The Letters of Noel Coward

by Noel Coward

  To Cole (June n, 1963):

  I wrote to poor Valerie just to send her my love and tell her that I was thinking of her. I said that although I didn't know all the ins and outs of the situation, etc., and then added in brackets, “Perhaps this could have been more happily put!” Now I rather wish I hadn't made that dear little joke. However, the letter has gone and she'll have to rise above it. I must say that Jack Profumo has behaved like the cunt-ette of all time … I think that people are getting sillier and sillier as the sparks fly upward and it will serve everybody bloody well right when the sparks begin to fly downward.

  To Lorn, he added: “All we need now is for John Gordon [the notoriously puritanical editor of the Sunday Express] to be caught with a Guardsman of eighteen. I can't wait!”

  Noël continued to observe the shenanigans from Jamaica, and writing to Joyce:

  August 28, 1963

  I expect by now the Wretched [Stephen] Ward is dead. He was sinking this morning according to The Gleaner, I'm not particularly sorry for him, because I think he was a smarmy horror but oh—as you say—those ghastly girls! I think I hate “Mandy Rhys Cardboard” (or “Mandy Rice Pudding”) the most. What a squalid, conceited nasty little slut. Who I should like to know invited her to The Film Pre-myeer of Cleo [Cleopatra] and to the party afterwards? She was wearing a dress that she had made herself—and it looked like it. What is England coming to? … I did like her fainting dead away on hearing of Rachman's [her slum landord lover's] death and then opening her eyes and saying “Did he leave a Will?”

  Lorn found the whole business hard to believe: “There can't be all this hullabaloo over two pennyworth of Rogering.”

  But there was, and it proved to be critical to the downfall of the Macmillan government later that year.

  In his Diary entry for September 14, Noël would reflect: “Our history, except for stupid, squalid, social scandals, is over … Now my unhappi-ness is impersonal, then [during the war] it was personal. Then I was worried about being away when great things were happening. Now I know that it didn't matter. This is a more desolate unhappiness.”

  •

  A LOWER-KEY but more positive note was struck that spring when the London suburban Hampstead Theatre Club decided to revive Private Lives, The production received surprisingly ecstatic reviews from the major critics and was soon transferred to the Duke of York's Theatre in the West End proper, where it ran for 212 performances. Unrecognized as such—except later in retrospect—its success marked the beginning of what Noël would come to call “Dad's Renaissance.”

  •

  BIRTHDAY ODE

  WITH LOVE FROM MASTER MARCH 6TH 196?

  Coley now is fifty-four,

  Creaking on towards three score.

  Blow the trumpets, bang the drums.

  Aching joints—receding gums,

  Upper plate and lower plate

  Wretchedly inadequate.

  Hacking cough and thinning hair,

  Hernias almost everywhere.

  Weathered like an ancient oak,

  Pressing on toward a stroke.

  Short of breath—all passion spent

  Arteries hardening like cement.

  Shout Hosanna—shout Hooray

  Coley's fifty-four today.

  •

  One cannot help but feel that Noël stretched himself painfully thin during 1963. Back in January he had been approached by composer Hugh Martin and lyricist Timothy Gray with a revised proposal to produce a musical version of Blithe Spirit, In fact, their proposal was more than just the usual outline—they had composed most of the score under the title Paster Than Sound—and to his great surprise, Noël found that he liked what he heard a great deal. He gave the team his blessing and even agreed to direct the piece.

  Martin (b. 1915) was a highly respected composer who had worked on Broadway and later, mainly in Hollywood, with Ralph Blane (1914— 1993) on such films as Judy Garland's Meet Me in St. Louis (1945). In fact, this was not the first time he had approached Noël with the idea.

