Ratburger

by David Walliams

  “I think Armitage is trying to tell us something, Dad.”

  “What?”

  “I think he wants us to set his friends free.”

  Dad looked up at the towering wall of cages, which all but reached the ceiling of the warehouse. Every cage was squashed full of poor starving rats. “Yes, of course. I quite forgot!”

  Dad moved the ladder over to the cages, then stood on top of it, and with Armitage safely back in her pocket, Zoe climbed on to his shoulders to reach the top cage.

  “Steady!” said Dad.

  “Make sure you hold on to my feet!”

  “Don’t worry, I’ve got you!”

  Finally, Zoe managed to open the first of the cages. The rats clambered out as fast as they could, then used the little girl and her dad as a ladder to climb down to the safety of the ground. Soon Zoe had opened all the cages and thousands of rats were running excitedly around the warehouse floor, enjoying their new-found freedom. Then Zoe and her dad broke open the tank of cockroaches, which had narrowly escaped being ground into ‘ketchup’!

  “Look,” said Dad. “Or, actually, don’t look. You’re too young to see this.”

  Of course, as you must know, reader, there is nothing more guaranteed to make a child look than this.

  Sure enough, Zoe looked.

  It was the freshly made Burt and Sheila burgers. The rats were devouring them greedily and finally having their revenge!

  “Oh dear,” said Zoe.

  “At least they are getting rid of the evidence,” said Dad. “Now come on, we’d better get out of here…”

  Dad took his daughter’s hand, and led her out of the warehouse. Zoe looked back at the battered van.

  “What about the burger van? Burt won’t need it any more,” she said.

  “Yes, but what on earth are we going to do with it?” asked Dad, looking at his daughter quizzically.

  “Well,” said Zoe. “I have an idea…”

  inter turned to spring, as the van was redecorated. Just removing the grease that had built up on every surface of the vehicle, inside and outside, took a week. Even the steering wheel was thick with slime. However, the work didn’t seem like work, because Zoe and her dad did most of it together, and it was surprisingly fun. Because he was so happy, Dad didn’t go to the pub once, and that made Zoe happy too.

  There was a snag of course; being unemployed, Dad only received a small amount of benefit money. It was a pittance and was barely enough to feed him and his daughter, let alone refurbish a van.

  Fortunately, Dad was an ingenious sort.

  He had found lots of the bits and pieces he needed for the van from the rubbish dump. He rescued an old discarded little freezer and repaired it. He used that to keep the lollies cold in. An old sink was just the right size to fit in the back of the van for rinsing the scoops. Zoe found an old funnel from a skip, which with a bit of paint and papier mâché, the father and daughter managed to fashion into an ice-cream cone to stick on the front of the van.

  And so it was finally done.

  Their very own ice-cream van.

  Zoe’s suspension from school was being lifted tomorrow. However, there was still one final decision. One major, crucial thing they had to make their minds up about. One really important outstanding matter.

  What to write on the side of the van.

  “You should name it after you,” said Zoe, as they stepped back to admire their handiwork. The van stood gleaming in the afternoon sun in the car park of the estate. Dad held a brush and a pot of paint in his hand.

  “No, I have a better idea,” he said with a smile. Dad lifted his hand up to the side of the van and started painting on the letters. Zoe looked on, intrigued.

  ‘A’ was the first letter.

  “Dad, what are you writing?” asked Zoe impatiently.

  “Shush,” replied her father. “You’ll see.”

  Then ‘R’, and then ‘M’.

  Soon Zoe had it too, and couldn’t resist shouting out. “Armitage!”

  “Yes, ha ha!” laughed Dad. “Armitage’s Ices.”

  “I love it!” said Zoe, jumping up and down on the pavement with excitement.

  Dad added the ‘I’, then the ‘T’, then the ‘A’, ‘G’, ‘E’, the apostrophe, because everyone knows apostrophes are very important, then the ‘S’, and then the word ‘ICES’.

  “Are you sure you want to name it after him?” asked Zoe. “He is just a little rat, after all.”

  “I know, but without him, none of this would ever have happened.”

