by L. C. Mawson
She was still breathing, but it was ragged. A bone was sticking out of her thigh and Claire would have paled at the image if any of it felt even remotely real to her. The world seemed too flat. Like a high-quality CGI render on a 2D screen. Not like reality. She almost expected a HUD to appear out of nowhere, prompting her to press A to revive her teammate.
Claire heard the monster’s screech once more and spun around, determined not to move from in front of Hate.
The monster threw its head back, as it did before spitting acid, and Claire felt her jaw clench in response as she got to her feet, standing her ground.
“Don’t you dare!” she yelled at the monster.
It stopped mid-screech moving to look at her, cocking its head as if in question.
“You cannot have her. You cannot have any of them.”
The monster moved forward, but its head was bowed. It reminded her of a dog who had peed on the carpet.
“The tracker is in place,” Claire heard Lo whisper in her ear, almost breaking her concentration, but not quite.
“Return to your master,” Claire told the creature and, to her surprise, it did exactly that, turning to leave the city.
“We have to get her to the Tower,” Lo said, becoming visible once more.
Claire just nodded, her words lost as she looked at the pale, blood-stained girl on the ground.
CHAPTER TEN
“Hey, wake up. You’re making my arm go to sleep.”
Claire woke groggily, opening her eyes to see that her head had been resting on Hate’s arm as she lay on the infirmary bed. Hate had been in bad shape, but Em and Mademoiselle Bennett had patched her up and told Claire that all she needed now was rest. Claire had refused to leave her side, sitting in the chair by her bed and playing a handheld game, until her eyes had started to droop with tiredness. She must have fallen asleep hunched over Hate’s bed, she realised, moving away a little, though not entirely.
“How are you feeling?” Claire asked.
“I have pins and needles in my hand,” Hate told her, clenching and unclenching her fist, “but I otherwise can’t complain. Though, I’m guessing that’s the painkillers.”
“Em and Mademoiselle Bennett said you’re good as new,” Claire assured her. “You just need to rest while your body adapts to the artificial tissue in your leg.”
Hate gave her a reassuring smile. “That’s fine. I must be at least half artificial tissue at this point.”
Claire smiled back, though it was weak. “I was terrified that I’d lost you,” she eventually admitted softly.
“Oh please, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” Hate joked, though her tone was a little flat. She coughed awkwardly as she pulled her knees up to her chest and brushed her hair from her eyes. “How did we get out? Did Lo call the others?”
“No, I... I used my power. I made the monster stop and then told it to return to its master,” Claire explained, feeling more than a little sheepish. Lo had told the others what had happened, gushing at how impressive she'd found it. Claire was just weirded out. The way the monster had looked at her...
“Thank you,” Hate said, so quietly that Claire almost didn’t hear it.
“Oh, um... It’s no problem. I mean, you’ve saved me so... I figured I should return the favour...”
Hate smiled again at that, but it faded swiftly. “Love... about what I said...”
“It’s Claire, remember?”
Claire knew that she'd changed the subject out of fear, but she couldn’t help it. She was afraid. Afraid that Hate would take it all back. Afraid about what Hate had meant by I hate the way you make me feel. Afraid that she didn’t know how to love anyone else.
“No,” Hate said simply. “I’m not calling you Love as punishment. I’m calling you it because you’ve earned it. It’s a title that commands the respect that you deserve. You’re one of us now. Part of our family. No question.”
“I... Okay,” Claire conceded, her fingers moving to twist at her plait.
“We need to talk,” Hate said. “About what happened before... Well, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t mean it.”
Claire tried not to flinch as she felt as if someone had dumped a cup of ice water down her back.
Hate continued on, her gaze stuck to the wall at the other side of the room. “We’ve already been over this and... one lapse doesn’t mean that I’ve changed my mind.”
“I understand. You’re worried about dulling your powers. It’s fine. I get it.” Claire’s tone was completely dead and robotic. It had to be. She didn’t want to start crying or anything.
Hate let out a sharp bark of laughter. “It’s not my power I’m worried about,” she admitted, her hand finding where Claire’s was resting on the bed, entwining their fingers, though she still didn’t turn to look at her. “It’s yours.”
“Mine? Hate, you’re the only reason I managed to get my powers working in the first place.”
Hate gave a sad smile, gently squeezing where their fingers met. “It might work in the short-term, but you can find other sources of love. If you’re with me... It will dull you in the long-term.”
“And what if I don’t care?”
“I do,” Hate said in a haunted whisper. “I can’t lose you, Love. I couldn’t bear it if you were to go up against a monster and you were hurt because I had dulled your power. I would rather step in front of a monster myself than see you hurt, but if my powers are dulled too... I might not have the strength to protect you.”
Claire’s stomach twisted painfully at the thought of Hate stepping into danger for her again. She'd only been saved this time by Claire’s power, which might not have worked if it had been dulled.
“I understand,” Claire replied, her own voice soft and husky with an effort to not let tears fall.
Hate seemed to accept that, pulling her hand away from Claire’s and clearing her throat.
