Past Lives

by Chartier, Shana

  “I did not know you were a family of philosophers,” I said, gazing out at the lush greenery of the forest as we left behind the manmade world of Versailles.

  “I wouldn’t say that, Mademoiselle J, though we were raised to value our minds over that which others consider to be more important.”

  I flushed, instantly aware that those were the things I had been taught to value: wealth, possessions, beauty. Never once had anyone told me that I should value my ability to learn and think. I frowned. I could feel Bastien watching me from the corner of my eye. We rode on in silence for a stretch, until we came upon a small patch of grass near a gurgling stream. Purple flowers dotted the surrounding forest, and I found that I instantly loved this secret little place. Bastien seemed to agree.

  “I think this looks like a good spot for a picnic, don’t you ladies?”

  “Oh yes!” Jacqueline exclaimed. “I couldn’t agree more. Quick—let’s set up and have our meal. I’m famished!”

  I tried not to think about how much food she had already eaten when breaking her fast earlier, as it seemed mean-spirited. Bastien helped Jacqueline off of her horse before coming over to me, his hand held out.

  “My lady?” he asked, waiting with his hand out as I stared at it. I should have known better, but instead I removed my riding gloves first and placed them in a saddle pouch. I saw his eyes widen for just an instant before I slid my bare hand into his, allowing our skin to touch. We paused, a frozen tableau, this forbidden gesture a cruelty on my part for I knew deep down that I would never pursue it. My father would kill me if I told him I went to Versailles and fell in love with a soldier who was barely an aristo. Still, I couldn’t help myself. To make things worse, he slid me slowly off of my horse, our bodies meeting fully for just a moment as my feet found purchase on the ground.

  He didn’t let go of my hand. I allowed the electricity and heat to flow through it, addicted. I wanted to feel these things. I wanted to understand what they meant, even knowing that I would at some point have to give them up. Then I realized that we were gaping at each other while Jacqueline was setting up our picnic.

  “Goodness, I should have thought to bring a maid…you shouldn’t be doing that Jacqueline,” I said, removing my hand and reanimating back to the present. Bastien’s face fell briefly in disappointment before he turned to see that Jacqueline had basically set up the entire picnic on her own. He began to apologize when she put up a hand, kneeling on the red blanket while she finished spreading out our meal of cheese and cold meats and wine. The clouds overhead were beginning to look a little less friendly, but my desire to stay out with my friends was overriding common sense. Ok fine, my desire to stay out with Bastien was doing it…so what?

  “Don’t be silly, you two. I love doing this sort of thing—it reminds me of playing house as a child,” she smirked, looking at us knowingly. I chided myself for now giving them both the wrong impression, but said nothing. Instead the three of us sat down, and I listened in quiet fascination at the level of conversation Jacqueline and Bastien sank into. They could discuss anything with an educated opinion on the matter, whereas I was so limited that I was scared to offer an opinion.

  “But don’t you think it was wrong of the English to be so domineering? I mean, the Americans have been running on their own steam for so long, it was stupid of King George to think he could destroy them with his silly taxes,” Jacqueline said. The topic of the American Revolution had come up frequently in the past few years after the Americans had earned their independence…with generous help from France.

  “How can you say that, sister?” Bastien asked. “The lifestyle you choose to live goes against everything that country believes in.”

  “It does not!” she cried out, petulant. “America is founded on the principle that all people can work their way up, just like we did.”

  “We did not work our way up, Jacqueline. We were handed wealth by the king. Wealth that is now being siphoned because France gave all our money away to the American cause,” Bastien spat. I gazed at him, bewildered.

  “Are you not grateful for the change in status you were given? To be provided with a better life?” I asked, truly puzzled. Bastien cast fiery eyes at me, and I wanted to recoil under their fire. Or snuggle up to it. Whichever.

  “I am grateful that my sister is safe and provided for, yes. But I don’t think that investing in the wars of others and then inspiring our own people to rise up against the king is going to end well for France, do you?”

