Tapping out

by Nikki Ash

  I glance up at Bella. “Thank you for not aborting her. I can’t even imagine how scared you were and then I said all that shit, and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you would have had an abortion.”

  I raise Micaela up to my nose and sniff her. She has that baby scent newborns have. Chloe and Mackenzie both smelt the same way.

  I stand up and head over to the changing table to change her diaper. “I used to change all of Chloe’s diapers. My mom—when she came home from the hospital—sunk right into depression. Chloe’s dad had been killed in a drive-by shooting, and my mom, she just couldn’t handle it. She would smoke and drink all the time and I would take care of Chloe. I hated when I would have to go to school and Chloe would be left alone with my mom. Or when I would go to the gym, I would feel so guilty, but I was so young and I needed to get away sometimes. The best day of my life was the day Caleb saved us.”

  I button Micaela’s onesie bottom back up then rock her softly until her eyes flutter closed and she’s asleep. Wrapping her up gently in a blanket, I lay her down in her bassinet before I go back to sit down next to Bella. Grabbing her hand, I thread our fingers, needing the connection to ask the question I’ve been dreading. Bella flinches at my touch and I hate what’s become of us. What I’ve done to us.

  “I need to know… the night we made her” —I take a deep breath— “was I mean or rough with you?” I take another deep breath. “What I mean is, the night we…” I can’t even finish. Bella’s mouth opens to answer when the door closes shut. We both look at it, waiting to see if someone’s coming in but nobody is there.

  “You weren’t mean or rough.” She looks anywhere but at me, a sign she’s lying.

  “Belles, you can’t sugar coat it. One of the things my counselor said at our sessions is that I have to face and deal with everything I did while on drugs.”

  “You weren’t mean or rough. You just weren’t you. I should have known something was wrong with you. You said you missed me and needed me but it wasn’t like the night we were together in the cabin. You just got straight to it and then passed out.”

  “Fuck.” I release her hand, resting my elbows on my knees, my hands scrubbing my face. “I’m so sorry. Did I force you?”

  “No! No, we both wanted it. You reached for a condom and I thought you put it on. It was dark and I couldn’t see. It wasn’t until afterward I realized you… well you know.” She shrugs shyly.

  “I came in you.” Bella’s face and neck turn pink when I say that and I can’t help but chuckle. She looks so adorable embarrassed.

  “Yeah,” she sighs then laughs.

  “How did you know I came in you?” I ask just to fuck with her. Her face turns an even darker shade of pink and she grabs a pillow, lightly smacking me with it.

  “Shut up, Marco!”

  “Ok, ok.” I give her back her pillow. The nurse comes in and checks on Bella and Micaela and then another lady comes in.

  “Hey Bella, I’m about to leave for the night and was just wondering if you have filled out the paperwork, yet. If all goes well you will be discharged tomorrow.”

  Bella looks at her sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I haven’t. I promise I will tonight.”

  “Ok, dear. I will come back tomorrow morning to collect them.”

  “Thank you.”

  When the lady leaves, I ask, “What was that about?”

  “I have to fill out the paperwork for Micaela. For her birth certificate, social security number, and insurance. I should have filled them out earlier but I forgot with everything going on.”

  “Does she have insurance?” I didn’t even think about how much a hospital stay for a baby must cost.

  “Because I’m in school, I’m on my dad’s insurance so I’m covered but Micaela’s hospital stay isn’t covered. I have to fill out the paperwork for her to get insurance.”

  “Ok, we’ll handle it.” She looks at me skeptically. “Belles, she’s my responsibility as much as she is yours. Please let me help.”

  Bella averts her eyes and I know she’s keeping something from me but I’m not going to push it tonight.

  “How about I help you fill out those forms and then you can get some sleep?”

  “The baby might wake up.”

  “Have you been awake the entire time since she was born?”

  “No, I slept a few hours. My mom stayed awake. That’s why I sent them to the hotel. She was exhausted.”

  “Then you’ll sleep and I’ll keep an eye on her, but Bella, you know it’s ok to sleep. The baby’s cries will wake you.”

  “I know. I’m just not ready yet.” I hold back my laughter. She’s already a hundred times better of a mom than my biological mom was.

  I grab the papers and ask her each question, writing down the answers she tells me. When we get to the birth certificate form, I know this is going to be a tough one.

  “Name.”

  “Micaela.”

  I look up and she gives me a look of uncertainty. “Yes, but you need a middle and last name. Well, I guess just the last name. I don’t have a middle name.”

  “I was thinking Micaela Lizbeth after my mom. But if you want to maybe name her after your mom…”

  “Fuck no, your mom is amazing. Micaela Lizbeth is great. Now we just need a last name.”

  Bella doesn’t say anything for a minute, so I decide to let her off the hook, tell her the baby should have her last name, but before I can, she surprises me by saying, “Michaels.”

  “Look Bella…” I start to give her an out. Twenty-four hours ago, she didn’t even plan on me being in the baby’s life, let alone giving her my last name.

  “You’re her father. Unless, I mean—” she backtracks. “I guess we haven’t discussed anything really… I don’t know if you are planning to be in her life or to what extent.”

