by M. E. Logan
“Diana, look at me.” Diana looked back into Brenda’s concerned face. “Tell me, as your friend, are you okay with this? Is this something you want? You tossed her out last night.”
Diana softened. It wasn’t fair to drag Brenda into the middle and there were details she had never explained to Brenda. “I know, Brenda. I was really pissed. I didn’t give her much of a chance.” She sighed. “I really don’t know where it’s going from here; I don’t know where it can go, but she did take the step to come see me. I owe her the courtesy of listening to her.”
“Sounds like you did a fair job of declaring yourself as well.”
“Past tense, Brenda. Past tense.”
“Yeah,” Brenda said dubiously. “You haven’t stopped thinking with your head, have you?”
Diana shook her head. “I don’t think so.” She gave a soft laugh as she thought how her stomach turned over when she looked up and saw Jessie standing there. “Not yet, at least.”
Brenda nodded. “Okay. I just wanted to check.” She gave Diana a meaningful glance. “You call tonight if you need to, no matter what the time.”
Diana gave her a smile. “Thanks. I don’t think I’ll need to but it’s nice to know you’re here.”
They walked back to where Jessie stood waiting. Brenda gave Jessie a meaningful look and then Diana. “I understand you two have a lot to talk about, probably about things you’d rather others didn’t overhear. You might want to pick a more private spot.” She glanced around at the few people watching them. “Don’t want to make the locals nervous.” She touched the brim of her hat. “Good meeting you, Detective Galbreath. I imagine we’ll be seeing each other again.” Then she turned and walked over to the drink counter to reassure the owner Jessie was a safe person.
Jessie watched her go and then turned to Diana. “What did she mean by that?”
“Brenda’s a good friend. If you’re around me any length of time, you’ll be running into her.”
“How good a friend?”
Just the tone in her voice made Diana turn around to face her. She looked at Jessie curiously as Jessie watched Brenda move off through the gathering. “A good friend,” she repeated.
Jessie turned back, cocked an eyebrow. “You have a magnet for women in law enforcement?”
Diana thought of Jessie, Brenda, Kelly, all of them in one branch or another of law enforcement. “Never thought of it, but I guess so.” She took a look around and then back to Jessie. She was on pins and needles wondering what Jessie might be thinking. Her only reaction to Diana’s words had been to let her go, and then Brenda was there. She waited but Jessie didn’t speak.
“Well,” Diana said finally as she picked up her leather shoulder bag. “I guess we’re finished here.” She looked at Jessie. “Unless there’s something else you want to ask?”
“What do we do now?”
Diana considered carefully. This was the woman who said she’d never had a choice, Diana had made all the decisions. “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
Jessie moved closer to her, too close, Diana realized, but she didn’t move. “I want to talk some more. Is that all right with you?”
Diana caught her breath. It wasn’t over, not yet at least. Her heart began to pound more. “I believe so.” She stepped back from Jessie so she could open her tote and search through it for her car keys. “Have a place in mind?”
Jessie suddenly looked more hopeful. “Maybe this needs to be a bit more private?”
Diana thoughtfully nodded. “Maybe so. You want dinner out on neutral ground or—”
“How about your place?” Jessie cut in. “Maybe dinner later?”
“Okay,” Diana agreed. “I’ve got to stop at the organizer’s tent before I leave. Shall I meet you at my apartment?”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Jessie got to the apartment first, parked the car in the shade. She opened the car door and just sat there a moment. Diana had said she loved her. She had risked a drug war to save Jessie without getting killed herself. That wasn’t exactly new information, just more details. It was quite one thing for an unknown informant to tip her off, funnel information to her. Minor players on the fringes heard things all the time and passed them along. Even if Jessie had had the very vague suspicion it was Diana, she’d had no proof where the information was coming from. By the time Diana’s identity was confirmed while they were at the cabin, there was so much else being revealed that Jessie never even considered the details of the drug bust. It was history.
