by Niles, Naomi
I nodded, trying not to be too bothered by Jessica’s sudden departure that morning. At the same time, I wondered why I was so bothered by it.
“Well?” Langdon pressed.
“Well what?” I asked.
Langdon looked at me with annoyance. “How was it?”
I looked around the kitchen, not wanting to be overheard. “Well… truth be told… it was amazing,” I admitted.
Langdon’s eyes went wide. “It’s always the quiet ones,” he said knowingly. “They’re always wild in bed.”
“That’s not what I mean,” I said with a sigh. “It wasn’t amazing because she was wild… it was amazing because… she is so great and authentic and… real.”
Langdon looked at me with a confused expression on his face. “I’m not sure I follow you.”
“I don’t know how to explain it better than that,” I said. “It was like we had this… connection last night. And it was more than just friendship and more than just sex. We connected on more levels than just the physical one. I’ve never really had that with anyone else before.”
Langdon wrinkled his eyebrows at me. “Huh?” he said as though he couldn’t fully relate.
“What?”
“Dude,” he said seriously. “It sounds like you’re falling for this girl.”
The moment he said the words, I felt the truth of them ring inside me. It was the only thing that made sense, the only thing that explained how I felt. I looked up at Langdon, desperate for some advice and perhaps a little illumination.
“She’s a virgin,” I said. “Well… she was a virgin.”
Langdon’s eyebrows hit the ceiling. “Seriously?” he gasped. “You took her virginity?”
“I did.”
“Did you know?” Langdon asked. “Did you know before…. stuff happened?”
I nodded. “She told me.”
“Wow,” Langdon breathed. “Isn’t she like… twenty something?”
“Twenty-three,” I said.
“I’d be careful if I were you, man,” Langdon said. “Virgins get clingy.”
I snorted. “She practically ran out of here this morning. I asked her to stay for breakfast, and she was so busy scrambling for her clothes that she barely answered me.”
“How did you leave things?” Langdon asked.
“She said she’d see me soon,” I replied. “And then she was gone.”
“Fuck,” Langdon breathed as though he were impressed. “I think you just hit the jackpot, buddy. A virgin who leaves before you want her to? Maybe you and I should head down to Vegas and try out that hot hand of yours?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “My only real reservation about her… lack of experience was the fact that I didn’t want her to regret the decision later. There was obviously a reason that she held out for this long. I just don’t want her to feel as though… I’ve taken advantage.”
“Did she initiate the sex or did you?” Langdon asked.
“Well… I suppose we were both equally interested,” I said fairly. “But she did tell me that she wanted to do it.”
“There you go,” Langdon said triumphantly. “Then you’re in the clear.”
“She was a little tipsy,” I said. “What if that clouded her judgement?”
“Come on, man,” Langdon said bracingly. “She’s a grown woman. If she wanted to have sex with you, then that was her choice. She can’t put that on you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it either.”
“I guess,” I said uncertainly, unsure if Langdon was the best person to help put things into perspective for me.
“So… how tight was her pussy?” Langdon asked.
I punched his right arm, and he cowered away from me. “Fuck,” he groaned. “What was that for?”
“That was for being a nosy pervert,” I said. “Now grab some plates.”
A few minutes later, the rest of the team started filtering in slowly. All their faces were sour and tired from the night before. Half of them clutched their heads as though they were about to explode.
“How great was that party, huh, guys?” Langdon yelled as the guys crowded around the massive kitchen island.
Kenneth flinched away from Langdon’s bright voice. “Not so loud, man. Your voice is still ringing in my ears.”
The guys started shoveling down the food I’d just prepared. Sensing that everything would be over soon, I grabbed a plate and heaped some eggs, sausages, and bread onto it before I took a seat at the center island.
“How many of you hooked up last night?” Langdon asked with interest.
A collective laugh ran through the group. Then hands started flying into the air, eager to boast about their conquests and narrate the story to an eager audience. I ate my food in silence, my head swirling with thoughts of Jessica.
Chapter Twenty
Jessica
The girls’ house was quiet when I ran inside, but thankfully someone had left the front door unlocked. I rushed up the stairs and into Winnie’s room. She was lying in her bed with a sheet thrown over her body, visibly naked underneath it. Her hair was flung across her pillows as though she were sleeping, but her eyes were wide open.
“Well, well,” she said the moment I walked in. “Look who it is.”
“Where are my clothes?” I asked in a rush.
Winnie raised her eyebrows. “Good morning to you, too.”
“Sorry,” I said distractedly. “But I’m late. I’ve already got two missed calls on my phone from my father. I told him I’d be home in the morning, and it’s already past ten.”
“Tell him the team-building exercises went on longer than you expected,” Winnie said calmly, as she stretched in her bed and turned over to watch me scamper about the room.
“With my father, lying is never easy,” I said. “Seriously, Winnie… where are my clothes?”
“They’ve got to be here somewhere,” she said. “I’ll help you look.”
She got out of bed with her sheets wrapped around her chest. She secured the knot and then proceeded to help me with the search. Her room was piled high with clothes, and I couldn’t find my own.
