The first thing that hits me when we enter North Korea is the sense of oppression. There’s an underlying tension and a fear of speaking or looking out of line. Once we pass through customs I’m assaulted with pictures of Kim Jong-un, and everyone in the tourist booths at the airport have smiles plastered all over them. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone told me it was dangerous, or the fact that I’m just here for Ellie, but I can’t help but feel like everything is just so fake. We’re met by our guides – every tourist is required to be accompanied by two North Korea guides at all times. Lee makes no indication that he’s met either of them before. The four of us head to our hotel. I glance at Lee from time to time on the drive but he keeps his head straight ahead. He’s briefed me thoroughly. Say nothing, do nothing, think nothing. This is a dangerous place and nothing is as it seems. I’ll be performing a concert the day after tomorrow, and after that is when we will make our escape. From now until then, the only reason I’m here is tourism and to play this concert. No mention of the Supreme Leader. No mention of nuclear weapons. No mention of Ellie. No mention of America. I look out the window at the tree-lined streets. Glancing down some side streets I can see glimpses of run-down buildings just a few blocks over. Tall apartment blocks with laundry hanging over balconies. One building has evidence of a fire that must have damaged half the building. But on the drive, everything is pristine. I wonder who they think they’re fooling. The next day is torture. I’m paraded around town and taken to various monuments. I couldn’t give a shit about the Supreme Leader or Kim Jong-il or Kim Il-sung who came before him. But I’m shown picture after picture and statue after statue. Everyone sings their praises and worships them. I nod and smile and take pictures where I’m supposed to take them. It’s all lies. I can see the desperation, the poverty, the despair lurking just below the surface. These people are suffering. And they have to live their entire lives pretending like they have got the best life in the world. I wonder if Ellie saw these things, if they took her around to the same sights as me. Who am I kidding, of course she did. And she would have seen the desperation in their eyes just like I do. Hell – she’s living that reality right now. I wish I could see her right now. Hold her in my arms, smell her hair and kiss her forehead. My arms are aching for her. It’s not lust, it’s more than that. It’s love. I haven’t felt any desire since the day I found out she was being held hostage. I just want to be with her. If anything happens to her I’ll never forgive myself and I know a piece of me will forever be missing. I’ve already lived most of my adult life knowing there’s a piece of me missing. Now that I’ve figured out what that piece is, it’s slipping away from me in the most horrific way. I can’t let anything happen to her. She’s the most precious, the most intelligent, the most beautiful woman in the world. We’re riding in the car back to the hotel after a long day of touring. I lean my head back on the headrest and imagine Ellie’s smile for the millionth time. It’s the only thing keeping me going right there. I love the way her green eyes sparkle like emeralds when she says something sarcastic, the way the smile plays on her lips when she grins. I love the way she tucks her hair behind her ear. I replay every single moment I’ve had with her and I relish the memories, not wanting to let go of a single moment I’ve had with her. I should have had more. I should have had ten years of memories with her but instead I have ten years on my own, stumbling in the dark until it’s almost too late. I need her. I hope she needs me too. Chapter 20 – Ellie
Jang-mi is helping me get ready again. “Special concert for our Supreme Leader,” she says softly. I nod. She helps me slip on the sequinned black dress they’ve brought for me. It’s another stunner, with a plunging neckline and hip-hugging figure. Maybe they’ll let me keep this one, I wonder as I spin around in the mirror. Doubtful. Jang-mi nods, satisfied. I make a move for the door when she places a hand on my arm. I look at her and suddenly my heart is pounding. She hasn’t done this since the day of the candy wrapper. “Anything else you need?” she asks softly. I frown. She’s staring at me, trying to tell me something. What could I possibly need? I glance around the room and then back at her. She raises her eyebrows. “In case you need it tonight.” She stares at me intently. Tonight. Tonight must be the night. A cold current of fear shoots through my spine and my eyes widen as I look at her. I walk over to the dresser and pull out my shirt. I unfold it and reach into the secret pocket in the neckline to pull out the camera’s memory card. I look at it for a moment, knowing the amount of sensitive information is on it. I need to get it out of the country, to show the world the photos I’ve taken and write the most damning piece I’ve ever written. I turn to Jang-mi. I wonder how much danger I’m putting her in by letting her have this. She nods. She takes the memory card from me and tucks them under her shirt. I know she’s taking her life in her hands by holding them for me, and I wonder if I even need them. But she nods at me and I know she is prepared for this. As soon as I watch the memory card disappear I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I’ve just exposed myself to her, and I have no idea if I can trust her. If she takes that memory card back to the authorities, I’ll definitely be arrested and imprisoned and it won’t be in a