  In March 1953 Martin is writing to express the emotions he felt on seeing the Gertrude Lawrence memorial exhibition at the Museum of the City of New York:

  Next to Gertie herself it is you who dominate the small room. There is a cute letter from you advising her not to overact in Pygmalion, There are innumerable mentions of you by G.L. herself and her friends … I enjoyed seeing you listed as one of “3 Angels of Light” and one of “6 School Children” in Hannele,

  But it was the photographs of you that fascinated me. Watching you evolve from the ravishing young juvenile of “Rain Before Seven” and “Baggy Maggy”—through the matinee idol of Private Lives and TA.8:30—into something more beautiful than either: the sardonic, sentimental, sophisticated gentleman in the photograph Miss Lawrence kept so close to her pretty head when she was making up for The King and I, All in all, quite a show, and it was rather wicked of you to steal it from such a very blithe spirit …

  Then it becomes clear that there have been several earlier conversations on a possible adaptation:

  Speaking of B.S., I decided not to announce it; I sensed a certain feeling from your cable that you thought I was being premature and so I was.

  Must confess, though, that in a dazzling flash of brilliance the other night I found the device I'd been searching for that will bridge it into a musical—will save it till I see you. (I don't relish it being vetoed by the Jamaican set before it's even worked out in my own mind.)

  The device he was contemplating was to set the piece in Jamaica, with the hero, Charles Condomine, more closely based on Noël himself. Ruth would be played by Kay Thompson and Elvira by Judy Garland, a close friend of Martin's since Meet Me in St. Louis, and an even closer friend of Noël's.

  To Martin's chagrin, Noël most emphatically did not approve of what he considered tampering with his work in this way.

  JULY 1ST

  JACK'S LETTER JUST RECEIVED TRIED PHONE YOU TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED BUT YOU'RE CAPTAIN PLEASE THINK OF JAMAICA AS MERE NEW FRAME ENCLOSING UNTAMPERED WITH MASTERPIECE JUDY GARLAND SO EXCITED AND ADORES JAMAICA IDEA AS I DO YOU

  HUGH

  A few days later not even the prospect of having Judy Garland appear in the show prevented a Coward veto:

  July 15th 1953

  Dear Noël,

  Your cable along with Jack's letter arrived this morning and was THE shock of a career checkered with them. I should probably wait a day or two and write a less emotional letter, but I feel so badly that getting this off is almost a physical necessity.

  Probably one of the reasons I am not commercially in the Berlin-Porter-Rodgers category is that I never do a project unless I am terribly in love with it and this only happens to me every few years … I only mention this, because it's unlikely that it would happen again so soon, even though the script were written by my very favorite writer of all time, and I think you know me well enough by now to know that I mean this literally.

  The musical Blithe Spirit would have been the most enchanting show possible—I still can't believe that you have let lawyers and agents talk you out of it. Incidentally, I am convinced that it would have made a terrible lot of money—more for you personally than revivals of the straight play would have netted you. As you undoubtedly know, there is nothing more remunerative than a really successful musical.

  If a revival of the play were done, it seems to me that that would knock out the idea of doing a musical of it once and for all. The reason the time is so ripe for it now is that a good ten years have passed since the original was seen.

  As far as your objection to putting it in Jamaica is concerned, I made it clear that I would abide by your decision.

  Perhaps, stupidly, I have turned down several offers to write shows and films, some of which were very interesting and could have been quite important to me. Feeling secure in the blessing you gave us, I always said that I was sorry but that I had already started work on Blithe Spirit, Everyone in New York knows
I was on the project and I have already done quite a bit of work on it. It never occurred to me to ask you for anything in writing, especially after a remark you made to Jack in connection with the Norman Wisdom show. You told him that although he had signed nothing, he was morally obligated to do the show, since he had said he would. You cited as an example the fact that you had never had a contract with Binky.

  I suppose there is nothing more to be said and perhaps I shouldn't have said this much but you might as well know, as you must have suspected, how very crushed and disappointed I am.

  As a consolation prize, Noël had offered Martin another property—the unproduced 1947 play Long Island Sound.

  I read Long Island Sound and I think it is without a doubt one of the funniest plays you or anyone else has written. I would never have thought of it as a musical if you hadn't done so first, because to me it would seem that its great success would result from not letting its rapid fire, relentlessly witty cross talk be interrupted by songs or anything else.

