Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  “Of course you can’t. Are you the same person you were five, ten, fifteen years ago? No. My goal is to get you functioning again.”

  Was it safe to tell her the truth? It took a lot for Caroline to trust people on the base but Dr. Haddad seemed to fit the bill. “I like you,” she said. “In case you didn’t know that.”

  Natalie gave her a wide smile. “I had a feeling.”

  Caroline always welcomed sincerity and Natalie had it in spades. “I assume that’s why Jack came to you first.”

  “He told me when he first met me that I reminded him of one of your staffers.”

  Shit. She hadn’t wanted to think about that. Had tried to block it out like everything else. But it was stupid to assume her doctor wouldn’t go there eventually. “He mentioned that in the infirmary.”

  “Do you agree with him?”

  Caroline closed her eyes. This wasn’t going to be good. “Yes. I haven’t wanted to admit it.”

  “Why not?”

  “We were close. This staffer was a good friend.”

  “I take it she’s-”

  Best to keep the explanation as simple as possible. “She was killed by The Fed. Another former staffer told me when she was put in the cell next to mine.”

  “Caroline, we can stop for today if you want.”

  Natalie must have heard the hitch in her voice. A nice gesture on her part, but Caroline couldn’t very well expect to get through her therapy sessions without talking about a few painful things. And it might be better to get some of the harder stuff out of the way first. “No, it’s okay. I can talk about it.”

  Natalie looked skeptical but pushed ahead anyway. “What was her name?”

  “Kathleen Thalberg. She was my chief of staff in Harrisburg. My press secretary when I was in Congress. She’s a few years older than you but you have a lot of the same mannerisms.”

  “Does that upset you? I don’t want to make this more difficult.”

  Interacting with Natalie for the first time almost made her break down. It likely contributed to her shitty mood for days afterward. “It used to.” Caroline sniffled. “It’s somewhat comforting now. It’s eerie how alike you are. Even you yelling at me reminds me of her.”

  “You two were close?”

  She wiped at her eyes. Close didn’t begin to describe it. “Katie was one of my best friends.”

  “I bet that made your boss/employee dynamic a bit unusual.”

  “I had very little staff turnover when I was in Congress. The only people who left were the interns when their semesters were finished.”

  “What do you think that says about you?”

  Caroline could only handle so much introspection at one time. “I’ve been told I was fun to work for.”

  “Based on what I remember of you, that’s probably a true statement.”

  “I hired Kathleen while she was still finishing her degree. She had limited relevant experience. Neither did my campaign manager, who later became my chief of staff. We flew by the seats of our pants, coasting along, pulling off a huge upset in the primary. We all clicked, probably because none of us knew what the hell we were doing.”

  “I wasn’t supposed to win my first election,” Caroline continued. “It still surprises me that I did. Once I started transitioning into office there was all this pressure to pick up aides with more experience, better education, more connections, whatever. But Katie and Jen had demonstrated such loyalty to me. I didn’t want to let them go.”

  “Jen being Representative Whitcomb?”

  “Yes. She’s gone too.” Caroline closed her eyes again, thinking of everyone she’d lost. She couldn’t bring herself to speak their names aloud. She’d betrayed them enough without daring to let those precious words pass her lips. “Almost everyone I love is dead.” She put her face in her hands and began to cry.

  Natalie’s hand was on her shoulder again, and when she spoke her voice was uneven. “I’m sorry, Caroline. None of this is fair. But you don’t have to handle it alone.”

  Caroline looked up at her. Natalie’s eyes were wet. “Aren’t you kind of blurring the doctor/patient relationship here?”

  “I don’t care.” She knelt down next to her chair. “It might help if you think of me as more of a friend than a treatment provider. There aren’t enough words to convey how awful I feel about this. About everything that’s happened to this country, its people, its identity, its way of life. It is so incredibly unfair, and it’s hard to see the effect it’s had on people who were simply trying to do the right thing.”

