by Harms, C. A.
I sat through the entire dinner listening to stories about Alexis and Evan. I felt so out of place. Evan was slightly turned facing Alexis as he laughed at the stories they told. I felt as if he was being pulled away from me at every turn. I picked at my nails and drank wine. I lost track of the glasses I had and I was feeling slightly fuzzy.
Once dinner was cleared we excused ourselves and walked toward the ballroom. There was a piano playing and it was slightly hypnotizing. “May I have this dance?” Evan held his hand out and I placed mine into his. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead. “I’m so glad you’re here with me tonight,” he whispered against my temple.
“I’m sure that Alexis would’ve been more than happy to take my place,” I sounded like such a bitch.
Evan pushed back and looked down at me, “Hey, Alex and I have known each other for over twenty years. That’s it, we’re just familiar.” He pulled me close and ran his hand up and down my back, “I’m yours baby, and your mine.” I allowed my head to rest on his shoulder as I inhaled his scent. It was intoxicating. He made me feel like a princess. He held me close and his lips rested against the top of my head. I could have danced with him for hours.
After a few more songs I could no longer wait, I excused myself to use the restroom. Trying to maneuver in this dress and holding myself above the stool, proved to be difficult. I was just finishing when I heard the bathroom door open.
I heard a familiar voice, “What’s he doing with her? What could they possibly have in common? They are six years apart and she already has a child. She’s a waitress for god sakes, not to mention her weekend job.”
The last response was the one that hit me the hardest. “Oh Alex, please honey it’s a phase. He looks at her as a young, easy girl. He’s slumming sweetheart; he’ll get over it. It won’t last. I will not allow my son to be with a stripper. I’m just trying to be pleasant until it passes, and it’ll pass. Alex, you two are meant to be together and he’ll see that.” I held my hand over my mouth, as I listened to Alexis and Millicent shred me. I held back the tears until I heard the door latch behind them. I allowed myself to rest against the wall. After a few deep breaths I cleaned my face, and exited the restroom.
I found Evan next to the bar with his father. “Hey beautiful, there you are. Are you okay?” He brushed his fingers across my cheek.
“I’m not feeling well; I’ve already called a cab. I just wanted you to know I was leaving.” I turned to his father, “It was really nice to meet you. Have a great evening Sir.” I turned and walked toward the door.
Evan was right behind me and reached out taking my elbow into his hand. “Kylie, what happened? Please, talk to me.”
This wasn’t the time, “I’m just tired. I need to get home to Emma. Stay and enjoy the rest of the night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He refused to let it go. “I can get the car and we can leave together.”
The tears were pooling in my eyes and I was hurting. Why did he tell them I was a stripper? I felt so dirty and I lashed out, “What. Evan, you can’t end the night yet? Let me guess, you were hoping to get laid by the easy stripper. Well, I’m going home alone.” My lower lip vibrated as I fought my tears, “Find someone else to slum it with.” I walked out the doors and slid into the awaiting cab. After telling the driver my address I let my head fall back and the tears take over.
My phone rang over and over on my way home, but I didn’t want to talk. I put on a happy face for Sarah before entering the apartment. I didn’t feel like sitting up having a heart to heart about my self-esteem. I told her the good things and claimed to be exhausted. After I saw her out I shut off all the lights and slid into bed to cry myself to sleep. I woke up to a text from Evan.
Baby I know something happened tonight. I’m flipping out here and we need to talk.
Why was life so complicated?
~Twenty Two~
(Kylie)
I loaded Emma into her carseat and quickly drove toward the daycare. I was running late and needed to get to the Café. I barely slept last night and then when I finally did, ended up sleeping through my alarm. Evan tried calling me again this morning, as I was leaving but I ignored the call. I still wasn’t ready to talk to him. I was really hurt that he felt it was necessary to tell them I stripped. Arriving at work late to Alexis waiting in one of my booths, only made my stomach flip even worse.
“What can I get you?”
