by Bri Stone
“Uh yeah, actually. How do you know that?”
“I work with a bunch of twenty somethings now, remember?”
Stan had taken a job a few years ago with Stanford, since I was out of the area he didn’t have to stay in San Fran; not that he did before. But he was the new residency director there and seems to be enjoying it as far as I can tell. He keeps a lot from me because most of our conversations revolve around my treatment and how I am doing.
“Yeah, right. She might run from me, but I’ll try.”
“Good, and just let me know if you need anything.” He yawns. “I have to get going.”
“Okay. Talk to you later.” I hang up the phone.
Once I eat my cold dinner I head to bed, knowing I have to be up early for a heart transplant. It’s for a patient I’ve had for years, a sweet woman with a big family that is around for every scan and status update. She was diagnosed with heart cancer years ago, and the oncologist Dean and I have been working on the case for about a year now, she finally got up on the list. It is still odd to be working with the same person who is treating me.
I picture every step of the surgery in my head until I fall asleep and dream of the life I once had with Perrier.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Thom
Successful surgeries still seem surreal for a little while after. I still do double checks even when I don’t need to. It wasn’t that I doubted my experience, just that I learned at a young age that happy endings don’t always happen.
I avoided Stan’s advice for as long as I could, past lunch and a comical conversation with Maci and Staci, but I didn’t really laugh. I was too keyed up about Perrie. After all these years, what would be appropriate to tell her? To even try and talk to her was... I wasn’t this nervous when I first saw her nearly ten years ago.
Following the signs down to the basement and over to pathology. I realize I have never seen Perrie in her element, besides the day in the café. But this was real, I see her name on the door and I feel proud of her, even though I know I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve those kinds of feelings anymore.
I don’t see her in the office, so I find the morgue directly which is just down the hall from the offices. I hear a bone saw before I round the corner and see Perrie separating a rib canal in full lab dress. The only thing I can see under the scrub gown and her face mask is the deep ridge between her brows that always gets there when she’s concentrating.
I just stand there and watch her like some sort of creep. I hear her voice, talking through for the recording. She documents everything with such immaculate detail, leaves nothing up for question. It almost feels like art to watch, in a very odd way that I in no way mean to disrespect the dead. But instead respect how Perrie seems to treat them. It isn’t until she moves to the sink closer to the door that she sees me. I can’t tell what expression she is making, only that her eyes narrow as I wave at her awkwardly. I think she is walking away from me when she disappears to the left, but then she reappears after a click in the sound system.
“You can’t come in here.” She says over the intercom.
Slightly defeated, I start, “I just want to talk, Perrie, about—”
She rolls her eyes and interrupts me, “no, you literally can’t come in here. It’s sterile. Just like an OR.” Her voice sounds so withdrawn, and it worries me thinking that she may not have any emotions left to spare me at all.
“Oh.”
I stare back at her, she returns it. There isn’t an awkward feeling because of the past relationship we have, but it is odd. She blinks twice before inhaling sharply.
“I just have to close.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Just wait in my office.” She points in the direction I came from. I hold her gaze for a short moment before I turn to wait for her, in her office.
I step into the wide office, that is sparsely decorated besides a picture of her and Clem, and another of her and Melinda. I’m glad they’re still friends, and I can only imagine what Melinda would do if she ever saw me again. Clem too... it was weird to miss a family that wasn’t even mine, but I did. I step around her desk and see another picture of her and her parents, and I realize it’s the first time I’ve seen her mother. She was beautiful, with brown hair and the same soft face and slight features as Perrie. They were all smiling, and Perrie must have been in her early teens in the picture; hell, if I had met her then I would have always been wheezing.
I turn and see her wall of accolades; honor graduate in undergraduate, then medical school, her residency program, her world class certification and her double seal for being double board certified. It takes up an entire quarter wall. I walk back around the desk to where her couch is, and that’s when she walks inside. The look she gives me sends real chills up my spine.
“Hi.” I smile with my lips closed, and her face screws up even more.
She shuts the door behind her and brushes past me. I catch a whiff of her scent, mixed with formaldehyde and sterilization. It is a scent I have gotten used to, just not on her.
“What do you want?” She stands in the center of the room, three paces from me with her arms crossed and face in a grimace.
“Uhm...” I pause. When I really meet her gaze, I can see what’s in them and it nearly makes me collapse onto the couch; there was hope in them.
Hope.
“I just want to apologize.” I stare back.
“Apologize? For what?” Her brow raises with the pitch of her voice.
“For... everything.” I press the inside of my cheek with my tongue and look down at my scrubs like the turquoise color will change.
“Everything?” She purses her lips. “Does that start with you acting like you didn’t know me the other day in the cafeteria or maybe even farther back when you told me you cheated on me the day after my birthday?” Her laugh is cold and sharp as glass. “Or no, maybe even before that when you actually cheated on me?” She shakes her head like... well, she is disappointed.
“Perrie...” I don’t know where I expect to go with it, but she stops me before I can do anymore damage.