  “You’re right, Dad. He is a very special little fellow.”

  “You never did tell me why you called him Armitage, by the way,” said Dad.

  Zoe gulped. This was absolutely not the time to tell her father he had written the name of a toilet on the side of his gleaming ice-cream van.

  “Er… it’s a long story, Dad.”

  “I’ve got all day.”

  “Right. Well, another day. I promise. In fact I had better just go and get him. I want him to see what we have done to the van…”

  Armitage was all grown up now, and didn’t fit in her blazer pocket any more. So Zoe had left him in the flat.

  Zoe excitedly ran up the stairs of the tower block, and rushed into her bedroom. Armitage was scuttling around Gingernut’s old cage. Dad had liberated the cage from the pawn shop by exchanging it for a bumper box of prawn cocktail crisps his ex-wife had amazingly left uneaten.

  Of course, the room wasn’t just Zoe’s bedroom any more.

  No: since the wall had fallen down it was now a room twice the size that she shared with someone else.

  That someone else being Tina Trotts.

  The council were meant to have repaired the wall ages ago, but it was still down. To Zoe’s surprise, when she entered the room, Tina was kneeling beside the cage and tenderly feeding the little rat little crusts of bread through the bars.

  “What are you doing?” asked Zoe.

  “Oh, I thought he might be a little peckish…” said Tina. “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “I will take over, thank you,” replied Zoe, snatching the food out of Tina’s hand. She was still suspicious of everything the big girl did. After all, Tina was the one who flobbed on Zoe’s hair every day on the way to school. The misery she had caused would not be easily forgotten.

  “Do you still not trust me?” asked Tina.

  Zoe thought for a moment. “Let’s just hope the council gets that wall up soon,” she said, eventually.

  “I don’t mind,” said Tina. “I have enjoyed sharing a room with you, actually.”

  Zoe said nothing. The silence hung in the air for a moment, and Tina started to fidget.

  Aargh, thought Zoe. Stop feeling sorry for Tina Trotts!

  The thing was, though, that in the past few weeks Zoe had come to understand a lot more about Tina’s life. How her horrible father screamed at her most nights. Tina’s father was a great bear of a man. He enjoyed making his daughter feel worthless, and more and more Zoe was wondering if that was why Tina did the same to others. Not just to Zoe, but to anyone weaker than her. A great grinding wheel of cruelty, that could go round and round for ever if someone didn’t stop it.

  Yet as much as Zoe now understood Tina, she still didn’t like the girl.

  “There is something I need to say to you, Zoe,” said Tina suddenly, her eyes filling with tears. “Something I’ve never said to anyone. Ever. Ever ever ever. And if you repeat it, I’ll kill you.”

  Goodness, thought Zoe. What on earth could it be? Is it some terrible secret? Does Tina have a second head that she keeps hidden under her jumper? Or is she really a boy called Bob?

  But no, reader. It was none of these things.

  It was something much more shocking…

  orry,” said Tina, eventually.

  “Sorry? That’s the thing you’ve never told anyone, ever?”

  “Er… yes.”

  “Oh,” said Zoe. “Oh, OK.”

/>   “Oh, OK, you forgive me?”

  Zoe looked at the big girl. She sighed. “Yes, Tina. I forgive you,” she said.

  “I am so sorry for being so cruel to you,” said Tina. “I just… I get so angry. Especially when my dad’s… you know. It just makes me want to squash something small.”

  “Like me.”

  “I know, I am so so sorry.” Tina was actually crying now. It was making Zoe a bit uncomfortable – she almost wished Tina would flob on her instead. Zoe put her arms around the girl, and hugged her tightly.

  “I know. I know,” said the little girl softly. “All our lives are hard in one way or another. But listen to me…” Zoe rubbed away Tina’s tears tenderly with her thumbs. “We need to be kind to each other, and stick together, OK? This place is tough enough without you making my life a misery.”

  “So no more flobbing on your head?” said Tina.

  “No.”

  “Not even on Tuesdays?”

  “Not even on Tuesdays.”

  Tina smiled. “OK.”