  Another subtle reference to Jack. It didn’t hurt as much as the others. Strange. “It wasn’t just us,” Caroline said. “A lot of people have suffered and will continue to suffer.”

  “You’re the one I’m talking to now. Hence you’re the only one I’m concerned with.”

  Caroline hung her head. “Why have you been so nice to me? I’ve been so shitty to you.”

  “I know you’re a good person,” Natalie said. “No matter what you think about yourself. Your heart is pure.”

  What an odd thing to say. Caroline stared down at her hands.

  Natalie laughed softly. “You don’t take compliments very well, do you?”

  Normally she’d find such perceptiveness impressive, but not while sitting in a therapist’s office. “Jack used to say the same thing.”

  “I’m not going to pursue that,” Natalie said. “Don’t worry.”

  “Thanks. But you should know I’m not pure. At all.”

  “No one’s perfect. But you’re a better person than you think you are.”

  Caroline sighed. “Can we talk about something other than me?”

  “Okay. It’s not like this is your therapy session or anything. Want to talk baseball?”

  “I love baseball. But I don’t think you want to hear about my obsession with sports.” Her ease with Natalie reminded Caroline of other times and other friends, especially the one they’d most recently discussed. “I’d like to talk about Katie some more,” she whispered.

  Natalie pulled a chair closer to Caroline and sat down. “I’d prefer to sit here instead of behind my desk, if that’s okay.”

  It seemed gauche for Caroline to point out that she preferred it that way, so maybe it was better to act nonchalant. “Okay.”

  “What happened to Katie?”

  “I don’t know where to start,” she said.

  “When was the last time you saw her?”

  Maybe Natalie could guide her along. Help her avoid the more precarious twists and turns. “It was a couple of weeks before Jack and I ran,” Caroline said. “I’d been talking to Jen, using code like I had with everyone else. She was still in Congress but knew she had a target on her back. Everyone did.” She put her head down. “Katie was with me in Harrisburg. We didn’t have much to do as things got hotter, so we’d sit around chatting all day, always avoiding difficult topics. You’d think that two people who were so close wouldn’t have a hard time discussing the hard stuff, but when push comes to shove sometimes you can’t say things out loud. But I’d heard rumors about what they were starting to do to dissidents like us. About what they’d do to people like Katie.” Caroline looked up at Natalie. “She was a lesbian,” she said. “In case you didn’t know that.”

  Natalie smiled. “Jack might have mentioned it.”

  Caroline let out a tiny laugh. “Didn’t want you to feel self-conscious? He and Christine were always a little uncomfortable discussing anything other than heterosexuality.” She laughed again. “Chrissy never liked to think about sex at all. She was such a prude.”

  Natalie patted her hand. “That’s the first time you’ve said Senator Sullivan’s name without having a panic attack.”

  Thinking about Christine hurt too much, which was why she tried not to do it. “Maybe you’re doing an okay job, then.”

  “I doubt it. I think Jack told me mostly because we’d just met and he didn’t want to imply anything.”

  C
aroline smiled shyly. “He doesn’t always read people very well.”

  “It seems like you had a lot of unusually close female friendships.”

  Maybe Natalie was doing her fair share of implication herself. “I’ve never been attracted to women. I don’t care what other people do with their lives as long as they’re not hurting me. Who someone sleeps with is no measure of their character or worth as a human being. It bothers me when people make judgments like that.”

  “I seem to remember you championing the rights of the oppressed quite frequently when you were in Congress.”

  “I owed something to those who had a limited voice.”

  “Is that part of the reason you kept Kathleen on your staff? To keep your perspective?”

  “That and she was really flipping awesome.” Caroline smiled. “We used to have so much fun together.” Her eyes got damp again. “I miss that kid. I really, really do.”

  “What happened after you talked to Jen?”

