by Abbi Cook
“I can’t do that. Not yet.”
He frowns, and I hate that I’ve made him unhappy, but I can’t change who I am overnight. As I walk away, I hear him say, “I love you, little bird. I wish we were at the apartment instead of here.”
I do too, Alexei. You have no idea how much I wish that.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Natalie
I find Adam standing with Pilar and her husband inside the Nineteenth Hole, and as soon as he sees me, I know something’s wrong. My stomach begins to twist into knots that he saw Alexei and me outside.
Pilar hands me my drink and then squeals as she takes her husband’s hand in hers, “I told Natalie the good news!”
Adam's gaze travels from the two of them to me looking for an answer to what this good news of theirs is before focusing on Justin. "Good news?"
The soon-to-be new father is far less exuberant than his wife and shrugs as he smiles almost sheepishly, oddly enough. "It looks like we're going to have a new baby in the house in about seven months. Pilar and I found out a week or so ago."
The news makes my husband's eyes grow big, but the momentary surprise quickly disappears from his expression and he reacts the way most men do at hearing this kind of news. Extending his hand to shake Justin's, he says, "Then congratulations are in order. We should find cigars to celebrate your news."
Pilar looks over at me and wrinkles her nose in disgust. "Why is it that men can always find a reason to bring out those disgusting things?"
I don't answer and instead roll my eyes playfully. Justin takes Adam's suggestion as a reason to veer the conversation toward politics, as he always does.
"Did you hear that Avalon is considering making it illegal to smoke anywhere within city limits? I guess that puts the kybosh to any of our cigar smoking."
Pilar comments about how unfair that is, completely contradicting her idea about how disgusting cigars are from just a minute before, and Adam simply gives Justin a weak smile. I look at his reaction and realize I have no idea what my husband thinks politically. I don't know if he's conservative or liberal or who he's ever voted for in any election. Or if he votes at all. It's as if I know nothing about him in that area, even as I have the feeling I should.
I glance over at Pilar and think she certainly knows all about her husband's politics and not only because he's interested in that subject. I bet she knows nearly everything about him. She might even know about his possible affairs in D.C. Meanwhile, I know next to nothing about Adam.
In the midst of the three of them discussing something political, I see Alexei walk into the clubhouse and begin talking to one of the players in today’s tournament. He appears to be completely interested in whatever they’re discussing, but I see him glance over at me like he’s watching for something terrible to happen.
"Natalie, you missed that woman talking about that at the last Preservation Society meeting. She couldn't have been prouder to tell us all about how her husband is spearheading that resolution on the city council. You should have seen her. Very obnoxious. New money, I bet."
"You'll ha—have to bring me up to speed," I stammer out as I see Adam glaring at me.
Reaching over to hold my hand, he clamps down around my fingers so hard tears come to my eyes. I try to listen as Justin explains how it's legal for the city to go through with its cigar ban but he believes the voters are against it, while the whole time pain shoots up through my wrist from Adam squeezing so hard I'm afraid he might break one of my fingers any minute now.
Pilar interrupts her husband and I look over at her to see concern written all over her face. "Are you okay, Natalie? Your eyes are tearing, and you look pale."
Before I can utter a word of the lie I know I must tell, Adam releases my hand and slips his arm around my waist. "I think we should go. You do look pale, Natalie. I'm going to take you home."
Now I do have to lie, so I force a tepid smile for Pilar and Justin and nod. "I do feel a little under the weather. I think I might be coming down with something. Please excuse me."
The two of them barely get the chance to wish me well before Adam whisks me away and out of the clubhouse. I keep my gaze down so I don't have to face anyone as we leave, but I look up to see Alexei excusing himself to follow us. We hurry down the stairs to the parking lot with my husband holding my wrist tightly and pulling me along. I don't know what's happened, but he seems intent on hurting me.
But why?
"I feel fine. We don't have to leave. It's just that you were hurting me when you squeezed my hand so hard," I explain quietly.
