For the Best

by LJ Scar

  I shook my head. “Before, in California, I trusted you. But I never trusted you with my heart.”

  He nodded. “I know. I didn’t give you reason to.”

  I picked at the pillowcase. He fell back, his head resting on my lap. “I’ll wait for you.”

  “Wait for me to do what?”

  “Trust me again.”

  Deep into the night, I stirred, started to lift and noticed he was awake. The darkness didn’t hide what was in his eyes. I reached out to touch his lips.

  My name was a question. “Hanna?”

  Without resistance I went into his arms.

  Chapter 43

  Hanna

  “Slow ride,” I listened with half an ear as Ansel sang along with the oldie playing from the grocery store sound system. Tan and energized, loving life, he was a visual treat entertaining passing shoppers. Keeping in tune with the song he improvised the next verse in opposition to the lyrics. “Not really appropriate for the kiddies.” He winked as he finished.

  I laughed as I studied the back of a label. “Are you editing background music in the grocery store?”

  He took me into his arms and sang the correct lyric as he wagged his eyebrows at the sexual innuendo. He had a decent voice. He proceeded to dance with me as he crooned.

  I laughed. “You are such a Romeo.”

  “I’m trying Hanna. You can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  Quiet, I let him concentrate on shutter speed, lenses, and the intricacies of photography I knew nothing about. He smiled as he caught me staring and leaned over for a long kiss.

  With him, I felt unburdened. He made me happy.

  I knew Ansel had turned to alcohol out of boredom and loneliness. He grew up without lasting friendships and family due to his father never staying in one location for long. He once told me he felt relieved when he’d finally been dumped in boarding school.

  “Something on your mind?” he asked.

  “When we first met you confessed you had a nomadic mentality in regard to your relationships.”

  He sat back on his heels, stopped what he was doing. “I’m not like Tanner. I won’t stray. I don’t want you to worry when I’m not around.”

  I felt like crying but my eyes stayed dry. “Okay.” I drew a line through the sand stopping at a broken sand dollar uncovered.

  He cupped my cheeks and gave me another long kiss. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “I know.”

  He picked up the sand dollar and shook the remains from inside. “Do you know the legend of the sand dollar?”

  “Something about Jesus,” I said racking my brain.

  “When you break the center open, you release five white doves and spread good will and peace. I think it is pretty fitting.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we were already broken when we found each other. You spread your wings and left. Now we are together again. Whole.”

  For our last dinner, I included Della. We ate in her apartment and after Keb was fed I offered to put him to bed. As I was leaving Keb’s room, I heard my name.

  Della was probing. “What exactly did you do to piss Hanna off back in California? She never really said.”

  I stepped back into Keb’s room and leaned against the wall closing my eyes, listening to Ansel’s version of our demise.

  “Has Hanna told you about how we met?” he asked. I couldn’t hear her answer but she must have said no.

  “I had just finished college. My dad was on some location scouting in Europe. My ex-girlfriend had finally gotten some bit part in an action movie she’d fucked her way into a script reading for. I wanted to prove I could make my way in the world. But I couldn’t. I mean I was a photo and film major in Southern Cali. Guys like me were a dime a dozen. Therefore, I was doing freelance photography for this TV show and website that highlighted on celebrity gossip and entertainment news. My job was nothing short of stalking famous people in order to get a shot, then the show would make up some sarcastic and humorous story about what they were really doing instead of whatever mundane act I had caught them actually doing.”

  There was a pause and I imagined Della nodding at Ansel though I had previously told her what Ansel once did for a living.

  “I was a little out of control with revenge and planned on exacting some break-up justice. The ex had been bragging about going to this posh ski resort with the movie producer. I didn’t consider the guy’s wife and kids, figured I’d publicly embarrass him, her and the studio with shots of their PDAs. While I was there I ran into a friend of mine from boarding school and Hanna was that girl’s roommate. Instantly, all thoughts of my previous girlfriend flew out the window. Every opportunity - every excuse I found to go there I did.”

  He sighed like he was finished.

  “Still didn’t answer my question what did you do to piss her off in California?” Della prodded.

  “I lucked out when she decided to move to California. I showed her what there was to love, unfortunately my job showed her what there was to hate. She saw the shallowness of it all - mostly by accompanying me on some assignments, clubs in particular. She started being my male celeb bait. She really didn’t do anything but sit at the bar looking bored and pretty but she still hooked them. All the while I’d be hidden snapping off endless frames unbeknownst to whatever jerk was making a play. I was cutting her in on all the paychecks I was collecting so I figured she was cool with it. I had no idea what she really felt until it all blew up in my face one night.”

  “One night?” Della asked.

  “Her dog, Gator, just died. I was callous thinking a few words of sympathy from me and she’d be right again. We went to dinner, then a club. I ditched her to get some shots and the latest WB dude came in and swept my girl away.”

  “Huh? Wait...that doesn’t sound like Hanna.”

