Secrets of a Sissy Boy: A Gay Grimoire of Modern Magic for Men Who Love Men and the Hags Who Worship Them

by Carolina Dean

  Sometimes, when a spell is finished and I think it needs a little more oomph, I will take the petition that I created for the spell and place it in the Ancestor Pot rather than dispose of it. The same can be done with talismans, jewelry, and other objects as well. In other instances, if I feel that someone or something is interfering with my working or it needs more power, I will remove a candle from the altar where it is burning and place it directly on the Ancestor Altar. If I have an enemy working against me or if someone is bothering me, I will take their photograph or name paper and place it directly under the pot face down and ask the Ancestors to keep them down.

  chapter 3

  The Secret No One Talks About

  Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Billy Lucas, Tyler Clementi, Raymond Chase, Adam Kizer - these are just a few of the names of teens who committed suicide after years of mental and physical abuse, bullying, and harassment simply because they identified as gay or bisexual. Research has shown that the suicide rate among LBGTQ youths is significantly higher than those of their heterosexual counterparts. In the early 2000s, a higher number of gay suicides prompted a series of studies focusing on the underlying causes of such suicides as well as measures to prevent them. Research has shown that acceptance of one’s sexuality, even neutrality, by a parent or guardian can greatly reduce the chances that an at-risk LGBTQ teen would attempt suicide. In fact, gay youths who face a high level of rejection from their families and loved ones are approximately eight times more likely to attempt suicide. Also, 25 percent of LGBTQ teens have reported harassment at school due to their sexual orientation, and LGBTQ teens are three times more likely to say that they do not feel safe at school. Finally, gay teens are more likely to express intentions of suicide than heterosexual teens, and they are more likely to seek out and find supporting friends online, as well.

  In order to significantly reduce the number of gay teens who commit suicide, it is clear they must have the love and support of their families. They must feel safe and secure at home and school, and they must be able to have someone they can talk to openly about their thoughts and feelings. The best way to uplift a gay teen is to do so before they turn to suicide. All of us at some time or another, has experienced seeing someone bullied. Whereas it may be easier to simply stand by and do nothing or even join the crowd, it is better to be both kind and brave by standing up for the one who is bullied.

  A Ritual to Uplift the Spirits of Gay Suicides

  It is a commonly held belief, at least among Christians, that when a person commits suicide their soul goes immediately to hell. I do not believe that it is as simple as that. While suicide is contrary to the fifth commandment (thou shalt not kill), we now know that there exist certain physical, mental, and spiritual conditions beyond the individual’s control that can drive a person to take their life. Our place is not to judge, but rather to bury our dead with dignity and pray for the salvation of their souls.

  My experiences with mediumship and working with various spirits has taught me that the evolution of our souls continues after we have shed our earthly bodies, and that those experiences and lessons our souls need to evolve are presented to us on the other side. When a person commits suicide, they may find themselves in an afterlife of their own making. They may find themselves reliving all the painful episodes they experienced in life and feeling the pain that they inflicted on others, only this pain is greatly magnified. They may find themselves lost and wandering in a place of darkness separated from the light of God’s love. The purpose of the Ritual to Uplift the Spirits of Gay Suicides is to help lift that person’s soul up out of that darkness and break the cycle of torment so that they can begin the process of at-one-ment with God through spiritual evolution.

  Begin by gathering the dirt from the individual’s grave. If this is not possible because the individual is cremated or their grave is too far away or unknown to you, then substitute dirt from an unused portion of your local cemetery. Arrange this dirt on a white plate in the form of a solar, or equal-armed, cross (see figure ). In the center of this cross, place a white candle dressed with Holy Oil onto which you have etched the person’s name. Next to the plate, place a clear glass of water and set up the individual's’ photo nearby. Light the candle and fervently say the following prayer:

  Remember, Oh Lord, the God of Spirits and all Flesh our brother in Christ (Name) son of (Father) and (Mother). Pray that you give him rest in the land of the living, in Thy kingdom, in the delight of Paradise, in the bosom of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and in the loving embrace of his Ancestors from whom pain, sorrow, and sighing have departed, where the light of your love touches him and shines upon him always. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  Next, spend a few moments in quiet contemplation sending out love to the spirit of the individual. Mentally reach out to their spirit, wherever it may be, tell them how much they are loved, forgive them for having taken their life, but also speak to them about the opportunity to redeem themselves. Urge them to seek out the light of the love of God.

  At this time, you may receive messages from their spirit; it may come in the form of mental images, words, or phrases. You may even experience emotions in the form of shame, regret, or unworthiness. You may encounter resistance from the spirit as they may not yet be ready to help themselves. If this is the case, you must be persistent and continue radiating love out to the individual. You may have to perform the ritual more than once, and when the spirit responds in a positive manner, you will feel it in a tangible way. You may find that you feel lighter, happier, freer than you have felt before; or they may send you a message that they are well and that you no longer have to worry about them.

