“What made you think of them?” Jay made a conscious effort to keep his voice casual and offhand.
“I don’t want that kind of life,” she said with a sigh. “I want the fairy tale, a happy-ever-after kind of life. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
His hand tightened around hers, but he made himself keep walking.
“You can have that with me,” he said. “Guaranteed.”
“But we’re so different.” He could hear the regret in her tone. “What we want out of life is so different.”
“I don’t agree,” Jay said. “We both want to work at a job that makes us happy. We want to socialize with friends. We want children.”
“What about God?” Rachel asked. “Where does He fit into the picture?”
“I have to admit that in the last few years, God hasn’t really been a part of my life,” Jay said honestly. “But I do believe. And if we had children, I’d want them to go to church. When I wasn’t working, I’d go, too.”
“Oh, Jay.” Rachel’s face twisted in disappointment and his heart sank.
“Oh, Jay, what?” he asked lightly, trying to bring the smile back to her lips.
“I know what I want out of life and what will make me happy,” Rachel said. “I want to live in a small town. I want a husband who works a regular schedule, who is home at night. And most of all I want to marry someone whose faith is as important to them as mine is to me.”
“I thought marriage was about compromise,” Jay said.
“Some things are non-negotiable.”
“So you’re saying, I’m not the man for you.” Jay’s heart hardened protectively against a fresh surge of pain.
“I wish you were, but you’re not.” Rachel sighed. “It’s no one’s fault. It’s just how it is. You are such a wonderful man. Any woman would be luc—”
“Spare me,” Jay said. He was a big boy. He didn’t need her to sugarcoat the rejection. “Bottom line is you’re turning down my proposal.”
Rachel slowed to a stop on the sidewalk in front of her house. “I am.”
As angry and hurt as Jay was, the sadness reflected in Rachel’s eyes made him want to forget his own pain, pull her into his arms and comfort her. He kept his arms at his side.
“Where do we go from here?” Jay asked, knowing he needed to ask, but wasn’t sure he really wanted to hear the answer.
Rachel’s gaze shifted to her left hand. “I need to give you back the ring.”
Though accepting it graciously would probably be the sensible thing to do, taking the diamond back made it all seem so final. Besides, the reason it was on her finger hadn’t changed.
“Keep it,” he said. “At least for now. It would look suspicious if we broke up so soon.”
She thought for a moment, then nodded. “You’re right.”
“Of course I’m right,” Jay forced a light tone. “I’m always right. And, I can tell you, Miss Tanner, one of these days you’re going to look back and regret turning down my proposal.”
“You think so?” Rachel asked, a ghost of a smile touching her lips at his teasing tone.
“I know so,” Jay said. “I’m a great guy. And I could have made you very happy if you’d just given me a chance.”
If you’d just given me a chance.
Rachel stared up at her bedroom ceiling, wishing desperately she could fall asleep, but knowing there was no chance until she sorted through the thoughts swirling in her head.
When Jay had told her he loved her, she’d been filled with joy. Though she’d tried to temper the emotion with logic, for one crazy moment she’d found herself believing that it could all work out.
But when he’d started talking about L.A. and how much she was going to like it, reality had reared its ugly head and she’d returned to her senses.
As a child, she’d turned up her stereo to drown out the sounds of her parent’s fighting. She remembered growing up in a home with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. She remembered vowing that she would never subject her children to such turmoil.
When she married, she would choose carefully, knowing the choice of a spouse was the most important decision she would ever make.
But I want Jay.
The cry rose up from deep inside Rachel, bringing tears to her eyes and deepening the ache in her heart. Though she’d once fancied herself in love with Tom, her feelings for Jay went so far beyond what she’d felt for Tom that she couldn’t begin to compare the two.
Jay had opened up and let her see the man inside the hunky body. It hadn’t been easy for him, and Rachel had the feeling that most of his past relationships had been fairly superficial.
He’d soon be back in L.A. Who would keep him grounded? Who would comfort him when he was stressed? Who would be a true friend?
Lindsay?
The tabloids had reported Lindsay and her latest boyfriend, a scruffy looking rock star, had just split, so she was available. And with Jay back to being his old handsome self, she’d certainly find him an acceptable companion.
But Jay needed someone who loved him for who he was, not what he looked like—someone who understood him, not someone like Lindsay who couldn’t even be there when he needed her.
Rachel folded her hands and lifted her eyes heavenward.
Dear God, I know this may seem like a trivial request, but I know You love Jay and want what’s best for him. This is an uncertain time for him and I don’t want him to make any mistakes. Lindsay Stark may be a nice woman, but she’s not the right woman for him. You know as well as I do that Jay’s faith needs to be bolstered and raised up, not torn down. I know he comes across as supremely confident, but You and I both know the fears in his heart. Let him feel Your comfort and strength. Surround him with those who truly care. Thank You. Amen.
Rachel closed her eyes, suddenly at peace. Jay would be okay. Even if she were no longer the one watching over him.
