by M. E. Logan
Jessie didn’t answer right away, drank some of the iced tea. Diana took a seat on the loveseat but turned so she was facing Jessie.
Jessie carefully set the glass of tea down. Talking about this was going to be difficult for her but she needed to share this, and she had always been able to talk to Diana. “No, not ‘just like that.’ I had a lot of sleepless nights and gut-wrenching conversations. I even took a leave to decide just what I wanted to do and where my priorities were.” She changed position on the couch so she could face Diana. “It wasn’t just getting a wild hair and going off half-cocked. It took over a year to sort things out and really decide what I wanted to do and why.” She paused, thinking what an understatement she was making. “It was a hard decision.”
She waited, needing to hear what Diana had to say. Diana didn’t say anything. Jessie waited for what seemed like forever before she couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “So you see, we can have something together. We want the same things; we love each other. There aren’t as many problems as you think.”
“Did you do this because of me?” Diana sounded a little more sympathetic.
Jessie shook her head.
“Then why?” Diana frowned, leaned forward. “Law enforcement is in your blood.”
Jessie hesitated. She’d had to tell lots of people she was leaving. “Why” was a constant question except from other cops. She had multiple answers. “A lot of reasons,” she said slowly, not sure how she could explain it to Diana. She looked away and didn’t meet Diana’s gaze. Finally she shrugged. “Been shot, kidnapped, threatened with torture. Seemed to be pushing my luck. Time to get out.”
Diana said nothing.
It was a simple, maybe superficial answer, Jessie realized. Part of her hoped Diana would accept it at face value. Another part of her wished she wouldn’t. “Maybe I’m burnt out,” Jessie continued slowly. “Maybe arguing with Julie all the time about police work took its toll. Maybe I don’t feel the same about it. Maybe I’m just tired.”
“A lot of maybes. Maybe none of them are the reason.”
“I am tired,” Jessie defended herself, looking back at Diana. “Cops get burnt out all the time.”
Diana nodded. They did. They both knew that. Suddenly Diana reached out and took hold of Jessie’s hand. She moved closer to Jessie, held Jessie’s hand between her two warm hands. “What happened, Jessie? Tell me what really made you decide.” She rubbed the back of Jessie’s hand to give reassurance, brought it up to her cheek. All the time, she watched Jessie’s face.
Jessie’s gaze finally slid away but she gave a lingering caress before she withdrew her hand. Diana still understood her, even after all these years, even on such a thing as this. “It seemed like nothing,” she said finally. “There was a bank robbery. Four guys. Coordinated. They split up and hit two banks at the same time.” She paused. “We tracked them down to one of the old warehouses out off Versailles Road. One took off and this rookie and I were chasing him. Anyway, he got away. So we were searching and I found him, called for backup.” She stopped there.
“They didn’t come,” Diana supplied.
Jessie took a deep breath. “No, they came. There had been a smash-up, the first car got hit coming through an intersection—just a stupid, run-of-the-mill accident, so there was a delay, but there were others and we got the guy, got the money back. Got the conviction.” She took a deep breath. “I just had a panic attack, just knew they weren’t going to back me up, were going to leave me out there hanging at some point.”
“Ahhhh.” Diana understood.“Why would they do that?”
Jessie drank some tea. “The whole investigation of the kidnapping,” Jessie said slowly. “Julie and I told everything—except the past relationship. That never came out.” She gave a rueful laugh. “God knows, there were enough other things to keep the investigators busy.” She sobered, glancing at Diana and then looking away. She didn’t want to watch her expression. She didn’t want her to think she was ashamed of their relationship but there were—how did she term it? Complications. “The investigators went over it and over it; they knew there was something. Yet everything was right there. You’d been in contact with the Feds, you didn’t want to be party to a cop killing, you were keeping Julie safe because of her taking care of your father. If anything, they saw it as Julie being rescued and I just happened to be along. And we didn’t dissuade them of the idea.” She looked up at Diana. “That was the official story.”
