by Hayden Hunt
For a moment, he turned to go out, but then he quickly flipped on his heel and pushed me against the wall, forcing his mouth against mine.
I was so shocked for a moment that I didn’t react right away. I couldn’t even process what was happening, Was he really kissing me right now?!
I pushed him off me, hard.
“What in the actual fuck are you doing?!”
“I know what this is. I know it’s all a lie to get me to be jealous. And it’s working, baby. I know you really want this. I know you want me.”
“I fucking do not! Don’t ever put your fucking hands on me again.”
“I don’t want to lie anymore, baby. Let’s just leave off where we started…” He started to step toward me again, and I backed up into the house.
“Touch me again, and I call the cops. Don’t get off my property in the next five seconds, and I’ll call the cops. Fucking leave!”
I slammed the door in his face, and, to my surprise, he didn’t knock. He didn’t make another effort to get back in. After literally leaning in and kissing me, this was quite the shock.
But I was grateful. I needed this to be over.
It was obvious that the only reason Josh hadn’t contacted me earlier was that he’d thought the longer he waited, the more desperate I’d become. So I had to hope, now that he knew it really wasn’t going to happen, he’d finally get the fuck over it.
And he needed to leave, like, right this second, because Gene could be here any minute. And I didn’t want him to see Josh. Fuck, how would that look?
The boy is downright terrified that he’s going to be a rebound, and I’m eventually just going to go back to my ex. And then to see my ex right on my doorstep again… Yeah, that’d ruin things. I’m sure of it.
I was still in total shock from what had just happened. I was doing my best to shake it off before Gene arrived. I’d probably have to tell him what happened, especially if he wanted to enter a serious relationship, but I had no idea how I would without making him insecure.
I just had to be honest and hope for the best, though. It wasn’t going to help anything to lie about it. That’s not the way I wanted to start our relationship. It was not the foundation I wanted to go on.
I was serious about Gene. More serious than I’d been about anyone else, and I was going to prove that with my actions, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. And if he was insecure, I’d tell him exactly that. That I’m only telling him because I care about him so much and want to be honest. But not because I actually have any feelings for my ex.
I’m sure I’ll be able to explain everything to him. Now, I just need to wait for him to arrive.
8
Gene
This is it, this is the night. I am finally going to make my relationship official with Eli.
I’ve made him wait long enough for this. While we’ve been dating, he’s been an absolute angel to me. I don’t want to keep dangling him along.
And for basically no reason, too. There’s literally no reason to make him wait to be with me. Nothing except my unfounded fears, which I’m finally ready to let go of.
I can’t ignore the fact that I’ve been pretty stupid lately. And I don’t just mean since the time I’ve been casually dating Eli. I’ve been stupid for a lot longer than that, it just took Eli to make me realize it.
I’ve been living life as if any guy I date is going to be my ex. Like every relationship leads to eventual heartache.
And it’s all bullshit. It’s not as if Eli has given me even the slightest reason to think he would ever hurt me. On the contrary, he’s been a complete gentleman.
I have fallen so deeply head over heels for the boy. I’ve been trying not to show it, though, for fear of rejection. Even though he’s done literally everything he can to make me feel comfortable and happy and cared for.
It’s all going to end today, though. I’m tired of hiding my feelings, tired of living a life where I never experience love the way I want. Tonight, it’s all going to become real. And I’m more excited than I am scared.
For our date night tonight, I’d told Eli that I want to meet at his house. It’s the first time I’ll be there since we’d first decided to take things slow. And I want to make sure we’re in a private place when I tell him I want to be with him so we can fuck after, of course.
I arrived at his house a little early and parked on the street. I was just walking up the sidewalk when a car pulled up in the driveway and got out.
I didn’t recognize the guy at first, and, for a minute, I looked down at my watch to make sure I had the time right. I thought maybe I had gotten confused. Like, maybe Eli had a friend coming over today, too, but I knew he wouldn’t ask us to be here at the same time. And I knew he wouldn’t accidentally forget about either of us – he was very punctual and reliable.
The guy coming out of his truck hadn’t noticed that I was the car parked on the street. I think he thought I was just some guy walking down the sidewalk. He waved and said hi to me.
“Hello,” I said quickly.
“Are you new to the neighborhood?” he asked perkily.
“Uh, no, just visiting a friend,” I said nervously, a little confused.
“Oh, I see, I was on vacation for a while, so I thought I might have missed someone moving in.”
“No… No, not me anyway.” I said nervously, as I got back into my car.
I was so damned confused. Who was this guy? This was Eli’s house, I was sure of it. I may not have driven here in a few weeks, but I wouldn’t forget.
I jumped back in my car immediately and started to drive off. I don’t even know why I reacted that way so fast; I just felt the sudden urge to escape a potentially awkward situation. Though, I still wasn’t even sure what was going on.
I didn’t go far, though. Once I was a few houses down, I pulled a U-turn and parked. As my mind was processing things, it went to a dark place.
That guy was acting like he lived at the that house so… what if he did? What if he had actually been in a relationship with Eli this whole time? He said he was on vacation…. so he must have been gone this whole time Eli and I have been hooking up.