“Ah, I think I found your jeans,” Winnie said, grabbing a faded pair from the floor. “Nope, they’re mine.”
Instead of pushing it into her tiny closet, she tossed it back onto the floor. Even as I searched, I was aware of Winnie’s curiosity flooding the room. “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?” she asked when it was clear I wasn’t in a position to volunteer any information.
“I will,” I said. “After I get home and my father is off my back. I just don’t have the time now.”
Then I spotted my clothes bundled up into a corner and lunged for them. I pulled off Winnie’s skin-tight, black mini and dressed quickly. Then I gathered my stuff and headed for the door. I stopped at the threshold, remembering myself, and turned to look back at Winnie.
“Thank you so, so much for last night,” I said fervently. “It was without question the best night of my life, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have you in my life.”
Winnie laughed at my thank you, but I knew from the look on her face that she was touched. “Get out of here, you weirdo. Before your father starts calling the house asking for the coach.”
I didn’t have to be told twice. I flew down the stairs, into my car, and within minutes I was on the road, trying my best not to speed. The moment I parked, I glanced at my watch. Eleven o’clock. My father wouldn’t be happy.
The moment I entered the house, Dad appeared as if from nowhere, casting me with a stern expression and a disappointed stance. “Where were you?” he demanded.
“Sorry, Dad,” I said quickly. “I got held up this morning at the house.”
“You said you’d be back by nine o’clock.”
“I thought I would,” I replied. “But I just… lost track of time.”
“Your mother and I were worried.”
“You didn’t have to be.”
“We called th
e house, hoping to get through to you,” Dad said and I froze. “No one answered.”
“We were all outside,” I said quickly, thinking on my feet.
“More team-building exercises?” Dad asked pointedly.
“Yeah,” I said. “We didn’t get to finish all of them last night.”
“Hmm,” he said.
He seemed to have calmed down a little bit. My mother materialized out of the kitchen, her eyes wide and her body tense. She looked between Dad and myself.
“Is everything okay?” she asked timidly as she came to stand between us.
“I’m sorry I was late,” I said, trying not to let my annoyance show in my tone. “I really am. But I was busy… this may not be training exactly, but it’s an important part of being in a team.”
I could tell immediately that I hadn’t done a good job masking the defiance in my voice. It was strange how radically one night could change you. I hadn’t just experienced something different. I felt different, too. Dad looked at me through narrowed eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to back down.
“I’m exhausted,” I said. “I think I’m going to go upstairs and rest.”
“Your mother made breakfast thinking you’d be here,” Dad said as I moved around him to walk upstairs.
I turned to my mother. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I said sincerely. “I should have called.”
We could all sense the tension, but Mom tried to dilute the atmosphere with her smile. “Don’t worry, darling,” she said quickly. “You didn’t mean to.”
I walked upstairs with my father’s eyes on my back. The moment I was back in my room, I breathed a sigh of relief and fell backward onto my bed. Memories of the night before paraded before my eyes, and my body tingled at how vivid and bright and brilliant they were. I finally felt as though I’d had a legitimate experience, and suddenly I didn’t feel quite so alone or isolated.
I was finally doing something for myself, something purely selfish and self-satisfying and rebellious and it felt amazing. It made me wonder why I hadn’t done it before. Before I could fully appreciate all my precious memories, there was a knock on my door and I sat up instantly.
“Mom?” I called.
“Yes, dear,” she replied.
I opened the door and let her in. “Hi. Did Dad disappear into his den?”
“Yes.” Mom nodded as she took a seat on my bed. “Are you okay?”
I sighed and shook my head in response.
“You can talk to me, darling,” Mom said gently.
My mother was still a young woman, but somehow she had the gait of age upon her. I wondered if that had something to do with my father. “Don’t you ever feel stifled?” I asked, blurting out the question before I could rethink it.
Mom looked at me with surprise. “Stifled?” she repeated. “By what?”
“By Dad,” I said. “He’s so… rigid and controlling. His word is law in this house, and no one can question it. Don’t you ever feel… trapped?”
Mom looked at my carefully. “I love your father, darling,” she said gently. “So no… I don’t feel stifled by him. I knew his personality when I married him. It was the life I chose.”
“Yeah, the thing is… it’s not the life I chose,” I said. It was the first time I was speaking so openly, the first time I had been so blunt with my mother. I waited to see hurt or anger on her face, but all I saw was sympathy.
“I know,” she said unexpectedly.
“You do?” I asked because I was so surprised.
“You’re twenty-three, honey,” Mom said with a sad smile. “I have noticed that you’re a grown woman. It’s just that sometimes your father forgets. But it’s only because he loves you so much. He wants the best for you.”
