Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  She tugged on his shirt again. “Oh, Jack.”

  “Don’t make me leave,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to leave you alone. I need you.”

  “We can’t,” Caroline said. “I’m not ready.”

  He couldn’t let her walk away. Not anymore. Not when she was so goddamn close. “I can’t take no for an answer. Not tonight. Please, Caroline. I miss you so fucking much.” He unbuttoned her pants.

  She pulled him to her. “We shouldn’t-”

  “We should.” He pulled her hoodie above her head and tugged at her zipper. It came easily, and he yanked her pants down. “Please, baby. I want to do this for you.” He teased her through her panties and she moaned. “You like that, don’t you?”

  Caroline grabbed his shoulders for support. “Jack, we can’t – please stop.”

  He slid one finger back and forth across the thin cotton material, pleased at her physical response. She always reacted quickly and tonight was no exception. “You’re so wet,” he said. “Wet and wanting, all for me. You’ve missed me. Haven’t you?”

  Caroline scratched his back as he pressed his finger harder against her underwear. “You’re not playing fair.”

  After the way she’d treated him for the last six months? “I’m not here to play fair. Was it fair when you fell into bed with another man? Fair when you rejected me, time and time again?” He shoved his hand down her panties and thrust a finger inside her. Her knees buckled. “Was it fair when you denied me this even though you wanted it as much as I did?”

  She leaned into his neck. “Please, Jack. Don’t do it this way.”

  Her protests would get her nowhere. Not when she was so fucking turned on. “You love it,” he said quietly. “Don’t pretend you don’t.” He stroked her clit. “Did he give it to you like this?” He thrust his fingers inside her, deeper this time, and she cried out. “Was he better than me?”

  “No,” she gasped.

  “What was that?” he asked, working his fingers in and out.

  “No one…like you,” she choked out, tugging on his hair.

  Jack smiled. “That’s what I thought.” He brought his fingers to her clit again and grasped the back of her neck, holding her steady. Her legs were shaking. She was close. “Come for me, baby. You know you want to.”

  “Please-”

  She collapsed against him. He let her ride out her orgasm, her mouth at his ear, until she was clawing at his shoulders, begging him to stop. He brought her down to the floor, pulling her underwear and pants completely off in the process.

  “Wait,” she said. “I don’t-”

  “You want this. Don’t deny it. You’ve wanted this ever since I walked in your door today.” He unzipped his pants and smiled as Caroline eyed his cock. He knew she’d missed it and thrust inside her as hard as he could, the way she’d always liked it.

  She screamed and tried to push him off her. “No,” she said.

  “Yes,” he whispered, and thrust inside her again. She moaned, relaxing under him, and he forced her arms above her head. “I knew you wanted it. Does that feel good?” He thrust inside her again. She felt warm. Tight. And entirely his.

  He moved in and out of her as she moaned into his ear. Whispering his name. Part of him wanted it to last but the rest of him wanted to remind her of what he could give her. He knew she’d come back for more.

  “Did you like the way Gabe fucked you? Did you whisper his name the sweet way you whisper mine?” He moved inside her again. “Did you?”

  Caroline struggled in his grasp. “Jack, stop.”

  He gripped her wrists tighter. “You want this. You know you do. Your body is begging for it. And I’m the only man who can give it to you.” He slid in and out of her, slower this time, and she began to moan again. He leaned toward her ear. “Let yourself feel it, baby. You know you missed this.” She grasped his hair, stirring beneath him, and he sped up. “You always liked it rough,” he said.

  Caroline gasped again, unable to speak as he moved inside her. He kept going. He was more than willing to render her speechless. Maybe he’d get lucky and she’d let him do it more than once before the sun rose.

  “I love you,” he whispered. “I love doing this to you.” He thrust inside her again and knew he wouldn’t last much longer. Jack finished in a shudder, kissing her temple. He pulled back, expecting to see Caroline smiling up at him. But instead she thumped her hands into his chest, scrambling out from under him. She slipped into her underwear and rose to her feet.