Oh my god, could that be right? Could Eli have lied to me? If he had, he’s a damn convincing liar.
Eli also said he had a crazy ex, though. Maybe this guy actually did see me pull up, and, in an effort to get me to leave, acted like he still lived there and was still Eli’s man?
I definitely wouldn’t put it past a crazy ex to do something like that. But, he also didn’t seem crazy. He seemed genuinely like he was just coming home and kindly greeting a potential neighbor. I didn’t know what to believe.
But I’d soon figure it out. I was able to see Eli’s front door from where I was siting in my car, but Eli couldn’t see me. At least, not without actually trying to look around, which I doubt he’d do.
I watched the man who had pulled up in the driveway walk toward the house. Very quickly, Eli answered the door.
They started talking for a minute. Okay, that’s good, he didn’t just come inside, so… that’s gotta be good, right?
I couldn’t hear what they were saying, though. For all I knew, they were standing in the doorway exchanging I’ve-missed-yous. Or, Eli could be asking him why he’s back so early… because if this guy is his boyfriend, he obviously isn’t supposed to be here tonight, or Eli would have never invited me over.
After a minute of them talking, I was starting to feel a wave of relief that he still hadn’t walked in… but, then it happened. Eli went back into the house, and the guy followed him.
Holy shit, was this really happening?! No, okay, this can’t be right. I can’t be this naive. Please, god, tell me I haven’t fallen for another fucking con-artist?!
But it had to be true. If that was really his ex like Eli claimed he was, he never would have let him inside! Something here just wasn’t fucking right.
I should have left right then. But, for some reason, I couldn’t
bring myself to leave. Maybe it was because I was so goddamn devastated or maybe I was just waiting for some evidence that this wasn’t actually real.
That’s the exact opposite of what I got. I should have left when I had the chance. Because what I saw next not only confirmed my worst fears, but also nauseated me while doing so.
I saw the door open up, and, for a moment, I was happy, because, hey, maybe he was lying. Maybe Eli is kicking him out now. That might make sense, maybe he only let him in to pick up some old stuff or something… I don’t know, I was rationalizing in basically any way that I could.
But then, right when I was starting to let myself got excited, I saw him lean in and fucking kiss Eli.
What in the actual fuck, man?!
That was it, I’d seen enough. I immediately decided to leave right then and there before I got myself even more hurt. I turned my car off made a U-turn so Eli wouldn’t see me and sped off.
I can’t believe after all that talk about being different, after he’d told me over and over again that he wasn’t going to hurt me the way my ex had, he’d been cheating on me the whole time?!
Even worse, cheating on his live-in boyfriend who he’s been with for years? How heartless was he? I get that we’ve only been dating a few weeks, but I don’t understand how he could do that to someone he’s loved for years.
He wasn’t the man I thought he was. And I was kicking myself for ever thinking he could be…
This was fucking it, man. I was trying so hard to avoid this pain, and it was happening to me all over again. I wasn’t going to get over this a second time. I was giving up on men. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, and the only way to avoid getting hurt is to avoid romance altogether. Maybe it’s not the healthiest way to deal with the pain, but it’s the only thing I can think of.
Because here I am, driving back to my house, crying my eyes out. And, oddly enough, this actually hurts more than it did with my long-term boyfriend.
I had fucking feelings for Eli that I never have had with anybody else. I’d thought he was the real fucking deal. I thought me and him were…
No, I’m not going to even fucking say it. I’m not going to think it. It hurts too much. I’m just going to drive away and try to leave what I saw in the rearview.
But I know that I can’t.
9
Eli
I hadn’t heard from Gene in days, and I was starting to get really worried.
He never showed up at my house the other night, and I’m not sure why. But I think something bad must have happened to him, because I can’t see a reason he just wouldn’t show up without a word.
Still, because we had only ben dating a few weeks, I didn’t feel comfortable with doing anything right away. Had we been in an official relationship, I would have showed up at his house the night he didn’t show up just to check on him. But, since we’re not, I feel like I have to keep my distance.
I can’t do that anymore, though. My concern was growing too great at this point. Obviously, I know where he lives, I’ve picked him up several times to head out on dates. It shouldn’t be hard at all to just drop by and check in to make sure he’s okay.
Though, I really don’t believe he’s home. It sounds dark, but I’m convinced he’s in a hospital somewhere after some bad accident, unable to talk or tell anyone to get a hold of me. I mean, really, that’s the only scenario I can imagine. What else could it be?
It’s not like he really is just ignoring me, right?! That’d be crazy. He’d have to be pissed at me to do something like that, and I know I haven’t done anything to piss him off. I’ve been a perfect angel throughout this entire relationship. What could he be mad about?
There is always the chance that he simply decided he didn’t want to date me anymore, that he wasn’t interested, but I had a hard time seeing that, too. And not just because he seems really, really into me, though he does, but because he is a genuinely nice guy. Not the kind of guy who would just stop talking to you and never let you know that he no longer wants to keep dating. I truly believe that if he wanted things to end, he’d tell me himself.
I don’t think he wants things to end, though. I can’t picture it. I mean, I had been sure a few days ago that he was going to ask me to start an official relationship with him. I see the way he looks at me, and there’s no way my feelings aren’t reciprocated.
