Loving a Sinner

by D. B. Webb

  “So, what about you, Ryan? Any secrets that you wanna share?”

  I thought about his question for a moment. There were lots of things people didn’t know about me. The fact that I hated that my mom couldn’t love me more than she loved her liquor. There was also things about me personally that I could share. I could tell him that I hated being part of the popular crowd in high school. They were cruel and ignorant. I could tell him that I used to pray for bigger boobs because Hannah Scott had once told me that I was a small-chested slut that wouldn’t ever end up happily married.

  Small-chested slut… Now looking back on it, I could find the irony in her words. Personally, I think she just really liked the word “slut.” Besides, I was far from being a “slut” in high school. I had dated one person and one person only. She was always jealous Devlin had chosen me over her. I was the girl with no money and no chest. In her mind it didn’t make sense why someone from the “nice part of town” like Devlin would choose me over someone like her.

  However, her comment about my breasts had seeped into my very being. I was still insecure about them. Funny how terrible people can chip pieces of you away and never think twice about it.

  “I want a tattoo,” I finally told him.

  The ‘humph’ he made sounded as though he didn’t believe me, so I continued, “No really. I want a simple outline of three small waves.”

  He laced his fingers through mine and kissed them gently. “Why?”

  “I guess because if I have waves on me, no matter where I end up, I’ll always have a piece of home with me. And oceans take us away. They lead us to somewhere new. So, if I never leave this town, then I always have an adventure inked onto my skin.”

  I had thought about what I would get since I had turned eighteen. Kayla had wanted us to go get tattoos together, but I told her that until I knew what I wanted permanently inked into my skin, I wanted to wait.

  “You can’t stay here forever, Ryan. Don’t sell yourself short. If you want to leave, do it.”

  I wanted to tell him that I wished it were that simple. But I had my mom here… and then there was the money issue. Once I graduated and could pay for a trip, I would. But until then, I was stuck here.

  “Yeah, someday.”

  It was the best I could offer. The only answer I had.

  “Where would you go? What would you see?” he asked quietly. His lips brushed over my lower lip as he studied me.

  My heart began to race thinking of all the things I wanted to do.

  “First, I would see a Broadway show in New York. I don’t even care which one,” I paused to think and continued, “Then I would visit Europe. Starting with Italy and working my way up. I’ve always wanted to do one of those dumb photos where it looks like you’re leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa or holding the Eiffel Tower between your fingers.”

  My excitement got the better of me and the words came out rushed and full of enthusiasm. I should have been embarrassed to have gushed the way I did, but I wasn’t.

  “Well, let me warn you… Paris isn’t as gorgeous as you think it is. It’s kind of dirty. But the rest of those things are great.”

  Of course he had been to all of my dream destinations. And leave it to him to hate the ‘City of Love.’

  “Do you just hate all things romantic?” I asked him. I was only partially kidding.

  “Because I didn’t like Paris? Okay, listen. We’ll go someday, and I promise I’ll pretend to love it. Just for you.”

  We’d go someday?

  I knew it was a joke. He didn’t mean it, but I felt my heart sink a bit knowing that if I ever did go to Paris, he wouldn’t be the one next to me.

  I changed the subject before he could catch what he had said. “So tell me about your mom and dad.”

  I felt him stiffen beside me. I had apparently asked the wrong question.

  “Not much to say,” he shrugged.

  He didn’t sound too convincing.

  “Do you not like your parents?”

  Okay… I was a nosy bitch. I always had been and always would be. I couldn’t help it.

  “I love my mom… even if she doesn’t make the best decisions half of the time. Dad… Let’s just say Benjamin and I have our differences.”

  “Do your differences have anything to do with your scandalous behavior… maybe it’s the fucking people’s moms?” I joked.

  He didn’t find it funny.

  He changed the subject, “What about your parents? What are they like?”

  I was just going to pretend that I didn’t notice the diversion. If he didn’t want to talk about his parents, he would be happy to find I really didn’t either.

  “Uh… I’ve never known my dad. Mom…” What was I supposed to say about her? She was a drunk? She was a broken woman who had once been so strong? She barely noticed my existence from fifteen years old on? “Mom has her demons and they tend to get in the way of everything.”

  God that was way more personal than I had intended.

  “Demons, huh? Sounds like your mom would get along great with my folks.” He said it in a way that sounded like a flippant joke, but we both knew it wasn’t.

  “Sheesh, this got heavy… Is it just me or did we just dive straight into the deep end?” I joked back.

  “Maybe,” he whispered, “But something about jumping into the deep end with you feels a lot less like drowning and a lot more like floating.”

  I gave Ryan exactly two days before I contacted her again. I thought two days was plenty of time for her to think over what I had said. If she still wanted to give this friends thing a shot that would be great. If not, I wouldn’t exactly blame her. But much to my luck and pleasure, I found that she was still on board for getting to know each other again.

  Seeing how our date had been on a Friday, I had given her the weekend to digest everything. We were both back at work on Monday, eliminating any chance at a lunch date.