“Thom... I don’t think you know what—I can’t do this right now.” Her hands go up and she shuffles over behind her desk, with her back facing me she leans on the desk and hides her face in her hands.
It’s hard to hear her sobs, and it’s hard to see her literally break. I am witnessing a dam opening up after so many years of being closed, and I’m the damned earthquake that came and cracked her foundation. I want to reach out to her, to hold her. To do something other than stand here and watch...
I left before I saw this last time. I can’t imagine how much worse it could have been. She called me, over and over for days until I shut my phone off out of shame and embarrassment. After a few months, she stopped calling. I crushed her heart in one blow, and it took longer for her spirit to follow suit.
“Perrie, I’m so sorry I did this to you.” I rasp.
There is a hitch in her sobs before she wipes her face and turns to get a tissue from her desk. She wipes her face then bunches up the napkin slowly, staring at it folded up in her hands, trying to find her words.
“You could have told me... you could have warned me.” She glances at me and sees the question in my eyes. Her teeth tug at her lip before she looks back at me.
“You told me you didn’t love me anymore.” Her whisper might as well have been a scream.
I want to tell her right now, that it was all a lie. That... then I would have to tell her about the cancer. That wouldn’t be fair, either. None of this is fair.
“I just don’t even know when you fell out of love with me. Or what I did... you told me you wanted to marry me and put a ring on my finger and then—and then you tell me you don’t love me anymore...I don’t know what I did.” She adds almost to herself.
“You didn’t do anything Perrie, nothing.” At least that much is true. It doesn’t make me feel any better, but at least.
“How am I supposed to beli
eve that? How...” she softly growls in frustration.
“I don’t expect you to believe me, but it’s true.” I want to reach out to her, but I don’t want to set her off. Her frame is sinking right in front of me, and I can’t do anything to keep her up.
She moves around me and sits on the edge of the couch. Then she takes her hair out of her bun and scratches her scalp. I watch her, reminding myself that she really is in front of me once again. Something I thought I would never see, the most beautiful woman I have ever met is here, and I can’t tell her how much I love her. The confusion wouldn’t be right of me to dump on her.
“Who was it?” Perrie breaks the silence. Her voice is a bit steadier.
“What?”
“Who was it that you cheated with?”
I get that deer frozen in headlights look, as I wonder what would hurt less. But nothing could hurt less, not with something like this. The lie continues... “just some girl...”
“Who?”
“Are you sure you want to know this?” I look for a failsafe. She frowns at me, with a look like ‘you owe me something.’
“I didn’t really know her.”
“Did you have feelings for her?” She asks, firm.
“No. It wasn’t like that.”
“So why... what was it that made you want to do that? Was it before or after you decided you didn’t want me anymore?”
My eyes close as I inhale deeply, letting it sink in that I made her feel unwanted. The worst thing I think any man could do to a woman was make her feel or believe she’s unwanted. But I can’t tell her she is wrong. I can’t put more hope in her eyes.
“It was after. I just... wasn’t thinking. There wasn’t much put into it.” I lie. Now I know, at thirty-one years old, that I’m a good liar.
“It’s just... you were the one man I never believed had a malicious bone in his body. Because that’s what that is, to cheat on someone—it was malicious what you did. But I guess everyone can be misread.” She absently traces her left ring finger and it looks like something she had taken up doing a long time ago.
The void I gave her, the absence I forced her in... it’s everywhere on her and even in her office.
“I didn’t intend it that way...”
“If it happened after, why couldn’t you have just told me? Why did you have to wait until you flew into town for my birthday, gave me a ring—” her breath hitches; “was it because of Paris? You didn’t plan on breaking up with me or even telling me until I told you I was leaving the country, is that it?” Her tone goes to accusation.
“No, no that wasn’t it at all.” I squat in front of her. “Look, Perrie. It wasn’t like that at all. It was all me, being an asshole. Being hurtful. And I am sorry that I did that to you. I can’t honestly tell you that I would have reached out to you if you didn’t work here, but you’re here now and I’m... giving you closure.”
Her eyes shoot to mine and I see the gloss behind the gray die away, and I know I’ve done it. Her bottom lip trembles as she understands. “There’s nothing left.”
I can’t confirm it. And I can’t deny it. I can’t do anything. The tears falling from her eyes are for her, for her pain... if she knew about my cancer she would be crying for me. She would be in pain because of me.
Her sobs don’t rise again, and her tears don’t fall any faster. I witnessed her realize there was nothing left to cry for—that I had convinced her there was nothing even though there was more. That somehow, somewhere along the way, my lies convinced her she didn’t know who I was anymore. There would always be more because there is only her.
But our friendship did come first, and it’s natural for me to reach out and take her hands as I sink down onto my knees. She becomes eye level with me and I feel her before she closes in to press her lips over mine. It’s just that before her lips close over my top lip and I get the slightest bit of blissful pressure before she pulls away. She is still close enough to breathe in for just a moment before she stops.
“Then why is there still something.” She doesn’t pose it as a question.
