Bad for You

by J. Daniels

  “What’s a futon?” he asked, brow tight and already disapproving.

  “It’s like a couch-bed thing. I don’t know. Go check it out.” I motioned at the door to the second bedroom, and he quickly stalked in that direction.

  “You don’t mind sharing a room, do you?” I asked Eli when we were alone. “I really don’t want you guys sleeping on the couch. You should be in a room.”

  “I’m g-good,” he said, smiling.

  “You’re also my favorite,” I whispered.

  His smile grew into a grin.

  “I’m not sleeping on that,” Dominic griped, storming back out into the living room and hooking his thumb behind him. “That room smells like straight-up chemicals. I’ll probably wake up choking on my own puke.”

  I sighed and dropped my head back.

  Who knew thirteen-year-old boys could be this dramatic?

  “I’m not telling you to sleep in there, Dom,” I said, moving into the kitchen and surveying meal choices in the fridge. “I was just giving you the option. Either take my bedroom or choke on your own puke. It’s your call.” I pulled out the butter, ham, and sliced cheddar cheese. When I turned around to grab the bread off the counter, I flinched, startled by the slamming of my bedroom door.

  Bending down to peer below the hanging cabinets, I smiled at an uneasy-looking Eli.

  “Hungry?”

  By the time I coaxed Dominic out of the bedroom, promising to give up my wi-fi password if he ate with us—a card I really didn’t want to play yet, but I was desperate and out of options that didn’t involve smoking him out by starting a fire—I already had an idea how dinner was going to play out.

  And when he finally did emerge, brow furrowed, mouth tight, and footsteps heavy, looking ready to eat me instead of the meal I’d prepared, that idea blossomed into full-blown reality.

  Still, I wasn’t giving up yet.

  “Glad you could join us,” I said, smiling when Dominic reached the table.

  He scoffed and kicked out the chair next to Eli, slumping into it. “Password?” he asked.

  “After dinner.”

  His face burned with rage. “That wasn’t the deal, Shay.”

  “Well, unless you’d like to explain to Mom and Dad why you’re running up their bill, it’s the only deal.” I pointed my spoon at him. “You’re lucky I don’t make you wait until the end of the week.”

  His eyes widened, and he visibly tensed. I’d be lying if I said a little part of me didn’t enjoy seeing that.

  “I won’t do that, though, because I’m an awesome sister,” I said, relieving his anxiety. I looked to Eli. “Right, E?”

  He nodded and slurped up his soup.

  “Eat, Dom. Then I’ll give you the password.”

  Dominic scooted closer to the table and looked down at his food. “Grilled cheese and tomato soup?” he asked, sounding unimpressed.

  “It was chilly today,” I replied. “This is the perfect meal for chilly weather.”

  “Whatever,” he grumbled, dunking his sandwich and biting into it.

  “There’s ham in some of them.” I scooted the plate of extras closer to the boys.

  “I don’t like ham,” Dominic said, mouth stuffed full as he shoved in another bite.

  I narrowed my eyes and watched him eat, realizing he was doing it fast and risking choking himself just to get that damn wi-fi password, which would get him away from this table, and thus, away from me.

  Crap.

  I didn’t have much time. If this meal was going to somehow bring us together, I had to act quickly.

  “Do you want to talk about Nana?” I asked, looking between my brothers.

  They hadn’t been as close to my grandparents as I had been, but that didn’t mean they weren’t affected by this. Their grief mattered too. I wanted them to know that.

  Dominic shrugged and kept eating. Looking to Eli, I watched his gaze lift from the table.

  “You okay?” I asked him.

  He nodded.

  “Do you guys have any homework?”

  “No,” Dominic said.

  Eli nodded again.

  “After dinner, we’re getting on that.” I watched my perfect youngest brother comply, just like he seemed to do with everything. “What kind of dinners would you guys like this week?” I dunked one half of my sandwich into the soup. “I’m going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I can pick up whatever you want. Do you want to do pasta or something tomorrow night? Like spaghetti?”

  Eli lifted his head. “With g-garlic bread?”

