by Niles, Naomi
Dad seemed to stumble over his words and instantly the atmosphere in the room changed. It was as though we knew what was coming and none of us wanted confirmation.
“It’s about your mother,” Dad said finally.
Peter and John exchanged a glance, and I wished I were old enough to be privy to the secret language the two of them seemed to share.
“She’s visiting her aunt in Calgary,” Samuel said quickly. “She told me she was visiting her auntie.”
“I know she did, my boy,” Dad sighed.
“It’s been a week since she left,” Peter said, sitting up a little straighter. “She was supposed to be back yesterday. Talen’s been asking for her all morning.”
Dad looked as though he had aged ten years in the span of the last few minutes. His gaze flitted to each of us before it dropped to his hands.
“Is she coming back tomorrow?” Samuel asked eagerly. He was only eight. I was ten and the two-year difference between us allowed me to see what Samuel had missed.
“She’s not coming back, is she, Dad?” Peter asked in a voice that was free of emotion.
I stared at my father in horror, a part of me hoping that he would laugh off Pete’s question as though it were absurd. Instead, Dad continued to look down at his hands.
“I wanted to tell you boys that you don’t have to worry about anything,” Dad said. “Because I’m going to get your mother back.”
“Mama’s coming back, right?” Samuel asked in confusion, looking between Dad and Peter.
Peter turned to Samuel. “What Dad is trying to tell us is that Mom has left… and she’s not coming back.”
“She is coming back,” Dad said quickly.
“How do you know?” John asked without any hope.
“Because I’m going to get her back,” Dad said, but he didn’t sound confident, even to my inexperienced ears.
Samuel looked as though he were about to cry. In truth, I wanted to cry, too, but I forced back the tears. I was ten now, almost a man, and I didn’t want to be the kind of man who cried.
“Why isn’t Mama coming back?” Samuel asked, looking at Dad searchingly.
Dad looked like he wanted to disappear; in fact, he looked like he was disappearing. “Your mother… has been going through a difficult time lately. I think she’s been a little sad, and she just needed some time to herself.”
“Dad,” Peter said slowly. “Did she call you?”
“She… she left a note,” Dad replied.
“What does it say?”
Dad looked blankly at Peter for a moment. “It said she was sorry and that she loved you boys but she needed… some time.”
“That’s what it said?” Peter asked as though he didn’t quite believe it.
“Yes.”
Peter took a deep breath. “Mom’s been unhappy for a long time, Dad. In fact, I think she’s been unhappy for as long as I’ve known her.”
“Don’t say that,” Dad said quickly, glancing at Samuel and me. “It’s not true.”
John put a hand on Peter’s shoulder to try and remind him to hold back his words, but Peter didn’t even seem to notice. “Denial won’t help you here, Dad. She doesn’t want to come back. The sooner you accept that, the better.”
Dad looked at Peter with an expression of shock on his face. “How can you give up on your mother so easily?” he demanded. “She’s your mother. She loves you.”
“Honestly… I don’t know what she felt for me. Maybe she loved me in her own way; maybe she loved us all in her own way, but that wasn’t enough to make her happy. Why would you want to force her back here?”
“Because she’s my wife,” Dad said forcefully. “And because this time I know what I have to do to make her happy.”
“And what is that?” Peter challenged.
“She was too good for me,” Dad said slowly. “I knew that from the start. She deserved to have nice things. She deserved to have a beautiful home and new dresses and expensive jewelry. I couldn’t give her any of that before. But now I can.”
“How?”
“I quit my job.”
“You love your job,” John said.
“A job is just a job at the end of the day,” Dad said with conviction. “What matters is family. What matters is your mother. I can make her happy now.”
Peter and John exchanged another glance, and I wished I knew what they were thinking. Tears were spilling down Samuel’s face, and I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but my hands were frozen to my sides. I barely understood what was happening. It seemed strange to live in a world that didn’t include my mother. Was I just expected to get up each day, go to school and smile as though nothing had changed? Everything had changed. The world had shifted.
“I want you boys to listen to me carefully,” Dad said, clearing his throat. “There are few people in life worth fighting for… but when you find those people, you need to pull out all the stops. You need to do whatever it takes to make them happy, to win them over and to keep them in your life.”
Peter wasn’t even looking at Dad. His eyes were fixed on Samuel. “Sam?” he called. “Come here, buddy.”
Samuel picked up his hunched, little eight-year-old body and moved to sit on Peter’s lap. He buried his head in Peter’s chest and started sobbing quietly.
Dad’s face crumpled at the sound, but he didn’t get up or make an attempt to move any closer. “Samuel, my boy,” he said gently. “Don’t cry… your mother’s coming back.”
“Don’t tell him that,” Peter said fiercely. “You can’t make that promise.”
Dad’s face went red but he fell silent. After a long silence, Samuel lifted his head up and looked at Dad. “Why did she leave us? Is it because I forgot her birthday this year?”
“She left because of me, son,” Dad said without hesitation. “That was the only reason. It had nothing to do with you or any of your brothers. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me, Samuel?”
