Ratburger

by David Walliams

  Zoe shook her head. She didn’t dare speak with her mouth full of dust. In truth she was starving, but she had to get on with her escape plan, and didn’t want any more interruptions.

  “Ya must need to use the bog?” said the big lady.

  Zoe spotted her stepmother’s gaze searching the room. The little girl shook her head again. She thought she was going to choke, the dust now seeping right down the back of her throat. In truth she was bursting and she kept on having to cross her legs, but if she went to the loo and her stepmother searched her room she might just find the beginnings of the tunnel.

  “’Ave ya got ya braces in?”

  Zoe nodded vigorously, and then attempted a closed-mouth smile.

  “Show me,” pressed her stepmother.

  Zoe slowly opened her mouth a little bit, to show a little bit of metal.

  “I can’t see. Wider!”

  Reluctantly the girl opened her mouth, displaying the braces caked in dust. The woman peered to have a closer look.

  “Ya need to clean your teef, they’re disgustin’. Nasty creature you are.”

  Zoe closed her mouth and nodded in agreement. Sheila looked at her stepdaughter one last time and shook her head in revulsion, before turning to leave.

  Zoe smiled. She had got away with it. For now.

  She waited to hear the key turn in the door, and then turned towards the wall. Her boy-band poster was upside down! She prayed the one with the back to front hair would never find out she had put the poster upside down – he was Zoe’s favourite and they were going to get married. He just didn’t know it yet.

  And on a slightly more urgent note: thank goodness her stepmother had missed the fact that the poster was no longer the right way up. Zoe spat out her braces and wiped her dry-as-a-desert tongue on her sleeve to try and remove the dust, then went back to work.

  All through the night she scratched and scratched through the wall until finally she broke through. Her braces were now a misshapen mess, and she tossed them aside. So happy to be nearly there, Zoe excitedly let her fingers take over now. Scratching away to make the hole bigger, crumbling bits of plaster off in her hands as fast as she possibly could.

  Zoe wiped her eyes and peered through the hole. She had no idea what would be on the other side. Taking a closer look she realised she could see a face.

  A face she knew.

  It was Tina Trotts.

  f course, Zoe had always known that the bully lived somewhere in her block of flats. Her gang permanently occupied the adventure playground. What’s more, every day Tina spat on Zoe’s head from a stairwell, but Zoe had no idea the horrible girl lived this close!

  Then Zoe had a thought that made her feel confused: this meant it was Tina’s family who shouted at each other and slammed doors more than even her own. It was Tina who got screamed at by her dad. And whom Zoe had felt sorry for, as she lay trying to get to sleep at night.

  Zoe shook her head, to get rid of this strange new sensation of feeling sorry for Tina Trotts. Then she reminded herself of another sensation – flob on her face – and she stopped.

  It was now mid-morning. Zoe had been scratching away at the wall all through the night. On the other side of the hole was Tina’s big ugly face, snoring. She was lying on her bed, which, as if in a mirror image, was placed in exactly the same place as Zoe’s was in her room. The room was bare of possessions though; it looked more like a prison cell than a girl’s bedroom.

  Tina was wrapped up in her grubby duvet. For a young girl she snored like a camel, loud and low, and her lips wobbled when she exhaled.

  If you have ever wondered what a snoring camel sounds like, it goes something like this:

  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

  HHHHHHMM MMMMMMMPPPP PPPPPPPPPHHH HHHHHHHHHHH! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZzzZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZzzzzzz!

  It was a school day and Tina should be in lessons by now, but Zoe knew that most days she bunked off and when she didn’t, she came and went as she pleased.

  Now Zoe was face to face with her worst enemy. Yet there was no turning back. Everything in Zoe’s room was covered in a thick dust as a result of her excavations. As soon as her stepmother unlocked the door to come in to check up on her, it would be game over, and she would never ever see Armitage again…

  Right now, though, Tina’s big scary face was right on the other side of the hole. Zoe peered at the bully’s surprisingly thick nostril hair wondering what on earth to do next.