  On Coming Out

  Coming Out is the act or process by which an LGBT person discloses their orientation to another individual or individuals. Coming out can be both a terrifying, as well as a liberating, experience. On the one hand, you fear the rejection of those closest to you. At the same time, you are relieved to lay down the burden of silence.

  I look upon a person’s coming out as a sort of initiation, or rite of passage, into the gay community. In fact, the very word initiation means to begin something - which also implies that for something to begin, something must end.

  Therefore, coming out means the end of silence, the end of secrets, the end of shame, and the subsequent beginning of a life of freedom, a life of authenticity, and a life of self-acceptance. Now, I am not saying that every coming out experience is positive. Like most initiatory experiences, coming out is often difficult. The price of our new freedom can sometimes be the loss of family and friends, and this is the price that we must sometimes pay to be ourselves. It should also be noted that you will often have to come out several times in your life, disclosing your orientation to several people at different points in your life for many reasons, but trust me, it gets easier after the first time.

  That said, I have never met anyone who regrets coming out, no matter how difficult it was at the time or the strain it put on their relationships. Just remember that coming out is the beginning of your journey and not your destination. The best is yet to come.

  A Ritual to Mark the Occasion of Your Coming Out

  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us that one size fits all. In the same way that not everyone celebrates their birthday, not everyone is going to want to mark the occasion of their, rebirth, or coming out. Some folks may choose to move on from what was, in all likelihood, a very difficult time in their life, while others may wish to look back just to see how far they, and the world at large, has come.

  I know that the title of this section is A Ritual to Mark the Occasion of Your Coming Out, but I am not going to give you one because one size DOES NOT fit all. This ritual is one that you must write for yourself. I will, however, offer a few suggestions.

  Volunteer with an organization that supports and promotes equality.

  If you can’t volunteer, make a donation in any amount that you would like, to such an organization.
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  Spend some quiet time writing a letter to your younger self, describing all the great things you are going to experience in the future. Burn the letter.

  Have your friends come over for a special dinner and invite them to share their own coming out stories.

  Reflecting on the past can often be painful and difficult so you may wish to take a spiritual bath to help nurture your healing and personal growth.

  Plan a trip to a place of historical significance to the gay community and consider the lives and legacies of those who have gone before you, as well as what you hope your own legacy will be.

  Support an LGBT or LGBT friendly artist by purchasing their goods or services.

  In whatever manner you choose to celebrate the occasion of your coming out, or not, is completely up to you. It is your life, celebrate it.

  Chapter 4

  The Secret to Love

  By virtue of the Divine Spark, everything that has a soul carries with it the desire to love and be loved in return. All living things - from humans to animals, and plants, all the way down to the “lowest” forms of life - carry the Divine Spark within them. It is that part of themselves that is God, and it is connected to all living things and seeks to reunite with the original source (the cosmic consciousness).

  Through the Divine Spark within all life, God experiences what it means to be alive. He (for lack of a better word) shares in the full range of human and non-human experiences, such as falling in love, being scared, being lonely, being hungry, being happy, and being healthy. Through the Divine Spark in the plants and animals, Spirit knows what it means to be sacrificed as food for other life to continue, what it means to be planted in the Earth as a seed, to grow and sprout, and to join the natural order. For this reason, it is the natural state of every living thing to love and to be loved in return. It is that simple.

  Problems arise when humans try to change the definition of love and when they try to limit love. There are those who say that there are different kinds of love, such as romantic love, platonic love, and the love between parents and children. There are some who, sadly, believe that their partners physical or emotional abuse is a sign of love, and so they never get to experience real love. Then, there are those who have been burned by love, and go through life dreading the fire, smothering its flame wherever it arises. And, there are those who cannot get enough love - they see love in the smallest kindness and fan its flame wherever it is perceived. And so, by running both to and from love the individual misses out.

  Lastly, there are those who say that men cannot love one another in the way that a man and a woman can. They say that love is a privilege reserved for one man and one woman. I say that love, all love, in its purest form is the same and that real love is not a privilege, it is a right. More importantly, love is a gift from God.

  The Ethics of Love and Sex Magick

  Unlike religions such as Wicca, that accept the practice of magick as part of its belief system and which advises its adherents to “harm none,” Hoodoo - not being a religion - generally does not ascribe to any notion of karma. In fact, since Hoodoo is essentially the separation of magickal practices from religious dogma, the ethics of conjure is left entirely up to the practitioner and his or her sense of moral values.

  Some conjure workers are said to be Lady-Hearted, which means that they are morally opposed to bringing harm to another individual or animal using spells and magick. Other workers will gladly curse your enemy under certain conditions. Some workers are opposed to breaking up marriages so long as abuse is not a factor, while others will do it for a price. In some cases, it may not be that the worker doesn't want to perform a certain type of spell or working, but that they may have no talent, or aptitude, for it.