  “Did that make you feel like a big man?” she asked, her voice trembling.

  Jack knelt on the carpet, zipping up his pants. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me, you bastard. Did you enjoy that?”

  “You wanted it,” he said.

  “The fuck I did.”

  “You were moaning in my ear, tugging at my hair. You loved it.”

  “I was trying to get you off of me!”

  He frowned at her. “Give me a break. You can’t very well have buyer’s remorse now. Not after you let me finger fuck you into oblivion. You couldn’t get enough of my cock when we were together. You begged for it all the time.”

  “Get the fuck out of my apartment,” she said.

  Jack stood up and adjusted his shirt. “You don’t want me to stay?” he asked, surprised.

  “No, I don’t want you to stay,” she snapped. “I want you to leave.” There were angry tears in her eyes. “You’re such a manipulative asshole.” Jack took a step toward her and she shoved him away. “Don’t touch me.”

  What the fuck was going on? “Caroline-”

  “No.” She let out a sob. “You took advantage of me. You did exactly what you did to me in your office, except this time you got the whole show, right? Do you feel good now? Get out.”

  She needed to listen to him. Why was she so upset? “Sweetheart-”

  “Don’t pull that shit. Get out before I cut your dick off.”

  Jack ran his fingers through his hair. She’d wanted it. She’d practically begged for it. With that fucking wet dream, the way she responded to his touch, the way she whispered his name and grabbed his shirt. What the hell was going on? “Fine,” he said. “I’ll leave.”

  She beat him to the door, opening it wide. “Leave,” she said frostily.

  “I said I would.” Jack pressed his way past her. “Goddamn tease,” he said under his breath.

  Caroline glared at him. “You’re exactly what she said you were.”

  Shit. When had she ever spoken to him that way before? “Caroline-”

  She shoved him a final time and slammed the door in his face. Jack could swear he heard her crying through the door, but instead of taking his chances he walked back to his own apartment.

  * * * * *

  Jack lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He’d been replaying the dream for hours, unable to let go of it. This was by far the most disturbing one he’d had, and it had started off in her apartment. The same way it had ended earlier in the day.

  He couldn’t wrap his head around what he’d done. This one had seemed real. Too real. Not in a good way, either. It reminded him of other things, more so than when he imagined himself sadistically abusing her in his office. He flashed back to an earlier time, long before he met Caroline, when he’d done everything in his power in every aspect of his life in order to get what he wanted.

  At least this time he felt nothing. No physical reaction at all. He’d never been so happy to have a limp dick.

  There was no way around it. He could try to rationalize, try to say that he seduced her or convinced her that she wanted it. He assaulted his wife. She said no, she told him to stop, she gave him every single social cue he needed, and he kept going. He couldn’t think of any possible way to explain his behavior that didn’t lead to the conclusion that he committed a crime. It didn’t matter that it was a dream.

  He stole a peek at his alarm clock. Only a few more hours before his day was to begin. He had a couple
of morning meetings he couldn’t shirk out of, but had to make time to clear his head tomorrow. It was late, but he texted Natalie anyway. It seemed less rude than calling.

  Need to speak with you in the afternoon. Vitally important.

  She responded almost immediately. Maybe she couldn’t sleep either.

  Come by at two. Need to talk now?

  Jack typed quickly.

  I’m okay. Thanks, though.

  His phone vibrated with a response within a minute.

  No problem. Try to get some sleep. I’m sure everything will be fine.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “You sounded odd on the phone last night,” Natalie said, as Caroline settled into her usual chair. “What’s wrong?”

  Caroline hadn’t slept at all. Not terribly unusual, but the night had been rougher than most. “I don’t know where to start.”

  “We weren’t due for another session for a couple of days. Something is upsetting you. Is it what happened yesterday?”

  Simple questions. Natalie, Jack, her friends…they all asked such simple questions knowing there were no easy answers. “Kind of.”

