Always Have: (Bad Boy Romance)

by Claire Kingsley

  “Ooh, they have the best bakery,” I say. “Have you been alone all day?”

  “No.” There’s a wickedness to her tone.

  “Selene,” I say. “What’s up?”

  She cuts two thick slices of cake and plates them. “Okay, I have a confession, which is mostly why I bought you cake.”

  “A confession?”

  She pushes the plate toward me and hands me a fork. “I’ve been seeing someone for the last month and I didn’t tell you.”

  My jaw drops. “What the fuck?”

  “I know.” She takes my fork from my hand and cuts a bite. “Here, eat. Yes, I kept it from you, but it’s not because I didn’t want to tell you. I just … I wanted to see if it was going somewhere first.”

  I narrow my eyes at her, but put the bite of cake in my mouth. Oh my god, it’s divine. “Okay, I’m kind of forgiving you right now.” I finish the bite, closing my eyes in ecstasy as the cream cheese frosting melts in my mouth. “So, you’re telling me. Does that mean it is going somewhere?”

  “I think so,” she says. “At least, enough that you’ll meet him soon.”

  I take another bite. “That’s awesome, babe. I’m excited. Who is he? What’s he like?”

  “His name is Matthew. Isn’t that a great name? He’s tall, of course, because that’s a must for me, and he played college basketball.”

  “Where did you meet this guy? At work?”

  “No,” she says, her voice emphatic. “You know I don’t date people I work with. I met him online, if you can believe it.”

  “I can believe it,” I say. “I’m happy for you.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yeah, why?” I narrow my eyes at her. “Is there something wrong with him you haven’t told me yet?”

  “No, nothing like that,” she says. “I was just worried you’d be pissed that I didn’t tell you about every date.”

  I wave my hand at her as I take another bite. “No, that’s silly. It makes sense. Now I can be excited for you because you’ve already been through the whole do we have chemistry and is there going to be a third date stuff.”

  “Exactly,” she says. “And Ky, we have chemistry. Fuckloads of it.”

  Is it weird that hearing her say that, with her voice lowered and kind of breathy, makes me a little tingly? I shift on the barstool, trying to get rid of the feeling. Just because Selene has a guy to give her orgasms and I don’t, does not mean I need to be jealous.

  “I mean, holy shit, we spent today together and, damn,” she says. “He is hot, and he is good.”

  Okay, I’m a little jealous. “You get him, tiger,” I say, and assuage my envy with more cake.

  “So how’s the vow to be different plan coming?” she asks.

  I drop my fork. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m not dating the wrong guy, but I’m not dating anyone. I’m not even trying. I have no idea where to even start.”

  “You could try online.”

  “I guess,” I say. “I’m just not sure what I’m looking for anymore. It’s like my radar is broken or something. But whatever, I don’t want to talk about my desolate love life. Where’s Braxton? He would love this cake.”

  Selene licks some frosting off her fork. “I don’t know. Probably with Aubrey.”

  My back stiffens. I haven’t heard this name in connection with Brax before. “Uh, who’s Aubrey?”

  “You haven’t met Aubrey?” she asks. “Right, I guess you’ve been in seclusion. They’ve been dating for, I don’t know, a month? She’s pretty nice. Different than the girls he usually dates.”

  Different. We both toasted to it. My tummy does a little tumble, and suddenly the cake doesn’t taste like anything.

  Why do I care? Braxton dates lots of girls. I shouldn’t ask more questions about her, but I can’t help it. “What’s so different about her?”

  “She’s not a blonde, for one,” Selene says. “And, I don’t know … she’s nice, and please don’t hit me for saying this, but she’s not slutty. Because let’s be honest, a lot of Braxton’s girlfriends are kind of slutty.”

  A not-slutty non-blonde? I take another tasteless bite of cake to cover the fact that I feel like I got punched in the gut. But that’s stupid, because I have no reason to feel this way.

  I know what it is. I’m bummed because both my besties are in relationships and I’m the odd one out. That’s definitely the reason this news is hitting me so hard.