“And the unofficial?”
“Some collusion. For some unknown reason. I heard about everything, from you were deep undercover, hence the tip-offs in the past, to the idea that we had a torrid sexual free-for-all during the time at the cabin.”
Diana had to chuckle. Sex had been about the last thing they had been thinking of while they waited for her papa’s death.
“But no one really knew anything and business went on as usual. It was just…I guess…I’d hear all those stories. Okay, you always hear stories, no matter what you do; it gets blown out of proportion. Cops aren’t any different about gossip than anyone else and lesbians on the force always have some story spinning around them. The change was in me. I had never doubted they would be there to back me up until that day. It was like something moved within me, some surety wasn’t there anymore. And I didn’t know how to get it back.”
She looked up at Diana and she felt the loss all over again. Beliefs were the core of the work. You had to trust your team. Diana knew enough to know that, didn’t she?
Jessie ran her hands through her hair. “Peterson retired, his heart was an issue. New partner. And then there was you.”
“What about me?”
Jessie looked up at her, feeling the conflict all over again. “What was I supposed to do about you? I wanted you; I loved you for years. We had a relationship—all right, it was a haphazard one, but it was there. And all that time, I never picked up on anything. What kind of cop was I to miss all that?”
“There was nothing to pick up on, Jessie. I wasn’t doing anything. I was going to school. I was running a legal business.”
“You were doing favors for your father!”
“There was nothing illegal about sitting in and watching a trial, nothing illegal about examining books of a legitimate business.” Diana kept her voice calm like she had gone over this a thousand times before. She probably had.
No, she supposed not, Jessie thought. Yet it still bothered her. Jessie pursed her lips, her eyes narrowed but she said nothing more.
“Jessie, I’m tainted, there’s always going to be guilt by association. But I can’t help the family I was born into any more than you can.”
Jessie looked up at the ceiling, regaining some of her composure. “I couldn’t stay in if I didn’t trust the people I worked with,” she said finally, turning back to Diana. “And I couldn’t stay if I wanted to pursue anything with you. I didn’t even know how you felt except at the cabin you said you loved me. I just knew I had to find out and I couldn’t do it as a cop. So when Broadrick asked if I knew anyone who might be interested in a security position, I said I was.” She turned back to Diana, defiant and vulnerable, braced to deal with anything Diana might possibly say.
Diana started to say something and stopped, her eyes clouded with pain. Belatedly, Jessie realized, as much as she hated the comparison, that Diana lost a family too, had to change a life. They were both dealing with loss. They had that in common.
“I know that was a hard decision for you,” Diana said finally. “I’m sorry you got to that point.” She leaned forward to lay her hand on Jessie’s thigh. “Really, I am. I know what being a cop meant to you. And I know it wasn’t easy to decide. But I’m glad you made the decision to get out rather than to stay in and be terribly unhappy.”
Jessie looked away. She still didn’t like reflecting on it, possibly second-guessing herself.
“So when is your interview?” Diana asked, effectively changing the subject.
Jessie
breathed a sigh of relief, relief she wouldn’t have to talk about it; relief Diana still understood her. “One o’clock Monday.”
Diana drew back, taking her hand from Jessie. There were still issues to be considered. “Where at?”
“Serenity Farms. It’s outside Ocala. It’s a horse breeding and training operation.” Jessie sat back. “Broadrick said it was a big operation, had some high-priced horses, both theirs and others there for training.”
“So, you’re finally going to do it,” Diana said with a straight face.
“Huh?”
“You’re going to become the person I thought you were in the beginning.” Diana gave a faint smile to assure Jessie she was teasing.
Jessie gave a small laugh as they both remembered Diana’s misconception of Jessie working at one of the Lexington horse farms. “I guess so.”
They sat still for a moment, saying nothing, lost in memories. The silence dragged on almost to the stage of discomfort when Jessie cleared her throat. “Are you going to stop being attracted to me now?”
Diana came back to the present with a jolt. “What?”