  While ethics play a large role in the practice of Hoodoo, it is up to the individual to define the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior. For example, some folks believe that using magick to seduce another person or to get them to love you is tantamount to rape. I, however, do not believe that is a valid analogy. The use of magick to increase your chances of successfully pairing up with another person is no more immoral than bathing, having good hygiene, and wearing a scent that is sexually arousing.

  I am not opposed to working spells to sexually seduce a man who identifies as heterosexual, either. I hold that if the spell is successful, then it was, in fact, justified on some level. Nonetheless, I would never expect the spell to result in a long-term romantic or even sexual relationship. I would never attempt to break up a couple if I have no claim on either party (i.e. a past connection or relationship) or simply so that I can have one of them to myself. I would never attempt to break up a couple who is happy, or a couple who are committed to one another despite problems they may be having.

  Unblocking Love: The Seven Insights

  It is my firm belief that all change begins with our thoughts, and this is a concept that I will reiterate several times within this tome: what we dwell on inwardly we manifest outwardly. Therefore, let us examine some of the thoughts that prevent a person from finding lasting love and offer some remedies for overcoming them. I call these remedies the Seven Insights.

  Work through fear. Fear is the core obstacle that stands between the individual and the love that they seek. Fear of rejection, fear of looking foolish, fear of incompatibility with a potential mate despite attraction, fear of not deserving love. Fear is a natural part of the human condition; it cannot simply be banished or obliterated. Therefore, the only viable option is to accept fear for what it is - a projection of your doubts - and work through that fear. One way to work through fear is to accept that things are never as bad as we build them up to be in our minds. Instead of dwelling on potential negative outcomes, shift your focus to positive consequences and watch the world conform to your will.

  Let go of hate. Many people are hateful without really knowing that they are hateful. Don’t believe me? Think about how many times a day you begin a sentence with the words “I hate.” I am sure that many of you do this without realizing what you are saying: “I hate her,” “I hate my job,” “I hate that show,” “I hate when he does that,” “I hate when that happens,” and on and on. For the most part, we are expressing our frustration with something that we feel we have no control over. However, that hate gradually pollutes our spirits and robs us of the ability to love. Love cannot be nurtured in an environment of hate. Instead, nurture love by trading your “I hate” statements with “I love” statements.

  Accept yourself. We are often our own worst enemies, and the hate that we project onto the world is often a reflection of the hate (or dislike) we have for ourselves. We may hate the way we look, the way we talk, a physical feature, or some such other thing. Actress, singer, and drag superstar RuPaul said it best, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love somebody else?” The truth is that you can lose weight, cut and color your hair, improve your personal style, and so forth, but all that is simply “drag,” a costume. Before you can accept another person into your life, you need to have accepted yourself. Part of loving yourself is taking care of yourself inside and outside. So, go ahead and lose weight if you are making a conscious decision to be healthier, and cut your hair if you feel it will make you more attractive and feel better about yourself; but, don’t forget to improve yourself on the inside as well

  Be vulnerable. People often unconsciously set up barriers between themselves and love. Fear of being hurt can cause a person to act disinterested when someone shows interest in them, even when they secretly like the person showing interest. They may set impossibly high standards and reject all potential love interests because the individual in question does not meet those standards. They may even subconsciously gain weight or not maintain proper hygiene to discourage any would-be suitors. These kinds of self-sabotaging activities usually work all too well and thus, solidifies the person’s belief that they are “too ugly,” “don’t deserve love,” and will “never find the right man.” To find
love, you are going to have to be willing to let love in and those self-imposed barriers are going to have to come down. Let yourself be vulnerable to love by recognizing your needs and give yourself permission to be open to the possibility of love. The more open you are to the possibility of love, the more that possibility becomes a probability, and eventually, love will become an inevitability.

  Sever unhealthy ties. Second to fear, the biggest obstacles standing between the individual and lasting love is the tendency to settle for less. Maybe you have found a “fuck buddy,” a person who is happy to have sex with you on a regular or a semi-regular basis but the relationship has no romantic overtones. Perhaps your new lover is married and can only be with you when it is convenient for him, and there is no possibility for a deeper relationship. When an Italian speaks to an Italian, he speaks Italian; when a Spaniard speaks to a Spaniard, he speaks Spanish; however, when one lover speaks to another they speak the language of love. The language of love is a language of things said and things done, things left unsaid, and things not done. It is a varied, if not a universal language with as many dialects as there are people. To one person it might mean intense feelings of deep affection; to another, it may be defined as a profound friendship devoid of sexual interest. To another person, love may be as fleeting as an orgasm, and yet to another, it may sadly mean the right to hurt you without consequence. So, before you give your love to or accept love from another person, it is important that you are sure that both of you are speaking the same language. So long as you seek out relationships with men who do not share the same goal as you, you are limiting yourself and settling for less than what you deserve. Therefore, it is important that you stop engaging in unhealthy and unrealistic relationships so that you can pursue ones with more promise.