“Yes,” Samuel whispered.
“Do you hear me, Alan?”
I looked up with a start as Dad said my name. “Yes, Dad,” I said softly.
“What are you going to tell Talen?” John asked.
“I’m going to tell him that your mother extended her trip,” Dad replied. “That’ll give me enough time to get her back.”
“And what if she doesn’t come back?” Peter asked.
“The people you love are worth fighting for,” Dad told him with conviction. “I love your mother, and I’m going to make her happy. She’s going to be back in this house soon and this whole incident will just be a small bump in the road.”
“Okay, Dad,” John said gently. Then he gave Peter a pointed look and Peter backed down, allowing Dad to have the final word. I sat there in confusion, panic, and sorrow, and suddenly I wished I were playing outside in the grass with Talen…
“Alan!” Langdon’s voice made me jump a foot in the air.
“Fuck,” I said, shaking out of my reverie. “What the hell are you yelling for?”
“Man, you were zoned out,” Langdon replied. “I was trying to get your attention for like five minutes.”
“Sorry… I was somewhere else.”
“Obviously,” Langdon smirked. “Dreaming about Jessica, huh?”
“Not exactly,” I said honestly. “Are you all packed?”
“Packed and ready, my friend,” Langdon replied. “I’m about to head out.”
“I’ll walk you downstairs,” I said, following Langdon out the door of our room.
As Langdon grabbed some snacks from the fridge, I took out my phone and checked it again for what may have been the hundredth time.
“You expecting a call or something?” Langdon asked pointedly.
“I texted Jessica a few hours ago,” I said. “Asking if she would have dinner with me tonight.”
“I thought you were meant to leave today?”
“I was,” I said. “But my plans changed last minute.<
br />
Langdon raised his eyebrows. “You really like this girl, don’t you?”
“I do,” I admitted.
“Where are you taking her?”
“She hasn’t texted back,” I replied, trying not to sound too affected by that.
“Huh.”
“Huh what?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Langdon said quickly as we walked to his car. “It’s just… you want my advice?”
“Not particularly,” I said. “But let me hear it anyway.”
Langdon smiled good-naturedly. “I think you should avoid the dating game. It’s not worth the hassle. Just take last night at face value, enjoy the memory, and leave it alone. You’ll save yourself a load of drama in the process.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.
“You do that.” Langdon saluted me dramatically and got into his car. I waited till he had turned the corner and then I walked back into the empty house. It felt much larger now that no one was around. I checked my phone again, but there was still no reply from Jessica.
I sat down in front of the television, but I had no interest in watching anything. Maybe Langdon was right and I should save myself the drama. God knew relationships were messy and filled with pain. Why open myself up to that? I had just decided that if Jessica didn’t reply, I would take Langdon’s advice.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jessica
I stared at the text for a long time. My initial reaction to seeing it was excitement, elation, and happiness. Then it was followed by an onslaught of other emotions. Fear, panic, worry, and trepidation took over and I kept questioning myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go. I did. The desire to see Alan again overwhelmed me, but a part of me knew that I was taking a one-way road that wouldn’t give me the option to turn back.
I decided not to reply to Alan’s text right away. I left my phone in my room and went downstairs to help my mom with lunch. I had just finishing setting the table when Dad walked in. I could tell right away that he was in a sour mood from this morning. His face was set in stubborn lines that I knew well. He took this stance whenever his authority was questioned. I saw this expression any time my opinion or decisions clashed with his.
Something about that face made something inside me snap. I had lived my entire life in fear of seeing that very expression, a mixture of annoyance and disappointment. I had tried my hardest to gain my father’s approval so that I would never have to see that look on his face again, but it seemed that no matter what I did, disapproval was never very far away.
I was sick of being perfect, the good girl, the kind of daughter who always followed the rules. I was sick of feeling suppressed and trapped and claustrophobic. I joined my parents at the table and passed my father the green beans.
“Dad,” I said in the most sincere voice I could muster up. “I am so sorry for being late today. At the very least, I should have called and informed you that I was running late.”
Dad looked up at me and his eyes settled over my face… studying me. After a moment, he nodded. “Apology accepted.”
A wave of annoyance hit me, but I suppressed it and kept my face neutral. “I spoke to my coach just now,” I said, the lie falling easily onto my tongue. “She’s left me the complex key so that I can get onto the facility and train this weekend.”
“Has she?” Dad said, looking up. “But no one else will be around?”
“No,” I said, hoping that Dad wouldn’t start getting suspicious. “But I like training alone sometimes… helps me focus better.”
The minute I said the word ‘focus,’ Dad’s eyes lit up slightly and the zeal for me to reach my potential overtook any reservations he might have had. “This might help you get a leg up from the other girls, too,” he said thoughtfully.
I decided to run with that. “That’s what I thought. I’m up against some stiff competition, and I figured the more I practice, the better.”
“Hmm… that’s not a bad idea,” Dad agreed. “Does that mean you’re going to be out for the rest of the day?”