  “Bella, stop,” I say gently. “I am in her life as much as you’ll let me. I know this is all a shock but I want to be her father. I know we have a lot to figure out but I want to be her dad.”

  “Are you sure? Because you said your blood was tainted. I don’t believe that or agree, but Marco, I can’t have you calling yourself her dad then walking away from her down the line.”

  “Hey,” I say so she looks at me. “I would never ask to be a part of her life and then walk away. Yes, I was afraid of ending up like my biological parents. But one thing I learned in rehab is that we pave our own paths. I didn’t turn to drugs because my mom did them. I turned to them by choice. My father was a piece-of-shit drug dealer who used women but I am not going to be like him. I have a sponsor and I went to my first meeting today. I’m not saying shit will be perfect but I am not going to do drugs again.”

  “Ok, then I want her to have your last name. Micaela Lizbeth Michaels.”

  After we finish filling out the paperwork, Micaela wakes up to eat again, and once she’s done she passes right back out. I convince Bella to fall asleep as well and then I spend the night watching them sleep, and thank God for this second chance.

  Nineteen

  Bella

  I wake up and look over to see Marco passed out in the chair. The entire night he was helpful. Every time Micaela would wake up, he would hand her to me and then change her diaper before laying her back down. Surprisingly, I slept well in between feedings and feel refreshed. Well, as refreshed as a new mother can feel, anyway. I, at least feel less exhausted than yesterday.

  Micaela is still asleep, so I grab my phone from the nightstand to text Tristan since I haven’t heard from him but when I look up, I see him standing in the doorway.

  “Hey,” I say, putting my phone back. “How long have you been here?”

  Tristan steps in closer and I notice he has black circles under his eyes. His hair is a bit disheveled and if I’m not mistaken, he’s wearing the same clothes from yesterday.

  “Just a few minutes. We need to talk.” He walks closer to the bed.

  “Ok.” I’m not sure what Tristan is going to say but I know wh
atever’s coming my way, I deserve. I put him in a shitty situation. While, I was always upfront about not wanting to be a couple, he was one hundred percent committed to being Micaela’s father.

  “I know there’s nothing between us and I finally accept that, and while I am pissed you kept her paternity from me, I want you to come home. I want you to raise her in our apartment. I don’t trust Marco. He just got out of rehab. What if he relapses?”

  After my parents left I weighed all my options and came to a decision. “I’m moving back home.”

  “Good.” He nods.

  “No, I don’t think you understand. I am moving back home… to Las Vegas. My parents are going to help me raise Micaela. I want to finish school. I didn’t understand how important it was until I had her. I need to make sure I can provide for her. I want to train as well. I can’t move back in with you. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Bella...”

  “No, Tristan. You are one of the most selfless people I know. You have been my best friend for as far back as I can remember. You have always put me first but I’m not going to let you do this. You deserve to be happy, to find love, to have a damn life. I never should have put you in this position. I’m so sorry.”

  Tristan’s head drops and he sighs just as Marco clears his throat. Shit! I am such an idiot! I completely forgot about the guy sitting in the chair next to me, sleeping. I have no idea how much he heard until he says, “You’re moving to Las Vegas.” It’s not a question; he heard me.

  “Which is for the best,” Tristan adds. Marco stands up and I’m scared they are going to get into it again. Marco’s jaw and lip are already puffy from being hit by Tristan and my dad yesterday.

  “Deciding what’s best is between Bella and me.”

  “Marco,” I chide. “Don’t act like that.” I give him a warning glare and his eyes soften.

  “Are you serious right now? I’m pretty sure you lost the right to decide what’s best for either of them the day you told her she was dead to you.”

  “Tristan, that’s not fair,” I say. I’m stuck in the middle of these two guys battling over me and my daughter and I can’t help but feel guilty. We were all friends and our friendships have been destroyed.

  “I’ll give you that,” Marco calmly says. “I know I said some fucked up shit that I can’t take back but I am working on making it right, which starts and ends with being the man Bella and our daughter deserve. Here’s the thing, I respect the hell out of you for being protective of and caring for Bella and my daughter, and if you two were in love and wanted to be together, I would suck it up and be happy for you two.”

  I’m shocked by Marco’s admission and maybe even a little hurt that he would be ok with Tristan and me being together. I know Marco doesn’t see me the way I see him, but still…

  He continues. “I would live with it. I would co-parent the best I can with you, man. But you two aren’t together. You said it yourself. So, I don’t want to sound like an asshole but Micaela is my daughter and I’m here and Bella choosing to put my name on her birth certificate gives me the right to make decisions with her.”

  Tristan’s eyes shoot to mine in disbelief and maybe even a little bit of disappointment. Then Marco says, “Look at the bright side. Now you and Gina can be together.” Tristan’s look turns to confusion.

  “What the fuck does Gina have to do with this?”

  “She’s the one who told me about the baby, that she’s mine.”

  “What did you just say?” Tristan asks slowly.

  “She came to me three months ago and said I was the father. She showed me a letter Bella wrote to Micaela and it stated I was the dad. Gina said she knew you didn’t cheat on her and she asked me to take responsibility so you two could be together again. Something about you being hers.”

