Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  “Come on, Jack. Tell me what you see.”

  He stared down at his hands. Of course she wouldn’t let it go. “I see myself.”

  “In your dreams, do you ever hurt yourself?”

  He thought about hurting himself all the time when he was awake. But he wasn’t about to volunteer a response to an unasked question. Some truths had to stay hidden. “No.”

  “Does Caroline ever hurt you?”

  “Sometimes. With words.”

  “That’s not what I mean. Does she use violence?”

  “No. Never.”

  “Do you want to hear my totally unqualified, absolutely unscientific analysis of your dreams?” Natalie asked.

  He knew he didn’t have much choice. “Go ahead, I guess.”

  “You’re projecting your anger at yourself onto your wife.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You want to hurt yourself so you’re hurting her.”

  He could play that off. Rather well. “That makes no sense.”

  “It’s inside your head, Jack. It doesn’t have to make sense.”

  Nothing made sense, whether it was in his mind or not. “Why doesn’t she fight back in the dreams?”

  “Because you don’t want her to. You want her to acquiesce and most of the time she does.” Natalie chewed on the end of her pen. “You’re projecting your fears onto her. You’re mad she won’t talk to you, but in your dreams you can coerce her into doing what you want. And that scares you.”

  “I would never hurt her.”

  “You’re afraid you might.”

  Dammit, she hadn’t even bothered framing that as a question. And she was right. Who knew how much damage he’d already caused? “It would be so easy I might not even realize what I’d done until after the fact.”

  “She’s stronger than you think.”

  “That doesn’t mean she can’t be hurt. And I’m the only one…I mean…”

  “You have to tread lightly, but not as lightly as you think. You’re frustrated because she won’t give you the answers you want. She doesn’t react to you in the way you desire. And you think you might push her too far. You won’t. Trust me. But in your subconscious, it doesn’t matter, which means that, well-” Natalie blushed.

  Thank God she hadn’t verbalized the rest of that sentence. “I miss touching her,” Jack said. “Holding her. I miss being with her. Talking and laughing and…the unspoken comfort we would give one another. I’m not going to lie about missing the physical aspect of our relationship. But I’d never hurt her sexually, Natalie. Ever.”

  “I know.”

  Her reassurances didn’t lessen his guilt. “What do I do about it? I can’t control it.”

  “That doesn’t matter. You can control your conscious behavior. Focus on that. The rest will take care of itself.”

  “How can I mend things with Caroline when she won’t talk to me?”

  Natalie pondered her answer for a moment. “She is talking to you, Jack. On her own terms. Not as this idealized vision you have floating around in your head, where she says what you want to hear and does what you want her to do. You have to take her as she is and recognize that you have your own issues as well.” She held up a finger before Jack could cut her off. “This is a process. It might take longer than you want. And it might not end with the desired result.”

  “What about the dreams?”

  “Forget about the dreams. You feel bad about them.”

  Jack coughed. “They…aroused me. Except for the one last night.”

  “That’s not unusual,” Natalie said. “A lot of people fantasize about things they’d never actually do. And you have never forced yourself on Caroline.”

  God help him if that ever happened. “No. I never have.”

  “You walked away last night.”

  “I did. But then I had a dream that I didn’t.”

  “Do you plan on acting on it?”

  “Hell no. But I don’t think teasing her was fair, either.” Jack rubbed his eyes. “She’s so afraid to let anyone in, and I could have made it worse. If I’d done anything I would have broken her. She’s not ready to be that close to me. Not yet. Why did I even think that was appropriate? I hate what I did and I’m afraid I might do it again. I’ve already done it twice.”

  “You love her. You had a very profound relationship. I highly doubt that’s going to happen again. No matter what you’ve been dreaming about.”

  That didn’t stop him from worrying about it. All the damn time. “It might.”

  “It won’t,” she said firmly. “You miss her. And she misses you too, even though you believe otherwise. Did you see the look on her face after you told her what Christine said?”

  A momentary burst of hope had filled him when it had happened. But it had long since passed. “She’s pissed as hell at me.”

  “Maybe. But she loves you too. You have to know that.”

  Natalie often gave him remarkable insight but that theory was off the wall. “You have to be fucking kidding me.”

  “I’m not kidding. She doesn’t want to admit her feelings. That’s why she ran out of here yesterday.”

  “You’re making a lot of assumptions about her,” Jack said. “About us.”

  “You think I’m wrong?”

  “I see nothing but contempt when she looks at me.”

  “You’re not looking hard enough.”

  “Maybe she masks it better when other people are in the room.”

  “You’ve described a woman who was completely devoted to you and gave you everything she had. I can’t imagine that Caroline has morphed into the kind of person who could forget all of that. Despite her struggles right now.”

  Dr. Haddad was young. Idealistic. She didn’t understand. “I shattered my wife’s trust in me.”

  “Human beings have a tremendous capacity for forgiveness.”

  “Not always.”

  “You’re being cynical. You don’t want to admit that your faith is slipping.”

