“Here.” I attempted to pull myself together. He turned briefly to reach for the wash cloth.
“You okay?” Sincerity rang through his words. I wasn’t hiding my emotions as well as I had thought.
“I’m all right.” I wiped away the tears. “She looks so much like you.”
“She’s beautiful.” He smiled proudly, soaping the cloth and cleaning her body with care. “Just like her mother.” The words were mumbled, but I could still hear them.
Once Tim was finished, I dressed Kenzie in her sleeper and handed her off to Tim for bed. He had missed so much time with her, I wanted him to have as many moments with her as possible, and watching her fall asleep was heart filling. I tidied the kitchen while Tim was with her, making sure to give him the privacy he deserved. His voice lingered through the apartment as he sang Kenzie to sleep. God, I missed the pureness of just his voice. It sent tingles down my spine.
“She went to sleep easily.” He stated quietly, walking back into the kitchen. “Thank you for giving me that.” His smile was small. “Thank you for giving me her.”
“I think I’m the one who owes you a million thank yous.” I dried the last dish and placed it into the cupboard.
“I have a favor to ask though.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “Would you mind if I slept on your couch? I mean I can go to a motel…”
“Don’t be silly.” I cut him off. “You can stay here. You can have my bed for the night.” I blinked hard. “I will take the couch.” I filtered my thoughts, halting the words before they came out of my mouth. The truth was, I would be perfectly fine with sharing my bed. Thankfully my conscience caught up with me, reminding me of all the reasons why that not only shouldn’t but more importantly couldn’t happen.
“Now you’re the one being silly.” Tim’s tone carried a hint of flirtation. “I just appreciate being able to be near Kenzie.”
I wasn’t going to argue. There were more critical things to discuss, such as what we were going to do for the rest of the evening. I needed a plan, so I wasn’t flip flopping between drooling over Tim or wanting to jump his bones. A distraction was a must. “What do you want to do now?”
“I was thinking…” His voice trailed off; his blue eyes fixed on mine. “…that maybe we could work on a song for Kenzie.” His voice was shaky as he made the suggestion. “I started working on one, but my songs are always so much better with you. I’ve been waiting to work on it with you.” His smile was shy. “If you want to.”
“Absolutely. I would love to.”
“Okay, great.” He made his way toward the door. “I have to go out to the car and grab my bag, and I bought Kenzie something. I didn’t want to give it to her until I had a chance to run it by you.”
“Oh wow, you didn’t have to do that.” That statement was meant for both buying her something and for asking permission. He was handling this better than I could have ever hoped. I didn’t deserve such a faultless reaction. I watched him walk out the door before hurrying into my room to change out of my work clothing. I slipped on a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top, pulling my hair up into a messy bun on the top of my head.
My cell phone rang as I walked back into the living room. Luke’s timing was perfect. Tim would be at least a couple of minutes, which was more than enough time to touch base with Luke.
“Hey,” I answered, grabbing an extra pillow out of the linen closet along with two thin blankets.
“Hey, babe. How is the visit going?”
“It’s going well.” I laid the pillow and blankets on the chair next to the couch. “I only have a minute or two to talk though.”
“That’s fine. I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you.” If he only knew who my visitor was, the conversation would have gone much differently. Eventually, we will have a conversation about this because if we didn’t the guilt would eat me alive.
“I miss you too.” I jumped as the front door closed. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow though. G’night.” Tim was standing at the door, his arms full. I ended the call and turned my attention to Tim. “Sorry.” I walked over to him, offering to help. He shook his head; his expression was pained.
“No, it’s alright.” Tim dropped his bag, crouching to pull open the zipper. He pulled out a long white box. “This is for Kenzie.”
“What is it?” I asked, removing the cover. I pulled out a slim silver chain, a tiny pink heart hanging delicately.
“I had it engraved.”
Love is everything.
I started to cry, words from my favorite song. “It’s beautiful.”
“I think so too.” His eyes gleamed. “The words are true.” His meaning was cryptic, unclear, but that wasn’t important. “You okay?” Tim stood in front of me, cautiously wrapping both of his arms around me. I laid my head on his shoulder.
“I’m fine.” The words lost in the fabric of his shirt.
“You sure?” I nodded. He allowed me to stay there, long enough to cry out the built-up emotions. I hesitated before shifting my position. I didn’t want to let him go, and even though I knew being this close wasn’t fair to the people we were with, at this moment I wanted to be selfish.
“Do you want to start?” I finally spoke. It was his turn to nod, crouching back down to grab a notebook and a few pens. We walked to the couch, each taking a corner, keeping a safe distance between us. “What do you have so far?” I reached for the notebook, which he handed over willingly. “I’m excited to see.”
“It’s not much.” I read through the notes, used to his sporadic scribbling.
“This is amazing,” I stated, in love with his ideas and random lines.
“It’s just little bits and pieces. I need your input.” He chuckled. “I can’t write without having some aspect of you involved. I guess I formed that habit, and I can’t break it.”
“Your newest songs are amazing.” I complimented. “I didn’t have a part in those.”
“You had a bigger part than you could ever know.” He corrected. The silence was comforting, allowing the time for his words to sink in.