  “That’s cool, I guess,” I say. “I won’t get too excited, though. It’s not like she’ll be around for long.”

  “I don’t know,” Selene says. “Like I said, this one seems different. He seems different with her.”

  I push my plate away. I need to quit shoving cake in my mouth, and I really need to change the subject. “I have got to quit eating this, or I’ll definitely regret it later. It’s so good, though.”

  “I know,” she says. “You should take half of the leftovers home with you so I don’t eat it all myself.”

  Why don’t you just invite Braxton and his different new girlfriend and let them lick it off each other’s fingers?

  Fuck, Kylie, calm your shit down.

  “Hell no, you are not pawning that plate of sinful temptation off on me,” I say. “Toss it if you don’t want to eat it.”

  She picks up her phone. “I’ll just text Brax.”

  It’s the weirdest thing, but the thought of seeing Braxton right now makes my stomach do another flip-flop—and it isn’t the good kind.

  “Sounds good,” I say. “But hey, I have to get to work early in the morning, so I’m going to head home. Thanks for the cake. Let me know when I get to meet your new guy.”

  She smiles. “You bet. Thanks for coming over.”

  I head out to my car, hurrying just in case Braxton is close by. I don’t want to deal with seeing him with this Aubrey chick. Not right now. If it lasts between them, I’ll have to meet her eventually. I don’t know why that thought makes me feel so sick. It must be the cake. I ate it too fast.

  It can’t be because I’m upset that Braxton is with someone. That thought doesn’t even make sense.

  When Kylie and I toasted to different, something shook loose inside me.

  I’ve been living my life this way for years, doing the same things over and over. Why am I surprised at getting the same result? Maybe it’s time I accept that Kylie and I aren’t going to happen. I’d like to blame it all on bad timing, but I know the truth is deeper than that. We’ve been friends so long that it makes any change in our relationship complicated. Risky.

  Plus I have no idea what Selene would do if I got together with Kylie. I see how she looks at me when I look at Ky. She does not like it. And that presents a problem.

  If I want something other than meaningless sex and relationships that don’t last, I need to be the one to change. So, like Kylie, I’m trying something different.

  That’s where Aubrey came in. I did not pick her up at a bar. I did not sleep with her the first time we met. Okay, I did the second time, but that’s different for me. She’s not my typical fling. She’s petite, with brown hair cut short in a sporty bob and a smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. I met her in a fucking grocery store of all places, and she hit on me first.

  All different. Which is why I’m giving it a real shot.

  It’s Friday night, and we pull up to Brody’s Brewhouse. It used to be one of our favorite hangouts, but it’s been a while since I’ve met up with Selene and Kylie here. Aubrey is dressed in a short-sleeved black shirt that shows off her toned arms, and a polka-dotted miniskirt. We head inside and find Selene already at a table. Her new guy, Matthew, sits across from her.

  I wouldn’t say I’m nervous as I lead Aubrey to the table, but I do have an extra kick of adrenaline running through my system. It’s the first time I’ll see Kylie since I started dating Aubrey. Kylie’s not here yet, but she’s supposed to come, and I’m not sure how this is all going to go down.

 
It shouldn’t be a big deal, but I already feel guilty that Ky’s going to be here without a date and both Selene and I brought someone. It’s not the first time this has happened, with someone being the odd person out. And it’s certainly not the first time I’ve introduced Kylie to another woman. But this time feels … different. Like maybe I’m closing a door for real this time.

  That hits me in the gut, but I push the feeling aside.

  “Hey, you two,” Selene says when we get to the table.

  We make the round of introductions. I’ve met Matthew once before. I eye him with open suspicion. There’s something about him that rubs me wrong. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because he was an athlete. I don’t like it when my sister dates athletes; they’re too much like me, but she’s drawn to them like a fucking bee to a flower.

  After getting settled at the table and ordering drinks, we start the customary small talk—what we do, where we’re from, that sort of thing. Matthew is from Texas originally, and he played college basketball; a knee injury kept him from going pro. At least that’s what he claims. I’m wondering if he just didn’t get drafted, and the knee injury is his story to make him sound better than he is. Aubrey grew up in California, but went to college in Seattle and decided to stay.