  It was the Monday before Thanksgiving, and Devlin had given most of our employees the week off. Generous bastard. If it had been up to me, Tom, Dick, and Harry would have been working until Wednesday night. It was just Thanksgiving for chrissakes. How much time did people need for food preparation? But Devlin had insisted, citing some stupid statistic about happy employees working harder.

  With most of the office on their extended holiday, I was visited with silence when I walked through the doors of our building. The security guard nodded in my direction, with his mouth in a firm line. Apparently, he didn’t appreciate the fact that he had been overlooked when time off had been handed out.

  Once I got to the floor where my office was located, I found that our secretary (whose name always slipped my mind because I didn’t have time to familiarize myself with every damn employee we hired) was sitting in her usual spot behind her desk.

  “Morning Mr. Bennett,” she smiled warmly as I passed her. She looked like somebody’s grandma. The kind of grandma who baked cookies and gave good hugs. I never had that kind of grandmother, so maybe I tried avoiding this woman out of spite. My therapist would have a field day analyzing that. She always liked trying to figure out my fucked up self.

  My assistant, Tiffany, was already sitting at her desk, looking very concerned as she typed away on her laptop.

  “Tiff,” I nodded as I entered my office.

  “Bennett,” was her return.

  Tiffany was in her early twenties and originally started as an intern at our company while she attended business school. At first I had been intrigued by the piercings and purple hair, angry that someone thought they could show up to an internship looking the way she did. But Tiffany was a hard worker, and she instantly was my favorite intern. Once her internship was complete, I had urged her to become my PA.

  Tiffany, or Tiff as I called her, was a beautiful girl even if she wasn’t my type. I had eyes and even I could admit when I was in the presence of a gorgeous woman. She didn’t have the purple hair anymore. Now it was a light gray, but her
double nose piercing and tongue piercing (along with the many holes in her ears) were still there. How did I know about the tongue piercing? Let’s just say the Christmas party two years ago had been a little wild.

  She was an amazing PA, and I was constantly worried she would realize her talent was being wasted away on me, but she had never attempted to leave. For that I was immensely glad because aside from our drunken encounter in the stairwell during our annual Christmas party, we had never had any sort of sexual chemistry. She was a hard worker, and I was her boss. We kept it platonic… and it was difficult for me to find a woman to just be friends with. She was one of the few people who knew the skeletons in my closet and the demons that I tried to hide. She was a good employee but an even greater friend.

  I sat at my desk where a hot coffee was already waiting for me, thanks to Jan.

  “Hey, Jackson, you have a few emails that required your personal attention so I forwarded those,” Tiff told me as she poked her head into my office.

  “Thanks.” I took a rather large sip of the coffee. The heat burned as it slid down my throat and caused tears to spring to the corner of my eyes.

  Tiff stayed at the door, watching me for a moment. I knew she had something else to tell me but was trying to determine whether I was in a mood.

  “Just tell me,” I told her pointedly. I didn’t have time for bullshit today.

  So I guess I was in a mood.

  The wince she gave me made me feel a little bad for how I had spoken to her.

  “Uh… It’s about Benjamin…” her voice trailed off when my shoulders stiffened at the sound of my dad’s name. “You know if it wasn’t important I wouldn’t bring it up,” she sighed.

  It was the truth. She knew how much I avoided any talk about my parents.

  “What’s going on?” I finally asked after giving myself a few more seconds of peace.

  “He knows you went on a date with Ryan.”

  I had worried that he would find out, I had just hoped it wouldn’t be this soon. I needed more time to spend with her before shit hit the fan.

  “Did he call?” I asked.

  “It’s one of the emails I forwarded.”

  He had fucking emailed me? He didn’t even have the decency to threaten me in person let alone a phone call?

  “Thanks, Tiff. I got it.” She nodded and turned and walked away.

  Taking a deep breath, I loaded the email that was from my dad and quickly read what he had written.

  Son, we need to talk about your date.

  Call me as soon as you’re in the office.

  -Benjamin

  If I had been in a bad mood this morning, my dad’s request for my phone call furthered the annoyance and anger I already had boiling.

  I dialed his number slowly, trying to buy myself some time to decide how to approach this. Years ago I had been a scared little boy. Sure, I had hated my dad years ago, but I knew better than to cross him. I had seen what he did to people who went against him.

  Now? Well, now I was a grown man who co-owned a Fortune 500 company. Dad could go to hell. I wasn’t his little puppet any longer and if he thought he could—

  “Jackson,” my dad’s gruff voice answered the phone on the third ring.

  “You requested my attention?”

  “I think we both know why that is….” He paused and said something to someone who must have been around him on his end. “How was Ryan?”

  “Good,” was my curt response. He wouldn’t scare me away from her. Not this time.

  “Now I could be wrong, so correct me if I am, but I thought we already had a discussion about Ryan Patterson… about ten years ago, was it?”

  I could remember that “discussion” like it was yesterday.

  “I’m not young and easily persuaded now, Dad. I’ve already gotten my trust fund—”

  “Ahh… I thought maybe you’d grown some balls. So I have already come up with a list of reasons as to why you’ll end this thing with Ryan… again.”

  His words sent a chill down my spine. Clutching my phone closer to my ear, I waited for his list.