  “Jen and Katie were close too. It wasn’t just the two of us. Katie was so easy to love. And I asked Jen – more like ordered her – I told her she had to take Katie and go. They were the first ones who left me. Jen and her husband Eric came to the mansion in the wee hours of the morning and we sneaked her out the door.”

  Caroline couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. Another nervous habit she wasn’t all that thrilled about. She’d keep a list of all of them but she didn’t have a large enough notebook.

  “Do you want to take a break?” Natalie asked.

  Shit. She had to get better at hiding those tics. “No,” she said. “I’ll keep going.” She took a deep breath. “By the time I ended up in that…place, I hoped that Jen and Katie had made it out. It had been almost three weeks.” Maybe talking about this wasn’t a good idea. “I pieced some stuff together at The Fed. Saw things happen. And I was given information that Katie…was gone.”

  Caroline wrung her hands together. “The guards from that place killed her. They killed Kathleen. She had a choice – she could go through some bullshit reparative gay therapy or she could enjoy her trip to hell with all the other dykes. Katie told them exactly where they could stick it and they put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”

  Fuck, she wasn’t sure how much longer she could talk about this. “Katie was a proud woman. She absolutely was secure in herself. She didn’t think she had to answer to anyone for who she was. And she was right. But she was a lot like me in that she never knew when to keep her mouth shut.”

  Natalie seemed reluctant to speak, but when Caroline fell silent she asked yet another question that didn’t have an easy answer. “Who else did you see in there?” she whispered.

  Names. Faces. Words. Pain. All those things she’d tried to block out were bubbling up again. “Robert Allen,” Caroline said softly. “Ellen Goldman. And Jenny-”

  Natalie liked her. She thought she was a good person. If Caroline wasn’t careful she’d give her proof that she was shit, say things she didn’t mean to say. There was no way in hell she was going to tell Natalie what happened to Jen. Or who had caused it.

  Caroline wrapped her hands around the back of her head, pulling at her hair. “I never got to say goodbye,” she said. “I got to at least try – I got to see other people but there were so many things I never got to tell Katie. So many decisions I wish I never made.” She stumbled up on shaky legs. “I think I’ve said too much. I should go.”

  Natalie sprang from her chair. “No. You’re in no condition to leave.” She put her hands on Caroline’s shoulders. “This was not your fault.”

  Purity of heart. Humility. Courage. Caroline had none of those things. She was as pure as muddy slush. She tried to push Natalie away. “The fuck it wasn’t.”

  Natalie pulled her closer. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to your friends. You tried to save them. All of them. But especially Jen and Kathleen.”

  Had she? Had she really? What would Dr. Haddad do if she knew the truth? She wouldn’t want to comfort her. She wouldn’t even speak to her. Caroline had to take what she could get while she could get it. She leaned into Natalie’s shoulder and started sobbing. “I needed them. I needed both of them. They knew – those assholes knew I needed them and they took them away. They took everything I loved away.”

  Natalie continued to keep her arms wrapped around Caroline. “Evil can’t be explained. But you have to accept that you aren’t the cause of any of this. You tried to stop it. You still are.”

  “That doesn’t bring Jenny and Katie back.”

  “I know it doesn’t,” Natalie said. “But you’re not processing your grief and anger in a manner that’s healthy. You know that.”

  Caroline grabbed a Kleenex off the desk and blew her nose. “What do you suggest I do?”

  “If you want to cry, cry. If you need to break stuff, break it.”

  When she had only a few personal items to her name? “I don’t have anything to break,” Caroline said.

  “I have a few things I don’t need if you’d like to borrow them. Permanently.” Natalie grinned at her. “I knew I could make you smile.”

  “Is it nice stuff? I could get into breaking nice stuff.”

  “Not really,” Natalie said. “But aside from that, you need to talk about things. Process them. Do you feel any better now than you did yesterday?”

  She did. Maybe there was a method to this madness. “A little,” Caroline said. “But it’s all going to flow back again and I can’t bear to think about it.”