  I’m turned at an angle so I can’t see the front door without moving. I force myself not to look too many times. Is Kylie coming? I wonder if it will raise Aubrey’s defenses if I ask Selene. I told Aubrey she’d be meeting my best friend, and I told her about Kylie. She just smiled and said she was excited to meet her. I wonder how long that friendliness will last, but it’s kind of a moot point—at least for tonight, if Kylie doesn’t show. I check my phone, but I don’t have any texts. Not that I’d expect Kylie to text me tonight. She and I haven’t talked much recently, and Selene made the plans for tonight. Still, I’m disappointed.

  Appetizers arrive, and Selene doesn’t say anything about Kylie. I get caught up in a conversation with Matthew about the ins and outs of Seattle losing the Sonics, while Selene and Aubrey chat. The food here is great; I resolve to come back more often, even if just for the homemade potato chips and beer.

  I know the second she walks in. I’m not even looking at the front door. I feel it. The hair on my arms raise and the back of my neck tingles. Selene smiles and waves. I slam my walls up around me, hard. Nothing is getting through tonight.

  Kylie comes to the table and pauses, her hand on the empty chair. Fucking hell, she’s beautiful. Her hair is down in loose waves around her face, and she’s dressed in an ass-hugging pair of jeans and an aqua blue top. The color makes her eyes more blue than gray, standing out against her pale skin.

  “Hey, you guys,” she says with an easy smile. “Sorry I’m late. Work, you know?”

  “No problem, babe,” Selene says. “We haven’t ordered dinner yet.”

  Kylie puts her purse over the back of the chair and takes her seat. I swallow hard, trying to get my shit under control. This is not the first time I’ve introduced her to a girl, so why are the words suddenly dying in my throat? She looks at me expectantly—and then the weirdest thing happens.

  “Hi,” Aubrey says, her voice friendly. She reaches out her hand to Kylie. “I’m Aubrey. It’s so nice to meet you. Braxton has told me so much, I feel like I already know you. I hope that’s not weird.”

  Kylie looks a little stunned, but she recovers quickly, shaking hands with Aubrey. “It’s really nice to meet you too, Aubrey.”

  Aubrey starts asking Kylie questions, her tone light. There’s no hint of jealousy on her face. No sign that she’s uncomfortable with meeting this woman, who I’ve made clear is an important part of my life.

  What the hell?

  This has literally never happened before. Aubrey chats with Kylie and Selene all through dinner, treating both of them like new friends. Kylie seems relaxed. She laughs and talks. That’s weird, too. She’s usually closed off toward my dates—nice, even chatty at times, but always reserved. Granted, my dates aren’t usually this friendly toward her, so maybe that’s the difference. Kylie is simply following Aubrey’s lead.

  Or maybe Ky is actually happy that I’m with Aubrey.

  A very disturbing realization comes to me. I liked the fact that the women I date are uncomfortable with Kylie. It was like my secret trap door. I could always fall back on my girlfriend not getting along with my best friend as an out. Kylie isn’t going anywhere, so if the girl I’m dating can’t handle that, it’s an easy excuse to end things and move on.

  I’d never thought about it that way before this moment, and I’m not sure how to feel about it now that I know.

  I’m also not sure how I feel about the fact that my new girlfriend and Kylie seem to be getting along fabulously.

  I’m feeling out of control, and I do not like it. I don’t do out of control, especially when Selene is watching. I take a long pull from my beer.

  This is what I wanted, isn’t it? Dating someone for real, without an end game already forming in the back of my mind. Seeing my date get along with Kylie, like we could all hang out regularly and it wouldn’t be awkward. Knowing that Kylie will sooner or later not show up to Friday night dinner and drinks alone. She’ll be with someone new, and he could be different, too. He could be the one who does it right. Who treats her the way she deserves, and gives her what she needs. This is what moving on looks like. What it feels like.

  It feels kind of fucking awful.