luxury hotel. My heart starts pounding but I know it’s too late. Maybe this was all a ruse to gain my trust and see what I would give up! I stare at her, wide-eyed. She stares back without saying anything. The card is gone and I need to believe that I can trust Jang-mi. I bend over towards a pair of heels when she stops me again. She produces a pair of black flats and hands them to me. “Easier to walk,” she whispers. My heart is in my throat again. Will I be walking a lot?? A rush of adrenaline courses through my veins and I feel the room grow hotter. Surely this means she’s on my side? I try to search her face again but I know it’s pointless. I slip the shoes on and stand up again. She nods, and then turns to the door. I glance back at the room, at my suitcase, at my clothes and belongings and say a quiet goodbye. I’m led back to the palace. This must be where the concert is. I’m trying my best to not look nervous but I can’t help glancing around. Anyone I see, I wonder if they’re the ones who will help me. I wish Jang-mi had come with me to the concert. It’s been weeks in captivity, alone with my thoughts, and the paranoia is starting to get to me. We walk into the palace and down a different hallway. This place is huge. There are rows after rows of pictures and paintings and statues of Kim Jong-un and his predecessors. Their eyes follow me down the hallway and I feel like I’m being watched with every step I take. My steps are quiet in the hallways this time, no clicking of heels on the marble floors. I silently thank Jang-mi for her foresight. We turn down another corridor and into a large amphitheatre. I can see the Supreme Leader sitting front and centre in front of the stage. The room is filled with people in uniform, sitting silently with their hands crossed on their laps. The air is still and heavy. My entourage and I are the only ones moving. They lead me to a seat to the left of Kim Jong-un and gesture for me to sit. I glance around. If this is where my escape is planned I’m not sure how it’ll happen. Every entrance is heavily guarded, and there are hundreds of people in this room. A few of them throw curious glances my way and I wonder if they’ve ever seen a blonde woman before. The lights in the theatre dim and I look to the stage. There’s a single stool set up with a guitar leaning on a stand next to it. The lone microphone is ready in front of the stool. The heavy black curtains are pulled back and a spotlight shines on the stool. Am I here for a concert? Applause starts from the centre of the room as a man walks out from backstage. Even the applause seems orderly, calculated and restrained. I squint in the darkness as the man walks towards the circle of light in the centre of the stage. I know that walk. I’d recognise it anywhere. No… It can’t be him. My heart jumps up to my throat and time seems to stand still as he walks closer and closer to the microphone. He steps into the light and my jaw drops to the floor. His hair is tousled and he has a few days’ worth of stubble on his face. His plain black t-shirt is stretched against his broad chest, pull
ing up slightly as he runs his fingers through his hair. Derek. My heartbeat is like a tidal wave in my ears. I can’t even clap my hands, all I can do is watch as he picks up his guitar and takes a seat on the stool. The world falls away and all that exists is me and him. He’s so close I can almost taste him. He’s just out of reach, just beyond my grasp. My heart breaks a thousand times with every moment that passes. I will myself to stay still, to stop my body from jumping up and running to him. I don’t understand how he can be here, why he came, if what I’m seeing is really him. All I can do is watch as he sets himself up on stage. Tears gather in the corner of my eyes as he strums the first chord. Then, his eyes search the crowd, scanning over everyone until he stops and finds me. The breath catches in my chest as our eyes lock and he starts to sing. Chapter 21 – Derek
There she is. She’s alive. She’s here. The relief of seeing her washes over me like a cool breeze. I almost forget to start singing the moment I lay my eyes on her but thankfully the words come. I can’t look away, I have to convince myself my eyes aren’t playing any tricks on me. It’s really her. She’s sitting there, blonde hair falling in loose waves around her head like a halo, plunging black dress hugging her perfectly. My voice is hoarse and I can barely concentrate. I’ve sung this song a million times but it’s like I’ve never been on stage before. I close my eyes and focus on the song. I can’t let on that anything is wrong, and I definitely can’t mess up my very first lyric. This is a show like any other. I could be anywhere, singing for a room full of fans. Never mind that they’re all in uniform, and I’m singing in the most isolated country in the world, on a breakneck, impulsive mission to get the woman I love back to safety. Just a show like any other. I close my eyes and belt out our biggest hit. It’s strange being on stage on my own, I’ve grown comfortable having my band members here beside me. I feel almost exposed up here. “Thank you,” I say to the audience as they clap politely. Definitely not the liveliest bunch I’ve ever played for. I adjust the pegs on my guitar as I get ready for the next song. I’ve never played this one for anyone except the band. I wrote it last week, straight from the heart. For her. The melody flows out of me as I sing my love for her. I’ve never sung like this before, never played like this before. The emotion is too raw, too real for me to even look at her. Left her in the hallway,
Ten years on and she’s still
the only one.
