Love, Redefined: A Contemporary Romance Novel (Love Lessons Book 1)

by Brynn North

  “Give me a minute? I’m almost done with my article I need to send to Boston today.” I pretended to not notice the way her eyes cut to me as I mentioned her brother’s name. “But maybe I’ll taste test a few of the chocolates, make sure they aren’t poisonous for him?”

  She passed me the bag. “What an angel, so self-sacrificing and noble. Here. Poison yourself away. I’ll busy myself by trying on my other new things, while you try to impress the world with your literary skills.”

  I gnawed at the end of my pen, not quite sure how to end the article. Finally, despite everything else in my body screaming not to do it, I knew I had to pick up the phone and ask Boston for his advice. Luckily he didn’t seem to mind and gave me exactly the information I needed. It killed me a little that the conversation was strictly professional and polite, nothing like our joking banter of the past, and the hole in my heart seemed to get a little bigger. He surprised me though, asking me how Shane was before I hung up.

  “On the upswing,” I reported, wondering how much he honestly cared.

  But then again, this was Boston of all people. Gracious to a fault. “I’m glad to hear that,” he said sincerely.

  “Vi’s down here for the weekend, did she tell you?”

  “Yeah, she mentioned it,” he said. I could hear him open his fridge, and suddenly I got a vision of him pouring a glass of beer, being it was Friday afternoon and all. Against my will, I imagined being there with him, pouring me a glass of wine, and that hole in my heart grew even more. I could probably drive a truck through it at this point. “You two behave yourselves, okay? Don’t be getting into any trouble that would require me to make my way down to Chicago to rescue you ladies.”

  I laughed at the thought of the proper Vi and me, a frazzled bundle of nerves, doing anything that would get us into trouble. “Like what? I need ideas,” I teased before I stopped, horrified. I was accidentally slipping back into our old banter, the one he put a stop to.

  If he minded, he didn’t show. “Oh, I don’t know, trying to skateboard over the Bean, scale the Hancock Building, bust into Oprah’s old apartment, that type of thing. The ideas from a person like you are endless, Kitty Kat.”

  If it was possible to float up into the air like a helium balloon over a simple remark, I would have been hitting the ceiling.

  “You’re not hungry. You’re just desperate to talk, aren’t you?” Vi said when we settled into a booth at a bar across the street from the hospital after we visited Shane. It went well overall, but I had feigned hunger when his parents came by, and Vi and I had escaped to grab a bite.

  “How can you tell?”

  “Because you’re mixing fried cheese curds with chocolate lava cake and white wine. Anyone who wasn’t starving would realize that’s a horrible combination.”

  “It’s not that bad!” I relented at Vi’s eye smirk. “Fine. It’s not ideal. I’m hungry for a conversation that isn’t about foreign exchange, gossip about the partners at Shane’s firm, or medical updates.”

  “But that’s all the conversation topics you two had before, just minus the medical stuff,” Vi pointed out.

  “True.” I stabbed a cheese curd into the marinara sauce and popped it into my mouth, grimacing immediately. I hated it when restaurants served cold marinara sauce with hot foods. “At least then I could fake interest better. Now? I end up scrolling through Instagram before they can tell me the make and model of the third car they’re buying.”

  “Does he even try to save you?”

  “Who, Shane? Please. You know he’s trying to break out of managing partner, make it to senior partner. Even in the hospital room, we have to kiss ass.”

  “And you’re sure you want to do this?” Vi’s voice was casual as she took a sip of wine, but I knew it was faked.

  I snagged a piece of flatbread off her plate. At least that was warm. “Of course I don’t. Who actually wants to kiss ass to partners like that?”

  She gave me an exaggerated eye roll, shaking her long dark hair as she did it. “Not what I meant, and you damn well know it. This whole accident thing was horrible, I get it, but have you considered you raced down here to check on him, and didn’t stop to consider what you wanted before diving right back to where you were?”