“To be honest, Mom,” I said as gently as I could manage. “It doesn’t feel that way. It feels like he wants to control me and mold me the way he wants. It feels like I’m some sort of commodity that he’s invested in. Sometimes I feel as though his interest in me is tied to my status as an Olympic swimmer and the moment I lose that title… I’ll lose him, too.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Mom said as her face dropped. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”
“Actually, I think I do,” I sighed. “I love swimming, Mom, but I don’t want it to be my whole life. I want to experience different things. I want to go to parties, I want to drink, and I want to meet someone special, and I don’t want to have to lie to do it.”
Mom was quiet for a moment. “Was that what really happened last night?” she asked after a moment. “Was it a party?”
I wondered if I should keep up my lie or just admit the truth. I decided to trust my mother. She had always understood, even if she had never gone against my father to support me. “Yes, it was,” I said defiantly. “And I’m not sorry I went.”
“I’m not sorry you went either,” Mom said and I nearly did a double take.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Can you repeat that?”
“If you thought I would disapprove, then you’re wrong,” Mom said softly. “I’m glad you were at a party last night, and I’m glad you had a good time. I want you to be more than an Olympic swimmer, Jessica. I want you to be happy.”
I smiled gratefully at my mother’s words. They made me feel validated somehow. “Thank you,” I said after a moment. “Thanks for understanding.”
“Did you meet Alan last night?” Mom asked.
I smiled at her eagerness and the fact that she remembered Alan at all.
I sat down beside her on the bed. “Yes, I did meet Alan last night.”
“And?”
“It was amazing,” I said. “He was wonderful and kind and…”
“You have stars in your eyes,” Mom pointed out with a laugh.
“I’m being silly,” I said, trying to shake out the stars in my eyes.
“Why do you say that?” Mom asked.
“Because we barely know each other,” I said. “Because we’re both here to train. Because a guy like him would never be interested in a long-term relationship with a girl like me.”
Mom sighed deeply. “You still don’t see what a beautiful girl you are.”
“I’m just being realistic, Mom,” I said. “Spending one night with a guy doesn’t mean anything real. It doesn’t mean he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with me.”
“And are you interested in having a relationship with him?”
“I… I think so,” I whispered. “I mean… I would love to, but…”
“But?”
“I guess I’m a little scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of not being enough for him.”
“Maybe you should let him decide that?” Mom suggested.
“Maybe,” I said uncertainly.
“So,” Mom said pointedly. “You spent the night with Alan.”
My eyes went wide as I realized my casual slip. “Oh… I…”
“Were you safe?” Mom asked bluntly, completely unembarrassed and matter of fact about the unlikely conversation we were having.
“I… yes,” I said, deciding that denying it would be silly at this point.
“Was he a gentleman?” she asked.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Was it your choice to sleep with him?”
“Completely,” I confirmed.
“Then I’m glad for you.” Mom smiled, and my heart warmed to her. A part of me wished that I had come to her sooner so that she could shower me with her encouragement and give me the courage to keep going, to keep demanding more for my life and to keep fighting for my freedom.
My phone vibrated silently on my desk, but I ignored it. I just wanted to spend a few more moments with my mother and appreciate the newfound bond we had discovered in each other. Our relationship had shifted slightly. We were no longer just mother and daughter. On some level, we had made the transition into being friends, too.
I wanted to savor the long-overdue moment. Most importantly, I wanted to savor
the feel of the burgeoning rebel bursting to life inside me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Alan
I was ten again, sitting on the worn-out couch Dad had brought home from a garage sale four years ago. I didn’t want to be here. I had lived through this moment once, and I had no desire to relive the memory. But the details were like pristine little diamonds glinting in the sunlight, refusing to be shunned.
I wore Peter’s hand-me-down shorts and John’s hand-me-down t-shirt with the picture of Bugs Bunny on the front. Samuel was sitting beside me on the couch, and Talen was sitting in front of us on the ground, playing with the wooden horse Dad had made for him.
There was nothing to watch on television, but we liked to have background noise all the same. Just before I was about to change the channel, Dad walked in. He was wearing his usual khaki trousers and a simple, button-down shirt. He was losing hair in the center of his head and when he sat down in the seat adjacent to us, I could see his bald spot.
“Where are your brothers?” Dad asked. I could tell from his tone that something was not right.
“In their rooms, I think,” I replied, watching Dad’s face for any clues.
“Talen, my boy,” Dad said, his tone softening. “Go get your brothers down here… I need to talk to talk to them.”
Talen scurried off upstairs and a few minutes later, John and Peter walked into the room with Talen trailing them like a little puppy. Dad reached out and grabbed Talen. He gave him an affectionate pat on the back and then pulled out another little toy.
“Look what I got for you,” he said.
Talen’s eyes lit up. “Wow,” he said as though it were the coolest thing he had ever seen.
“Do you like it?” Dad asked.
“Lots and lots,” Talen replied.
“Great,” Dad said. “Why don’t you go outside and play with that?”
Talen didn’t waste any time taking his toys and heading outside to play in the grass. The rest of us exchanged curious glances with one another as Dad turned to us, his expression turning somber once more. “I need to talk to you boys about something,” he started a little shakily.
“Dad?” John’s voice was soft and concerned. “Are you all right?”