He doesn't say a word to me until we reach the car. Looking around to make sure we're alone, he leans in close and says, "I won't be humiliated by my wife. Ever. I warned your mother about this. I warned her."
When he pulls away, I see the rage in his eyes and fear tears through me. I don't know what he's talking about, but I've never seen him so furious. Without a word more, he opens the car door and pushes me inside before slamming it shut.
I don't know what happened. Did he see Alexei talking to me outside? Did Pilar say something while I was gone?
All I know is I've never been more afraid of my husband than at this moment.
We ride along in silence all the way home. His knuckles turn white from squeezing the steering wheel so tightly, and I glance down at the fingers on my right hand to see red marks where his hand squeezed them the same way.
My mind ping-pongs between the pain in my hand and what I could have done or said to make him act this way. I didn't give my opinion on the cigar ban. I didn't say anything I shouldn't have about anything.
Is he angry about Pilar being pregnant? I replay the scene and focus on when he found out their news. He appeared surprised but not angry. He said what men usually say in response to hearing about a pregnancy.
Could it be that? If so, I have no power to make him happy then because getting pregnant is out of my hands.
As I sit silently and hang on to the door cowering at what might set him off next, I feel a sense of relief go through me that I'm not pregnant with his child. I've never felt this way. I've wanted to give him a baby for years, and now all I can think of is how much I’d hate to be pregnant now.
I sneak a glance over at him and see his jaw clenched. I've never seen him like that. Wait. No, I have. In that waking dream the other night as I lay in bed next to him, I saw him clench his jaw in anger at my mother about whatever was in those papers.
Oh, God. What was in them that upset him so much? He must know about Alexei. Nothing else would make him as furious as that. He’s allowed to have a girlfriend, but for me to do the same is forbidden.
He pulls into the driveway and jams the car into park. Without saying a word, he gets out and slams his door so hard I jump at the sound of metal hitting metal when it closes. I don't want to get out and go inside. I want to run away. I want to go to the apartment.
To Alexei.
I can't sit out in the car all night, so after ten minutes of wishing I could go anywhere else, I head into the house. I scan the neighborhood for any sign of Alexei or his man he said watches my house every minute of the day and night and silently pray I’m safe.
Please don’t let him kill me.
My hands shake so much I can barely turn the doorknob, and I feel like I'm going to be sick as I close the door behind me. The kitchen is dark, and when I turn on the light, I see Adam sitting in the living room. His left hand grips the arm of the chair while his other hand is curled into a tight fist.
Every fiber of my being tells me to not say a word and go upstairs. I don't think I possess a true fight or flight instinct. My nature is to want to flee, especially when I have no idea what I'm fighting about.
I turn to walk up the stairs and hear him say in a low, ominous voice, "I won't be humiliated by my wife."
Going against everything my mind is telling me, I look at him and ask, "What do you mean? How have I humiliated you?"
Whatever I expec
ted his response to be, I'm stunned when he leaps from the chair and rushes toward me. His red face flush with rage terrifies me with each step he takes until he's just inches away from me. I recoil in horror as I see in his eyes there's no reasoning with him.
"How have you humiliated me?" he bellows so loud my ears ring from the sound. "Do you think nobody noticed, Natalie? Did you think I didn't notice?"
Making myself as small as possible, I swallow hard and force myself to ask more about my supposed crime. "Notice about what? What did I do to make you so angry?"
But he doesn't answer immediately. He simply glares at me. My mind races to find the answer to my own questions, but I have no idea what I've done.
"Please, Adam. Tell me what I did to upset you."
He leans back away from me, seething with rage, and shakes his head. "Tell me what I did to upset you, Adam," he says in singsong, mocking me. "Tell me what I did. How was that meeting you told me you attended the other day, Natalie? According to Pilar, it sounds like you missed a pretty interesting discussion."