  Her words hit home, outlining exactly the internal thoughts I had been struggling to put to words. Didn’t want to put to words because then I’d have to think them through instead of pretending they weren’t there.

  “Kinda,” I admitted, taking a chance at another fried cheese curd. I started picking off the crust instead of putting it in my mouth. “I mean, it was such a confusing time. I was in a frenzy over his accident, then Shane told me all the things I was dying to hear for so long...then Boston rejected me, and I guess I fell right back into my old life.”

  Vi froze, a cheese curd halfway to her mouth. “Did you just say Boston rejected you?”

  “Yeah. I told him about my infertility and Shane, and he dropped off the face of the earth after that.” My stomach dropped at the mere memory of our conversation.

  She put the cheese curd down and gave me a fierce look. “And did you ask him why he dropped off the face of the earth or did you just come up with a narrative in your head?”

  If I somehow had forgotten Vi was a child of a psychologist, I was certainly reminded now.

  “Uh-huh,” she said to the guilty look on my face. “Knew it. You’ve got to woman up and reach out. When all this started, the one thing I asked you not to do was hurt Boston. And have you kept that promise?”

  I gave a little noncommittal shrug to her steely-eyed gaze. We both knew the answer to that. Luckily, she didn’t press too hard.

  “Kat, you need to quit making stories where there aren’t any stories to be told, only truths to uncover.”

  “I think I’ve heard your dad say that,” I grumbled.

  “And,” she said, giving me another stern look. “You realize it’s not a competition between Boston and Shane, where you need to make your choice, right? You need to decide what kind of life you want for yourself, not for another man? Even if it means neither of them?”

  “I know. And it’s not about that,” I promised. “I know that now. I was just caught up in wanting to get my old life back. The one I planned for years. And, to be honest, I was sort of afraid of being alone forever, Vi. Shane really threw me for a loop, got me thinking I was damaged goods.”

  “You’re not damaged goods.” Her voice was so fierce and protective it made me blink away a tear. “And you won’t be alone forever. You have too many good friends and family members who care for that to ever happen, with or without a man. Your life and your future are for you to decide. Not to hand off to anyone else, especially a man.”

  “I know that now. Maybe just not then.” I twisted my paper napkin into a ball. “But I can’t throw away ten years of caring about Shane, Vi.”

  “I know. I wouldn’t expect you to. But caring about him doesn’t mean you have to re-dedicate your life to him when that chapter has closed, Kat. He felt no obligation before, so why do you feel it now?”

  “I get it. I don’t want to be his second choice,” I admitted. Then it hit me.

  Second choice. Those were the exact words Boston said to me, and without realizing it, I repeated them. Was that how I made him feel? That he was only wanted as my backup plan? The way I worried Shane was thinking of me? Or did Shane really love me and wish the past few months never happened? How would I know what he really wanted?

  But more importantly, how would I know what I wanted?

  “Vi, I gotta go see Shane. I’ll see you back at the Airbnb tonight.” I threw down some money and bolted to the door.

  32

  “Babe! You’re back. I didn’t think I’d see you again tonight after you left with Vi.” Shane looked pleased, despite me interrupting his typing. “Hey, can you bring that pillow over here? I’m having a hell of a time with this laptop.”

  “What are you reading? Shouldn’t y
ou be resting more?” I asked as I brought over the pillow. I peered at the computer. Some boring looking report was up on the screen. Not exactly light reading for this late at night.

  He stretched his arms over his head. “Yeah, I know, right? But Curtis promised to sponsor me to make a senior partner this year, and I want to make sure I’m not losing any ground by being in the hospital. I’m already losing out by being taken off the Dubai project.” His voice took on a determined tone. “But I’ll make up for it. I got a plan.”

  “What is it?” I asked, the reason I came to talk to him pushed aside for a second.