  Add to this the fact that, with the exception of Pal Joey, I can't think of a successful musical comedy which had, as your play does, only one sympathetic character. That is not to say that with the enormous advantage of a script by you as a springboard, the three of us couldn't bring it off, because I am sure we could. Not only could, but will if you say the word. I am a much better writer than I am a decider anyway. I am more than willing to leave this decision up to you and just take orders, which I shall do superbly.

  Let's talk about the film M-G-M wants to make about your life. I am dying to hear if your reaction was anything other than scornful indignation. I think it would be kind of exciting myself. Heaven knows it's a fabulous story and Metro does make the best screen musicals in the world.

  Other than getting a very spectacular garland from Garland, I haven't seen the lady for a few days so haven't been able to relay your love. But I shan't forget.

  Did you know that California flowers, with the exception of one or two isolated types, have no fragrance? Don't you think this is rather symbolic?

  I do hope Princess Margaret gets to marry that good looking Attache or Equerry or whatever he is. I was secretly hoping she would marry Eddie Fisher and I think he was too!

  I am enclosing a clipping from The New Yorker about you which you have undoubtedly already seen. I love their description of you [in The Apple Cart], “wearing a streamlined uniform and perfectly timing a lot of crisp Coward lines that happen to have been written by Shaw!”

  And there matters rested for the best part of a decade.

  By mid-year, with the title now changed to High Spirits, preparations were well under way. Noël took a close interest in the casting. Tammy Grimes became the first choice. To Joyce (July 19):

  The cast is coming along a treat. Celeste Holm [who was eventually replaced by Louise Troy], Edward Woodward (lovely voice), Beattie [Beatrice Lillie] and Tammy Grimes. Personally, I think she'll be wonderful and provide a nice bit of competition for Lady Peel who, incidentally, is of the same opinion.

  “Why, isn't that Bea Lillie pretending to be Madame Arcati?” Noël and Tammy Grimes in a rather posed pose.

  To Gladys (same date):

  I had lunch with Beattie today who looked wonderful and was almost completely incoherent! I've started her learning Madame Arcati now. She ought to know the first scene by January.

  To Lorn (August 2):

  Blithe Spirit looks to me as though it might be even a bigger success than The Girl Who Came to Supper, Timothy Gray has done a really brilliant job on the script over which I have complete control, should it be necessary. He has very cleverly remained faithful to my original dialogue but the whole shape is quite different from Blithe Spirit as was and I shall add to or subtract from his additional dialogue wherever I see fit.

  By the turn of the year, The Girl Who Came to Supper had arrived—for good or ill—and Noël was now free to “gird my fascinating loins” and concentrate on High Spirits.

  To Joyce (January 19, 1964):

  I am now plunged full fathom five into High Spirits, Beattie is AGONY but, of course, has moments of brilliance. She is also trying like mad and is very touching. Eventually she will be wonderful as Beatrice Arcati but she has no memory at all and rehearsals are torture. However, tonight she suddenly emerged and gave a performance … She can't act at all and yet—and yet—she is a great star. The cast is brilliant. Tammy, the closest “Elvira” to Katie Hammond and sings like a dream. Woodward wonderful as Charles and also sings beautifully, Louise Troy as Ruth is fine—lovely looks, good hard quality, and good voice. The musical numbers excellent particularly the “Trance” number which is pure Maskelyne and Devant [famous stage magicians of the Victorian era]! I have little doubt that it will be a big hit. We have two big stars who go all through the show whereas in Girl Who C, to S, we only have Tessie who is on for nine minutes.

  By February they are in tryout at Boston's Colonial Theatre and Noël is bringing Joyce up to date on progress—and lack of it:

  The show is going wonderfully but I am not deceived. Up to now it is almost good. The book holds it together but the book is thrown by Beattie who just can't do it at all … Not only can't she act but she can't remember two consecutive lines. All she occasionally remembers are one or two unfunny interpolations of her own. What we all hoped was that even though we had to sacrifice Madame Arcati we should at least get Beatrice Lillie. Unhappily we only get her in sporadic flashes—the rest is death and age and the clanging of funeral chimes. Last night an understudy went on for Ruth (excellent) and had to prompt Milady several times. It's all a jolly out of Town nightmare. The critics rave, etc. We shall see.