For a moment, I can't understand why he's bringing up what Pilar said about that woman whose husband is on the city council. Do we know them? I can't even think of what her name could be.
Then it dawns on me. He's caught me in a lie.
"It’s not what you think," I plead as cower in anticipation of his next move and word.
"I warned your mother I wouldn't tolerate being humiliated. I warned her, and she told me you would never do that. When did you fuck him, Natalie? When?" he barks, frightening me with how vicious he sounds now.
"Who?" I ask, desperately trying to pretend there is no other man, no Alexei.
He must have seen us talking outside.
"The man you’re cheating on me with!" he screams at the top of his lungs. "The man you're fucking! Is that why you missed that meeting you lied about going to?"
I shake my head in stunned fear as I try to decide if he truly knows about him. Why isn’t he using his name if he knows?
“Who?”
My answer only serves to infuriate him more, and a second later, he lunges at me and wraps his hand around my neck as he pushes me up against the refrigerator. I close my eyes in fear and feel the magnets holding appointment cards and receipts for an oil change and the new vacuum cleaner fall to the floor around my feet.
With each passing second, he squeezes harder around my throat. My head begins to throb to match my heartbeat. He's going to kill me. I need to tell him the truth about the therapist.
"I've been seeing a doctor," I croak out, my voice barely able to make the required sounds of each syllable.
His hand stops its inexorable tightening, and for a long moment, I hear nothing but the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears. Then in a low voice, he says a single word.
"What?"
I open my eyes to see him staring at me through angry slits for eyes. I know what he thinks of therapists and psychiatrists.
"A therapist. I've been going to one because of my nightmares and waking dreams. He's helping me, Adam."
He releases me from his hold and steps back away from me with a look of utter horror in his eyes. "A therapist? You know how I feel about them and still you went behind my back to see one?"
I inhale a deep breath to fill my lungs, feeling it burn after being choked, and let it out in a loud sigh. "I've been having nightmares and these things he calls waking dreams. I see things as if they're there. But I'm not crazy. He's assured me I'm going to be fine. I needed to talk to a professional because I was scared."
Adam shakes his head and grimaces with every word I say. "No. No wife of mine is going to talk to some charlatan who thinks he can figure her out. No! He's going to put you away, Natalie. You watch. He's going to put you away. I won't let that happen."
Just like last time he said that I'd be taken away, a rush of terror races through me, but I know better now. Dr. Trevino would never do that. In a second, the fear passes and I try to make Adam understand how wrong he is.
"No, that doesn't happen. I only talk to him about my nightmares and my waking dreams. That's it. He helps me see things more clearly. I swear it's helping me. Why can't you be happy about that?"
"Because people who see things that aren't there are crazy, Natalie! Listen to yourself. You sound like you've lost your mind!"
"I haven't. Honestly, I usually just see you and my mother in my nightmares and waking dreams. The therapist thinks that's because you're on my mind. That's all," I try to explain, but it's no use.
Suddenly, he stops shaking his head and stares into my eyes. "What do you see your mother and me doing in these things?"
"I don't know. I can't hear what you're saying, so I just see things. In one, you were sitting in a chair reading some file, and in another you were sitting reading papers and angry with her. But dreams aren't literal, Adam. Either are waking dreams. They're more symbolic than literal."
My words seem to fall on deaf ears as he begins to shake his head again. "What's this therapist's name? I want to know now, Natalie."
Too exhausted to lie anymore, I answer, "Dr. Trevino."
"And how have you been paying this Dr. Trevino? I'm sure when I look at the checking account, I'll see you took money out for this."
Lowering my head, I say quietly, "No. I borrowed some off my sister."
"So she knows too?" he barks. "Which one? Let me guess. Claire. Tess would never let you do something so stupid. She knows better."
"Please, Adam. Don't make trouble for Claire. She's still so depressed about Lauren's disappearance. She doesn't need to deal with anything more," I plead.