As the last note sings out of my guitar I open my eyes and find Ellie again. She’s rapt, staring at me like there’s no one else in the room. There isn’t, as far as I’m concerned. Just her and me. I want to keep looking at her, to stare at her, to tell her I love her right now but I have to stop myself. I’m not even supposed to know who she is. I force myself to look at the leader’s table. He’s smaller than I’d imagined, the Supreme Leader. With a title like that you’d imagine a big, imposing man. He’s almost meek-looking, flanked on either side with angry-looking generals. I glance from one to the other and then to the audience behind them. No one moves, no one stirs. They clap when they’re supposed to and stop when he does. It’s weird. I take a deep breath and start another song. The set drags on, it’s the longest show I’ve ever played. Finally, after a dozen more songs I stand up and take a bow. The polite, restrained clapping fills my ears and I turn towards the back of the stage. This is it. This is when we get her out of here, when the danger really starts. I find the dressing room and walk in. Lee is there, waiting for me on a chair. He stands up when I enter and gives me a meaningful stare. I close the door behind me and put my guitar down gently in its case, and then stand up and turn towards him. “You ready?” I ask. Lee nods and all I can do is breathe in and swallow as my whole body starts tensing up. It’s time to get the fuck out of this place. Chapter 22 – Ellie
That was the most incredible concert I’ve ever been to. It felt like he was singing every single song only to me, like we were the only ones there. I didn’t see the men in uniform or the guns or even the Supreme Leader sitting just a few feet away from me. I didn’t see anything except Derek. Maybe he was singing every single song to me. Even when he wasn’t looking at me it felt like every word was written for me. Now it’s over and the reality is crashing down around me. He walks off stage and I want him to look back towards me. I know he shouldn’t, he can’t, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want him to. Is this what Jang-mi meant when she said help was coming? Did she know Derek would be here? Does she know that we know each other? Who else knows, I wonder? I can’t help the feeling of dread inside me and the growing worry that this isn’t going to work out. He disappears backstage and a part of my heart shatters. I wish I could run up, jump in his arms, kiss him a thousand times just like I’ve been imagining for the past two weeks. My whole body is like a coiled spring and as soon as Derek disappears I feel like I’m going to explode. My eyes peer into the darkness where I last saw him and finally I accept that he’s gone. He came here to save me and he put himself in danger for me. I feel like hyperventilating, like I’m about to pass out, but at the same time I feel hyper aware of everything around me. Every movement and every sound is amplified. Every nerve ending in my body is vibrating with anticipation. I’m trying my hardest to hide my emotion. I have no idea what story my face is telling, or what secrets I’m betraying just by looking around. It’s impossible to be unnoticed here, I look so different from everyone else. Everywhere I go I can feel the stares on my back, even though on the surface everyone pretends I’m invisible. Kim Jong-un make a move to get up and my spine stiffens in response. I don’t want to look at him, I want to make myself as small as possible. Unassuming. Unthreatening. The guards beside me stand up as Kim Jong-un does and motion for me to do the same. He spins around and walks out of the theatre in front of everyone else. No one moves as he waddles up the aisles and through the open doors. Everyone bows their heads as he walks by and the movement ripples through the crowd like a wave. Once he’s out, the aisles start clearing behind him. I glance back towards the stage one last time and I feel my hope slipping through my fingers like grains of sand between my fingers. One by one I see my hopes vanish with every passing second. Derek is gone backstage and I’m being ushered out in the opposite direction. The panic starts rising in my throat. I have to get to Derek. I don’t know how but I know I have to get to him. He’s here for me and I need to make sure we leave this hellhole together – I have to do something! He came all this way and now any chance I had of escaping is slipping away. My eyes dart around but I don’t see anyone I recognise. All I can do is place one foot in front of the next and go wherever they lead me. “Please,” I say, turning to the guard beside me. “Please I’d like to meet Derek Hart.” I’m pleading, begging him. I don’t even know if he understands English. His eyes stay forward as he ignores me. “Please,” I say again, a hoarse whisper forcing itself out of my throat. I’m invisible. I glance back towards the stage and one of the guards shoves me in the back. Pain shoots through my lower back and I wonder if he hit me with his gun. I stumble forward, catching myself before I fall. There’s a knot in my stomach and my vision is blurring. There has to be more to this, this can’t be the end. One of the guards pushes me forward again and I catch a sob in my throat before it can come out. I try to quell the panic rising inside me but all I can do is look behind me at the empty stage one last time before we turn the corner and exit the amphitheatre. I wish someone would tell me what’s going on. I can’t take it anymore, I’m about to break. Chapter 23 – Derek
Second Chance: A Rockstar Romance in North Korea Page 6