by Bri Stone
The small, slight smile he gives me reminds me of the first day of class when he asked me to dinner.
“Perrie, just take the ride.” He shrugs like it’s simple.
It is, but right now it doesn’t seem like it.
I sigh and get inside. “Only because I missed the Jeep.” I murmur to myself, and he doesn’t hear me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Perrie
I tell him exactly where I live, and he knows the way, but the city is pretty easy to get around once you understand the grid. I keep fidgeting in my seat and he takes notice, he awkwardly meets my eyes at a stop light and I look out the window immediately.
The struggle between us is still beyond me. And the one within myself, too. Thom has said his peace, told me everything, but I still hope it isn’t true... wish it wasn’t true. If there was anything I learned in life was that I couldn’t go back and change things.
“Is here okay?” Thom pulls up to my building on Riverside Drive. I got a good deal for the place, but it’s placement makes it expensive.
“Yeah.”
He puts the Jeep in park and I slowly take my purse, contemplating my next statement. “Do you want to come up?” I ask him. Mostly to test him, and a little bit to torture myself it seems. When I look at him, I can’t read the expression in his face.
“Sure.” He clicks off the engine and we get out.
I lead him up to my unit on the third floor and he stays silent.
“You’re dressed nice.” He says. Even his voice sounds different. More tired, raspy; like something is stuck down his throat and he can’t get it out.
“I had court today.” We step inside and I close the door behind him.
The place is nice, but I still don’t have furniture in the main room or breakfast nook. I am sure he notices, but he doesn’t say anything.
I set my purse down and he faces me, a look in his eye I don’t care to try and place. “I can make you some tea.” I move away from him. I turn my kettle on and he moves around the kitchen island to the main area. As I prepare the tea, he stares out the window like the answers to whatever is going on is there.
“Did you just move in?” He asks me as I hand him a cup. All I took with me when I moved were my dinner ware and such. The apartment I had was furnished by the building.
“No, just haven’t had time to buy furniture.” I sip the green tea and move into my bedroom down the hall.
“You can shop online.” He calls after me.
I quickly change into jeans and a blue tee shirt before I return, startled to find him in the hallway just outside my door. “Not for furniture.”
He smirks. “Yeah, you can. I can help you.” He peers into my bedroom. Lucky for me, it isn’t as messy as usual. I’m forgetting I lived with him for three years, and he knows everything about my living habits.
“We can order takeout.” He adds. I hesitate, but I was the one to invite him in the first place. I don’t know what I expected, maybe that we could actually try and be friends. Or that I would get more out of him.
Now, it didn’t matter because I was hungry.
“Okay. I have a Thai menu in the kitchen.”
He nods and heads back that way.
I go back in my bedroom and use the bathroom, wash my face and stare back at myself in the mirror. Thom being in my apartment and ordering dinner is so familiar, yet so much is different. I look the same, he looks the same... but I don’t feel the same. I want to yell at him and hold him and hate him, but I am still so in love with him and all it does is hurt.
I comb out my short hair, that I need to trim but since I’ve seen Thom, I couldn’t bring myself to. I had cheekbones in college that went away during residency when I got a little bigger, as did the dimple under my eye. But now they’re back, and my cheeks are sunken in from exhaustion and a lack poor diet. I lift up my shirt and the only thing that didn’t change was the tattoo I got. His footsteps pull me out of my reverie and I leave the bathroom to find him in the doorway of my bedroom.
“I expected blue.” He looks around at my black bedding and white curtains.
My floor rug is a dark gray color, and my bed set is wrought iron, matching my brown dresser. It isn’t much.
“I stopped using blue a long time ago.” I dig. I sit on the bed and he kicks off his shoes to sit next to me.
“Since when?”
I shift back onto the center and hug my knees to my chest. “Since you broke up with me and everything I had before reminded me of you.” I don’t hold back, and he stares back aghast.