“I’m pretty tired from the practice this morning actually,” I said. “So, I might get a few hours of sleep and go into the facility for a late-night session in the pool.”
Dad frowned. “What time do you think you’ll be home?”
“I’ll try and be home by eleven,” I said, wondering if I was pushing my luck.
He considered that for a moment and then nodded. “All right… I don’t see the harm in a little extra practice.”
“Great,” I said, trying not to be inappropriately happily about that.
The moment lunch was over, I went back up to my room and replied to Alan’s message. I was going to take control of my life, starting with accepting Alan’s invitation to dinner. After I had replied to him, I dialed in Winnie’s number. She answered immediately and her tone was expectant.
“It’s about time you called,” she said. “I’ve been waiting all morning to hear about your escapade last night.”
I fell back onto my bed and laughed. “I had an amazing night.”
“Well, that much is obvious,” Winnie replied. “Tell me everything. I didn’t even see you guys at the party.”
“Well, we weren’t down for that long,” I admitted. “We spoke a little downstairs and then Alan took me up to his room.”
“Wow,” Winnie said approvingly. “Fast mover.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I said, coming to Alan’s defense. “He wasn’t trying to seduce me or anything. We just wanted to play a drinking game somewhere quiet.”
“A drinking game, huh?”
“Which kind of led to other things.” I smiled. It felt wonderful to have a story to share with a friend. I was so used to listening to everyone else’s stories that this was a nice change of pace.
“Really?” Winnie’s tone got softer. “How far did you end up going?”
I smiled. “All the way.”
“Are you serious?” Winnie demanded.
“Completely.”
“Wow,” Winnie said in disbelief. “I can’t believe it.”
“Don’t act so surprised,” I said. “I’m not a prude.”
“You do a good impression of one,” Winnie laughed. “How did it happen?”
“We were drinking… and talking and suddenly… all I wanted to do was jump on top of him.”
“And did you?”
“I think I did actually.”
“Atta girl,” Winnie crowed. “I’m so proud. How was it?”
“Oh, man, Winnie,” I sighed. “Sex is truly amazing. I mean… I can finally appreciate what all the fuss is about now.”
“Did you come?” Winnie asked in her blunt manner.
“I did.”
“Wow,” Winnie said. “I’m impressed. He made you come the first time around… and this was your first sexual experience, too. He’s set the bar high. The first time I had sex was very different.”
“What was it like?” I asked curiously.
“We were both sixteen, and he didn’t really have a huge amount of experience. He flopped on top of me for ten seconds and it was all over. I barely felt anything apart from that initial burst of discomfort.”
“Ugh,” I said. “That doesn’t sound good at all.”
Winnie laughed. “For most people, that’s exactly how it is. You just happen to be extremely lucky.”
“I was,” I said. “And he was such a gentleman. I mean… he made me feel so comfortable and safe. He kept asking me how I was and if it hurt.”
“Whoa… hold up,” Winnie said.
“What?”
“Did you tell him you were a virgin?”
“Umm… yeah,” I admitted.
“You are kidding,” Winnie said in disbelief. “And how did he react?”
“I could tell it caught him by surprise.”
“Obviously.”
“But he was just concerned for me,” I said. “He just wanted to make sure that I was really ready and t
hat I wouldn’t regret it afterward.”
“And then?”
“I told him that I was ready and I wanted it to happen… and then I started kissing him… and it happened.”
“Wow,” Winnie breathed. “That’s some story… How are you feeling now?”
“Pretty great, actually,” I said, feeling as though my shackles had loosened considerably.
“And… do you have any expectations?” Winnie asked cautiously.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… you slept with Alan… do you expect anything from him now?”
“Oh,” I said, understanding what she meant. “I didn’t have any expectations of him, to be honest. I mean I can’t deny that I like him. I mean, I really, really like him, but I would never assume that he felt the same way.”
“Good,” Winnie replied. “Only because I don’t want you to be disappointed if he doesn’t… pursue a relationship with you after this.”
“Actually… I have some news on that front,” I admitted.
“News?”
“He texted me this morning,” I said. “He wants to have dinner with me tonight.”
Winnie laughed as though she were both surprised and happy by that news. “Jess, that’s great. Looks like you did a number on him, too.”
“I don’t know about that,” I said.
“What have I told you about modesty?” Winnie said sternly.
I laughed. “Anyway… I told my parents that Coach had left the facility keys for me so that I could train this weekend. They think I’m going to be swimming tonight.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Winnie?”
“You are really showing your black swan, aren’t you?” Winnie said with a laugh. “I couldn’t be more proud.”
“I’m sick of being treated like a child.”
“Of course you are,” Winnie replied with understanding. “It’s about time you started fighting for your life back. I wish I could be there to help you get ready tonight.”
“Me, too,” I sighed. “I need your expertise.”
“Hmm… I think I may still be able to help,” Winnie said thoughtfully. “I’ll keep the spare key under a rock outside the front door for you. That way, you can let yourself in and ransack through my clothes, get ready, and head off for your date in style.”