She looked up at me with a smirk. “Coffee would be great.” I smiled in return and excused myself to get her drink. I poured her coffee and fought the urge to spit in it. I returned to her table placing her steaming mug in front of her. I started to turn away when she spoke catching my attention. “You know that you two are all wrong for each other, don’t you? I mean, he comes from money and you, well you’re a stripper. It could never work.”
I tried to control my anger. I was at work and she was out of line, “Alexis, I’m not sure why you dislike me so much, but it really isn’t your business. I know you want to be with him, but obviously the feelings aren’t mutual.”
She laughed, “Oh is that what he told you. Well little girl, let me enlighten you. That day that you came to the office to talk to him, we just came from a meeting. After he left you standing in the lobby he came upstairs to me.” She paused tracing her finger around the rim of her cup smiling. She looked back up to me before continuing. “If we’re just friends, then why did he fuck me on my desk? Then again that night in my bed, not to mention the hot sex we had repeatedly engaged in over the next three weeks after that. I left for a business trip and when I returned you somehow lured him back.”
My legs felt weak, and my heart ached. I couldn’t believe what she said. He told me they were friends, only friends. I had nothing to say. I felt sick. “Excuse me.” I made my way to the back and I leaned against the wall, taking a few moments to calm down. Once I was able to move my legs I walked toward the kitchen to find my boss. “Mack, I need a break. I’m not feeling well. Can someone cover my tables for me?”
He squeezed my arm, “Sure honey, why don’t you take a sick day. You look really pale, go home and get some rest.” I couldn’t argue with that, I was in no condition to work. I was fighting the tears and felt at any moment I was going to vomit. I grabbed my things and practically ran to my car. I let my head rest onto my steering wheel. I cried until my phone startled me. I knew I needed to get this out of the way so I could move on. I placed the phone to my ear, “Hello.”
“Finally, I have been trying to call you since you left last night. We need to talk Kylie. I have to go out of town this afternoon for a few days and I need to see you before I leave.”
I let the tears fall. “Meet me at the park in ten minutes.” I didn’t wait for a response from him. I hung up the phone and started my car.
Pulling into the parking space, I looked at the familiar SUV sitting next to me. When Evan climbed out, my stomach tightened. He was absolutely beautiful. He looked tense reaching for my passenger handle. Once he opened the door, he slowly climbed in. I didn’t turn to face him. I could hear him breathing, “Baby, what’s going on?”
I turned off my car and let my hands relax in my lap. “Is Alexis going on this trip with you?”
He released a frustrated breath, “Damn it Kylie, Alex and I are friends and colleagues. We travel together often and yes she will be accompanying me today.”
I turned to face him as the tears ran down my cheeks. “I just had a nice conversation with ‘Alex’. She told me all about the so called ‘Friend’s only’ relationship. Do you fuck your entire list of friend’s or just her?”
Evan reached for my hand, “That was a mistake. I knew it when it happened. I led her on and that was wrong of me. I was messed up about us, but in my defense, Kylie we weren’t together.”
I laughed lightly, “I heard her and your mother talking last night in the restroom. They both seem to think you just need to fuck me out of your system. The easy, dumb stripper will event
ually get boring.”
He ran his hands over my arm in a soothing manner. “I’m sure they didn’t say that. My mother liked you and Alex, she’s just—“
I spun around and pulled my arm from him, “Excuse me, so I’m lying. I heard it myself Evan. Your mother doesn’t like me. She said she would not allow her son to be with a stripper. Your precious little Alex came to my place of work today. She came to make sure I knew you two were more than friends.” The tears now began to pour, “They don’t even know me Evan. That rich little bitch has no idea why I strip. She has no idea why I had to start doing that. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. Do they think I actually dreamed of being a stripper when I was little? I lost everything. I had my entire life ripped from me in the blink of an eye and I couldn’t lose Emma too. I don’t have the luxury of rich parents to take care of me. I was stupid and got pregnant when I was young. I got married young and yes it all back fired in my face.” I took a deep breath, “I refuse to sit back and have your mother or your tight assed ‘Friend’ portrays me as a dirty whore. I don’t need their help with that. If it wasn’t for Emma, I’m not sure how I could live with myself every day.”