“I want to know what it was like Al. I want to know all about your pregnancy and her birth. I need to be able to picture it. For the song.” He paused. “And for me.”
“Um, okay.” I sighed heavily. “I was shocked when I found out. I wasn’t expecting the test to be positive.”
“Where did you find out?” He interrupted. This question obviously had more to do with his curiosity than with the writing.
“In that hotel room,” I replied. “I took the test in the bathroom.” There was no point in altering the facts.
“Oh.”
“I really didn’t have any morning sickness. A little bit of nausea in the beginning, but overall, I lucked out. I heard Kenzie’s heartbeat around thirteen weeks and felt her move around sixteen weeks. I didn’t start to show until twenty-one weeks, so it was easy to hide.” I looked up at Tim, trying to gauge his expression. He was hanging on every word. “I found out she was a girl during the ultrasound, so around the same time, I started to show. It took them awhile to find the right angle. She liked keeping her legs closed.”
“Good girl.” Tim chimed in, nodding his head in approval.
“Things were pretty standard. Everything happened as it was supposed to, and then she arrived.”
“Who was with you when she was born?”
“It was just me,” I replied, not sure if that would relieve or upset him. “Other than the doctors and nurses, anyway.”
“You were by yourself?” Tim pinched his bottom lip with his thumb and forefinger.
“Ya. I was new here, so I didn’t have anyone I wanted in the room at the time.” I scrunched my nose, remembering how lonely I felt that day. “I was only in labor for seven hours and then our six-pound, ten-ounce Kenzie made her appearance.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not sure what else you want to know.”
“I guess I don’t know either.” He sighed, running a hand through his short h
air. “Did you ever think about calling me?”
“In the beginning, every day!” I dropped my head, in shame. “I fought the urge every single day. But then eventually so much time had passed that I was overwhelmed even thinking about it.”
“I wish you had of.” He scooted a little closer.
“I’m sorry.”
“No Al, I’m sorry.” He corrected. “I should’ve known. I should’ve noticed something was up.” His hand reached for mine, linking our fingers. “I let you down when you needed me the most.”
“You didn’t.” My words were firm. “I made a mistake. Not you.”
“Were you scared?”
“Some days.” The confessions continued. “Most of the time I just kept pushing through. It wasn’t easy to stay clean at first.”
“Oh Al.” He shifted even closer. “If we could go back, I would have looked harder. I would have searched everywhere.”
“You searched for me?” I questioned, surprised by his statement.
“In every city, we ever went to. I drove the guys crazy.” He laughed at himself. “I’ve gotten myself into trouble a few times, thinking other people were you.”
“Sorry.” My head hung again, disappointed in myself for everything I had put him through.
“It’s done and over with now.” He ended, pulling his hand away from mine. “The only option now is to move forward.”
“How are we going to do that?” Trying to balance Tim’s life with mine was going to be difficult. When he was on the road, there was no routine, no consistency. Both of those were crucial when raising a child, and that was without throwing partners into the mix.
“Well, I thought that I could fly in two or three nights a week for now. I should be able to work that around our tour schedule.” Typical Tim, he already had a plan. I made a mental note to Google his tour dates after he was gone. “Keep it quiet for now, at least until I figure out how to tell the guys and stuff.”
I knew instantly that “stuff” implied Bambi. I shuddered. Forgetting about Luke and Bambi was too easy when I was with Tim. “Ya, that should work.” I agreed. “I’m not ready to tell everyone about this either.”
“Your boyfriend?” He questioned, no subtleness in his approach.
“Ya. I don’t think Luke would quite understand this situation.”
“Is it okay that I’m here?”
“Yes. I told him that a friend was visiting.” My response was half hearted. “What about your girlfriend? Does she know?”
He laughed awkwardly. “No, Allison thinks I am looking at a beach house in Miami. So, we’ll keep this a secret for now then?” He confirmed. “I think it’s only fair to Kenzie that you and I have time to get used to this before involving other people.”
“Luke knows Kenzie.” I panicked. God, I hoped he didn’t think I hadn’t brought him around her. “I mean we’ve been together for a while, so he’s been around her.”
Tim closed his eyes hard. “I figured.” His jaw shifted, as he ground his teeth and reopened his eyes. “I just meant not to involve them with us.”
“I’m on board with that. I just wanted to make sure you knew.” I clarified. “You are welcome here as often as you like. As long as you give me a heads up.”
Tim shifted one more time until our knees were touching. “Always.” His mouth was inches from mine. “I hope you know I still miss you.” If I leaned forward just slightly our lips would be touching. I wanted to feel him pressed against me. My body was on fire, and I needed him to extinguish it. It took every ounce of self-control to stay still.
“I still miss you too. I always have.” The admission slipped from my tongue. If we were going to make confessions, I needed to get that one off my chest. He stayed close, the sexual tension was thick, and neither of us moved, breathing in each other’s air. My self-control was fading, fast. “Tim.” I plead, with no clear purpose.