It was quite another thing to realize Diana was at the heart of the organization. Jessie had seen some results of drug wars, and Diana had waded in and walked out. Jessie had a difficult time reconciling the woman who could manipulate those events with the woman who had been her Lexington lover. No wonder the Feds had kept her under wraps. Diana was not to be underestimated.
Jessie got out of the car. The afternoon heat was still too hot for her to sit there and wait. She needed to move around, stretch her legs as she considered these new revelations. She took the opportunity to see the neighborhood where Diana lived now, what it might mean.
The apartment complex was small, just a couple of buildings sitting between what she guessed from the sounds of traffic to be one of the main streets through town and one of the old residential neighborhoods. Nice enough, nothing fancy, very basic, low-key. Compared to what Jessie remembered of Diana’s lifestyle, either she was pinched for money or trying to stay under the radar. Maybe a bit of both.
Diana had never really seemed to enjoy high living for all the expensive hotels she had been at when she and Jessie were starting out. Jessie had tried hard not to be impressed although she recognized they had been out of her league. She had been a little nervous when she had taken Diana out for dinner and it was, well, less than five stars. Diana had always seemed comfortable at the neighborhood diners and easy-on-the-pocket places Jessie had chosen when she came to town. As she said one time, she didn’t come for the food; she came for the company.
Jessie walked around the apartment complex, down the shady street. Nice quiet area, enough economic mix, business and residential so Diana wasn’t really isolated and still had some privacy. Old houses converted to lawyer and accountant offices. Jessie walked up the block and back, didn’t want to miss Diana’s arrival.
She went up the steps and sat on the railing outside Diana’s door, contemplating. Diana had changed. Certainly she was not as carefree as she had been, less of a free spirit. More guarded. Suspicious. She had a barrier up if you even looked sideways at her. Jessie had definitely seen that after she brought the drink back, when she sat down and they talked about events after Diana had bailed out on Jessie.
Bailed out. That was how Jessie looked at it. Diana hadn’t even stuck around long enough to challenge Julie. Jessie rested her head back against the corner post. Cut and run. Up until then, she had been possessive. Jessie gave a slow smile at the memories. Very possessive. Staked out a claim and exercised it every time she came back to town. It would have been nice if she had been forthcoming with information, but Jessie never pressed. After years of stalking women and going after them, someone coming after her, claiming her, was refreshing. Diana blithely assumed Jessie would be there for her. And she wasn’t so dominant that she upset Jessie’s butch mentality. Just, I’m a catch, I’m special, I know it, and aren’t you the special one I chose to come back and want to see, enjoy? And Jessie really felt that way; she did feel special. Diana only had one question every time she came: are you available? It was Jessie who rearranged her schedule, her life, in order to be available. Diana bestowed the favor of her presence, and Jessie basked in that favor.
If only. Jessie closed her eyes and soaked in the hot sun. If only they had talked more, shared more. Well, that was one mistake she was determined not to repeat.
But this was a different Diana, she realized. If Diana had been puzzling before, now she was an enigma. The years and events had changed her, made her har
der, more cynical. But then, Jessie realized, couldn’t she say the same about herself? If she had come seeking Diana looking for something she had lost in her past, Diana wasn’t the answer. If she wanted to go back to that more lighthearted time and thought Diana would bring her back that joy, that idealism, that pleasure in life, she was making another mistake. So the question was, what did she want from the Diana who was in the here and now?
A vehicle pulled in and parked. Jessie didn’t have to look to know it was Diana. She didn’t get up to meet her, but sat there and watched as Diana got out of the Jeep, looked over the top and saw Jessie sitting there. Diana gave Jessie a slow smile and Jessie got a warm feeling through her that had nothing to do with the late afternoon sunlight.
She watched with appreciation as Diana crossed the parking lot. The old Diana would never have worn jeans, just wasn’t her style, so Jessie had been surprised when she had finally found her in them at the powwow. She hadn’t expected the moccasins, the leather vest, the white shirt, a costume much like her own. She had to admit Diana wore them well. She watched Diana come up the stairs. And the package was still definitely enticing.