I took a deep steadying breath, “The fact that you’re sitting here, defending Alex, just helps me with the decision I need to make.” I looked up at him and he looked pained. “Evan, I can’t see you anymore. I don’t belong in your world. I’m sorry, but I never should have allowed it to go any farther than just friends. Now, I’m afraid that we can’t even be friends.” I said nothing more I just looked out of the front window waiting for him to get out.
“You’re wrong Kylie; I’ve felt more with you, than I have felt with anyone. I don’t care about your past. I’ve grown so attached to both you and Emma. I don’t want to walk away from either of you. Screw my mother, screw Alex, they don’t know you like I do. We’re happy together, don’t end that. Please.” I couldn’t speak, my throat felt tight. I couldn’t look at him. I hadn’t even noticed my passenger door open. I jumped when he shut the door. Evan climbed into his SUV and slowly backed out and drove away. I sobbed uncontrollable tears. I felt like I was falling apart without a way to stop it.
~Twenty Three~
(Kylie)
It had been two days since I ended things with Evan. It still wasn’t any easier. I missed him and I was so emotional. I felt lonely and depressed. I was dreading today because it was Friday.
I took Emma for a walk to try to relax my mind. I was just walking back up my driveway when a full size Blue Dodge truck pulled in. I turned in time to see Brad climb out. “Hey there girls, what’cha think of my new truck?” I blinked in confusion. New truck, what the hell! I was about to let him have it when he reached into his back pocket and handed me an envelope. “This is for you.”
I took it from him and opened it. “Brad there’s like eight hundred dollars in here.”
He smiled, “Actually there’s eight hundred and seventy, but close enough. Emma’s my responsibility too Kylie. You shouldn’t be forced to do things you don’t want to, because you have to take care of her. Don’t strip anymore, you don’t have to. I got a good job with an old friend and I’ll give you money every week. Go back to school and get your GED. Let me help you…Please, I owe you this. I screwed up your life. Let me help you fix it.”
The emotions ran threw me. Everything was still so raw from Evan and I couldn’t hold the tears back. They poured from me heavily. “Brad you can’t keep popping in and out of our lives. If you’re going to be around for Emma it can’t be just when you feel like it. She’s going to get confused.”
Brad placed his arms around me and pulled me close. “I know. I’m sorry. I just needed time to get things squared away.”
He held me tight as I cried onto his shoulder. Could I trust him? After everything we went through, could I chance it? Brad helped me get Emma in and I went to take a shower. He stayed and he read her a book on the couch. When I came out of the shower I stood in the doorway watching them together. He pretended to eat her fingers as she held them to his mouth. The giggles coming from her made me smile. He spotted me watching them and grinned at me, followed by a wink. I called the club and told Rex I was sick. I just felt I needed a break. I couldn’t stop crying long enough to breath, how could I dance?
I fell asleep on the couch while we watched cartoons with Emma. It felt slightly awkward having him here. I couldn’t deny him spending time with Emma and company was nice, after the last few days of misery. He ordered pizza for us and after we ate, he helped me get our daughter to bed. I went back to the kitchen to clean up, leaving him to finish. I heard him enter behind me as I loaded the dishwasher. When I turned to face him I noticed his eyes were red. He tried to turn toward the living room but I placed my hand on his arm. “Brad, what is it?” That’s when I saw the glassy appearance of his eyes.
He sniffed, “Just realizing how bad I fucked up Ky. I turned your life upside down and left you in hell, so I could get high. What kind of man does that? I missed over a year of my daughter’s life that I can never get back.” I watched as tears ran down his cheeks. My throat burned and my chest tightened. Brad wasn’t the crying type, he never had been.