  But I don’t let an ounce of that show. I put a hand on Aubrey’s thigh. I smile at Selene. I laugh when Matthew makes a shitty joke. I can’t quite look at Kylie, but I try to hide that, too.

  I keep it casual. Easy. Like this night is nothing more than a bunch of friends hanging out, having a few beers.

  Because that’s what it fucking needs to be.

  I don’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I’ve been avoiding Braxton and Selene.

  Whenever they want to hang out, I’m quick to make an excuse: I’m tired from a long week at work, I need to go visit my dad, I’m going to chill at home. I can tell Selene is annoyed with me. Her texts keep getting shorter. I feel bad, and I’ve almost apologized at least ten times. But every time I try to say sorry I haven’t been around lately, I come to the part where I explain why, and I can’t.

  I’ve been the odd woman out before. That’s usually mildly annoying, but it’s never stopped me from hanging out with them. I might decline a group dinner, but meet up with them for drinks another time. Or find ways to hang out with them without their dates. But lately, I just can’t do it.

  I don’t understand why. What kind of person can’t be happy for their friends when their friends are happy? That’s all kinds of fucked up. Selene and her new guy are getting along well, and Braxton seems like he’s actually found someone outside the tall, blond, resting-bitch-face mold. Aubrey didn’t even seem like she hated me, which was weird as hell. I should be glad for them.

  But I’m not.

  I know I should stop telling myself this is about both of them. If it was just Selene, I’d have no issues. I am glad for Selene, genuinely.

  Which means it’s about Braxton, and I do not want to explore what that means for me.

  So I keep making excuses and avoiding the entire situation. Great plan, right? Real grown up of me.

  But today, I can’t make an excuse and I can’t ignore them. It’s Mother’s Day, and the three of us have a tradition to keep.

  I don’t particularly like Mother’s Day. Both parental holidays are tough on Selene and Braxton, so that’s certainly a part of it. But whereas Father’s Day just means the three of us hang out with my dad, Mother’s Day is tough on me, too. Talking about my mother still doesn’t come easily to me. I haven’t spoken to her in years. She left my dad for another man when I was little. Moved off to California and started a new family, leaving Dad and me behind. I didn’t see her much as a kid, other than the two weeks I was forced to stay with her every summer—until I was thirteen a
nd refused to go.

  I didn’t get in trouble for that act of rebellion. There was no coaxing or cajoling me to get in the car and drive to the airport. Dad acted upset, then had a phone conversation with my mother behind a closed door. And I never went to California to stay with her again.

  It’s more or less impossible not to feel pretty fucking abandoned when your mother leaves you. What was so wrong with me that she didn’t want me? It wasn’t that she didn’t want kids; she had three more. I looked her up on Facebook once, a few years ago, and her feed was full of posts about my half-siblings. Bragging about their accomplishments, posting pictures of them all together. What a fucking shit show. I blocked her, even though she’s never made any attempt to contact me.

  So with Selene and Braxton’s mom gone, and mine being the unloving narcissist that she is, we’ve always spent Mother’s Day together. It’s just what we do.

  I head over to Braxton’s gym where we’re meeting up. There are a couple of cars parked out front—Braxton’s being one of them—but no sign of Selene. I consider waiting in the car until she shows up. This isn’t a bring a date sort of day, so I’m positive Aubrey isn’t here, but I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t like the idea of being alone with Brax right now.

  I blow out a long breath. This is stupid. I’m building this up in my mind so much that I’m all worked up over nothing. I’ll see Braxton, and it will be the same as it always is. We’ll go do our weird little Mother’s Day ritual: a ferry ride from Seattle to Bainbridge and back, then dinner at this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place in Belltown, before we go visit their parents’ grave sites. I can totally handle it.

  I walk in the front door and find Braxton putting equipment away on the other side of the gym. The sight of him hits me like a train; my lungs go empty like he’s just sucked all the oxygen out of room. Burned it up with the heat of his body.

  He gives me an easy smile and I do my best to smile back.

  See? This is fine. Completely normal.