“Been waiting long?” Diana asked as she hit the top step.
Jessie shook her head as she looked Diana up and down. “Years.”
Jessie waited until Diana unlocked the door, stepped inside and turned around. “Coming in?”
Jessie stepped into an apartment cool and dim after the bright sunshine. She closed the door, flipped the lock. How many times had they done this? Diana unlocking the door, turning to invite her in. She could smell the same scent, Diana’s signature perfume, the smell of her after the afternoon in the hot sun. Everything was different and nothing had changed.
“I’m curious,” Diana remarked as she set her leather bag down on the desk. “How’d you know I’d be at the powwow?”
“You had a flyer on the refrigerator. It was worth a chance.”
Diana turned around to face her, just stood there, and Jessie knew what she wanted, what she was going to do. She hadn’t known until right then, until she saw Diana standing there. But now she knew.
She walked over to Diana, took her face in her hands, cupped her cheeks. “I want to thank you.” She heard Diana’s quick intake of breath, felt Diana’s hands over hers, felt Diana’s soft lips as she kissed her. “For my life.” She kissed her again, a little longer as she felt Diana yield. “For all those years I’ve lived since.” She wrapped her arms around Diana and Diana moved closer. Jessie closed her eyes, feeling Diana against her, knowing this was what she wanted.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to talk. We didn’t talk the last time and look where it got us. But I also want what we had.” She stopped, feeling Diana’s stillness. “And I want more.” She rubbed her face in Diana’s hair. “I have missed you so much.”
“We’re not the same, Jessie. I’ve changed, you’ve changed.” Diana didn’t move away in spite of her protest.
Jessie turned Diana’s face up so she could see her expression. “Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you don’t still have dreams of blue jeans and white shirts and sunglasses.” She caressed Diana’s face with her fingers, reveling in being able to touch her. She gave a slow smile at Diana’s softening expression. “Tell me your heart didn’t stop when you opened the door and I was standing there.” She felt Diana slide her arms about her, press against her. “Throw me out again, tell me there’s nothing between us and I won’t bother you again.”
Diana rubbed her face against Jessie’s shoulder. “I can’t.”
Jessie buried her face in Diana’s hair. Diana’s two words untied the knot in her heart she hadn’t even realized had been there.
“But I can’t have you either.” Diana stepped out of Jessie’s arms and stepped away from her.
Jessie gasped, in surprise, in shock and she reached out to recapture Diana.
“Don’t!” Diana said sharply and then her voice softened. “Please, Jessie. Don’t make this harder on either one of us.” She moved further out of reach. “You and I.” She shook her head. “It isn’t going to work. Too much has happened, too many complications. No matter how much either one of us wants it.”
“It will work,” Jessie cut in before Diana was too insistent. “We can make it work.”
Diana shook her head. “We can’t change who we are. There are too many complications.”
“We can deal with them,” Jessie protested. “We don’t need to change who we are. There aren’t so many complications. There’s nothing here we can’t deal with.”
Diana still shook her head. “Margaret always said I lost all common sense where you were concerned. This time I’m going to hold fast.”
“Diana,” Jessie pleaded. “Don’t. Please.” She couldn’t believe this. Just when she thought everything was finally coming together, Diana was ripping it apart. “Please, Diana. You made the choice before that there was nothing there for us. Look what happened.”
“Yeah.” Diana turned away, her back to Jessie. “I was in the right place at the right time to save your life.”
“And I appreciate that.” Jessie went and slid her arms around Diana. “And I’d like to tell you that every day.” She was encouraged when Diana didn’t break away, even leaned back against her. “You liked it before when I appreciated you, didn’t you?” She felt Diana yielding to her but this time she was cautious.