  He brightened. “Oh, you missed that when you and Vi left. Curtis came in and said they need someone to move to London for a year, to start up a new branch over on that side of the pond. I told him to put my name in for it, and he said he’s almost sure I’ll get it as long as I’m healed and catch up from the time lost in the hospital. Starts in about three months.” His face was filled with excitement and he slapped his hands together, literally rubbing them together with glee.

  “London?” I gasped.

  He misread my reaction. “I know! Great, isn’t it. You’ll love it there. The flats the firm uses are right next to a country club where you could swim and use the workout facilities. I doubt you’ll be able to get a job without a work permit, but you’ll keep yourself busy. And the nightlife will be ten times better than what we have in Chicago.” He grinned at the thought of our new lives. “Haven’t you bugged me to go to London?”

  “Yeah, but asking to go on a week-long trip is a hell of a lot different from moving there for a year, Shane.”

  “But isn’t it better? We’ve moved all over the USA. Now we’re getting our chance for the big time! This is a total career changer. Think of all the weekend trips we could take to France and Italy.” I could tell he was already mentally making a list of all the Italian wines he wanted to try, and all the different croissants in France he could eat.

  I threw myself down in the chair next to his bed with a loud thump. “Did it ever occur to you to ask me before committing us to move halfway across the globe? Seems like something two people should talk about first?”

  Shane was so shocked he shut his laptop, which shocked me. Getting his attention once he started working was near impossible. “Are you upset with me?”

  “Yes! Yes, I’m upset with you!” I almost shouted. “You can’t just dump me, beg me back, then act like nothing ever happened. You’re treating me like a puppy, just happy to trail after you again!”

  A nurse, who was about to come through the door, caught my reaction. I angrily waved him away, and he backed out of the door without another word. Good. Guess Shane’s vitals would have to wait.

  Shane’s face took on a look of astonishment that I had never seen directed at me before. “Katrina, you changed. You never used to be like this, wanting to hold me back. You always used to be so supportive of my career, and our future.”

  The audacity of his words should have surprised me, but they didn’t, which really told me something.

  “You mean I used to be so supportive of your desires. But when were you supportive of mine, Shane?” For once, he didn’t have an instant retort. I pressed on. “Did you know that I started an article series in Twin Cities Magazine, encouraging women to find out who they really are after a breakup? And that I have actual readers, real followers, that like what I wrote? Also, did you know I’ve gotten such great feedback that the magazine wants me to do another series?”

  I knew he wasn’t aware of any of the things I just said but wanted to make my point.

  Shane nodded approvingly. “Well, that’s great, and I’m proud of you. But I don’t know why something like that can’t be done freelance like you used to. If you want to do more freelance work, we’ll get you help so you don’t have so many responsibilities around the house.”

  “Not the point, Shane.” I got up and started pacing around his room, trying to bring down my racing heart. “The point is I have goals too. And I can’t be held back on things I want to do in my life by following you around the globe like I used to, letting your career dictate my future.”

  “Well, I can’t turn down this offer, Katrina, not after I couldn’t finish up in Dubai.”

  I gathered up all my courage and turned to face him, looking him in the eye. There was the man I called mine for ten years. The man I knew everything about, and every dream he ever had. The man I still cared about deeply.

  But the man I also knew I wasn’t meant to be with. A sudden peace flooded over me.

  “It’s over, Shane. Really over this time.” I crossed the room and perched on the side of his bed. I smoothed his hair back tenderly. He was badly in need of a haircut. He started to say something, but I put my finger to his lips with a soft shhh sound.

  “Please listen.” I smiled so he knew I wasn’t upset with him. “I spent months desperate to make you want me back. I tried to improve myself, to show you I was worth it, worthy of you. That’s what the whole article series was about, secretly anyway. But what I didn’t realize when I started it was that I needed to improve for myself, not for you. I needed to get rid of the bad habits that were holding me back from the person I was meant to be. I needed space to become the best version of myself.”

  “And you’re getting that with the life you have in Minneapolis?” I couldn’t tell if his voice was curious or defeated. Maybe a mixture of both.