“Umph.” He closed the gap, his lips barely grazing mine. The minuscule connection was sending electricity through my veins. Tim pulled away abruptly. “Song.” He turned away, returning to his end of the couch, choosing to sit forward instead of inwardly facing. We re-focused, extinguishing the fire that had been burning and got lost in his music. We worked until late in the night, before finally separating for the evening.
I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, sleeping straight through. His presence made me feel safe, and the high of waking up to him on my couch had been squashed by the fact that he would be leaving. He reassured me he would be back the Thursday of that week as we said our goodbyes. I gave him my spare key to the apartment in case he arrived before we did. He hugged and kissed Kenzie several times before leaving.
Chapter 10
Secrets
Tuesday evening was a challenge. Luke drove Kenzie and I home, with plans of staying overnight. I had expected that following Tim’s visit, I would be able to fall back into my routine and relationship with Luke. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I felt guilty and awkward, scared to say something that I shouldn’t, worried that Luke would find something in the apartment that belonged to Tim. I had grown accustomed to keeping secrets, but this was closer to being deceitful and that I didn’t have experience with.
Luke was cooking dinner, balancing his cooking skills with making faces at Kenzie when my cell phone rang. The second I saw the screen I quickly hit ignore.
“Who was that?” Luke asked as he stirred the wok filled with vegetables.
“It was Maggie.” I covered swiftly. “Do you mind if I call her back?” I scooped Kenzie up off the floor.
“Not at all.” He leaned down and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Just be quick. Supper is almost ready.”
I nodded and made my way to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. With Kenzie on my hip, I hit redial on the contact KD (Kenzie’s Dad) and waited for him to answer.
“Hey, Al.” He yelled, the background noise almost drowning him out. “Give me a sec to get off the stage.” I barely made out his words. The sounds faded as I heard a door shut and a lock click. “Sorry about that.”
“No problem,” I replied. “I wasn’t able to answer right away.” I sighed, shifting Kenzie to my other hip. She was getting heavier.
“Oh.” He let out a loud, winded breath. “Are you okay to talk?”
“Yes, I’m in my room now.” I kept my voice down, just in case it carried into the kitchen.
“Is Kenzie with you?”
“Yes,” I confirmed, smiling. “Do you want to talk to her?”
“I’ve been waiting all day.”
“Okay, I’ll put her on the phone.” I placed the phone to Kenzie’s ear. “She’s listening.” I couldn’t hear what Tim was saying to her, but her giggles made me wish I could.
“I’m sorry to cut it short.” I apologized wishing I could spend more time with Kenzie and Tim, even if we required an electronic device between us.
“It’s okay. I just needed to hear your voices.” I heard a knock in the background. “I have to go too.”
“Okay. Are we still on for Thursday?”
“I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I concluded the conversation with Tim and headed back to Luke for the remainder of the night. Tim was true to his word, calling again on Wednesday evening and he was waiting in my apartment for Kenzie when we got home on Thursday. We managed to maintain control on Thursday, focusing solely on Kenzie and working on the song. A five-foot rule of maintaining space between the two of us helped to keep the temperature down. Tim left the following morning with plans to return on Sunday, which would give us an entire day together with Kenzie.
On Saturday, Luke had planned a day trip into the city for us to visit the zoo with Kenzie. He had stayed over on Friday night so that we could get up early on Saturday morning to pack for the adventure. We worked together to pack his car with the stroller and diaper bag. Within minutes we were on the road.
“Mom and Dad invited us over tomorrow afternoon,” Luke info
rmed as he pulled onto the highway. “My sister and her boyfriend got engaged earlier this week, so they wanted to have everyone over to celebrate.” He rested his hand on my knee.
Oh no. How was I going to get out of that one? I couldn’t concoct stories on the spot. I searched my brain for anything that would work for tomorrow, anything at all. “Shoot. I am going out of town tomorrow.” Why was I going? He was going to ask.
“You are?” His eyebrows pulled together.
“Ah, ya.” Come on Ally, something, anything. “I’m going to visit a great aunt who is in the area.” Great Aunt?
“Oh, I didn’t know you had any family you kept in touch with.” He squeezed my knee. “We will have tons of time for family gatherings.”
“Thanks, she’s only in the area for a couple of days.” I reached out to place my hand on his, despite the fact I felt dirty from my lies. “Next time I will make sure we are there.” I shot him a forced smile.
“This will be so much easier once we live together.” He flipped his hand and linked our fingers, bringing my hand to his lips. I couldn’t even begin to delve into that conversation, so I stayed silent, making only basic conversation for the remainder of the drive.
Luke pushed Kenzie’s stroller, holding my hand as we spent hours walking around the zoo. Kenzie loved the monkeys and wild cats but hated the elephants and giraffes. She was exhausted by the time we loaded her back into the car and fell asleep ten minutes into the drive.
“Do you want to borrow my car tomorrow, so you don’t have to take the bus?” Luke offered, as we sped along the highway.
“Maggie is letting me borrow hers.” The lies flowed.
“What time are you leaving?”
“Early actually.” He gave me a perfect lead into the next thing I wanted to discuss. “Are you okay if I call it a night when we get home?” I couldn’t handle the thought of Luke waking up in the apartment on Sunday. It was just a little too close for comfort.
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