  “I’m sorry,” Natalie said. “Maybe I should have come over.”

  “No, you were on a date. You can’t totally disrupt your life for me.”

  “It wasn’t that great. Mark was in a shitty mood. I didn’t sleep much myself.” Natalie rubbed her forehead. “But you don’t need to hear about that.”

  Caroline tried not to laugh. Maybe she could let Natalie tell her about her love life another time. “I bet your relationship problems are easier to solve than mine.”

  “Probably.” Natalie rummaged around for a pen. That hadn’t taken long. “I shouldn’t have forced Jack to talk about that stuff. I thought it would help. Further proof that I’m not the world’s most highly skilled therapist.”

  If the three of them got any more insecure, the earth would open up and swallow them whole. Natalie was making her mistake out to be more than it was. “It’s not that,” Caroline said. “Although I wish he would have told me earlier. It’s something else. Something happened.”

  “Between you and Jack?”

  “Yeah.”

  Natalie didn’t look surprised at her answer. “Tell me about it.”

  “He came over to see me after our session. I guess he stuck around to talk to you?”

  “He did. He was extremely upset at how things ended.”

  “I know,” Caroline said quietly. “I could tell.”

  “What happened after he came over?”

  “We started talking.”

  “Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?”

  Caroline used to have standard answers for intrusive or complicated questions. And now she had no idea how to respond. “Everything keeps getting so complicated. Half of the time I don’t know what I’m saying or doing or why I’m saying or doing it, and the other half of the time I’m wishing I’d said or done it differently. Does that make sense?”

  Natalie smiled wryly. “No, but go on.”

  “I don’t know if any of this is making a difference.”

  “You don’t feel different?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Caroline, you’re sitting here expressing your feelings with very little prompting. Can’t you see how that might be different from when we first started talking?”

  It didn’t seem like progress. Every day was a struggle and she was swimming in syrup and sinking deeper every minute. Was she expecting too much? “I guess.”

  “You did it yesterday with Jack. Don’t you think it’s getting easier to talk to him too?”

  Caroline didn’t remember anything but her uncooperative behavior during the previous day’s discussion. Nothing had really happened until Jack had come to her apartment. “I don’t – I’m not sure that I like that it’s getting easier.”

  “It’s okay to feel close to him. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s okay to let people in.”

  Permission from her therapist to pretend to be a real person. How nice. Caroline crossed her arms over her chest and didn’t say anything.

  “What’s really bothering you?” Natalie asked. “What happened yesterday?”

  What hadn’t happened yesterday? “I was thinking about stupid things during our session. Really stupid, shallow things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Jewelry.”

  Natalie stifled a laugh. “Okay. Objectively that sounds shallow but keep going.”

  Caroline wasn’t sure if she wanted to think about it again. Not when it hurt so much. “Jack gave me this necklace on our first date. It was completely extravagant but it was so beautiful. It was all I could think about while he was talking. I don’t know why I was so hung up on it.”

  “Did you have what you consider an unhealthy attachment to material items?”

  “Yes. But one might argue I’ve formed unhealthy attachments to people, too.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far. I doubt you had hangups over material items, either. What happened after the session?”

  “Jack and I were sitting on the couch talking. I could tell – he looked so sad, Natalie. He looks sad all the time and I know it’s my fault. I felt so guilty for dwelling on this fucking necklace. I mean, everything that’s happened to me and I’m focused on this stupid damn diamond solitaire that I don’t have anymore. I’m disgusted with myself.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “He could tell I was upset. And he wanted to hug me. So I let him. And I-” She shut her eyes. If only Natalie knew. Caroline had fucked up that interaction in so many ways.

  “What happened, Caroline? What did you do?”

  “I didn’t do anything. I leaned in, even though it wasn’t fair.” She opened her eyes. “It isn’t fair for me to let him think there’s a chance for us, is there?”

  “That depends on whether you’ve foreclosed it as an option.”