  I grinned. “Hell, yes. Is there any other way to eat spaghetti?” Getting approval from Eli, I looked to Dominic. “Does that sound good, Dom?”

  He lifted the bowl to his mouth and tipped it back, draining every last drop of soup. Then setting the bowl on his empty plate, he wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand and shoved the dishes to the center of the table before getting to his feet. “Password?”

  I exhaled a defeated breath, ready to give it up because I refused to go back on my word and risk losing Dominic’s trust, no matter how badly I wanted to deny him, but just as my mouth opened, my cell phone rang from the kitchen.

  “One sec,” I said, getting to my feet.

  Dominic, making all kinds of hate noises at me, slumped back into his chair and brought his arms across his chest.

  I was happy to see him seated again and debated dragging out this phone call all night, no matter who it was.

  “Hello?” I answered, retrieving my phone off the counter. I didn’t recognize the number.

  “Hi, Ms. Perkins. This is Erin Kennedy, Dominic’s math teacher. Your mother gave the office your contact info.”

  “Oh, hi. How are you?”

  “I’m just calling to let you know Dominic missed his tutoring session today. Were you aware he stayed after school for that?”

  I turned my head and glared across the table, keeping my voice smooth and pleasant. “No, I had no idea he was tutored.” I watched my brother sink lower into his seat, avoiding my eyes. “It was today?”

  “Yes. It’s every Tuesday and Friday. We’re really trying to get his grade up, so it’s really important he makes these sessions.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling so pissed off I could scream. “I had no idea he was supposed to stay after today. I’m so sorry. My mom forgot to mention it.”

  “Well, I’m sure she has a lot on her mind. She informed the office of your grandmother’s passing. I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Thank you. That’s nice of you to say.” Grabbing a notepad and pen out of the kitchen drawer, I sat back down at the table and scribbled that information down so I wouldn’t forget it. “My brother will definitely be there Friday. I’ll make sure of that,” I said, keeping my eyes on Dominic, who was refusing to look at me.

  “Okay. That sounds great. Have a good night, Ms. Perkins.”

  “You too.” Disconnecting the call, I dropped my phone on the table and sat back, staring hard as silence filled the apartment. “Is there a reason you didn’t tell me you had tutoring today?” I asked Dominic.

  He shrugged and kept looking at the table. “You were there to pick me up.”

  “So?” I sat forward, the movement lifting his eyes. “You could’ve told me you had to stay after, Dom. I would’ve just gone to get Eli and waited for you. Why didn’t you just say something?”

  “Why didn’t you know?” he asked, voice growing louder. “Shouldn’t Mom have told you?”

  My lips pressed together.

  I understood my brother’s argument. I couldn’t fault him for it.

  For the briefest moment during that phone call, I had allowed myself to wonder the same thing, shamefully putting blame on my mother, but then the reality of the situation made it obvious.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe she just forgot, Dom, since she has so much going on right now. What with Nana dying and everything happening with Dad. Maybe she expected you to say something to me, since
it’s your life.”

  His jaw started clenching the moment I mentioned our father. “Whatever. This isn’t my fault. It’s his fault,” he spat. “I wouldn’t even need tutoring if it wasn’t for him. Nobody helps me anymore. If I’m stuck, it’s on me. Mom doesn’t care I’m failing. Nobody cares! And you know what? I don’t even want your stupid fucking password anymore. I’ll run up their bill. I want to.” Dominic shoved back from the table and stood with such force, he knocked the chair over. Then he turned and stalked away.

  “Hey!” I yelled after him. “Don’t say things like that! What’s the matter with you?”

  The bedroom door slamming was his only response.

  I sat back, feeling angry but also completely understanding where my brother was coming from. And that was why I stayed in that chair.

  I’d never wanted to shake and hug someone to death simultaneous before, and I wasn’t sure which urge would dominate if I went after him.

  Looking to Eli, I watched him pick at the corner of his crust.

  “Hey. You okay?” I asked, reaching across the table and putting my hand on top of his.