  Suddenly Zoe thought of a plan. If only she could grab a corner of Tina’s duvet, she could tug it sharply through the hole. Then, as Tina rolled on to the floor, Zoe could climb through the hole, jump over her, and bolt out through Tina’s flat to safety.

  It now occurred to her that she should revise the chance of death for the digging plan to ‘high’.

  At that moment, she heard her stepmother’s footsteps thundering down the corridor.

  Zoe had to act, and fast. She reached her hand through the hole, took a deep breath, and tugged as hard as she could on the duvet, which was rather greasy to the touch. It was as if it had never been washed. The yank was hard enough to send Tina rolling on to the floor…

  THUD

  THUD

  THUD!

  Just as Zoe heard the key turning in her bedroom door, she clambered through the hole. Unlike a rat, though, Zoe didn’t have whiskers, and even though she was an unusually small girl she had rather underestimated her size. When her body was halfway through the hole, she became completely and utterly stuck. Try as she might to wriggle, she could not move an inch. Tina had now of course woken up, and it would be an understatement to say she did not look in a good mood. She was angrier than a great white shark that had been called a rude name.

  The bully rose slowly to her feet, looked at Zoe and started pulling violently at the small girl’s arms, doubtless so she could get her whole body through to her room and beat her up more thoroughly.

  “I am going to get you, you little runt,” she growled.

  “Oh, good morning, Tina,” said Zoe, her tone imploring a non-violent response to this unusual situation. Meanwhile, no doubt hearing all the commotion, Sheila had rushed into the bedroom behind her and grabbed hold of her stepdaughter’s legs. The odious woman was pulling as hard as she could on them.

  “Come ’ere! When I get me ’ands on ya!” screamed the big lady.

  “Good morning, stepmother,” called Zoe over her shoulder. Again the chirpy tone did nothing to pacify the woman holding on to her ankles.

  Soon Zoe was buffeting back and forward through the hole.

  “Oooh!” she cried as she was pulled one way.

  “Aaah!” she cried as she was pulled the other.

  Soon it was like she was singing a rather repetitive pop song.

  “Oooh! Aaah! Oooh! Aaah! Oooh! Aaaah! Oooh! Aaah! Oooh! Aaaah! Oooh! Aaah!” Backward. Forward. Backward. Forward.

  Soon after that the wall started crumbling around her as she was yanked back and forth.

  Tina was strong, but Zoe’s stepmother had weight on her side. It was a surprisingly even tug of war, which as a result felt like it would never end. Both were pulling so hard on Zoe’s limbs that as she screamed she was aware of one positive to the situation: whoever won, Zoe would at least be taller by the end of it.

  She felt like a particularly prized Christmas cracker. However, just like a Christmas cracker, she was sure to explode. Larger bits of plaster were now crumbling off the wall, and dropping on to her head.

  “AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAARRRRR RRRRRGGG GGGGGHH HHHHH!!!!” cried Zoe.

  A massive crack blasted across the wall.

  CCCCCCCCC CCCCCRRRR RRRRRRR RRRAAAAA AAAAACCCCC KKKKKKK!!!!!!!

  All of a sudden Zoe could feel the whole wall giving way. Soon it all came crashing down to the floor in a blizzard of dust.

  BBBBBBB

  BBBBBBBOOOOOOO

  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

  !!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  The noise was deafening, and soon all Zoe could see was white. It looked a bit like this:

  t was as if there had been an earthquake, but at least Zoe’s arms and legs were now free.

  Somewhere in the dust cloud in her now-shared bedroom she could hear Tina and her stepmother coughing. Zoe knew she now had a split second to make her escape, and rushed forward. Unable to see anything, she used her hands to desperately find a door handle. Zoe opened the door and hurled herself into the corridor.

  Completely disorientated by the explosion of dust, it was only now she realised she was running through Tina’s flat. It was even grottier than Zoe’s. There was no furniture or carpet to speak of. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and there was a smell of damp everywhere. It was as if they were living like squatters in their own flat.

  However, this was no time for a makeover, even a fifteen-minute one like on TV, and after a few moments Zoe found the front door. Her little heart beating faster than ever before, she tried desperately to unlock it. Her hands were trembling, and she was unable to turn the bolt.