I shake my head and pull away from her, standing up so I can let go of her hands without just taking them back. She looks up at me and gives a sort of sad smile.
“I forgave you a long time ago, for cheating. I don’t have any...” she laughs once sadly. “I still love you, and I’d take you back if you even still wanted me. But we were friends first, I don’t know if we can ever get back to that. But I’d like to.” She wipes an invisible tear, and her gaze catches mine in the exact same way it used to.
“Me too.”
She nods once before focusing on the plain floor. I take it as my cue, that she’s given enough for the moment. As I lean down and kiss her forehead before I leave, it feels like I have been there for hours. It was the conversation I never truly wanted to have, but knew I had to once I saw her.
I could see how much she needed it, and it was worse to think of how she was when it first happened. Perrie is strong, and she’s determined. Not much can derail her, but I took away her choice in the relationship and it was something that weighed her down from years ago. The fact is none of that matters, it’s in the past and we’re here now. In the same hospital as working doctors instead of med students. The variables changed but one thing is still the same.
There is still something there.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Perrie
Testifying in court was just like reciting my tapes in autopsy. Except each time I had to go deeper and deeper, explain things to people who haven’t seen a science class in decades can understand. It reminds me of simpler times, and I leave the stand feeling confident. More or less.
“Dr. Simmons.”
District attorney Dean Walsh corners me on my way out of the city hall. There are reporters to my right, and a little press conference going on with the NYPD on the left.
“Hello.” I smile at him. Dean is a dapper man, mid-forties with dark hair and beady eyes, but somehow still good looking in a way. I notice, but it doesn’t do anything to me, and it isn’t because I stand three inches taller than him.
“Good job today. We can really nail these guys with the evidence. The DNA you got from the wife’s finger nails is just another nail in the coffin.” He shuffles his brief case and looks right in my eyes—well, tries to.
“Thank you, I just do my job.” I smile as much as I can. It was only three weeks since I had spoken to Thom in my office.
I didn’t know how I felt yet. But I was still dreaming about him.
“Yes well, let’s hope this indictment holds. I don’t know how much more loop holes I can find.” He nods and takes his leave.
I head out the side and take a cab back to the hospital. I’m back by three and have two case files on my desk, so much for leaving on time.
IT SEEMS I WAS ALWAYS late on Wednesdays. Maybe because I am so tired from the days before, or Tuesday was one of the only nights Thom was home early enough for...
“Perrie, come on!” Thom yells from the kitchen.
I groan and decide to lace up my shoes in the car. I meet his grimace in the kitchen as he shoves me a canned coffee; he hates being late. Our alarms go off at the same time, but we both end up snoozing them and then fighting each other in the bathroom.
“I have to go to the auditorium.” I tell Thom, and he gives me a side eye before he turns around to take me, instead of just stopping at the atrium. It’s an extra two minutes, but I wasn’t prepared to run to the building.
“Sorry.” I add. Making sure everything is in my bag, I’m a shuffling mess as he pulls up to the entrance and puts his car in park.
“It’s okay, hey.” He gets me to look at him. then he winks, and I smile past my tiredness and lean in to kiss him.
It isn’t until I pull away and have one foot out the door that my head spins.
“See you later, I love you.” He says, and I become interested in the way my converse covered foot reflects in the little puddle on the
curb.
When I turn to give him an incredulous look he only laughs and shakes his head, glancing out the front window before turning back to me. “I had to catch you off guard.”
My shocked look turns to a smile and I feel that missing piece. I see his smile, the kind that can make flowers grow, and everything shifts. I become aware of how the world spins and the sun rises... because everything makes sense now.
“I love you too.” I giggle. “See you later.” I jump out and shut the door. He shoots me a quick ‘shakaa’ as he drives off.
I skip up to the building, wide smiles for everyone when I walk in late.
“Nice of you to show up.” The instructor comments.
I simply shrug and take my seat. Because I’m late to class and I don’t even care. Secondary sciences are the least of my worries even though I have an exam on Friday. I have been in love with Thom since I first met him, and he loves me too.
There really is something there.
It’s seeing Thom’s jeep pull around the parking lot that takes me back. I walk slowly, clutching my bag to my shoulder as I see him roll the window down and look out at me. I stop at arm’s length from the car.
“Hey.” He says.
I swallow. “Hey.” His engine revs over my palpitating heart.
“Do you... need a ride to your car?” He combs back his hair with his fingers. It didn’t grow out much, but it thinned away. Still, his leather jacket makes him look... I wish I didn’t think of him this way. Still.
“I don’t have a car. I usually catch a cab.” I twist my lips. He looks me over like I’m something special in my black skirt and black sweater. Court days were my only chance to wear normal clothes.
He meets my eyes again, “I can give you a ride.”
I blink at how bad of an idea that is, but also how he doesn’t even seem sure he wants to. Something tells me that everything isn’t as it’s seeming, that he is hiding something. But my broken heart doesn’t let me believe it.
“I don’t know. It’s not that far.”