  I thought about all I’ve done to build my life over the last few months back home. A new career, living closer to my parents, new hobbies, seeing Vi, and...Boston.

  “Yes,” I said simply.

  We were quiet for a few minutes. I held his hand in mine. It was the beginning of the real end, and we could both feel it in our guts.

  “Is it me? Or do you just like it better back there?” he finally asked, voice abrupt.

  I gave it an honest thought before answering. I knew he could handle the truth either way.

  “It’s mostly you,” I said truthfully, giving his hand a little squeeze to cut the harshness of my words. “But also me. I didn’t set boundaries in our relationship. That was my fault. I slid into bad habits, trying to be so perfect for you, make your life perfect, which made me give less to myself. I lost my backbone. I always felt like your second choice, behind your work, then behind other women after you dumped me, but I didn’t realize I was making myself a second choice. I need someone who will love me for who I am, not because they think I can check off boxes for them. And above all, I needed to respect myself and my needs.”

  “I understand. At least, I think I do.” His eyes were shiny, and just the sight of them made eyes well up too. In all our years together, I had never seen Shane cry. “Is there any chance I can prove to you I’m different? That I made a mistake?”

  I looked at him, and he looked back at me. We both knew the answer, but I said the words, anyway. “I think we both know that’s a mistake too. We can care and have a love for each other--"

  “There’s a but in there, though, right?” He gave me a regretful smile.

  I stroked his hair. “No buts. But there is an ‘and.’ We can care about each other and need different things. I’ve learned that over the last few months. I learned it’s okay, hell, it’s normal, to feel two totally different things at once when you are going through a big transition in life. Loss isn’t linear. It’s a big, crazy mess.” I gave him a watery smile. “I’ll always treasure our time together. It was the most fundamental decade of my life.”

  He was quiet for a long moment, then pulled me close. We hugged for a long, lasting minute. I pulled apart and gave him one last kiss, the last kiss I’d ever give him. It wasn’t a passionate kiss; it was a kiss of goodbye to ten years of history. Goodbye to all the good times we’d had, the lessons we had learned, and the lessons we had yet to learn. It was a kiss of apologies, sorrow, and at the same time, freedom. His lips felt familiar, yet completely different. I knew I’d miss him, but I also knew big
ger things were on my horizon.

  I rested my head against his forehead. “I’ll miss you. Go get ‘em, tiger. Show London that there’s a new finance guy in town.”

  “Thanks, Katrina, for everything.” His voice was quiet and reflective, and it broke my heart a little, even as I knew I was doing the right thing. Shane wasn’t all bad. Our relationship wasn’t all bad. We had many wonderful moments together in our years, and I would keep them in my heart forever, even as I made new memories. I learned over the last few months that happiness and loss can co-exist and new friends and experiences could enter my life without erasing or invalidating the wonderful ones I had already experienced.

  With a last kiss on the top of his head, I got up from his bed and headed toward the door.

  “Oh, and Shane?”

  His eyes, which had been staring at his hands resting on the blanket, flicked toward me.

  “In Minneapolis, I go by Kat now.”

  His burst of laughter would always be one of my favorite memories. “Kat Love? You gotta be kidding me.”

  “You mean kitten me, right?”

  With that, I sashayed out the door to the sound of his laugher, and into my future.

  Vi was sitting on the couch when I got in, a glass of wine in hand. Beside her was an open box of Cheez-Its.

  “Well, well, well, this is quite the twist, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you be doing something with your life? Maybe getting a job? We can call up Starbucks, see if they’re hiring?”

  I just barely dodged the Cheeze-It aimed in my direction.

  “Where’d you go? Why did you run out on me? It better be good. I spent almost four hundred bucks on the walk home with all the stores you didn’t prevent me from going into.”

  “Oh, I have a lot to tell you. Let me get a glass and sit down.” On the way to the kitchen area, I saw a cardboard box by the table. “What’s this?”