  Every day that passed, it slipped further. “I’m getting a bit frustrated, yes.”

  “But you said you thought she felt something, right? When she looked at you during our session?”

  Pity, anger, remorse, regret. He didn’t know what he saw or what she felt. “Feeling sorry for me and loving me are two very different things.”

  Natalie sighed. “The two of you are so ridiculous sometimes. Didn’t you notice how she reacted? When she grabbed your hand?”

  “She had a temporary lapse. It didn’t mean anything.”

  She gave Jack a hard look. “Maybe not, but it’s all you’ve got to hold onto so I suggest you take it.”

  He stared down at the floor. If he kept eye contact with Natalie he’d end up spilling more than he wanted to. “You were right,” he said quietly. “We should have done this when she first got here. Therapy for both of us, separately and together.”

  “We have to deal with where she’s at today, not six months ago.”

  At least she was gracious enough not to rub his nose in it. “I can’t help it, Natalie. I find myself pushing her harder than she wants. Harder than I wanted to. I don’t want her to completely fall apart.”

  “She’s not going to break. Not with you. Trust yourself. You know her real boundaries. I think you can nudge her.” Natalie smiled. “Just not with sex.”

  Jack smiled back at her. “Touché.”

  “You can prod her into opening up to you. I know she wants to.”

  His smile faded. “She’s so lost. She wants help. Even when she can’t ask for it. But she doesn’t want it from me.”

  “You have to be patient.”

  “I’ve been patient,” he said, his voice rising. “Six months of being patient as hell. Before that a year of processing, a year of being alone, a year of blaming myself for every damn thing I might have ever done wrong in our relationship. Of overanalyzing every conversation, every misstep, every decision I ever made about anything.”

&
nbsp; “You’re putting more of this on yourself than you deserve.”

  “She hates me,” he said. “She can barely stand the sight of me.”

  “Caroline doesn’t hate you, Jack. She’s torn. I don’t know one tenth of what happened to her but from what I gather it was incredibly traumatic.”

  Jack had spent hours trying not to think about that. He was upset that Caroline hadn’t told him anything but was more worried that what she had to say would be worse than what he’d already imagined. “She won’t talk to me about any of it. She’s lost her confidence, her heart, her essence of being. I thought that was the one thing I could give her – security – but I can’t even do that. She’s never going to forgive me.”

  Natalie moved to his side, clasping his hand in hers. “You cannot give up,” she said. “Caroline needs you but she’s afraid to admit it. Keep trying.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Remember what she was like when she first got here? Think of the way she is now. Better, right?”

  Jack smiled dourly. “I guess so. At least she can be in the same room with me for more than a few minutes at a time.”

  “She’s made a tremendous amount of progress. But she feels useless.” Natalie went back to her desk and wrote something down. “We should get her back to work.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. She and I had a very productive session today before we went to lunch. She told me about what happened last night. And she didn’t characterize it in nearly the same way that you did. I believe you have cause for optimism but don’t push too hard. She’s all over the place when it comes to you. But her mind is focused when it comes to everything else.”

  “I don’t know if I want her back on duty.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want anything to happen to her.”

  “What are you going to do? Lock her in her apartment until Santos is taken out? That seems counterproductive.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Full, active duty.”

  No. It hadn’t been long enough. He needed more time to yank her out of that combat unit and into his panel of advisors. “I don’t care for that idea. I think she’s bound to do something irrational.”

  “You’ve got to take that chance. You have to trust her.”

  “Do you?”

  “Put her with her old unit. She’ll have to ease back into things anyway. You need to do this.”

  A nice non-answer, but that was beside the point. Natalie wasn’t technically one of his advisors but he knew when to listen to her. It was a risk. A big risk. But he could take it. They’d made progress, after all. He could keep the line moving. “You’re right. It’s not fair to do anything else.” He stood up and glanced at the calendar on her desk. “I’ll tell Caroline in the morning. Is that all right?”

  “I don’t see why not.” Natalie rose to escort him out of her office. “She’s going to be okay, Jack. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

  “Easy for you to say. You aren’t lusting after her.”

  “Please don’t tell me anything else. Write it down in a diary or something.”

  Jack returned her smile. “Okay. Thanks, Natalie. You’ve been a tremendous help. I hope you know what that means to me.”

  “I know. Go be the rebel commander instead of the guy who cries on my shoulder.”

  He stuck out his hand. “Have a good one, Dr. Haddad.”

  Natalie shook it firmly. “You too. Get out of here.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Caroline opened her door to go to the gym the next morning and was surprised to find a box on her welcome mat. Not that she needed or wanted a welcome mat, but it had been there when she’d been assigned the living quarters and she hadn’t bothered moving it. The box was wrapped in blue paper with a silver bow on top. Her favorite colors. She brought it inside her living room and opened the card attached to it.

  I hope this brightens your day and makes you think of the many lives you have touched, especially those who have loved you unconditionally. Please stop by and visit me later. I have some news for you.

  Happy birthday, sweetheart.