I decided I would head over to his house around six, the time that he’d normally be getting home from work. Again, I really wasn’t expecting him to be there, but I was hopeful that I’d at least find some information. Maybe one his neighbors could tell me where he’s gone.
To my surprise, when I got there, his car was in the driveway. Okay, a little weird, but that doesn’t mean he’s here, so I won’t let myself get too excited.
I walked up to the door, car keys in hand, and knocked loudly before waiting for someone to answer.
My jaw dropped when, after about a minute, Gene came to the door.
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. “You’re here. You’re okay!”
I was immediately filled with elation. He was here, he was okay, there had been no accident.
Then, my joy suddenly shifted to confusion because, if he was here and fine, why hadn’t he called me? Why hadn’t he showed up? And, then when I realized what that must mean, I began to get very nauseated.
“Well, I live here,” he said coldly.
Okay, that confirmed the fear that just washed over me. So he was pissed at me… He was ignoring me on purpose.
“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls?” I asked quickly. “Why didn’t you end up coming over?”
“I did come over,” he said bluntly, “which should tell you why I didn’t answer any of your calls.”
Okay, I wasn’t following.
“No… You didn’t… I was there all night, and you never came.”
I was starting to feel like I was going crazy. Was he right? Did he actually come and I’d forgotten? Did I do something horrible to him while he was over? Did I have some weird amnesia thing going on?
That was the only explanation I could think of, though I’m sure it wasn’t true. But, why else would he insist so vehemently that he had in fact come over?
“Yeah, I did. You didn’t see me, but I saw you.”
Alright, so I wasn’t going crazy, but I still didn’t get it.
“Look, I’m really confused so you’re going to have to explain…”
He sighed. “I don’t feel like it. Goodbye, Eli,” he said, as he began to shut the door. I immediately put my foot in the doorway to stop him.
“No, wait, Gene! What the hell is going on? You have to at least talk go me!”
“No! I don’t! Why should I be upfront and honest with you when you weren’t able to ever do the same thing for me?!”
“What are you talking about?! I’ve always been upfront and honest with you!”
“Cut the bullshit, Eli. I know, I know everything, so you can just stop.”
“Know everything about what?! Gene, I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. There must be some kind of misunderstanding…”
“No, what I saw was very clear.”
“What you saw…?”
I racked my brain to think about what he possibly could be mad about, and then it hit me.
“Wait… did Josh say something to you?”
“Is that what his name is, Josh?”
“My ex?”
“Your ex?!” he snapped. “You’re going to still call him that!?”
“Yes! That’s what he is! If he told you differently than I swear to god, Gene, he’s a fucking liar!”
“Oh yeah?! I don’t think he lied, Eli! He didn’t even know who I was! How would he know to lie to me?! And he didn’t say anything, except that he lived there, in your house. He thought I was a new neighbor.”
“He said that?!” I gasped. “What the fuck, he never even lived there! I was bugging him to move in for weeks before we broke up!”
“Cut the crap, Eli,” he rolled his eyes.
“It’s the truth! I swear to god, Gene. He never lived in that house with me.”
“So, what? He never lived with you, but you’re still seeing each other?” he asked.
“No! No, we’re not seeing each other. Of course not, I wouldn’t do that to you. I like you so much, more than I ever cared about him—”
He rolled his eyes. “Then why the hell did he walk into your house?”
I froze, I totally understood now.
“You saw that?” I asked.
It’s not what I should have said, because, in a weird way, it implied guilt. Like he’d seen something I hadn’t wanted him to see. Which isn’t the case. If I’d known he’d seen, I would’ve explained a long time ago!
“Yeah, I saw that. I saw you allow him to walk into your house. So, don’t tell me that you aren’t still seeing him—”
“I’m not!” I cut him off, nearly yelling. Not because I was angry, but because I was desperate.
Right now, this all looked so bad. And I was going to potentially lose this man I’d fallen in love with, all over a fucking misunderstanding.
But I didn’t want to keep yelling in his doorway like this. No doubt his neighbors had already heard us arguing by now, and it was more than a little embarrassing.
“Look, can I just come in, Gene? I swear, I’ll explain everything.”
“No. You can’t,” he said coldly.
“Why not? I swear to god, I have an explanation for you.”
“Then tell it to me right here. I don’t want you to come in… despite my anger and disgust with you, I still have strong feelings for you, and I don’t want to let you come in just so you can manipulate those feelings. I don’t want to be tempted to kiss you or to forgive this major betrayal… I’m weak, I don’t know what I’ll do if I let you in this house, so you’ll just have to talk to me right here.”
“That’s the thing, you can be weak! You can let me kiss you, because there’s literally no reason not to!”
“See, that’s what I mean. I feel like you’re manipulating me already,” he said.
“I’m not!” Okay, I could see there was no way I was going to argue my way out of this. I was just going to have to explain it to him. “Look, my ex did come over the night that you were supposed to come. And, if I’d seen you afterward, I would have told you that. It wasn’t something I tried to hide. I seriously had no part in him coming over. He didn’t even warn me, he just showed up!”