  Tammy Grimes sings marvelously and flies more marvelously than anyone I have ever seen. She really is brilliant. Teddy Woodward charming as Charles, not quite a star but a beautiful actor with a delightful singing voice. Louise Troy as Ruth is harsh and beautiful to look at and I have a tiny suspicion that she enjoys the company of her own sex. Both the Bradmans and Edith are fine. The sets with the exception of two are mediocre and a bit tatty. The dresses good. The music good. The lyrics fairly good, particularly the ones the prettiest and best has tampered with.

  From the outset Tammy Grimes was anxious to please the Master and make up for Lulu.

  November 21st

  My dearest Noël:

  Received firmly packed box of terribly English-looking frozen “stick makeup”. I must say I adore the colors. I haven't the vaguest idea where to put what on my face. I realize that you are a genius and, of course, would know exactly what to do, but I am sitting here waiting, dear heart, for some kind of direction as to where the lavender goes.

  Something way down deep inside does tell me where to apply the black-eye-liner, but I would appreciate it very much if, while you are sitting there, basking in the sun, and I am standing here freezing in the cold, some glimpse or direction as to how to apply these wondrous colors dans ma visage.

  It is practically impossible to write anything anymore ever to anybody again because I am so tired, because I want to be oh so very much the most fantastic half grand, half tatty, everything that a bs (no darling, Blithe Spirit) should be.

  Godspeed …

  Lloyds of London has insured me, so when I die up there on that bloody rod you don't have to sell your Island, your grand estate or your pink and white striped jeep.

  Ever thine,

  TAM

  The problem continued to be Bea Lillie's inability to learn her lines. In sheer frustration Noël wrote to Lorn from Boston (February 20):

  Beatrice Lillie is a cunt

  No matter what you've heard

  Beatrice Lillie is a cunt

  And doesn't know a word,

  Beatrice Lillie is a Twat

  Whatever news you've had

  Beatrice Lillie is a Twat

  Who's driving Master mad.

  And to Gladys (same date):

  What with trying to coax Beattie to say one line co
rrectly, it has all been rather hectic … It is agony to watch her. Once or twice there is an echo of her old genius but they are rare. She tries so hard to be funny that I have to slip into a strait] acket whenever she comes on … She has had it. Anno Domini department. Tonight I retired to the lobby and jumped up and down … But she gets rave notices! Oh dear, oh dear, two major musicals in a row are a weeny bit exhausting but my strength is as the strength of ten on account of my heart being pure.

  At the time he was not to know that Lillie was in the early stages of Alzheimer's, the disease that was to halt her career and devastate the last two decades of her life.

  On March 24 he could write to Joyce that:

  The nightmare is nearly over. It has been a curious experience. Beat-tie, although fairly fiendish with everyone else, has been very docile with me. She now knows it—roughly—cannot act it but—and it's a very big BUT—creates a certain beguiling magic which enchants the audience and even me! Tammy, who belongs to modern Theatre, as opposed to our Traditional kind, retired to hospital for a week with what we are told was a hairline fractured rib but which turned out to be self-induced hysteria brought on by Beattie getting the rave notices. She is now back again and merry as a grig. The sets are horrid but are being improved. Teddy Woodward is excellent and a saint. Louise Troy very good as Ruth but inclined to snarl. Gower Champion has been called in to re-do the choreography which badly needed it. He has already worked miracles and is a dear dear. I think it will probably be a hit but I'm too sick of it to care much.

  Madame Arcati (Bea Lillie) en route to create ectoplasmic havoc for the Condomines.

  Before the show reached the Alvin Theatre on April 4 Champion had taken over complete artistic control. An exhausted Noël noted in his Diaries: “I took on far too much. I am sick of High Spirits and everyone connected with it. I think, galvanized by Gower, it may be a success. At any rate, I have done all I can do.” And, so saying, he made a grateful exit to his beloved Jamaica.