  Zoe passed the crusts of bread back to Tina. “I don’t mind you feeding my little boy. Carry on.”

  “Thank you,” said Tina. “Have you taught him any new tricks?” she asked, her face brightening in anticipation.

  “Take him out of his cage and I’ll show you,” said Zoe.

  Tina gently opened the door to the cage, and Armitage tentatively crawled on to her hand. This time he didn’t bite her: instead he nuzzled his soft fur against her fingers.

  Zoe took a peanut from a bag on the shelf, as her new friend gently lifted Armitage out on to the still dust-encrusted carpet. She showed him the peanut.

  Armitage promptly stood on his hind legs and did a very entertaining backwards dance, before Zoe gave him the nut. He took the nut between his paws and nibbled at it greedily.

  Tina started applauding wildly. “That’s amazing!” she said.

  “That’s nothing!” replied Zoe, proudly. “Watch this!”

  With the promise of a few more peanuts, Armitage did a forward roll, a back-flip, even spun around on his back as if he was breakdancing!

  Tina couldn’t believe her eyes.

  “You should take him on that TV talent show,” said Tina.

  “I would love to!” said Zoe. “He could be the world’s very first rich and famous rat. And you could be my assistant.”

  “Me?!” asked Tina, incredulous.

  “Yes, you, in fact I need your help with a new trick I have been dreaming up.”

  “Well, well, I’d love to!” spluttered Tina. Then she said, “Oh!” as if she had just remembered something.

  “What is it?” said Zoe.

  “The end-of-term talent show!”

  Zoe still hadn’t been back at school since her three-week suspension started, so she had completely forgotten about the show.

  “Oh, yes, the one Miss Midge is organising.”

  “Midget, yes. We should totally enter Armitage.”

  “She is never going to allow me to bring Armitage back into school. He was the whole reason I got chucked out in the first place!”

  “No, no, no, they talked about it in assembly. As it is in the evenin’, the ’eadmaster has made a special rule. Pets are allowed.”

  “Well, he’s not a dog or a cat, but I suppose he is my pet,” reasoned Zoe.

  “Of course he is! And get this. Midget plays the tuba, I heard her practisin’. It’s awful! All the kids reckon she is only doin’ it because she wants to get off wiv the ’eadmaster.”

  “She so fancies him!” said Zoe.

  The two girls laughed. The idea of the unusually small teacher playing the unusually large instrument already seemed hilarious, let alone using the low-noted tuba as a method of seduction!

  “I have to see her do that!” said Zoe.

  “Me too,” laughed Tina.

  “I just need to show Armitage something downstairs quickly, then we can spend this evening working together on the new trick!”

  “I can’t wait!” replied Tina, excitedly.

  unning down the stairs was easier than going up, and before the paint was dry on the side of the van, Zoe was breathlessly showing Armitage the results of her and her father’s hard work. Dad climbed into the van and opened the sliding hatch. Zoe had never seen her father looking so happy.

  “Right, so, you’re my first customer. What would you like, Madam?”

  “Mmm…” Zoe surveyed the flavours. It was a very long time since she had tasted the delicious frozen dessert – she wasn’t even sure if she’d ever had ice cream since those evenings when her dad would rush home from the factory with some crazy new flavour for her to try.

  “Cone or cup, Madam?” asked Dad, already relishing his new job.

  “Cone, please,” replied Zoe.

  “Any particular flavour take your fancy?” asked Dad with a smile.

  Zoe leaned over the counter and studied the long line of mouth-watering flavours. After all those years in the factory, Dad really did know how to make some truly scrumptious ice cream. There was:

  It was the most magnificent collection of ice-cream flavours in the world. Apart from the Snail and Broccoli, obviously.

  “Mmm… They all look delicious, Dad. It’s just too hard to make a decision…”

  Father peered down at his array of ice creams. “Then I will just have to give you one of each then!”

  “OK,” said Zoe. “But maybe leave out the snail and broccoli?”

  Her dad bowed. “As you wish, Madam.”