What surprises me is he doesn’t look sorry or hurt. Just that regretful fog I’ve seen all over him since this all started. He shrugs off his jacket and asks me where my lap top is. Just like that, he moves on. His avoidance skills are uncanny, and I don’t remember him being like this at all.
Did I even know him at all?
“A lot of people just buy rooms off Ikea.” He does some typing and shows me the screen.
“Rooms?” I scroll through.
If this is all the interaction I can get with him, I can take it for the time being.
The past few weeks have shown me that I simply crave him. His proximity, his presence... whatever he wants to give me. I don’t know what it says about me, but I don’t care anymore that he cheated. It hurts, and it sucks, but I don’t care much for it. I just care about the long term, and what he really wants.
“Yeah. You can pick something from there.” He scoots a bit closer. I inhale his scent that hasn’t changed. The strong cologne, his fresh linen and rugged cinnamon scent. The only thing missing is that little mint undertone.
“Okay.” I look at the rooms. I find different patterns, color schemes... none of it sings to me.
I lean towards the blue and gray sofa and décor set, “I like this one.”
“You should get it.” He looks over the screen, and I look at him. The strong line of his nose leading down to his jaw, the perfection of his face is still perfect. Even the fan of his eyelashes over his cheeks. Why must he be perfect? A creation of handsome, soft features that I just want to touch.
But he has drawn invisible lines that I am afraid to cross. Friends... how am I supposed to manage that?
Thom feels me looking at him and raises his eyes. For a moment, I just look through the pools of gray and try to find the truth, or the courage to ask for it. Something just isn’t sitting right with me, and when his eyes drift down to my lips that familiar flutter takes a victory lap back into my core, but he doesn’t make a move. Instead, the door knocks with our food.
“Get this one. I’ll be back.” He hops off the bed like nothing.
My chest presses with the hurt of his dismissal. But because I need furniture, I order the whole set. Shipping is fast, and I don’t mind having to assemble it later. I check my email, seeing a few things from Mark that I can put off until tomorrow. Thom gets back, and I set my laptop on the side table.
“I got your favorite. Well, I hope it’s still your favorite.”
I sit with him on the floor and we go through the two bags. I make a plate of veggies and curry rice while he gets water bottles from the fridge. We eat in silence until I try the whole ‘friends’ thing. It should be just like M1, but it isn’t.
“How is work?” I ask him.
“Good. I don’t keep many cases open at the moment.”
“Why?”
“Right now, I’m just looking to focus on the patients I do have.” He sounds so rehearsed, it’s hard to believe him. “What about you?” He asks me.
“It’s going well. Since I’ve been here, I have this case that’s become a police investigation. It’s why I was in court. It takes a lot of my time.” I answer. I pictured us talking about our careers in such a different light. I look down at my empty plate and set it aside.
I wonder if Thom feels the disconnect too. It’s like we’re old friends who don’t want to be around each other but do it anyway for the sake of familiarity.
�
�I guess we’ve both come a long way.” Thom mutters.
I sigh. “Yeah.” I fiddle with the napkin.
Thom sets the plates aside and drinks down his water. Things run through my head that I want to ask him, but I don’t.
“How is your family?” He asks me. I should punish him by saying it isn’t any of his business anymore, but it just isn’t in me to do that.
“They’re good. My dad still hates Declan. And Clem is retiring.”
“Really?” He laughs.
“Yeah,” I crack a smile, “and she wants to try and have a baby with Declan. She’s worried she might be too old.”
“I don’t think so.”
I agree. “And how’s Stan?”
“He’s uh, same as ever.”
Thom looks back at me. I scoot closer to him, gingerly touching the back of his hand. Stan must not have told him, I don’t see it in his eyes.
“I hate small talk with you. It’s stupid.” I say. He blinks and gives the slightest nod. “Why won’t you agree to that? Why... I want to believe that you don’t love me anymore because it sure would make my life easier, but I just can’t. I don’t know why.”