  “I…” I stalled. I didn’t know what I thought, because no one had taught me how. Bastien knew this, and, patient teacher that he was, he waited for me to come to my own answer. It would probably be the first time that had ever happened.

  “The people would not dare to rise up against the king. Surely we are safe behind the walls of Versailles. It’s too far for anyone to want to take it down. And it’s so pretty!” I exclaimed. My values were a little…shallow. Bastien frowned.

  “You really have no idea what’s happening outside these walls, do you?” he asked, incredulous. This made me defensive, yet again.

  “I certainly do. I know that we do what we can to help the less fortunate, but that they cannot help themselves. It is not our fault that we were born into rank and they into servitude. I’m sure that those who work hard have a good living for themselves and that those who do not suffer, as is the nature of all things.”

  “And what of those who work hard and are given nothing, because of their status, as you say?” Bastien whipped back. I was not used to someone speaking to me this way…debating with me. His opinions infuriated me mostly because if he was right, he would take away my essence. Everything I had ever been taught to believe would be wrong. And I didn’t want to face that possibility. I forced a bubbly laugh.

  “Well now you are being silly, Bastien. Please stop with all this political nonsense, admit you are wrong, and stop giving me a frightful headache,” I crooned, pouring a small glass of crisp wine and taking a sip to calm my nerves. Having watched our exchange as though it were a tennis match, Jacqueline began to look around the woods. An awkward silence fell before she found something that excited her.

  “Oh, do you see that trail of flowers? I bet it leads to my favorite ones, Bastien! Do you care if I go have a look?” she asked, all innocence. Bastien cast one sideway glance at me, the heavy realization that we would be alone in a romantic forest grove not lost on either of us, before nodding his head in approval. Scooping up her yellow dress, Jacqueline ran clumsily through the bush and was out of sight in minutes, leaving us to our general disagreements. Bastien finally leaned toward me, his expression earnest.

  “J, if you do not believe that the world is about to come crashing down around you, then you will not survive what is to come next. With poverty comes violence…once you take food away from a hungry mouth, it has naught to do but rise up and bite. The poor are beginning to assemble, and I fear the world will not be a safe cocoon for you much longer.”

  “It is your cocoon too, Bastien. I wonder why you choose to live in it if you hate it as much as you seem to,” I said. His answer was quick.

  “I do it for Jacqueline. I don’t know why she strives so hard to be a part of this world…maybe because it is one that will never accept her. But no matter what my beliefs, my primary job is to protect her with all that I have. It is why we are friends, is it not? Because she likes you?”

  “Are you saying that you only treat me as you do, as you might a potential love, because it benefits your sister?” Don’t ask me how I got so bold. He always brought out the worst in me…and the best. He smirked.

  “Well, now who is being silly?” he teased, and I pulled back my hand to give him a playful slap, which he caught easily, pulling me in close. Our playful laughter died as soon as it had come, delicious desire immediately taking its place.

  “J…” he whispered, his face so close to mine I could feel his breath skim my eager lips. My eyes melted into his, the br
own so dark I became lost in their depths.

  “There’s something about you I just don’t understand. I’m drawn to you…I can think of nothing else while you are gone and want nothing more than to kiss you when you’re near. I haven’t the slightest idea why, because you’re so elitist, but I do…”

  Well. You can imagine how that bucket of water cooled me right off. I froze, my body tense, and gave him a hard stare.

  “You call me elitist simply because I could never marry you? You choose to live in my society and yet not abide by its rules?” I challenged. Our embrace slowly pulled apart as the helplessness of our situation solidified itself in our minds, turning our desperation and want for each other into anger. His eyes turned cold as he placed distance between us once again.

  “Well, as I said, my sister needs a friend, and therefore you must be tolerated. Perhaps there is little hope for you after all.”

  “Perhaps even smaller hope for you, you arrogant man!” I spat, unable to repress my anger, which was doubled by the fact that I still wanted him to kiss me. Jacqueline made her way back through the trees noisily, her arms laden with purple flowers that I had never seen before.