  Jack

  Caroline opened the box. It was full of candy. More specifically, Ghirardelli dark chocolate and caramel squares. Her eyes filled with tears as Christine’s face flashed across her memory. But she wasn’t mad at Jack for making the effort. He hadn’t done it to hurt her. During their marriage he hadn’t spent too much time dwelling on Caroline’s relationship with her best friend, since Chrissy and Jack so rarely got along. She and Christine had been born over a decade apart but their birthdays were within a day of each other. Caroline was surprised that he’d remembered.

  After staring at the box and wiping away tears, she started smiling, remembering how she used to hassle Christine and deplete her candy supply when she wasn’t looking. Caroline grabbed a few pieces since she hadn’t eaten anything yet. It had been a long time since she’d eaten anything that decadent, and the sweetness of the caramel blended with the bitterness of the chocolate soothed her.

  She had forgotten it was her birthday. It had taken her a minute to remember how old she was. She didn’t know what month or day of the week it was, what the weather would be in the morning or the afternoon or the evening, because why did it matter? Maybe she accepted San Diego’s temperate climate, or she stopped caring because time ran on regardless, or perhaps those details weren’t all that important in the grand scheme of things.

  She accumulated a nice little pile of wrappers on the couch next to her before she decided to head over to Jack’s office to thank him. It was the polite thing to do and he needed to see her anyway. She changed out of her gym clothes, knowing she could fit in a workout in the afternoon. Jack wasn’t a big chocolate fan but she grabbed another handful of the candy and shoved it in her pocket before heading out the door.

  * * * * *

  Captain Schroeder was sitting at his usual place behind his desk in Jack’s outer office.

  “Is the commander in?” Caroline asked. “He said he wanted to talk to me.”

  Jack’s assistant never seemed happy to see her. “Just a minute,” he said, picking up the phone. “Major Gerard is here. Are you sure? All right.” Schroeder hung up the receiver. “You can go in there now.”

  Such a surly gatekeeper. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to punch him.” Caroline poked around in her pocket. “Want a piece of chocolate?”

  “No, thanks.”

  She hoped some candy might help him lighten up. “Your loss,” she said, making a point of shutting the door when she went inside Jack’s office. She didn’t want any churlish eavesdroppers.

  Jack smiled when he saw her. “Good morning, Caroline.”

  “Good morning.” She pulled the chocolate out of her pocket. “I brought you a present.”

  “How nice of you.”

  “Some guy gave them to me.”

  “Castoff gifts. Even better.”

  He seemed in an uncommonly good mood. “May I sit down?” she asked.

  “Of course.”

  Caroline put the candy on his desk and took a seat. Jack gestured toward the chocolate. “How much have you had to eat already?” he asked.

  “A few.”

  “Bit of a sugar high?”

  “Maybe.” He must have attributed her equally decent mood to her choice of breakfast. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For the gift. I, um, forgot it was my birthday.”

  “I figured you probably would.”

  “It was nice. You didn’t need to get me anything.”

  “Yes, I did. I’m sorry it couldn’t be from Hershey but as you might imagine, it’s quite difficult to get anything shipped to a rebel base from the United States.”

  “I can imagine.” Caroline snatched one of the pieces off his desk, thinking of Chrissy again. “They tasted pretty good.”

  “I hope I didn’t trigger anything.” H
is brow furrowed. She must not have been able to hide the expression on her face. “I – it seemed appropriate.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I actually did like Christine, you know. Despite what she may have thought of me.”

  “It’s fine,” she repeated.

  “She might have loved you even more than I did. She certainly knew you better.”

  Dammit. “Jack-”

  “I miss her too,” he said quietly.

  Caroline put the chocolate back on the desk. “Please don’t do this, Jack.” Tears flooded her eyes. “I can’t have this conversation. Not today.”

  He crouched down by her chair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have gotten you anything. Or at least, not something that reminded you of-”

  She blinked the tears back. “I said it was fine. Jesus.”

  Jack stood up. “I’m sorry.”

  He never knew when to stop but she felt bad for yelling. All that therapy and not a damn thing had changed. Caroline turned away from him. “You said you had news for me.”

  He returned to his desk. “I’d first like to apologize for the terrible way I behaved the other night. That was inappropriate. I told you – no, I promised you I wouldn’t try anything and then I turned around and did exactly that. And I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No,” he said. “It’s not. I don’t want to force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I want you to do things on your own terms, on your own timeline. Not on mine.”

  Man, he was into repetition this morning, which forced her to respond in kind. “I said it’s okay,” Caroline said. “Is that the only reason you asked me to come over here?”

  Jack let out a slow breath. “No, there’s something else. Natalie and I spoke at length yesterday. We agree it’s time for you to return to duty.”

  Words she hadn’t expected to hear. “Huh?”

  “You seem surprised.”

  “Were you not at the same disastrous therapy session we had earlier this week?”

  “It didn’t go that badly.”

  Caroline frowned. Either he had a highly selective memory or he was lying.

  “We managed to have a decent conversation afterwards,” he said. “Aside from me fucking it up at the end.”