  “You’ve dealt with grief before. This is a little more…intense. You have to step up the techniques you used before.”

  She hadn’t done so well when Nicky died. Or during the past year. “What if those techniques were pretty shitty?”

  “Then I guess you’ll be hanging out with me a lot more.” Natalie pulled a piece of paper out of her desk and scribbled on it. “This is my phone number and address. You are free to call or come over any time, day or night. I mean that. I’m only a floor or two away so you have no excuse if you need to talk.”

  Caroline slid the paper into her pocket. She’d memorize the number if she could. “Are we done for today?”

  “I think so. You did very well.”

  “When do I come back here again?”

  “When do you want to come back?”

  For some reason the prospect of a second session didn’t seem quite so dreadful. “I don’t know. A couple of days?”

  “Let’s say Friday at nine. Does that work?”

  Oh, because her schedule was so packed. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but right now I have nothing but time.”

  “I guess I’ll see you then.”

  Caroline started walking toward the door, turning around as she pulled it open. Her face reddened. “Thank you, Natalie.”

  Natalie smiled. “You’re welcome.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Caroline wasn’t thrilled about showing her face in the cafeteria but she needed a reprieve from the draining therapy session she’d had the day before. If she didn’t make an appearance, the guys would hassle her about not eating. She rarely felt like consuming food anymore and had to take advantage of the fact that her stomach was growling for once. Boone smiled as she passed through the line, busy as always. She’d have to talk to him later.

  No one seemed to be giving her odd looks. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she thought. She scanned the large room and saw Jones waving at her. Relieved, she took the seat next to him. “Didn’t get kicked out, I see.”

  He grinned. “Naw. Had to do some pushups. Funny how that works. The one thing I don’t mind doing.”

  That seemed like an extremely light slap on the wrist. “Yeah.”

  Crunch and Gig slammed their trays down across from them.

  “About time you showed up for a meal,” Gig said. “Thought you forgot how to get here.”

  “It’s only been a couple of days,” Caroline said.

  Cru
nch wagged a reproachful finger at her. “We’ve been worried about you.”

  “I’m sorry.” They did all look a little concerned. “I should have reached out.”

  He squeezed her hand. “We understand.”

  They’d be honest with her. “What’s the verdict?” she asked. “Does the entire base think I’m nuts?”

  “Probably,” Jones said.

  Crunch threw part of a biscuit at him. “Don’t make her feel bad.” He turned to Caroline. “They don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

  “A little.”

  Jones nudged her shoulder. “Nobody liked Buchanan. A bunch of guys want to shake your hand but they’re afraid you’ll beat them up too.”

  That was highly doubtful. “Really?”

  “Maybe not afraid. But they know not to fuck with you.”

  “Is that good or bad?”

  Jones was practically bouncing out of his chair. All those pushups had pumped him up. “I bet most of them would join our team if you’d have them.”

  Oh, come on now. “You can’t be serious.”

  “He is,” Gig broke in.

  “And Gig’s not just saying that because he’s in charge of the unit right now,” Crunch said.

  Caroline turned to Gig. How much had she missed in just a couple of days? They occasionally received email updates from the commander’s office but this place needed a daily memo or something. “You are?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “While you’re…doing your thing, I’m the lieutenant.”

  Now that she noticed, he was wearing different insignia. She gave him a high five. “No shit.”

  “For real.” Jones made a face. “I’ll be glad when this jag isn’t barking out orders. I liked it better when you were in charge.”

  Caroline smiled. “I did too. Soon enough, huh?”

  Gig speared a green bean, then put it back down. “How’s therapy going?”

  She sighed. “You’ve been trying to avoid that topic, haven’t you?”

  Crunch and Jones wouldn’t look at her but Gig’s gaze was impossible to ignore.

  “Only had one session but it was fine,” she said. “And I get to go to the gym any time I want.”