“You should go and clear things up with Em,” Hate told her. “Use your friendship with her as a source of love.”
Claire nodded at the suggestion, though she had no intention of following through on it. She didn’t have the energy.
She got up silently, her words gone, and left Hate alone.
CLAIRE ARRIVED AT HER floor tired but too wired to even contemplate sleep. She reasoned that she could just sit in front of the telly and watch something mindless. Or maybe something she’d already seen before. There was an old sci-fi show that she could recite by heart, so maybe that.
She wasn’t expecting to see Em there, waiting for her.
“Em?” she eventually asked, rubbing her eyes a little.
“Hey,” Empathy greeted, sheepishly. She looked exactly like Claire today, with no hint of anyone else. “I... I know you want to talk to me.”
Claire raised an eyebrow as she opened the door, letting Em in. “Why now?” she asked. “You’ve been avoiding me for weeks.”
Em shrugged as she sat on the armchair she was offered. Claire made her way to the kitchen, still talking through the breakfast bar.
“Do you want a coffee?”
“I... I only drink tea.”
Claire nodded, remembering that Em had drank tulsi the last time they were together. She made her a mug as she made her own coffee.
“So, you didn’t answer,” Claire reminded her. “Why now?”
“I just... I wasn’t ready to talk about it before, I guess. I’m still not sure I am. But Pain was right; you deserve the truth.”
Claire frowned a little as she finished making the drinks, going back through to the living room and passing Em her tea before sitting on the sofa opposite. She couldn’t help but notice that Em was hunched over, clutching her mug tight.
“You know that I’m more than a little confused by this, right?”
Em sighed, nodding. “I know, I just... I’m sorry. I didn’t think that I would ever have to face this. I thought that I could just pretend it never happened and you would lea
d a normal life, with no repercussions.”
“Deal with what?” Claire was trying to keep her tone soft and understanding, since Em was clearly terrified, but she worried it came out sharp.
“One of the first victims of the monsters was my mother,” Em said, her gaze fixed on the mug in front of her. “One of the first victims with silver-lilac eyes, I mean.”
“I remember you telling me.”
“It was a mess,” Em confessed, her voice husky with memories she obviously wanted to forget. “She picked me up from school, just like any other day, before going to get my older sister. She was already in middle school. I waited at the park, as I always did. I hated the crowds at the gates. By the time I heard the monster... I ran up to see my mother...” Empathy frowned, her knuckles paling from how hard she was clutching her mug. “There wasn’t much left of her.”
“I’m sorry,” Claire said, unsure of why Empathy was telling the story.
Em took a long drink from her mug, probably burning her mouth, before continuing. “The Aspects got there just after I did. I didn’t watch as they killed the monster. I just clung to my sister. She was covered in our mother’s blood and... It was like there was no one there. But I clung to her still. We didn’t have anyone else. It was just Maman and us.
“Mademoiselle Bennett was with the Aspects. Apparently they had been on their way anyway. On their way for me. The last Empathy had just died and they were there to recruit me. I was only eight, but Pain was about the same age. He was there with them. He greeted me first. My... My powers were already starting to come through. We all have them before the Bands, starting when the last one died usually, just not as intense.”
A tear escaped Empathy’s eye, into her mug. Em gave a frustrated sniff in response, angrily swiping at her eyes to rid herself of any more.
“I could... I could feel my sister’s pain,” she eventually managed, her body wracking itself with a sob despite her best efforts. “It nearly killed me. She'd seen the whole thing and... I just couldn’t leave her. We were all we had.
“That’s when Pain made his offer.”
“His offer?” Claire asked, after Em had been silent for a few moments. She had no idea where Em was going with this, though something seemed to be tugging at the back of her mind. Almost like having an answer on the tip of your tongue. But the feeling was accompanied by an endless pit in her stomach, the very thought of which seemed to be giving her vertigo.
“Pain can have strange effects on people, and since he can manipulate it... He offered to use her pain to wipe her memories. She would be taken away by the cops and dealt with according to our mother’s well-thought-out will, and if she didn’t remember... Well, then I wasn’t really abandoning her, was I? I never expected to see her again. And then Mademoiselle Bennett brings you here. As if we’d never been apart.”
Claire’s mind took a few moments to process what she had said.
She hadn’t just lost a mother to that monster. She'd lost a sister.
A sister who was responsible for her subsequent memory loss.
Claire was bombarded by memory after memory of her scrambling in the dark of her mind, trying to find some scrap of her life before St Cecilia’s. Of a mother who had loved her.
What right did Empathy have to take that from her?
The sound of Em bolting from the room made Claire realise that she'd said that last part aloud.
Good, the unkind part of her said. She deserves to feel guilty over this.
That unkind part of her, however, did nothing to dispel the guilt which began to gnaw at her insides.
She went to the kitchen and poured out the end of her coffee, but it was too late. She was already too wired to sit still. She headed down to the communal space, knowing that Em would have run to the Control Room.
CLAIRE HAD BARELY ENTERED the communal space when Serenity stormed up to her, her usual serene look replaced with a scowl.