“Well, you admitted out at the powwow you’re a magnet for women in law enforcement. If I’m not in law enforcement, do I still attract you?” The image of the green-clad deputy sheriff rose up in front of her and she had a sudden stab of jealousy. The realization came to her suddenly that she knew nothing about Diana’s life here. The remark Jessie had made just to tease was more than a little bit true.
“Well, I was certainly attracted to you enough in the beginning and I didn’t know you were a cop,” Diana said with a laugh.
Jessie didn’t look at her when she asked, “Would you have kept coming back if you had known?”
“Are you kidding?” Diana looked at her in amazement. “I would have run like a bunny who just sniffed a fox. You were the enemy, everything I’d been warned against.” She reached out to take Jessie’s hand. “Ignorance was bliss.” She gave a slow smile. Bliss indeed. “By the time I did learn, I was so into you…” She trailed off. The things she had done didn’t have to be said again.
“So didn’t I deserve some sort of explanation?”
Jessie watched the debate in Diana’s eyes and she drew back, protecting. She had crossed a lot of barriers to be able to get to this stage with Diana. She needed Diana to drop her barriers as well.
“Ignorance was safer,” Diana said quietly. “And I was a coward.”
Jessie waited. She had learned many new aspects of Diana but there was nothing to indicate any cowardice.
Diana drew a deep breath as if she had come to a decision. “Czar Randalson was a conniving, manipulating bastard,” she began. “It didn’t matter to him that I had a female lover. He probably knew about lots of them. Women were safer than men; women couldn’t move ahead in the Family by marrying the boss’s daughter. If he had known how much I cared for you, never mind you being a cop, you would have been someone to hold over my head. I spent a lifetime making sure there was nothing he could hold hostage to manipulate me. So I hid you for the same reasons he hid me, so the ones we really loved wouldn’t be held over our heads.”
Jessie recovered enough from her surprise to point out, “That didn’t make you a coward. Prudent perhaps,” she amended as she considered. She took hold of Diana’s hand again. “So how were you a coward?”
“When Papa told me I had to make a choice and I went to see you, I was afraid. Turning Papa down had its risks. I knew a lot, stuff I didn’t even realize the importance of until later. I still think he would have let me go, counted on loyalty to him not to say anything or maybe he just thought because I was a woman, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. So I had that on one hand. And then on the other hand, assuming you were agreeable, there were two venues: either I could tell you about my family and you could reject me because of them, or I could not tell you and put you at risk.” She paused, wondering if Jessie could even understand.
“And then Julie showed up.”
Diana nodded.
Jessie rubbed Diana’s hand, absently. “She didn’t have quite the hold on me that you credit her. But I don’t know, considering all you just said, you had many other choices.”
Diana pulled her hand free and got to her feet. Talking about her father, those times past, made her edgy. “Well, it turned out well. I was in the right place at the right time to keep you alive. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d never joined the Family.”
Jessie turned around to watch Diana pace the living room. “But how did you do it? How can you call yourself a coward when you managed all that under your father’s nose?”
Diana gave a mirthless laugh as she stopped in the middle of the living room, looked back at Jessie. The smug knowing look, the defiance, the uncertainty, all those emotions went across her face. “As they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Jessie frowned in puzzlement. “I did it right back; I manipulated him. If the ability to manipulate is genetic, I inherited it. I turned out to be definitely my father’s daughter.”
Jessie drew back and Diana’s knowing smile challenged her.
“Can you deal with that, Jessie?” she asked in a quiet voice. “You had a terrible shock when you found out who my father was. You hated me because I might have contaminated you.”
“I dealt with that,” Jessie said quickly, too quickly.
“Well, it’s easier to deal with when I’m saving your life. But I’m not saving your life now. In fact, just being with me might put you at risk.” Jessie’s head came up, the unspoken question. “Someone might decide I’m too big a risk running around loose and decide to silence me.”