  Then, out of the dust cloud behind her, stumbled two monstrous ghostly figures, huge and looming, all white but with open, screaming mouths and eyes bulging out red in fury. It was like something out of a horror film.

  “AAAAAAAR RRRRGGGGHH!” screamed Zoe.

  Then she realised it was Tina and her stepmother, both covered head to toe in white dust.

  “AAAAAAA ARRRGGGGHH!” screamed Zoe.

  “COME ’ERE!” shouted Sheila.

  “I AM GOING TO GET YOU!” bellowed Tina.

  Zoe’s hands shook even more, but she just managed to open the door in time. As Zoe slid out, four chubby hands caked in white dust grabbed at her clothes, ripping strips off her blazer. Somehow Zoe managed to slip away and slammed the door behind her. Running down the communal corridor Zoe realised that both ways out of the great leaning tower block, the stairs and the lift, were sure to result in capture.

  Then Zoe remembered there was scaffolding on the far side of the flats.

  Thinking there might be a way down somehow, she raced over. She opened a window and climbed out on to the scaffold, before closing the window behind her. A wicked wind shook the thin boards beneath her feet. She looked down. Thirty-seven floors! Even the buses on the street looked tiny, like little toys. Zoe’s head spun. This was beginning to seem like a terrible idea.

  But behind her, Tina and Sheila’s furious faces were pressed up against the glass, and they were banging on the window.

  Without thinking, Zoe ran along the outside of the building, as her stepmother and Tina fought to be first out on to the scaffold to give chase. At the end of the wooden walkway there was a large plastic tube that went all the way down thirty-seven floors to a skip. Zoe had thought it looked like a waterslide, though it was designed to pass all the unwanted bits of debris from the building repairs down to the ground safely.

  It was just big enough for a little girl.

  Turning round, Zoe saw Tina and her stepmother a few paces behind her. She took a deep breath and leaped into the tube. Red plastic surrounded her, and she slid faster than she could have imagined, screaming as she went. Down, down, down. Would it never come to an end? Down and down she swirled, travelling faster and faster as she neared the ground. The little girl had never been on a waterslide, and for a moment the sensation of travelling so fast on her bottom was fun. As there was no water though, her bottom became hotter and hotter as it rubbed against the plastic.

  Then, without warning, the ride finished and the little girl flew out of the tube into the skip. Fortunately there was an old mattress someone had illegally dumped in there, and it cushioned her fall. Her sizzling bottom now cooling, Zoe looked up at the scaffold.

  She could see her over-sized stepmother stuck in the mouth of the tube, with Tina vigorously trying to push her down by putting all her weight on the woman’s huge bum. Push and push as much as she might, Sheila’s body just wouldn’t fit. Zoe couldn’t help but smile. She was safe, for the moment at least. But she knew someone she loved was in the most terrible danger. If she didn’t find Armitage fast, he would be pulverised!

  t was only when she looked at her reflection in a shop window that Zoe realised that, like Tina and Sheila, she was also covered from head to toe in dust. She had wondered why passers-by had been giving her funny looks, and why children in pushchairs burst into tears when they saw her and were wheeled by their pregnant mothers from her path.

  Wiping the dust off her little plastic watch, she saw it was nearly lunchtime. Burt’s van would be parked outside the school playground as it always was, frying up his noxious burgers.

  The dust had gone right down the back of her throat, and Zoe was desperately in need of a drink, so she made a short pit-stop.

  TING!

  “Aaah! Miss Zoe!” exclaimed Raj. “Is it Halloween already?”

  “Erm, no…” spluttered Zoe. “It’s, er, mufti day at school, you know, where you can wear whatever you like.”

  Raj studied the small dusty girl. “So forgive me, but what have you dressed as?”

  “Dustgirl.”

  “Dustgirl?”

  “Yes, Dustgirl. She is a superhero, you know.”

  “I have never heard of her.”

  “She is very popular.”

  “Dustgirl, eh? So what is her superpower?” enquired Raj, genuinely curious.

  “She is very good at dusting,” replied Zoe, now desperate for the exchange to come to an end.

  “Well, I must look out for her.”

  “Yes, I think they are bringing out a Dustgirl movie next year.”