“What did you say to Em?” she demanded.
Before Claire could even think, tears sprang forth from her eyes, her body shaking with sobs.
Serenity looked at her snivelling with wide eyes, obviously trying to get her bearings.
“Okay, so now both of you are crying. I don’t... What happened?” Her voice was softer now, which only made the crying worse.
Claire shook her head. She'd wanted so desperately to leave her room, not feeling as if she could stay after Em’s confession, but now she didn’t know where to go.
“I’m fine,” Claire told her, though she knew that she was being far from convincing, her voice strained and watery.
“Love...” Serenity said reproachfully, but Claire cut her off.
“Did you need me for anything else?”
Serenity sighed, folding her arms. “No. I just wanted to know why Em was so distraught.”
“I’m tired,” Claire told her, hoping that would be enough for her to drop it. Her tears had mostly stopped by that point, though she was struggling to wipe up all of the snot.
“Here, come on,” Serenity said, leading her over to a cupboard before getting out a box of tissues and passing them to her. “Love, you may not want to talk about it, but I’m worried about Em. She’s just a kid.”
“She’s thirteen,” Claire bit back, reminding herself as much as Serenity, in an effort to counter her growing guilt over being so harsh.
“What did she do?”
Claire sighed, shaking her head. “Doesn’t matter,” she mumbled. She wasn’t ready to talk about it. Talking about it would make it real.
Serenity’s frown deepened as Claire made her way through a handful of tissues in an effort to dry her face.
“Damn it,” Claire muttered. “I just... Today has not been a good day...”
“What happened?” Serenity continued, her tone soft and understanding.
That only made Claire’s tears return, falling even faster than before.
“I just, I can’t,” Claire told her. “Not now.”
Serenity gave an understanding nod. “All right. Not now.”
Claire nodded in thanks, not trusting her voice to remain steady if she spoke.
“You know, I’m not saying that you don’t have a right to be mad about whatever this is and want to keep it to yourself but... you should talk to someone about it. It doesn’t have to be me. Just someone.”
Claire shook her head. “Not yet. I can’t.”
“Just try, okay? When you can? The team’s going to be worse than useless if we’re fractured.”
Claire thought on that for a few moments as she made another attempt to clean her face up. She was really tired. And thirsty.
“Just... Get some sleep and promise that you’ll at least think about talking to someone in the morning?”
“I... I promise,” Claire said before heading back to the lift.
She paused half way, remembering to say “Thank you,” before heading straight for her bed.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Claire didn’t take Serenity’s advice.
She knew that she should. She was well aware that Serenity was right about her needing to talk to someone. But the problem was who. Talking to Serenity still felt weird. They didn’t really know each other. Which wasn’t really surprising, given that they hadn’t really spoken since they put up the monument to her predecessor.
She didn’t really feel as if she knew Jealousy all that well, either. Claire wondered if she’d been following Empathy’s example and hiding herself away from the others too much.
Then there was the twins. In all honesty, Claire felt quite close to them, what with the almost constant training sessions, but even then, this felt too personal. Like admitting to them that her life before she took on her power still had a hold of her. Or like admitting weakness. They felt more like teachers to her than friends and she didn’t want them to think less of her. Especially given how much less she thought of herself.
She really shouldn’t have been so harsh with Em. She knew
that, she really did. But... She still couldn’t face her. Every time she thought about it, she felt a meltdown begin to form inside her, clawing to get out. If she tried to talk to Em, she would cry and shout without meaning to, if she could even get any words out in the first place.
All that left were Hate and Pain. She was annoyed at Pain as well, so she definitely didn’t want to talk to him, and there was no way she was bothering Hate with this. That would definitely cross the line that they had so carefully constructed to keep what little civility they could between them.
Claire spent the next few days simply avoiding everyone. She trained alone in the early hours of the morning, when everyone else was still asleep, and she stayed on her own floor during the day.
Which meant that she was particularly surprised when Serenity stormed in one morning as she finished up her training session.
“Please tell me there are painkillers somewhere in here,” she said, heading to the cupboard where they kept the medication that wasn’t strong enough to warrant being kept on the medical floor.
Claire shrugged. “I haven’t looked.”
Serenity made a disgruntled noise as she rifled through the cupboard, before letting out a triumphant “Ha!” as she found what she was looking for.
The door opened once more, revealing Justice and Jealousy, though Jealousy looked paler than usual and was clutching a hot water bottle to her middle.
“Need some painkillers?” Serenity asked her.
“She already took some,” Justice said. “And then threw them back up. I’m not sure what dosage would be safe now.”
Serenity gave her a sympathetic look. “That sucks.”
“Tell me about it,” Jealousy grunted through her teeth, as if she was worried that opening her mouth further would be a bad idea.
“Are you ill?” Claire asked her.
“Cramps,” Jealousy managed.
“Oh.” Claire figured that she probably should have realised, given that she'd started bleeding that night. She’d never really had cramps before. Just some minor discomfort, and heightened sensory issues. But plenty of the other girls at St Cecilia’s had them really bad. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”