  “H-He’s mad about D-Dad,” Eli said. “H-He g-gets s-so m-mad at h-home, S-Shay. H-He’s…s-s-s-” Eli shook his head, his face growing red with frustration.

  I squeezed his hand, hating the pain and embarrassment he was feeling and wanting more than anything to take that away. “I know. That’s just how he’s dealing with it,” I said. “If he acts mean or gets mad at you, he doesn’t mean it, okay?”

  Eli nodded and looked into my face with the one eye not covered by his hair. “Is D-Dad g-gonna get b-better?”

  “I don’t know, E. I hope so.”

  My stomach tightened into a knot.

  I didn’t know which was worse, saying those words or being on the receiving end of them. I felt terrible. I hated adding to Eli’s worry. And Dom—I didn’t want him thinking I didn’t care. I just wanted to do everything I could to make this easier on everyone, especially my brothers.

  And I was off to a shitty start with it, that was for damn sure.

  “I’m f-full,” Eli said, pushing away his plate gently.

  “Okay. Get started on your homework. I’m here if you need any help, okay?”

  He smiled softly before leaving the table.

  Okay, so dinner hadn’t turned out the way I had hoped. But I wasn’t discouraged. I had a plan. I could help with homework. I could make sure Dom got to his tutoring. And I could do everything in my power to make this easier on them.

  Tearing off a piece of notebook paper, I scribbled the wi-fi password down, crossed the apartment, and stuck the paper halfway under the bedroom door.

  Eight seconds later, I watched that paper disappear, and I turned away, smiling.

  Chapter Four

  Sean

  The cold metal of the cuffs pinched my skin as they tightened to the point of pain.

  “Please,” I rasped, breathing erratically, my cheek pressed to the hood of the squad car as I got searched and read my rights.

  I couldn’t hear a damn thing the cop was saying. I could only hear the high-pitched, terrified screaming coming from the car my body had just been dragged out of.

  They were wailing—my girls. Both of them. Scared and needing me, not knowing what was happening. Their terror filled my ears.

  I blinked, feeling wetness run down my face and drip onto the hood. Struggling to see clearly, I kept looking through that windshield at the back seat. My gaze fixated as I panted heavy breaths.

  Every time one of them moved, I got a glimpse.

  Blonde heads whipping about, red faces streaked with tears, and tiny hands reaching, seeking comfort and safety. Seeking me, and I couldn’t go to them. They needed to be told it was going to be okay. Somebody needed to tell them.

  “Daddy! Daddy!”

  A violent shudder tore through me.

  I’d been cooperative up until this point, but now, fuck that. I thrashed against the hood, bucking back and cursing, spit flying out of my mouth as I tried with all my strength to get this prick off me so I could get up, because I needed to go. I needed to get to them and tell them I was sorry. They needed to know it was going to be okay. It was all going to be okay and they were safe, and I was never, ever going to hurt them like this again. I was never going to let anything hurt them. And I’d fucking kill anyone who tried.

  The cop shoved me down, pressing on the back of my head and gripping my hair so tight, I sucked in a breath. He was saying stuff to me, but I couldn’t hear him.

  “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

  The screams grew louder and more desperate.

  Rage blurred and spotted my vision. I fought harder, nothing stopping me, not even when I felt the blood dripping down my hands from the cuffs as they started tearing my skin off.

  I fought knowing I shouldn’t be fighting, and not caring. I was getting to my girls.

  “DADDY!”

  “Fuck! Let me the fuck up!” I roared, struggling in his unrelenting grip. “Get off me! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”

  Pain shot up my side when I was struck below my ribs. I groaned, and my knees buckled, momentarily halting my efforts to get away. But the cop was sick of my shit and knew I wasn’t done. He threw his weight on top of me and slammed me forward, crushing me against the hood and draining the air from my lungs. I struggled to breathe.

  “Please,” I croaked. “I gotta see them. They’re scared.”

  The cuffs tightened, and my hands went numb.

  I kept my eyes on that windshield as I was dragged off the car and thrown in the back seat. The cop said something to me before slamming the door shut. I didn’t hear him.