  “What in heaven’s name are those?” I asked testily. I watched her physically shrink into herself, unhappy to have made the wrong decision about anything.

  “They’re just some wildflowers…I found them once before and I wanted to press them.”

  “If you bring those back to the palace you will be more of a laughingstock than you already are,” I said haughtily. It did the trick. She dropped them like they were on fire, and Bastien glared at me. I brushed off my skirts.

  “I think I’ve had enough nature for one day,” I declared, and, moody group that we now were, we made our way back to the stables as the sky began to rumble with thunder. As we handed off our horses to the staff, I bid the siblings adieu and stormed around in the opposite direction so as not to see that insufferable man anymore.

  Suddenly the sky opened up, and I was drenched within seconds. I gasped as warm summer rain absorbed into my beautiful dress, ruining it for good, and stood frozen, unsure of what to do. Running sounded like a terrible chore, and I could slip and fall, and then what kind of rumors would spread about me? I felt a hand grasp my upper arm.

  “What are you doing?” Bastien demanded, his hair soaked and falling in his face, his eyes that particular brand of fire I wanted to put out…one way or another.

  “What are you doing?” I demanded right back, glancing down at his hand on my arm. He pulled it back as though stung.

  “You are the most insufferable girl I have ever met.” I stood up to him, almost on the tips of my toes, unwilling to back down.

  “And you are the biggest hypocrite, hating my rules, my life. You judge us just as harshly as we do you and yet you criticize us as at fault. I am not to blame for the way I am!” I cried, nearly screaming in his face. His expression turned predatory, and before I realized what was happening, his arms wrapped tightly around me. He swept me against the stable wall, and our mouths crashed together, desperately fighting for purchase. His hands cradled my face, ran down my neck, caressed my back… anywhere they could go they found their way. I kissed and kissed like I had never done before…because I never had. I’d seen people do it…knew what it was about, though I in no way ever expected it to be like this. The puzzle pieces of my world shifted together in perfect harmony until he quickly pulled away, his breathing labored. He held the back of my neck and placed our foreheads together.

  “You have to be so much more than you are,” he breathed, and I was prepared for him to insult me yet again. “I cannot love you for who you appear to be.”

  “Then who am I?” I moaned. “Who is it that you are trying to find in me?”

  He pulled his face back and stared deeply into my own, his thumb running gently up and down the back of my neck.

  “I want you to be the woman who saves my sister, in spite of what others think. That day you took her side in front of those women, the laughter and friendship you have offered her in spite of being forever unpopular with the court. That is the woman I want you to be…the best version of yourself. A person of kindness.”

  I stared at him in bewilderment…for no one had ever bothered to call me kind—at least, not without some prodding.

  “Will you do that?” he asked fervently. “Will you be there for her?”

  I hesitated. It would mean that whatever gossip going on around me would probably get worse just by making her a permanent friend…but I found that I didn’t care. Which was weird, because I’d cared about that sort of thing all my life. For some reason having an honest and good-hearted friend mattered more to me in that moment even than Bastien’s approval. I needed her as much as she needed me. Before I could give him my answer, we were interrupted by shouting.

  “Where is Monsieur Bastien? I must speak with him immediately!” a panicked male voice came from the other side of the stable. Bastien didn’t hesitate, and I could tell that voice was familiar to him. I followed at a safe distance, not wanting the entire stable to know we’d just been snogging against the back wall…as if my reputation could take another hit. When I rounded the corner, I was surprised to see a soldier of the crown in full regimentals speaking with Bastien, both of their faces grave. I hung back, afraid to interrupt whatever the news was.

  The sky had already begun to clear from the rain, and pink lines skimmed along the doughy surfaces of the remaining clouds. How had this day passed so quickly? I wondered idly, trying to distract myself from the growing tension in Bastien’s shoulders. Finally, the two men saluted each other, and Bastien made his way back over to me. My stomach sank at the somber look on his face. He quietly held out his arm to escort me back to the palace. I glanced around for Jacqueline.