  “It is sure to be a blockbuster,” replied Raj, clearly not a hundred per cent convinced. “People do love to watch someone doing the dusting. I know I do.”

  “Raj, please can I have a drink?”

  “Of course, Miss Zoe. Anything for you. I have got some bottles of water there.”

  “Just tap water would be fine.”

  “No, I insist, take a bottle from the chill cabinet.”

  “Well, thank you.”

  “My pleasure,” smiled Raj.

  Zoe made her way from the counter and selected a small bottle of water. She downed most of it, then washed her face clean with the remainder. Instantly she felt a whole lot better.

  “Thank you, Raj, you are so good to me.”

  “You are a very special little girl, Miss Zoe. And not just because you are ginger. Please can you pass me the empty bottle, Miss Zoe?”

  Trampling dust through his little shop, Zoe returned the bottle to Raj, and he took it off behind the multicoloured plastic curtains to the back. Zoe could hear a tap running, and a few moments later he reappeared to pass the bottle back to her.

  “If you could pop it back in the cabinet, please,” he said with a smile.

  “But it’s covered in dust, and it’s got my spit all around the top.”

  “And the beauty of the scheme, my friend, is there is no extra charge for the spit!” said Raj triumphantly.

  Zoe looked at the newsagent, and then dutifully returned the bottle to where she had taken it from.

  “Goodbye, Raj.”

  “Goodbye, er, Dustgirl. And good luck!”

  TING!

  Now Zoe felt a tiny little bit like she was a superhero, albeit one whose special power was dusting. However, just like a superhero, she was fighting evil.

  Powering down the street, a trail of dust behind her, Zoe soon spotted Burt’s van. It was parked where it always was outside the school playground, and there was a line of eager children queuing down the road. Approaching from the road side, she saw that the van was emblazoned with ‘BURT’S PEST CONTROL’.

  That’s curious, she thought. Zoe hid behind the defaced and battered school sign, and waited until the bell rang for the end of lunch break. She couldn’t risk being seen back at school since she was suspended. That could lead to instant expulsion.


  DDDRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNN NNNGGGGGGGG. The bell finally rang and Burt served his final customer, squirting the peculiar dark ketchup on to the distinctly unappetising-looking burger. Zoe scuttled across the road, and hid on the other side of the van, where it faced on to the pavement. Looking up at the writing this side she saw that it read ‘BURT’S BURGERS’.

  “This is so strange,” whispered Zoe to herself. The van said ‘BURT’S BURGERS’ on one side and ‘BURT’S PEST CONTROL’ on the other.

  Zoe stared at the van. The creepy man was only using the same vehicle for catching rats that he did for frying burgers! Zoe was no expert, but was pretty sure the government’s Food Standard Agency would take a very dim view of this. It was going to result in an angry letter at least.

  The van’s engine started, and Zoe scampered around to the back, silently opened the door and leaped inside. She closed it as quietly as she could behind her, and lay down on the cold metal floor.

  Then the engine started up, and the van drove off.

  With Zoe hiding inside it.

  t eye level, Zoe could see huge bags of rotting burgers with maggots crawling out of them. She put her hand over her mouth, for fear she might scream or throw up, or both.

  The van hurtled through the town. She could hear it scraping against other cars, and the horns of other vehicles hooting as it sped through red lights. Zoe popped her head up to watch in terror through a little window, as they spread chaos and carnage in their wake, not to mention quite a few broken-off wing mirrors. Burt was driving so recklessly, she was frightened he would kill them both.

  The van was travelling so fast that in no time they were on the outskirts of town in a large, deserted industrial estate. Enormous empty warehouses that looked like they were falling down blotted out the sky, and soon the van stopped outside a particularly dilapidated one. Zoe looked up, out of the fat-splattered window. This warehouse was like a gigantic aircraft hangar.

  Zoe took a deep breath, and everything turned dark as Burt drove the van inside. As soon as it lurched to a halt, she climbed out of the back and hid under the van. Trying to breathe as quietly as possible she looked around the giant space. There were cages and cages of rats all piled up on top of each other. It looked like there were thousands of them in here, waiting to be pulverised.