  She could almost catch a whiff of his familiar scent hanging in the air in Natalie’s office. “He smelled so good,” Caroline whispered. “And it felt so good to be in his arms. I felt safe. I can’t-” She pressed her knuckles to her lips.

  “It’s okay, Caroline.”

  All she did when she talked to her doctor was fall apart. Couldn’t keep her voice steady, couldn’t hold her emotions together, couldn’t think straight for more than a few seconds at a time. It was fucking embarrassing. “It’s really hard to talk about this.”

  Natalie gave her a reassuring smile. “I know. Keep going. You’re doing great.”

  “He was wearing cologne and it triggered something. A memory, I don’t know. Like what happened last time. I took a nap and had this really graphic sex dream and after I woke up it was obvious he’d heard me talking in my sleep and he knew what I was dreaming about and he tried to-”

  Forget his cologne. She could feel his hands. His lips. Hear his voice. Sense his presence, comforting as it had been. Before she’d blown everything up.

  “What did he try?” Natalie asked.

  “He wanted to – to touch me. To sleep with me. But I couldn’t – I’m not ready for that,” she stammered. “I can’t – I don’t-”

  “Calm down, Caroline. It’s okay.”

  “I yelled at him and kicked him out. I don’t know why.”

  “You know why. Stop lying to yourself.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut again. “Why is he doing this to me?”

  “He’s not doing anything, not purposefully,” Natalie said. “He’s responding to you. He’s trying to help.”

  That was all he’d ever wanted to do and she didn’t have the strength to accept it. Caroline put her face in her hands. “I can’t handle this. It’s too much.”

  “He wants to help you process it. Everything. Not just your issues with him.”

  Caroline couldn’t burden Jack with the little things. How could she possibly saddle him with everything? “He doesn’t know what they did to me in there.”

  “Wh
y haven’t you told him?”

  Because I’m scared. Because I’ve done enough to him already. “I can’t – that’s too much for him. He can’t deal with that. He has enough guilt as it is.”

  “So you’re going to heighten your own suffering by not allowing him to help you? You haven’t told me hardly anything. You need to tell someone. Tell him.”

  “You make it sound easy and it’s not.”

  Natalie took the seat next to her. “I know it’s not. But you’ve got to take some chances with him. He’s not going to reject you. You know that he’ll accept you despite any misgivings you may have.”

  Caroline thought back to the day before, remembering how Jack had held her, the warmth in his voice, the sincerity in his eyes. The tears started to fall. “I hate him,” she whispered.

  “No, you don’t.”

  “I do.”

  “Why?”

  She put her elbows on her knees, massaging her forehead with the palms of her hands. She couldn’t talk about this. Not with Natalie, not with the guys, and definitely not with Jack. Who did she have? No one.

  Natalie put her hand on Caroline’s shoulder. “Why do you hate him?” she asked quietly.

  “I can’t-”

  “You can tell me. It stays in this room. I promise.”

  She couldn’t say it even if Natalie would understand. Her doctor probably knew anyway if she’d been paying attention. Which made the secret that much more dangerous…one more person who knew more than she felt comfortable revealing. Caroline rubbed her scalp, trying to get herself back under control, sniffling as a tear rolled off her nose and onto the floor. She lifted her head up and looked Natalie in the eyes.

  “I hate him for making me love him,” she said, and started to sob.

  Natalie squeezed her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not.” Caroline put her head back in her hands. “I miss him.”

  “I know you do. That’s why I hate to see the two of you torturing yourselves like this.”

  Natalie’s palm was warm on her back, her voice soothing. How did she do that…be as comforting as she was competent? Capable people were worrisome because they knew when they were surrounded by people who didn’t know what they were doing. Natalie had to know the truth – that her patient was entirely useless. A lost emotional and intellectual cause. Caroline took a deep breath and pulled her head up, wiping her face. “I can’t be close to him, Natalie. I can’t let him in. It hurts too much.”