  “It doesn’t because it wasn’t. I drove to the actor’s home only to camp outside his entry gate with about five other paparazzi. The night was long and my fuse was ignited. Near dawn his front door opened and all these flashes started bursting. Stunned she looked to the gate and saw me with my hands death gripping the rails. She said something to this guy and pointed at me. My jealousy reached a boiling point when he kissed her. When the gates opened Hanna practically skipped down the drive to reach me. She smiled like she was the happiest girl in the world and I thought to myself she is the most beautiful day after one night stand I have ever seen.”

  “Nice,” Della said sarcastically.

  “It gets better,” he advised. “After she reaches me she says, ‘Want to grab breakfast? I’m starving.’”

  They both laughed.

  “I didn’t laugh at that moment. Instead I practically drag her to my car all the while my competition kept taking shots wondering who she was. I drove her back to my place ranting without letting her get in a word. I barely parked the car before she was out. I let her walk away and didn’t even have a clue I’d not see her face or hear her voice for a year and a half.”

  There was silence. I looked over and found Keb curled up asleep. Pulling up his bed covers, I flipped the switch on his night light and turned off the lamp placing my foot gently out into the hallway.

  I walked into the room and Ansel smiled. Sarcastically he muttered, “You let me suffer.”

  I moved up beside him, bending down to inches from his face as he sat on the couch. “Did you really think I slept with him?” I asked.

  “At the time yes,” he whispered staring into my eyes.

  I studied him closely. “We talked all night. Watched his show. He just needed someone to listen. Someone who wouldn’t judge.”

  “He never left a bar without a woman on his arm.”

  I nodded. “I know. His publicist advised him if he wanted to get voted sexiest man alive for a second year he had to keep up an image.”

  “He came out last year.” He pulled me down onto his lap and squeezed me tight. “I was such an ass.”

  Della murmured
, “Why doesn’t anything like that ever happen to me?”

  We stood together in line for check-in at the airport unable to let go. I didn’t know how to say goodbye.

  He printed his boarding pass and walked us closer to security, rolling his carry-on behind him. He clutched my hand and pulled me aside, brushed my hair back in a gentle caress. He kissed me soundly.

  “Any chance you would come with me?” he asked breathlessly as he unlocked from my lips.

  I wrapped my arms round his neck and shook my head. “I can’t.” He took my face and raised my downcast eyes to meet his.

  With a hoarse throat he managed to whisper, “I finally understand what miss and need mean.”

  Chapter 44

  Hanna

  I was playing around on the internet when Skype popped up and blipped on my speakers. A message, I still only had one contact on Skype.

  3:44:49 PM Tanner: Hey, long time no hear. How you been?

  Why was he contacting me? I was not angry anymore. I really wasn’t anything.

  3:46:00 PM Hanna: Well, and you?

  3:46:28 PM Tanner: Ok. Thanks. It’s been cold here. Rain. Dreary. I miss sunshine. Looking forward to coming home.

  3:47:04 PM Hanna: what's the temp?

  3:47:49 PM Tanner: I think it's up to 30 now. They give it in Celsius.

  3:48:06 PM Hanna: I don’t know if that is frostbitey. I forgot how to do the conversion. It’s 60° here.

  3:49:16 PM Tanner: I’m jealous. 60° makes me nostalgic for my board, wetsuit, and some killer waves. Every time I go out I feel like a drowned rat. What’s been going on?

  3:50:19 PM Trev wants you to call. For Christmas, he asked if we could go to Harry Potter World at Islands of Adventure

  3:51:32 PM Tanner: Sounds like fun, I’m in. I return two weeks prior to Christmas. Schedule it.

  Then he was gone. So odd, I thought. Then I didn’t anymore.

  Tanner

  I ended my last week abroad by making a trip with Skylar to meet her father and stepmother in France. Though I found her father rigid and cold, I did enjoy the luxury hotel room he paid for and the fact that he didn’t bat an eye that I was sharing it with his daughter.

  Skylar kept talking about what would happen when we returned. She went to Northwestern in Chicago and was graduating a year away in December. It was a semester beyond that for me. I thought since we lived in different parts of the country we’d just go our separate ways once we were stateside but she was trying to convince me to see her still.

  “You and I have had the times of our lives. Our relationship is utter bliss we are so completely balanced. Don’t ruin our future together by keeping up some worn out relationship with an old girlfriend from high school.”

  Hanna would never be an old girlfriend from high school. She would always be everything.

  “Okay,” I agreed, thinking about the birth announcement, picture and note tucked away in my suitcase.

  Tanner,

  So much has changed for me in such a short time. My life is different, more whole and full in unexpected ways. I’m not angry that you wanted to see other people. It was probably for the best for both of us.

  Hanna

  The picture showed her holding an infant. Her expression was gentle, and loving. She could have been the new mother instead of Della.

  Chapter 45

  Hanna

  Tanner and I had made arrangements to meet outside of the amusement park via texting. He’d asked me to pick up Trev. I didn’t question why he didn’t, I just did it.

  The whole drive Trevor had been in stimulation overload and when he saw Tanner he overwhelmed his little brother with questions. Tanner looked at me with a smile. I didn’t return it. He got the message, a hug hello didn’t follow.

  We entered the theme park, the chaotic grounds competing for wandering attention spans at every fork in the road. We went to Dr. Seuss world first bypassing most rides that were more adult in nature.