  As his daughter giggled, he piled up her cone with flavour after flavour until it was nearly as tall as she was. With Armitage in one hand, she balanced the impossibly tall ice-cream cone in the other.

  “I can’t eat all this on my own!” laughed Zoe. She looked up at the tower block, and saw Tina looking down at her from the 37th floor window.

  “TINA! COME DOWN!” shouted Zoe at the very top of her voice.

  Soon lots of children were poking their faces out of the windows of their flats, wondering what all the noise was about.

  “ALL OF YOU!” shouted Zoe up at them. She recognised a few of them, but most of them she didn’t know. Some of them she had never seen before in her life, even though they were all so closely crammed into this huge ugly leaning building together. “Come on down, everyone, and help me finish my ice cream.”

  Within seconds, hundreds of kids with dirty but eager little faces were rushing down to the car park to take their turn to have a bite of Zoe’s ridiculously tall ice cream. After a few moments, the little girl entrusted the tower of ice cream to Tina, who made sure all the kids received their fair share, especially the tiny ones whose little mouths couldn’t reach that high.

  As the sound of laughter rose and the sun went down, smiling Zoe broke away from the laughing children and sat alone on a nearby wall. She brushed the litter off the wall and brought Armitage up to her face. Then she gave him a tender little kiss on the top of his head.

  “Thank you,” she whispered to him. “I love you.”

  Armitage tilted his head and looked up at her, with the sweetest little smile on his face. “Eek eek eeek eeeeeek,” he said. Which, of course, from rat to English translates as:

  “Thank you. I love you too.”

  hank you, Miss Midget, I mean Midge, for that beautiful tuba playing,” lied Mr Grave. It had been truly awful. Like a hippopotamus farting.

  Miss Midge tottered off the stage at the school talent show, unseen behind her huge, heavy instrument.

  “That way, Miss Midge,” called Mr Grave, in a concerned voice.

  “Thank you, headmaster,” came a muffled voice, just before Miss Midge crashed into the wings. The tuba sounded better hitting the wall than when she had played it.

  “I’m all right!” called Miss Midge from beneath her ridiculously large tuba.

  “Er… right,” said Mr Grave.

  “Might need the kiss of life though!”

  Mr Grave, im
possibly, went even more pale. “Next,” he said, ignoring the teacher struggling beneath her ridiculous brass instrument, “please welcome the final act to the stage – Zoe!”

  There was a cough from the side of the stage.

  Mr Grave looked down at his sheet of paper. “Oh, um, Zoe and Tina!”

  The audience all applauded, none louder than Dad, who was sitting proudly in the front row. Raj was sat next to him, clapping excitedly.

  Zoe and Tina ran on, in matching tracksuits, and took a bow. Then Tina lay down on the stage, as Zoe set up what looked like little ramps either side, which they had made from cereal boxes.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome: ‘The Amazing Armitage’!” said the little ginger girl.

  At that moment, Armitage sped across the stage, riding a wind-up toy motorbike that Dad had bought from a charity shop and repaired, and wearing a tiny crash helmet.

  The crowd went wild just at the sight of him, apart from Raj, who covered his eyes in fear. He was still scared of rodents.

  “You can do it, Armitage,” whispered Zoe. When they had practised, he had sometimes missed the ramp and just drove past it, which didn’t make for a very exciting show.

  Armitage whizzed faster and faster as he reached the ramp.

  Come on, come on, come on, thought Zoe.

  The little rat hit the ramp perfectly.

  Yes!

  Armitage took off—

  Armitage flew through the air—

  Oh no! thought Zoe.

  He was coming down too soon. He was going to miss the ramp on the other side.

  Down, down, down Armitage fell—

  Zoe held her breath—

  And then he landed on Tina’s ample tummy.

  Bounced back up in the air.

  And landed on the ramp on the other side.

  It was a moment of pure and utter joy. It probably even looked deliberate.

  “Oof,” said Tina.

  “Eek,” said Armitage, bringing his motorbike to a perfect stop.

  The audience instantly rose to their feet and gave them a standing ovation that went on for ages – Raj even peeked out from behind his hands.