Rachel closed the hymnal and sat down along with the rest of the congregation. She folded her hands for the final prayer and wondered if she should have called Jay this morning instead of assuming the plan hadn’t changed. Earlier in the week, when he’d mentioned picking her up for Sunday services, she’d told him she had to come early for an Altar Guild meeting so she’d just meet him at the church.
But that had been before she’d turned down his proposal. Her heart twisted. Saying no had been the hardest thing she’d ever done, but it was the only decision that made any sense. A marriage between her and Jay would never work.
“Amen,” the congregation intoned in one voice.
Rachel lifted her head and realized with a guilty flush that she hadn’t heard a single word of the prayer.
The organist launched into the final hymn and Rachel sang with extra gusto hoping God would know by her enthusiasm that He was still first in her heart, even if her thoughts had been a bit preoccupied.
The song ended, the blessing was given and Rachel rose along with the rest of the parishioners. After exchanging pleasantries with one of her sister’s former classmates, Rachel headed up the aisle.
She’d barely taken five steps when a hand grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side. Rachel turned and discovered the steel-fingered grip belonged to Gladys Mitchell.
Rachel forced a smile and rubbed her arm. “For a second I thought I was being hijacked.”
“We missed you at Altar Guild,” Rachel added when Gladys didn’t immediately reply.
“My alarm clock misfired.” Gladys’s smile faded and she shook her head in disgust. “My nephew gave it to me for my birthday last week. It’s one of those newfangled machines that are supposed to do it all. I just wanted it to wake me up on time. I guess that was too much to ask.”
Rachel started to laugh, then covered it with a cough. “Rae took notes. She said she’d give you the schedule for next quarter.”
The older woman’s lips pressed together. “If that alarm had gone off, I’d have been there to take my own notes.”
�
��Maybe it didn’t like the early hour,” Rachel quipped, knowing she probably shouldn’t tease Gladys, but was unable to resist.
“It’s not early to me. But then I go to bed at a decent hour,” Gladys said with extra emphasis. “I hear you were out late last night.”
“Not so late.” Rachel ignored the censure in Gladys’s tone. “Dottie’s party broke up around eleven.”
“I was referring to your late-night stroll through town.”
Rachel widened her eyes. “How did you hear about that?”
Gladys gestured toward the front entrance where Elmer Krupicka and a group of men stood talking. “There aren’t many secrets in Millville.”
Rachel laughed. Truer words were never spoken.
The older woman’s gaze darted around the sanctuary. “By the way, where is that handsome fiancé of yours? I don’t think I’ve seen him this morning.”
Somehow, Rachel managed to keep the smile on her face. “I’m not sure. We were supposed to meet here.”
Though the evening hadn’t ended on a particularly high note, she’d never thought Jay would stand her up.
Gladys’s gaze narrowed. “Did you two have a spat?”
Rachel could feel warmth creep up her neck. She shook her head. “No.”
“Where is he then?” Gladys demanded.
“I don’t know.” To Rachel’s dismay a tiny hitch sounded in her voice. She prayed Gladys hadn’t noticed.
“He probably has one of those clock radios like mine,” Gladys said, her tone surprisingly reassuring. “Probably works just as well, too.”
Rachel wondered if it could be that simple. Had Jay merely overslept?
“Henry wasn’t here, either,” Rachel said, almost to herself. “And he rarely misses church.”
“Give ’em a call,” Gladys urged. “It’s nearly noon. Those two should be up and going by now. You can use the telephone in the church office.”
“I’ve got my cell.” Rachel reached into her purse and pulled out the phone.
Gladys’s eyes narrowed again. Apparently, the older woman’s dislike of technology extended far beyond her clock radio.
“I hate it when those ring during the service,” Gladys said pointedly. “It’s extremely rude.”
“I agree.” Rachel wondered sheepishly if Gladys was remembering the time Rachel had forgotten to turn hers off and had gotten a call during Tony’s sermon. “That’s why on Sunday mornings I don’t even turn mine on.”
Rachel hit the Power-On button and tinny classical music filled the air.
“It’s telling me I have a message,” Rachel said in response to Gladys’s puzzled look.
“I’ll bet it’s from Jay,” Gladys said excitedly, “telling you why he’s not here. Aren’t you going to listen?”
The way the older woman was eyeing the phone, Rachel had the feeling Gladys would have snatched it out of her hands and checked the message herself if she’d known how to do it.
“I will,” Rachel said. “Unfortunately I don’t have time right now. I need to catch Dottie before she leaves.”
Flashing Gladys a bright smile, Rachel took off through the crowd before the older woman could stop her. The last thing she wanted was to call Jay—or even listen to his message—with Gladys hovering nearby, listening to every word, ready to grill her the minute she hung up.
Rachel chatted with Dottie for a several minutes before heading for the privacy of her car. Once inside the small import, Rachel dialed her voice mail and breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of Jay’s voice.
“Hey, babe, it’s me. Listen, I’m not going to be in church today. Last night when I got home there was a message on the machine. They fired my fill-in and Hugh wants me back on the air Monday morning. He’s arranged for an early flight out of Des Moines. Dad and I are on our way to the airport now. I’ll call you when I get to L.A. And, Rachel, I love you.”