Jessie leaped to her feet, advancing on Diana as if she could hold off any danger. “No.” She looked around the room, drew Diana away from the open window. “No,” she repeated as she shook her head. “Not while I’m here.” She drew Diana into her arms. She couldn’t lose her after finally getting past all the obstacles.
Diana buried her face against Jessie’s shoulder. She moved closer into Jessie’s arms, slid her arms around her.
“So what do we do now?” Jessie murmured in her ear. She ran her fingers through Diana’s still curly hair. “We seem to have the major issues out of the way.”
“We could do what we always did,” Diana said without opening her eyes.
“And that would be?”
Diana looked up at her. “We could go to bed.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Neither of them spoke as Diana took Jessie by the hand to lead her to the bedroom. Then Jessie stood at the foot of the bed while Diana turned down the coverlet and pulled back the sheets.
“How often have we done this?” Jessie asked when Diana returned to her, slid her arms around Jessie’s waist, her hands lower to feel Jessie’s ass, pull her tighter against her.
“Lots,” Diana said with a sigh. “Not often enough.”
“Do you know how often I looked for you?” Jessie took Diana’s face in her hands, her fingers spread through Diana’s hair. “You spoiled me; you were always popping up in unexpected places so I was always on the lookout.”
“I thought maybe you’d stop wanting me.” Diana unbuttoned Jessie’s shirt, spread it open. This is real, she’s really here; her, not some substitute, she told herself as she reached around to unfasten Jessie’s plain cotton bra.
Jessie pushed back and the bra slid down her arms, exposing her breasts. “Are you serious?”
Diana nodded, her attention on Jessie’s breasts, still slight but fuller than she remembered, the dark nipples. She stroked with fingertips and felt the old familiar response causing Jessie to catch her breath. Her own nipples tightened as Jessie gripped her shoulders.
“Do you remember that night in Lexington?” Jessie took a deep breath and began to unbutton Diana’s shirt.
Diana gave a soft laugh, half at Jessie’s remark and the rest in the sheer pleasure of Jessie’s touch. “Which one? They were all in Lexington.”
>
“When you tried to make me forget Julie?”
“Oh. That night.” Diana closed her eyes and leaned into Jessie, their breasts touching, pressed into each other. “The dominatrix night.”
They undressed each other with slow deliberateness, knowing each other and yet exploring the changes time had made.
“I don’t know how many times after that, I’d do something inconsequential and it would trigger a memory. I’d shiver and remember what we did, just like you wanted me to. No one ever touched me like you did that night.” Jessie buried her face in Diana’s neck, a tongue stroked against the sensitive flesh. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
Diana felt the warmth begin to flood her, not the hot pounding excitement they used to have, a sexual demand that had to be met. She closed her eyes. This was a merging, a recovered part of her self that had been absent for so long. “I was so jealous. I wanted you to want me as much as I wanted you.” She caught Jessie’s hand, the long fingers, kissed her palm. She noticed the tan lines, the dark tan at the V of the neck, the forearms, the lighter tan over the shoulders, the legs, the whiteness of her breasts, her hips. She ran her hands over Jessie, all of her, stroking her arms, her shoulders, her back.
Jessie froze, closed her eyes, intent on Diana’s touch. “Diana,” she breathed. Then with great deliberateness, she pushed Diana back on the bed. “I did. I do.”
Jessie pulled off one moccasin, then the other, pulled down Diana’s jeans and threw them on the floor between the shirts. “I want to come home to you at night and wake up with you in the morning,” she said as she rested her knee on the bed between Diana’s legs. “I want to reach out and touch you.” She ran her hands up the outside of Diana’s legs and smiled when Diana shivered. “I don’t want to wonder where you are and if you’re all right, and I don’t want to wonder about who you might be with.” She threw her body over Diana, supported herself on one arm that she slid beneath Diana. Her tone darkened slightly as she gazed into Diana’s face. “I don’t want you imprinting yourself into someone else’s memories.” She settled herself against Diana, hip to hip, breast to breast. “Or turn into a vampire and take their life’s blood.”