  The hallucinogenic quality of the vibrant colors and set made you feel drugged. We spun and swerved as the Cat in the Hat and Thing One and Thing two wreaked havoc on a cartoonist house.

  Then we took the train high above watching all the colorful rides and attractions of Seuss Landing. Trevor rode in the front car with Tanner and me following in the car behind quietly non-engaged.

  We left the trippy, distorted world of Theodor Geisel’s creations only to be waylaid by a log ride. With Trev once again in front, me in the middle and Tanner behind we plummeted through the Canadian North woods as the villain, Snidely Whiplash kidnapped a damsel in distress trapping her in a saw mill, and the Royal Canadian Mounty Dudley Do-Right rode to the rescue.

  Drenched we stopped for lunch. Something fried. Tanner drank two beers, and spoke very little.

  We entered the Hogwarts from the Harry Potter Books that the movies presented more impressive than my mind ever conjured as I read the series. All its majesty, the castle gates, passageways, classrooms and corridors took me away from pressing worries. Trevor was a six foot child who was ecstatic.

  I didn’t think about Tanner’s silence again until we were in the line for the next ride. From soaring over the castle grounds, I felt slightly dizzy. Deciding maybe Tanner would loosen up without me I sat out the “training flight” aboard the Flight of the Hippogriff as well as all remaining rides.

  I followed Tanner to the hotel I had booked. Trevor rode with him. I wondered what they were talking about. We parked, gathered bags and quickly checked in making it to the room.

  Trevor turned on the television. Like a good tourist, he found the promotional channel for Orlando Attractions. I noticed Trevor’s heavy lidded eyes fluttering as he lay across one of the double beds his feet hanging over the edge.

  I ignored my own exhaustion choosing to look out the hotel window at the long line of cars backed up on International Drive.

  “Can we talk?” Tanner asked me.

  My thoughts exactly, I wanted to tell him about Ansel. I sat down on the other bed. He stood. Trevor was now asleep.

  “The girl I dated when I was away. It is a more serious than I let on.”

  I nodded.

  “She doesn’t know I am with you today. She wouldn’t like it.” It was like he was staring right through me. “You were right.”

  “About what?”

  “You and I fell in love too young. We rushed in. We grew up with each other and were bound to change. It was like you kept saying all along.”

  All those things I told him he didn’t understand I was offering him one last chance to prove me wrong. He couldn’t. I considered telling him to save his let down, rub Ansel in his face, instead I nodded my acceptance. “So what now?”

  “I can’t be your friend anymore. We can’t do things together like today. It becomes difficult.”

  “Did you make that decision or did she?”

  Anger and sadness passed one after the other on his expression. “I did.”

  I didn’t argue. “Will you go then? I’ll tell Trev when he wakes that you had to get back to school.”

  He picked up his discarded bag and walked to the door. His face was soft. I almost thought he changed his mind. “I’m sorry.” I met his eyes totally amazed to hear him apologize. “Thank you for making this easy.”

  Tanner

  As I left Trev with Hanna in that hotel, my walk down the hallway to the elevator had felt like a stroll to death row. I swallowed tears, knowing the girl I was leaving behind would always be a part of me no matter what I did and said.

  Telling Hanna goodbye, leaving her, especially there with the only other person in the world I truly gave a damn about was the hardest thing I’d ever done.

  Hanna

  When the sun finally rose, daybreak woke Trevor like an alarm. I’d gotten him to shower then down to the complimentary buffet of pastries, yogurt, cereal, and breads.

  Trevor hadn’t noticed Tanner was absent. I didn’t bring him up because I wasn’t sure how I
would explain why his brother had left.

  “Aren’t you hungry or thirsty?” the man boy asked with an innocent smile.

  I gulped a mouthful of boiling coffee. “A little. How is your cereal?”

  “Good.” He kept smiling spooning mounds of Frosted Flakes up to his lips.

  “Did you have fun yesterday?”

  He nodded.

  “Maybe we can go to a water park next time,” I offered.

  Trevor would remain my friend even if his brother didn’t.

  Chapter 46

  Hanna

  I’d drove back – took Trevor to his group home, made my way to my own. Pinkie was standing on her hind legs, her front dangling over the chain link fence. She woofed a greeting as I parked. I found a leash in my car and hooked her up for a quick walk.

  Darkness claimed the street as the moss clung parasitically from the Spanish Oak canopy. The old weathered, wooden cottages filled up with light. I heard a mother calling to a child. As I passed, I saw her hug the boy who ambled up the porch steps baseball bat and mitt in his hand.

  Pinkie led me through a maze of streets. The route we’d taken since moving. I numbly followed my mind hazing until I realized she’d returned us to the front steps of the school. The dog sat without having to be commanded and I opened the door to admit us inside.

  Walking down the hall I felt like a student on that nauseous first day. I went to Della’s apartment, which since completion was more comfortable than mine.

  Della was on the phone and I briefly waved at her before I made my way into a bedroom. I tiptoed up to the crib. Keb was sleeping innocently. Stroking the downy softness of his little cheek, he opened his eyes and gazed up.