  Tristan turns to me. “You wrote the baby a letter letting her know who her father was? You were going to let me raise her with every intention of telling her one day Marco was her dad?”

  Oh shit. “No, that letter was in case I died. I read moms should write their babies letters and so I wrote one in case I died and Micaela wanted to know the truth. I never planned to just give it to her.”

  “This is un-fucking-believable. So, you knew you were the dad three months ago, yet you waited until she was born to make it known.”

  “No man, I didn’t want to go to Bella while I was on drugs. I called my dad and checked into rehab. I knew I needed to be clean when I went to her. She wasn’t due for another four weeks. I thought I had time. I didn’t know she would give birth almost a month early.”

  “Holy shit,” Tristan laughs out humorlessly. “I can’t even deal with all this. Bella, if you choose to stay in the apartment, you know I won’t kick you out. Just let me know. If you are leaving, I need to look for another roommate.”

  Tristan walks toward Micaela and I hold my breath. “Goodbye pretty girl.” He brings two fingers to his lips and presses them to her forehead. Then he comes to the side of the bed and gives me a chaste kiss on my forehead. “I need some time, Bella.” His words sound a lot like goodbye.

  “Please tell me I’m not losing you, Tristan.”

  “Right now, I can’t tell you anything.”

  Hot tears prick my eyes as I nod my understanding. “Ok.”

  “Let me call you,” he says. The tears release and fly down my cheeks as my best friend walks out the door and out of my life.

  Twenty

  Marco

  Tristan leaves, slamming the door behind him, the sound reverberating through the walls waking Micaela. Bella quickly wipes her eyes and stands to grab our crying baby.

  “Wait, let me grab her for you,” I say as the data specialist walks in. it’s like this hospital room has a revolving door.

  “No, it’s ok. I need to walk around. I appreciate you helping me but you are making me lazy.” She gives me a small smile to try to hide the fact that she’s heartbroken her best friend just walked out the door literally and figuratively, and I can’t help feeling like it’s partially my fault.

  “Good morning! I’m just here to pick up the forms so we can update the chart,” the woman says.

  “Yes, I have them here for you.” I hand her the packet of papers and she smiles, thanking us before leaves.

  Bella sits on the couch feeding Micaela, I watch her stare out the window for a long time before I ask, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She turns to me and gives me another one of those fake smiles I hate. “No, I deserved it. I should have been honest with everyone from the beginning. I know Tristan needing space is for the best but it feels like a piece of me just walked out that door with him.”

  “He’s just upset right now and needs time.”

  “I know,” she agrees absentmindedly, focusing on Micaela.

  “You did what you felt was best given the circumstances. What I did, what I said, I put you in that position.”

  “But I chose how to handle it. I’m not some kid anymore. I’m a mother and I need to make better choices. Lying and keeping stuff from my family, from Tristan, it’s not ok.”

  We sit in silence for a while, and then I remember what she said to Tristan.

  “So… Las Vegas?”

  Bella’s eyes go wide. “I just think it’s for the best. Like I told Tristan, I want to finish school and I still have a few semesters left.”

  “What are you majoring in?”

  “It was a tough decision because as you know I just want to fight.”

  “And become a UFC champion,” I add.

  “Yeah.” She smiles. “But since I had to pick a major, I ended up going with Business Management. I know I can’t fight forever, and with the women’s division being so small; well I wanted to get a degree in something that will give me an opportunity to provide for Micaela.”

  “That makes sense. What are you planning to do with your degree?”

  “Well, I talked to my dad and he said he’s planning to step back from the gy
m sooner rather than later, spend some time with Nathan and Lilly since neither of them are into the gym, and spend more time with my mom.”

  “Ok…”

  “He said while I’m training, he would show me the ropes for me to take over the gym. Since the first time I stepped foot in that gym, it’s felt like my home away from home, you know.”

  “I know exactly what you mean.”

  “I was thinking I could move back and start learning, and with my degree in business management, I’m hoping it will provide me with ways to successfully run the gym.”

  “I get that, I do. But what I don’t get is why you asked me if I’m going to be in our daughter’s life and to what extent if you were just planning on moving to another state with her.”

  Bella burps Micaela and walks her to the changing table to change her diaper. With her back turned to me, she says, “I never said you couldn’t be in her life. I just feel like this is the best option for my daughter and me.”

  She turns back around and I can see the tears filling her lids as she holds our daughter to her chest, using her as a protective shield. “I can’t live with Tristan. I mean I could. I know he would let me since it’s my apartment just as much as it is his, but I need to give him his space. I hurt him so badly. My parents are in Vegas and so is my Aunt Kayla and my brother and sister. Sure, I have made some friends here but I can’t ask them to watch Micaela. I’m taking off the rest of this semester but I am hoping to at least take a couple classes online this summer and go back next fall full time. You know you can visit anytime.”

  “Visit?” I laugh incredulously. “You don’t really think I’m going to let you and our daughter move to another state and I’ll just simply visit? If you’re moving back to Vegas then I guess I am as well.” I shrug.

  “What?” she gasps out and places Micaela back in her bassinet. That little girl drinks and then passes out into a drunken milk stupor.