  “I can still divorce your mother like I said I would all those years ago. I can pull my company’s investment in Echane Holdings….” His pause was for my benefit. So I could try to argue his points. I was always stupid enough to fall for his democratic parenting bullshit.

  “Do it. I can take care of Mom now… and my company doesn’t need you and your investment.”

  I could definitely do the first thing, but I was lying when I said that Echane would be fine without Bennett Estates. Devlin would murder my ass if we lost that investment.

  “Again, I had a feeling you’d play hero and be a stubborn idiot about my company’s investments so I have a third reason, Jackson. Listen and listen carefully.”

  I should have seen another more damaging threat coming. He always kept the best for last.

  “I’ll tell Ryan about Jeffrey.”

  A lump formed in my throat and it made it hard for me to get out what I said next.

  “She wouldn’t care.”

  It was a lie. A complete lie. I never wanted her to find out about him.

  “What would she say if she knew about him? You really don’t think she’d care that you’re keeping him a secret?”

  “I’ve never even met him, Dad.”

  It was true. When I had found out about Jeffrey, I had been in a bad place in life. Although I paid for him, and was still paying for him, I hadn’t ever wanted to meet him.

  “Something tells me Ryan won’t care if you’ve met him or not. But keeping her from the truth… that might be another story.”

  He was right. Of course he was right.

  “I’ll give you some time to mull all of this over, Son. I’ll be in contact soon.”

  I didn’t reply. I couldn’t, my mouth was dry and my head was spinning.

  “And Son? I suggest making the right choice.”

  And, with that, the line went dead. Just like my hopes for a second chance with Ryan.

  That thing I had said about ate being a bitch?

  She was still a bitch.

  Ryan and I had ventured back to Rocksend after one more round of sex in my dad’s L.A. apartment. A lazy smile didn’t leave Ryan’s face until we pulled in front of her place. It was then that a frown had formed. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but instead gave a quick peck on her cheek before she scurried out of the car.

  Wednesday we had a coffee date where I actually allowed her to sit and enjoy it. Although if it had been up to me, we would have forgone the iced mochas and went straight to her place for… dessert.

  Two weeks after we had made arrangement flew by. It was full of secret hookups when Kayla was out and stolen kisses when we ran into each other “coincidentally” in public. We were careful, and we were free falling into an unknown territory for the both of us. While I had never come close to feeling for a girl the way I felt for Ryan, she was still getting used to hooking up with someone outside of a relationship. We laughed and told each other secrets as much as we sat silently together, memorizing every detail of each other’s bodies.

  Two weeks into our arrangement, I found Devlin in his pool house rummaging around the place like a crazy person. The noise he was making could wake up his great grandma from the grave.

  I had seen him very little during my time in California. He always made the excuse that he was working, but eventually confessed that he was staying in L.A. because he was dating a girl named Madison. When I brought it up to Ryan, she frowned and told me it was the same girl he had cheated on her with. There was something extremely wrong about that. But Ryan hadn’t seemed to care too much and had gone on with her life—with me.

  When I asked Devlin what the hell he was doing, he informed me that he was throwing a pool party and needed help getting set up. I tried reminding him we, the lucky people of the world, had people we could hire to do that shit, but he laughed me off, saying he wasn’t afraid to get hi
s hands dirty.

  No shit, you bastard, I wanted to say. I almost brought up the fact that cheating definitely qualified as getting dirty, but refrained from doing so because he didn’t know that I knew about his cheating. And I wasn’t about to tell him I had found out via his ex girlfriend.

  That would go over about as well as you could imagine.

  After a few minutes of us fucking around with inflatable chairs, the doorbell rang throughout the house, and Devlin disappeared inside. A few minutes later, he was ushering a pretty blonde through the door.

  “Jackson, this is Madison,” Devlin said, smiling as his little blonde weakness walked through the doors of the Lane house.

  “Hey,” I replied flatly. Madison’s smile faltered, but Devlin’s completely vanished.

  When he pulled me aside, he hissed, “What the hell is your problem, Jackson?”

  “Gee, I don’t know DK… Maybe the fact that you broke up with your girlfriend and less than a week later you’re dating someone new? Who moves on that fast?”

  I watched as a vein in his forehead strained under his angry gaze.

  “What are you implying?”

  Personally, I hadn’t meant to imply anything, but apparently his guilty conscious didn’t realize that.

  “Is there something you’re not telling me, best friend?”

  “I was faithful to Ryan, if that’s what you’re trying to imply,” he lied. He looked me straight in the eyes as he did it, and I wanted nothing more than to punch him in his fucking face.

  “Is that so?” I pressed.

  He turned the tables when he said, “And it’s not like you have the greatest track record with sleeping with women, Jackson. So let’s not forget who the real asshole is.”

  He was cussing… he must have been really pissed off at my supposed accusation.

  “Maybe I’m sick and tired of that sort of thing,” I muttered.

  Even if he had been right, and I normally wouldn’t have cared that he was practically calling me a manwhore, something had changed these past two weeks. I didn’t like the fact that I had put off being with someone other than a casual hookup.

  Especially because I was pretty positive I had found someone I could see myself growing old with.