Something in his eyes when I mention my sister Lauren says he doesn’t understand any of this. Me, why I want to get better, Claire’s sadness. None of it. It’s as if a stranger is staring at me with no feeling for anything that comes out of my mouth now.
Without answering me, he storms away, slamming the kitchen door behind him. The curtain falls off the window, and I burst into tears. Sobbing, I rehang the curtain and then slowly walk upstairs to the bedroom. I pass by my vanity and catch a glimpse of the red marks on my neck from where Adam choked me. Touching my fingertips to my skin, I can't stop the tears from coming again.
My real life has become as frightening as my nightmares, and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone about it. Even Dr. Trevino.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Natalie
A single beam of sun streaming through the bedroom window wakes me, and I look over at Adam's side of the bed to see he's gone. I don't know what time he came home, but the wrinkled sheets tell me he slept next to me last night.
My husband who nearly choked the life out of me slept next to me. I shudder at the thought of what he could have done to me in my sleep.
I take my time getting ready for the day, dreading the very idea that I might have to see him and sit across the breakfast table from him. How can I ever look at my husband again?
By the time I get downstairs, he's gone. Probably gone to his girlfriend’s house. The only evidence that he was there at all that morning is the open box from his new phone left where he sits for each meal. Looking around, I see there’s no corresponding box with a phone for me.
I'm not surprised. He doesn't trust me anymore now that he knows I've been going to see a therapist. Why would he trust me with a phone? God only knows who I might call. God only knows who I might tell what he did to me last night.
That he thinks I can't figure out how to get my own phone indicates just how subservient he believes I am. I'm no fool. I watch TV. I've heard of burner phones before. I have no idea where to get one, but a few moments online will tell me the answer. That is, of course, if he didn't take my laptop away also.
A quick glance over at the desk in the corner of the kitchen tells me he didn't think of that. Yet. His mistake. I flip the laptop open, and within a few seconds, I have the answer. Getting a pay-as-you-go cell phone is as easy as going to a local convenient store.
>
For a second, I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong with my plan to get a prepaid phone behind Adam's back. I feel like one of those criminals who use them so the authorities have no way of tracking their actions. I'm not a criminal, though.
After leaving the store, I activate the phone just as the clerk behind the counter explained how. A half hour later, I knock on Claire's kitchen door and hope Albert hasn't broken with his tradition and taken a Sunday off.
The door opens slowly and I see her surprised expression, her eyes wide as she looks at me. I usually call before I come over, but since I didn't think she'd answer a call from an unfamiliar number, I didn't bother.
"What are you doing here? Did we have plans and I forgot?" she asks as she hurries me into the house.
"No. I just needed to come over and talk, if that's okay."
She turns to look at me and studies my face. "Of course it's okay. What's wrong?"
I open my mouth to speak but stop and look around. "Any chance Albert took a rare Sunday off?"
"You know him. Every day is a work day. I'm here alone, as always. What's going on, Natalie?"
"A lot. Everything. It's a lot to explain, but I need to talk to someone."
She points toward the kitchen table. "Then let's sit down. Do you want something to drink?"
"No, but I need a piece of paper and a pen. I have a new phone number I want you to have. That way if I call, you'll answer since it's not a number you've ever seen."
Claire opens a drawer and hands me what I need. "What do you mean a new number? What happened to your old number?"
As I write down my new cell number, I say, "It's a long story. If I forget to tell you that part, ask me at the end, okay?"
I slide the paper and pen over to her and take a deep breath. "Please be sure to answer if I call."
Glancing down at it, she looks up at me and shakes her head. "What's going on? You're scaring me. Are you okay?"
The honest answer to that is no, but I don't want to frighten my sister any more than I have to. Telling her what's been happening is going to scare her enough, and after all she's been through, the last thing I want to do is make things worse for her. I have to tell someone, though, and there's no one else in this world I trust more than Claire.