Her heart warmed briefly at his words before it hit her.
He’s gone.
Rachel felt sick to her stomach, sick clear through to her soul. He’d captured her heart and now he was gone. And the worst of it was she had no idea when she’d see him again.
She immediately chided herself, reminding herself this was what she’d wanted. It was a blessing Jay had left when he did. After all, the longer he stayed, the harder it would have been to let him go.
If only she could get her aching heart to agree with that logic, she’d be set.
Chapter Nineteen
Rachel pulled into a space in front of the Grateful Bread Café and shoved the car into Park. Though the last thing she felt like doing was making small talk over pecan streusel coffee cake, she’d promised Dottie she’d stop by.
Heaving a resigned sigh, Rachel forced a smile to her face and grabbed her bag from the seat. But before she could open the door, the William Tell Overture started to play from deep inside her purse.
Her heart skipped a beat.
Jay.
She fumbled for the phone, finally pulling it free.
“Hello,” she said, her voice sounding breathless.
“Good morning.”
A surge of emotion so strong it brought tears to her eyes rushed through Rachel at the sound of Jay’s voice.
“It’s not morning any longer,” she said lightly, blinking rapidly. “It’s already afternoon.”
Jay laughed. “Well, it’s still morning here in California and I’m ready for a nap.”
“How early did you fly out?” Even as she asked, Rachel wondered why she was talking about such inconsequential things when there were so many more important things to discuss. She absently twisted the diamond on her finger.
“5:15,” Jay said. “We left for the airport at 2:30.”
It had been well after midnight when Jay had left her house so he couldn’t have slept more than an hour or two. “I can see why you’re tired.”
“I’ll survive the lack of sleep,” Jay said. “But I’m not sure I’ll survive not seeing you every day. I miss you already.”
Rachel smiled into the phone and the tightness gripping her heart began to ease.
“I wish you were here,” she said. “The old town isn’t the same without you.”
“I’ll be back before you know it,” he said.
It wouldn’t be before she knew it—it would be Thanksgiving. And that was four months away. An eternity, no matter how you looked at it, and way too long to continue a silly charade.
Rachel’s gaze dropped to her left hand, to the diamond she’d grown to love but now had to give up. “Jay, about the engagement—”
“Can I call you later?” he asked in a hurried tone. “I still need to get my luggage and grab a cab.”
Rachel paused, not sure whether to be relieved or upset by the delay.
“Rachel?”
“I’m still here.”
“Remember one thing.”
Her fingers tightened around the receiver. “What’s that?”
“I love you, babe. I really do.”
Jay clicked off the phone and heaved a relieved sigh. She loved him. He could hear it in her voice. He still had a chance. It might not be a big one, but he’d take what he could get.
When he’d gotten the message from Hugh late last night, his first inclination had been to call Rachel. It was only natural. After all, for two months they’d shared everything. But last night she’d turned down his proposal and tried to give back his ring. She’d been in the breakup mood. That’s why instead of calling her, he’d packed his bags.
He didn’t want her to make any hasty decisions. Above all, he wanted the ring to still be on her finger when he left town. The way he saw it, as long as she was wearing it, there was still a possibility she’d marry him and move to L.A.
But if she gave it back and told everyone in town they’d broken up, the chance of that happening was nonexistent.
No, the diamond needed to stay on her finger. Until he could convince her it should stay there for keeps.
The look in her eyes told Jay that the wedding of one of his co-workers to her longtime friend had put his former girlfriend in a romantic mood. It had been Jay’s experience that these occasions brought out such emotions in women. That’s why he’d come to the wedding stag.
But he hadn’t been alone for long. He’d run into Lindsay in the parking lot and before he knew it, they were walking in and being seated together.
When he’d told her he was engaged, she’d just laughed as if he’d said something funny and told him how handsome he looked in Armani.
Lindsay was wearing a black silk halter dress that reminded Jay more of a slip than a dress. But she wore it well and judging from all the admiring glances she was garnering, there were any number of guys who would gladly take his place at her side. But the only woman on Jay’s mind tonight was Rachel.
“I don’t think my fiancée would approve.” Jay kept his tone deliberately light and softened his refusal with a smile.
“I’ve got a suggestion.” Lindsay leaned close and Jay caught a whiff of expensive perfume as a perfectly manicured nail traveled up the front of his shirt. “Don’t tell farm girl. It can be our little secret.”
“She’s not a farm girl.” The minute the words left his mouth Jay wondered why he’d even bothered. Lindsay was firmly convinced everyone who lived in Iowa farmed and nothing he said was going to change her mind. “And Rachel and I don’t keep secrets from each other.”
“Oh, puh-leeze.” Lindsay straightened in her seat and brushed a tiny piece of lint from the front of her bodice, her fingers lingering on the lace edging. “Everyone has secrets. It’s only natural. I’m sure Roxanne—”
“Rachel,” Jay interjected.
“Whatever.” Lindsay waved a dismissive hand. “Anyway, as I was saying, I’m sure your sweetie has secrets of her own.”
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