  I heard their screams. Or maybe it was my own.

  * * *

  Gasping awake, I pitched forward and knocked over the can of soda by my leg, spilling it onto the wood floor I’d discovered after pulling up the carpet.

  “Fuck!” I pulled off my shirt, not having a rag near me, and used that to clean up the mess before it soaked in and ruined the wood. Then I balled up the wet tee and tossed it across the room, rubbing at my face as I slumped against the wall.

  I was used to the nightmares. Hell, I welcomed them. They were a good reminder of what I’d done and what I deserved to feel for the rest of my life. That regret was never leaving me. I wouldn’t let it.

  My girls scared and screaming was the last memory I deserved to have of them.

  But it wasn’t what they deserved.

  I’d give them better. I’d make up for what I did. I’d give my girls everything I never had, and this time, I’d do it right.

  Getting to my feet, I walked over to the tall lamp I’d stuck in the corner of the room and turned it on, giving me enough light to work.

  It was pitch black outside. I knew it was late. I knew I could’ve stopped and called it a night. My shoulders and back ached, begging for relief, and that burning pain in my neck was still there, but I ignored it. I ignored everything. Even though I’d gotten a lot done already after getting home from work, there was still too much left to do. I needed to keep going.

  I tied my hair back, grabbed the fraying edge of the carpet and pulled, ripping it clear off the floor.

  I worked for hours, not sitting down again because I knew I’d fall asleep, and I hadn’t meant to the first time. Once I got all the carpet up in the living room, I moved on to something else. I patched holes in the drywall, then I got to work on the kitchen, taking out cabinets that were busted up or on the verge of breaking once you sat one fucking dish in them. I worked until I would catch my eyes closing and jerk awake while holding power tools, finally stopping then because I knew I was risking injury doing some of the shit I was doing without focus.

  If I got hurt, I’d have stop, and I didn’t have time for that.

  It was after three when I finally called it a night.

  After cleaning up and showering, I went to my room. All the furniture I owned was in there: a mattress tha
t sat on the floor and one of those old military trunks I kept all my clothes in. That was it. I didn’t even have a fucking bed.

  Pulling on a pair of boxers, I sat on the edge of the mattress and pulled up the contacts on my phone. There were two.

  Nate and my ex, Val.

  I hit dial, pushed my wet hair back, and pressed the phone to my ear, waiting for the greeting I always got no matter what fucking time I called her.

  I understood why she never picked up. I was just hoping she was listening.

  “Hey, it’s me,” I said, clearing the sleep from my voice. “Just wanted to let you know I got a place. A house. It ain’t much, but it’s better than the trailer. The girls will have a room and shit here, so…Look, it’s a fuckin’ dump now, but I’m fixing it up, and when it’s ready, I’d like the girls to see it. I’m really trying to do right by them this time. I want them to have what I didn’t. I want that more than I ever wanted anything, you know that, but I’m doin’ it right. It’s fuckin’ killing me, but I’m doing it, Val. Just think about letting me see them. Please. I’ll call when I have it ready. Just hear me out. That’s all I’m askin’.” I shook my head, nostrils flaring, so fucking angry with myself. “Christ, I know I don’t have any right to be askin’ shit from you, but I’m askin’ for them. I’m not doin’ this for me. I don’t deserve nothin’ anymore, I know that, just let me make this right. I’ll call when it’s ready. Please, just hear me out. I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”

  Ending the call, I fell back on the mattress and gripped the phone against my bare chest.

  I could feel my heart slamming in suffering against my rib cage. I was panting, my skin breaking out in a sweat, my stomach rolling and twisting.

  I worried she wouldn’t listen. I worried I’d never get the opportunity to fix my mistakes. I worried this was all for nothing. And I had no fucking right to worry about anything.

  Feel like shit, because that’s what you are, and that’s all you’re ever going to be.

  I could taste the sick creeping up the back of my throat. I tried swallowing it down. I tried not hearing the voice that never left my head, but it was all I could hear.