“Perrier, it isn’t that simple.”
I roll my eyes and scoff. “God, Thom. This isn’t like you. I don’t understand it. I know you said you don’t love me anymore... but I just don’t understand when that happened or why. The last night we were together, when you put a ring on my finger intending to spend the rest of your life with me... the way you fucked me—the way you made love to me... you still loved me then and you still love me now.” I swallow back the threat of tears, but they still sting my eyes.
He looks me dead in the eye. “I understand that’s how you feel, but it isn’t how I feel anymore. I just want to be friends. We grew apart, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He shrugs. He just shrugs and looks at me like it doesn’t mean anything.
My brows pull together as I frown and tears pool from my eyes. He looks away like he can’t bear to see me cry. But this time I can’t let him just look away. This time I have to be selfish and take what I need.
He doesn’t stop me from crawling into his lap and he doesn’t stop me from kissing him. His lips are slack against mine until whatever is inside of him that still wants me takes over and he kisses me back. The heat of his hands burns through my jeans as he holds me close to him, his lips part and suck my bottom lip to deepen the kiss. I clutch his shoulders as I implode, kissing him back, begging for more with my lips.
Thom’s hands move to my waist, gripping me closer to him. I cup his face, running my fingers through his beard as I pull away. He breathes heavily against me, catching his breath as I press my forehead to his.
“Why are you denying this?” I breathe.
He shakes his head and licks his lips, locking eyes with me. His thumb brushes over my lips, holding my cheek as I lean into his touch. His other hand pauses on the hem of my shirt, like he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I just want to feel him against me again. Around me, inside of me... I want all of him, still.
I break his touch myself to take my shirt off. His breath hitches at the sight of my bare breasts, moving his hand lower, I expect to feel them there but instead he traces the line of my tattoo. When his face goes tight, it does all the talking. I hold his face and bring his lips back to mine. Kissing him once, twice, his tongue laps over my lips before he sucks my lips, then nibbles at my chin like always used to. I sigh as I lean my head back, so his lips can travel down my neck and to my collar bone. I dig my hips into his and feel his cock, only partially hard, but hardening.
He groans when I rub him through his jeans, and curses under his breath when I get my hand inside his jeans and grip him. His lips close around my nipple as his tongue swirls around and he sucks softly, he does the same to the other. And then again, harder.
“Thom... I’ve missed you.” I whisper.
He kisses my sternum, with his lips pressed against me he whispers back, “I’ve missed you too.”
I smile softly, biting my lip as he prompts me to climb on the bed. I do, and I turn to see him at the edge. I lean up on my elbows, he looks down at me for a long moment. My body heats with the anticipation, and I feel my sex pool with desire for him. Thom takes off his shirt, his pants and then his boxers. My eyes are graced with the sight of his cock again, hard and erect between his strong thighs and dark patch of hair. His Adonis belt is still strong, but not quite as defined, as are his abs. I could care less about his body, only that I get to hold him again.
I take off my own jeans and panties at once because I just don’t want to waste any time. He leans down, tracing over my calves and thighs with the pads of his fingers. He grips my knee and my legs fall open, his eyes go right to my throbbing sex. The way he licks his lips makes me shudder and pulse even more, I feel myself gushing.
Thom moves on the bed, so he lays between my legs. He runs his fingers over my hips and down through my tuft of hair, his hot breath fans over me and I mewl. Thom breathes in against me, and his lips go to my inner thigh to feather kisses there. He kneads the flesh of my thighs and moves over to the other side. He worships every inch of my skin and drives me crazy, just like before.
“Please Thom.” I take his hand over my thigh. He glances at me under his lashes and brushes his lips over me. I shudder as he does it over and over, until I’m raving mad.