  “Where is your sister?” I asked. His eyes were clouded over, and his answer was spoken as if from a distant part of his mind.

  “I sent her ahead with a stable boy and then came back to make sure you were not unescorted.”

  “What was that soldier on about?”

  His steps slowed until I realized we had stopped walking. He turned and looked down into my eyes, and I wanted so badly to deny what I saw there.

  Fear.

  “J, the Bastille, the only royalist fortress left in Paris, has been overtaken by the people of France. They were successful due to the assistance of mutinous Royal soldiers.”

  He let that sink in. My lifetime of comfort allowed me a healthy dose of instant denial.

  “Surely that will never reach us here. They will be subdued and justice will be met,” I pleaded, seeing the defeat in him that I knew I could not expel.

  “Know this, my dear lady,” he said, tense. “A civil war has officially begun, and we know not who our enemies are. I have been asked to go to Paris and fight on the side of the king, and I will be gone at first light tomorrow.”

  My heart sank. As much as Bastien drove me insane, he was bringing something out in me that I liked…something that I longed for. I didn’t want him to go away.

  “But why?” I whispered. “You don’t even believe in what you are fighting for.”

  I thought of the radical statements he had made, his criticism of the aristocracy. If he would be fighting for anyone, it would be the revolutionary poor. He gazed at me bitterly.

  “You are very astute, J. However, you overlook the one thing I care about more than anything in the world—my sister, Jacqueline. I will forever be between her and any evil this world may cast upon us…and that places me in the direct service of this king.”

  I hadn’t realized that we had begun walking again until I glanced up and saw that we were about to enter the palace. Still, as we moved to break apart, Bastien hesitated, his hand lingering on my elbow. Then he sighed, dropping his hand and giving me a polite bow.

  “I’m sorry to part with you this way Mlle J. I do hope that you will think about what I’ve asked,” he said fervently, his eyes gli
stening in the candlelight freshly lit along the walls. I couldn’t help myself. I grasped both his hands in mine and kissed his knuckles, hoping that there was no one around to see. And who cared if there was? No one would talk of anything but Bastille for ages now…if things didn’t start getting even worse.

  “I promise,” I whispered. Although it was a promise to protect and look after his beloved sister, it was more of a promise to myself. Bastien had asked me to become the best version of myself, and I wanted that more than anything, more than all the jewels in the royal crown. We stood, holding hands, for what seemed like forever, and in no time at all he gave me his final bow and I watched him walk away. When his shoulder turned the corner and I felt the cord of our connection cut, I briskly ran the other way and into my rooms, where I spent the rest of the night alone.

  This time, I picked up a book, and began to read.

  Chapter Six

  Darkness Falls

  I wish this story had a happy ending. I really do. Unfortunately, this life was one of my first, and I had much to learn about the meaning and value of being alive. The day Bastien left, my heart drifted listlessly into a cold, dark place. Everyone began to sit quietly and whisper, and the concept of laughter or celebrating began to die out altogether. We all sat in wait for news from Paris. And we waited. And the days became insufferably hot and long. At night, I would dream feverishly of Bastien’s kisses. Then my dreams would be replaced by his bitter judgment of my character, and I would wake up in tears for the foolish girl I had been.

  Of course, this in no way changed anyone else’s behavior. Jeannette was still a manipulative shrew, and took every possibility she had to remind everyone of my supposedly tarnished reputation. Luckily my status and the fact that the world was falling down around our ears kept anyone from really treating me poorly, though I was pointedly invited to fewer parties. Not that parties were all that much fun, anyway. Everyone drank and drank to forget that our lives might be in some form of danger. One night, Giselle almost didn’t wake up for drinking, and the physician forbade her from drinking at all after bleeding her out. She lay in bed for weeks, barely muttering a word, and we had no idea what to do with her.