. “I know you needed time on your own, but you are also the only one who knows what I’m really scared of.”

  Losing people…and I left him, making his fears a reality.

  I press my lips together to keep my chin from trembling. I inhale and exhale until I feel confident enough that I can speak without crying. “I’m sorry I left, but I promise it won’t happen again. I won’t leave you because you’ve stolen my heart. You bring me peace and make everything feel right, even when it’s not.” I take a step closer, looking in his eyes, making sure he can see how exposed I am under the weight of his stare. “And I love you.”

  He searches my face as tears pool in my eyes. He keeps his chocolate brown eyes guarded as I struggle to keep myself from falling into his chest. “I’m in love with you, and I love Chris–”

  Hudson’s mouth crashes against mine, cutting off my words as he cradles my face in his hands, and I cling to his shirt, pulling him closer. His tongue sweeps in my mouth, and I moan as I sink further into him. I missed his touch, his overwhelming strength, and the scent of cinnamon. I missed everything about him. I feel whole in his arms, at peace.

  I don’t want to let go, but I push away from him, remembering why I came here. He drops his forehead to mine as he snakes his arms around my waist.

  “I have something to show you.” I hold up the letter in front of my chest, and he lifts his head from mine, reading the piece of paper in my hands.

  He looks at me smiling, his entire face lighting up with joy. “You’re going to school?” I nod. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

  He lifts me off the ground, and I shriek, throwing my hands around his neck as he kisses me, stealing my breath.

  He had more faith in me than I had in myself, and I couldn’t be any happier that I let the walls around my heart fall, letting him in.

  He drops me to my feet, and whispers, “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” I say just before his mouth descends to mine again, capturing my lips with his.

  I drop the letter to the ground as I grip his neck, pulling him closer, forging our bodies together like they have to exist in the same space, otherwise we might combust.

  I grasp the back of shirt in my hands, clawing at him like I might be able get closer, like I can crawl inside him.

  He reaches for the back of his shirt and yanks it over his head in one smooth motion, leaving me in a daze as his bare skin stares back at me, begging me to feel every inch.

  I trail a hand down his chest, slowly running it over every dent across his stomach, admiring every outline. His stomach contracts under my hand with each touch. Before I know it, he has my shirt over my head and on the floor. My hands snake around his neck, and I yank his mouth down to mine, wanting more.

  He walks backwards, moving us to his bedroom without looking, and I latch on to him, trusting him as he leads the way.

  He has me on the bed as soon as we enter his room, moving over me, placing kisses down my neck and chest as my hand runs through his soft hair, tugging.

  The rest of our clothes land on the floor, and I shove him to his back, allowing myself
to hover above him. My hand travels the length of his face as he watches me intently, dragging my hand down his neck and letting it rest over his erratically beating heart.

  His eyes gleam even through the darkness, the moonlight flitting through the blinds and bouncing off his irises.

  We’re going to be okay…both of us, together. We’re going to be more than okay.

  Everything happens for a reason, and I think Hudson and I struggled so much in our lives to get to this moment in time–to get to this place where we’re both happy.

  I seal my lips to his as he flips me on my back. I hold on to him, never wanting to let go of the man who helped me through the worst time in my life. And to my surprise, he was waiting for me on the other side of the tornado. He weathered the storm, when I expected him to pass through the night, leaving me on my own. I thought I was going to destroy him, break him into a thousand pieces, but I didn’t. We revived each other when we thought all hope was lost.

  His lips move down my neck, searing me with his mouth as he kisses a trail down my heaving chest. My hands run through his soft hair, tugging at the ends to bring his warm mouth back to mine.

  I let my fingers dance across his skin, feeling the muscles running down his back. I touch every part of his scorching skin, my hands greedy after having been away from him for so long.

  His tongue dances with mine, and I moan into his mouth when his chest collides with mine. The contact brings me to life, igniting a fire that sat dormant for too long.

  He pulls his mouth away from mine, running his hand gently down the side of my face. He gazes in to my eyes, and I watch love pour out of him, my chest clenching at the sight. “I would have waited a lifetime for you,” he says, placing a light kiss on the side of my mouth.

  I slide my hand up his strong arm, letting it rest on his jaw. “And I would have waited until I took my last breath.”

  His mouth connects with mine as his free hand rifles through his night stand. I pour all of my emotions in to him with my kiss. I let him know how much he means to me as my hands caress his skin. We don’t need words, not right now.