Finally, he applies more pressure and flicks his tongue over my clit. He sucks, nibbles, bites me softly. Taking his time to languish every inch of me. My skin moistens with sweat as my heart beats faster, his mouth leaves me suddenly but is replaced by his fingers. At first, his index finger rolls over me, between my folds and inside of me before his index and middle finger sink inside of me. I cry out as he reaches deep inside of me and curls his fingers upwards as he pumps me faster. He silences my moans by kissing me. I taste myself on him and our tongues dance together as my sex clenches around his fingers.
My body trembles and quakes when I come, it’s sudden and takes me by surprise but it takes all of me. His lips hover over mine as we pant against each other. His fingers leave me, and I yearn for more of him. To be filled by him and consumed by him once again. I don’t care how much it hurt the first time. I care about all the good times I know we can have. About the things I know we can work through... the physicality is still the same, if not more intense. When he sinks inside of me I nearly climax once again. My body is just so attuned to his, everywhere he touches me is right.
We roll over, and I saddle over him as I sink lower until all of him is buried inside of me. My clit rubs against his hair as I lean forward and move my hips. I steady my hands on his shoulders out of habit and look into his eyes. Raw feeling courses between us as I start to move, slowly at first to get used to it. His breathing is heavy, his hands grip my hips and he thrusts up to reach even deeper.
My moans grow louder as I move faster. His thumb presses my clit and the pressure alone shudders me closers to the edge. I rake my nails down his front, stopping at his abs where I stay. I roll my hips faster, deeper. The bed creaks against the wall and he grunts deep in his chest. I hold myself on the edge for as long as I can, just enjoying the feel of him inside of me and the way his cock pulses.
Just as I am about to let go, he pulls me down to kiss him. His lips coax over mine, wet and warm as I kiss him back. Our tongues slosh and our lips smack, mixing with the noise of his thrusts.
“You feel so good,” I murmur over his lips. He kisses me, gripping my ass as he rolls my hips over him.
“Perrie, you’re perfect. You’ll always be perfect.” He kisses my jaw and hold his lips against my neck as I come.
It’s a blinding boom of collision and explosions as I clench around him. I throb and grind against him, riding it out until the very last second. The feel of him is scorching hot inside of me as he comes, he pumps through it, groaning into my neck. As we come down, he moves his lips over the line of my jaw, stopping over my lips like
he just wants to feel them there. We roll onto our sides and I nuzzle against him as he slips out of me. I sigh with content, with... satisfaction.
Time passes, and I just hold him as he holds me. Without him talking, I get the truth. It’s whatever is going on in his head that messes up his words. I shove it from my mind and just enjoy the moment. I kiss the warm skin of his arm, tracing the lines of his bicep and forearm. When I look up at him, he kisses me immediately. It’s soft and sweet, and he kisses my forehead when he pulls away. I gaze into his eyes as he runs his fingers through my hair.
“Why did you cut it?”
“I... changed a lot of things. When we broke up.” I swallow.
He nods once. His hand rests over my waist, then he sits up on the pillow, propping his head on his elbow.
“What does this mean for us, Thom?” I ask cautiously. His eyes don’t glaze over, and he doesn’t evade the question.
“Can I say that I don’t know?”
I purse my lips. “Yes. But why?”
“I... it’s complicated.”
“Thom, we know everything about each other. Known each other for years... I don’t think anything could be complicated between us.”
“I know.”
“Is it... but do you want to be with me?” I bite my lip nervously.
He takes a deep breath before he answers. “Yes, but there are things I have to work through right now.”
I think over his words. Think over what he could have to work through, but I just love him so much it truly is unconditional.
“How long will that take?”
He blinks once, slowly. Like he is thinking of an answer good enough, but not the honest one. “I don’t know, honestly.”
“Well,” I sigh, “I’m willing to wait, Thom. I don’t want anyone else, ever. It’s only you, it always has been.”
“I don’t want anyone else either. But I don’t want to hurt you.”
“More than you already have?” I laugh once. “What does that mean? Why can’t you tell me whatever is going on?” I sit up, cocking my head to the side to look at him.