Before I realized what I was doing I wrapped my arms around him and held him. He cried into my shoulder, heavy sobs. I felt his face turn into me with his lips resting near my ear. “Can you answer one question?” I nodded my head. “Tell me how I stop loving you. I’ve tried Kylie. I’ve tried to forget what it was like when we were happy. I’ve tried so hard to push you out of my mind, but I can’t.” He lifted his head, “I can’t stop loving you.”
Brad was looking into my eyes and I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. It broke my heart to see him like this. I don’t know if it was because I was emotional or the fact that I missed Evan so badly, but I let Brad kiss me. I was an emotional wreck, spiraling into a deep black emptiness. I let him back me up into the cabinets and kiss me. He lifted me up onto the counter as he stood between my thighs continuing our kiss. He was familiar and I couldn’t stop it. I felt his hands run around my waist and start to lift my shirt up. “I love you so much babe. I never once stopped. I’ve always loved you Kylie and I always will.” I listened to his words and relaxed into his kiss. He lifted my shirt and dropped it to the ground, “So sexy, Ky.” Brad whispered before our lips connected again.
I couldn’t do this, I was so confused. I was a wreck, and I couldn’t lead him on when I had no idea what I wanted. It wasn’t fair to him or to me. “Brad, I can’t do this. I’m sorry but I can’t.” He rested his forehead against mine.
After a deep breath he whispered, “I understand Ky, really I do.” He reached down and picked up my shirt from the floor, helping me back into it carefully. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. “I think I’m going to head home.” I nodded in response and slid from the counter as he held my hips. I walked to the door behind him and we said our goodbyes. He planned to take Emma to the park tomorrow once he got off work. He asked me to join them but I thought giving them some alone time would be better.
I went to bed wondering what in the hell I was going to do. I couldn’t get Evan out of my head, but we lived two completely different lives. It would never work. Then I had Brad, who claimed to still be in love with me and appeared to be trying so hard to better his life. I felt once again like the room was closing in on me. I needed to clear my head because it was all too much.
I hadn’t heard from Evan since he drove away that day in the park. I wasn’t sure how long he planned on being out of town. Maybe he ran back to Alexis; I was sure she was comforting him. The thought made me shiver with disgust. I found myself wondering if I made a mistake by pushing him away. I missed the way I felt when we were together. I missed the security I had when he was near. I twisted my phone around over and over in my hand. It was almost midnight and I wasn’t even sure where he was. I slowly dialed his number and hovered over ‘Send’. After a few short breaths I pressed it. With each ring I felt m
y heart race. I fought the urge to hang up. Was this a mistake?
“Hello,” I held my breath, “Hello…is anyone there.” I hung up. I had to have dialed the wrong number. I looked at my phone and my heart ached. It was the right number, just the wrong person. I shoved him right into the arms of Alexis. The worst part about it was I know she knew it was me. I was sure she was feeling victorious right about now. I felt my chest tighten and my eyes began to sting. The visions of Evan and Alexis together were rushing through my mind. I hated that she was with him. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to scream. I shouldn’t have stopped Brad. I should have gone through with sleeping with him. Who the hell was I kidding, that would have been a disaster. I couldn’t fully trust Brad. I knew he was trying but put my entire life into his hands; hands that sent me down a dangerous path once before. I can’t allow that to happen again. I couldn’t put Emma through all of that again. I would do it on my own. I didn’t need Brad and I sure as hell didn’t need Evan. It hadn’t even been three days and he was already in bed with his precious Alex. I guess I was right to question him regarding her.
Brad was honest with his plans to spend time with Emma. He picked her up first thing Saturday morning and carefully loaded her into her carseat I had placed in his truck. I packed her a snack bag and they drove off. I moped around getting things done, busying myself with housework and laundry. I felt torn with all the feelings running through me. Part of me wanted to just forgive Brad and not go through with the finalization of our divorce and try to go to counseling to see if we had anything worth saving.