“Um-humm.” Diana gave a small sigh. “But I’ve changed, Jessie, in lots of ways. I don’t want to be a rolling stone anymore. I’ve had my fill of one-night stands and empty rooms in my lifetime. I want to matter to someone.”
“You matter to me.” Jessie cautiously ran her hand up and down Diana’s arm.
Diana went on like she hadn’t even heard her. “I want someone to come home to at night, someone to curl up with. I want a home where there’s love, not just a place to open my suitcase. I want someone there for me when I’m down, to share things with when I’m up. I want someone to miss me when I’m gone, to worry about me.”
“I worry about you,” Jessie coaxed. “Especially now when I know all these things about you.” She nuzzled Diana’s neck. “I’ve missed you.”
Diana shook her head again. She unwrapped Jessie’s arms and stepped away. “I thought—I thought I’d be over you, I could see you and there’d be nothing, and I could put you behind me. I’d be able to go on with my life, stop measuring everyone I met against you.” She turned around to face Jessie.
“I want those same things you do, Diana.”
Diana shook her head. “We’re not the same people anymore, Jessie. I’ve got more baggage now.” She took a deep breath, as if gathering her nerve. “For a long time, I’ve held on to the fantasy that you might be that someone, but…” She hesitated and then plowed on. “I need to give it up; it’s not going to happen. I need to get on with my life.”
“Why isn’t it going to happen? We want the same things. We love each other. At least you said you loved me once. Are you saying you don’t love me anymore? I know I love you.”
Diana closed her eyes, as if to shut out the sight of Jessie. “Jessie,” she began again. “It doesn’t matter how much we love each other. It isn’t going to work.”
Jessie laid a hand on Diana’s cheek to make her stop shaking her head. “Why can’t we?”
Diana gave a bitter laugh. “You’re a cop,” she pointed out as if Jessie might have forgotten. “Times may have changed so the police might accept dykes in their ranks but not with a lover like me. I might not have a record, but I’m always going to be suspect. That’s the biggest thing.”
Jessie carefully wrapped both arms around Diana and held her. This was going to be a jolt for her, something Jessie hadn’t been able to tell her before. “Well, you’re right; that might be a problem. If I were still a cop. Or if I wanted a job in law enforcement again.”
“If what?” Diana pulled back as if she hadn’t heard Jessie correctly.
“I turned
in my resignation. I’m taking leave time so I don’t lose it. I’m on my way to Ocala for a job interview.”
“You—you did what!” Diana pushed back to look into Jessie’s face. “When? How? Why? But—why didn’t you tell me?”
“I told you, we still needed to talk.” Part of her was so amused and pleased she had been able to finally rattle Diana but at the same time, she knew this was going to open some serious discussion. When Diana pulled away yet again, Jessie released her. And then she waited.
“I don’t believe it.” Diana moved away from Jessie, moved around the living room, picked up her leather tote, put it down, picked it up again and looked at it like she didn’t recognize it. She took it into the bedroom, stripped off her vest and came back out. She paused long enough to look at Jessie and start to say something. Then she abruptly turned to go into the kitchen. “Can I get you some iced tea?”
“Sounds good.” Jessie recognized the impact the information had on Diana. She was going through all the normal everyday things in an effort to deal with it. Jessie had seen her do the same thing when Diana learned she was a cop. Ironic that learning Jessie wasn’t a cop was just as big a shock to Diana as learning she was.
“And take a seat,” Diana called from the kitchen over the rattle of glasses, the refrigerator door opening and shutting.
Jessie looked around and picked the loveseat, glancing at the coffee table covered with books, television schedules, the TV remote. She took off her jacket, folded it and laid it across the back of the loveseat. Then she removed her weapon and holster and laid them securely on the bookcase. She sat in the corner, wondering what Diana was going to say. At least, she consoled herself, Diana hadn’t thrown her out.
Diana brought the two glasses of iced tea. “Just like that,” she said abruptly as she handed Jessie the glass. “You get a wild hair and turn in your resignation and everything’s gonna be okay?”