Past Lives

by Chartier, Shana

  “Don’t mind her. She’s just ragingly insecure…and an idiot. She curses people out so that they won’t learn that she still counts on her fingers in math class.”

  Giselle and I snorted at that. I was relieved that there was at least one normal one.

  “I’m J, and this is Giselle,” I said, holding out my hand. She took it, her handshake limp.

  “Jackie. Jeanie there is my cousin, to my great misfortune,” she said, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. Giselle and I expressed our deep remorse for her circumstances before we all realized we were in AP World History together and made our way to class. Life assumed its regular course, full of desk drawings and teachers trying to crack jokes so we’d think they were funny and relatable. Our history teacher hinted at a major World War II project that we would have to complete by the end of the semester, and we all groaned.

  I had my last period of the day with Jeanie, who gave me a saccharine smile from the back when I entered the room and took a seat in the front row. Ironically, it was a math class, and I wondered meanly if she would have enough fingers to count our algebra equations on her hands. I played solitaire on my phone while waiting for class to start, trying to ignore the massive flirting going on behind me. Not surprisingly, Jeanie was already popular. Not only was she new, but she was attractive and dressed provocatively. It was teenage boy kryptonite, and they fell all over themselves to sit by her and laugh at her stupid jokes.

  Class passed by as most first day sessions do…a lot of syllabus discussion and going over everything we forgot over the summer. When the bell rang I couldn’t wait to get out—I hated math, but also being around Jeanie made my skin crawl. As I was almost out the door, something caught my shoe, and I tumbled to the ground in an unceremonious heap. Crimson faced, I got up quickly, turning as Jeanie made her way out of the room, shoulders back.

  “You really should learn how to walk, J. It’s a great skill to have,” she said, sauntering out as the pack of wolves followed closely behind, offering to carry her stuff. I glared at her back, angry that this wasp would now do her very best to make my senior year a living hell. I decided a trip to visit Sebastian was just what I needed. Once at the hospital, I tossed on my scrubs quickly in the nurse’s locker room and headed to the physical therapy room. I was surprised to find Jackie there, alone.

  “Hello,” I said, unable to keep the surprise off my face. After dealing with Jeanie today, I was ashamed to admit that seeing another female relative of Sebastian was the last thing I wanted. She smiled as though she was quite used to this reaction.

  “Hi there!” We hesitated.

  “I haven’t seen you at a session before,” I said. She shrugged.

  “We were staying with family in Colorado for the summer before school started, so we literally just got in the other day. Believe me, I would have much rather been here, but the General thought it would be better for Sebastian to have some time to himself first.”

  I thought it was weird that they all called their father the General. Maybe that’s just what it was like in military families?

  “Jackie!” Sebastian wheeled in quickly, and Jackie bent down to embrace him in an awkward hug.

  “Come to watch me suffer?” he asked, smirking. She smiled back, the first time I saw genuine happiness in her.

  “Come to watch you triumph, more like.” Sebastian laughed.

  “Yeah, right. You’ll be redefining that when you see me struggle like an idiot.”

  “You’re not an idiot, and never forget it,” Jackie said, her eyes fierce. I could tell that the bond between them ran very deep, to the point where I felt bad that they had been separated at all. She turned back to me.

  “Thank you for helping my brother. He’s a stubborn mule, like pretty much every man I’ve ever known, but that certainly has a way of getting him through things.”

  I smiled. “It’s been a pleasure working with him,” I said, casting a glance his way and relishing in the warmth I got back. We’d managed to become friends in the short weeks we had worked together, something that often happened between trainers and their patients. Still, our friendship often hinted at something deeper. We were just too scared to acknowledge it.

  It was actually fun having Jackie in the session, and her presence resulted in three more steps than Sebastian had been able to walk before. He still wasn’t without the support bars, but his progress was promising. It was becoming more and more likely that he would get full use of his legs back. Toward the end, everyone was all smiles, Dolly congratulating us as a unit for providing a loving, supportive atmosphere in which Sebastian could fully heal.

  “Next time you should invite Jeanie,” I said sarcastically. “I’m sure she’s just buckets of support.”

  Both Sebastian and Jackie winced at my comment, and I immediately regretted it.

  “We’re really sorry about her,” Jackie said, and I realized that their wince was on my behalf, not for Jeanie’s benefit.

  “She’s always been pretty nasty…the stuff she would pull on us was insane. Because we were on base, discipline was one of our first rules, so she managed to learn how to be ridiculously sneaky so as not to get caught. There were some kids she just terrorized…and there was nothing we could do about it. Both our fathers were the highest ranking officials on base,” Jackie explained. Suddenly, I felt extremely bad for her. If Jeanie was anything like she was today, I couldn’t imagine having that as a part of my everyday life—having to live with it.

  “I’m sure it’s just something she’ll outgrow,” Sebastian said, dismissing the topic.

  And that was that. Still, I had a deep-rooted feeling, an instinct beyond anything I had felt before, that she was so much worse than she seemed. I hoped, for everyone’s sake, that I was wrong.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The Cloud Settles In

  From that day on, Jeanie set out to make my life miserable. I went from being a socially accepted, semi-popular kid to an outsider within a week of her arrival. The rumors she spread about me were so ridiculous that I laughed when confronted with them...until I realized no one else was joining in on the joke. She even got people to sit behind me in class and put gum in my hair. Jackie was already well-versed in the removal, and she listened quietly to my cursing rant as we sat in my bathroom while she delicately worked my scalp.

  Gently, she rubbed peanut butter into my hair, using a toothbrush to really get it through the gum. She then took a dry towel and pulled the peanut butter-infused gum from my hair, tugging gently at my battered scalp. She bent my head back in the sink and washed my hair thoroughly. When I whipped it back up and ran a hand through, it was completely gum free. I hugged her fiercely.

  “Believe me, I’ve had a ton of practice,” she said, smiling as Giselle entered the bathroom, breathless from leaping up the stairs.

  “You got it all out?” she asked, amazed. I lifted up pieces of my hair so she could see that we had, and she nodded in approval. She showered Jackie in compliments, and as their stare lingered, I cleared my throat. Both of them jumped.

  “Well, I’ve got to get to the late shift at the hospital,” I said, effectively ending whatever moment had just passed between them. I bid them farewell as we all pulled out of the long dirt driveway. I spent a few hours doing data entry for Dolly, wondering if it was really enough to help me get into a good college. Around 9 o’clock, my lower back began to ache from sitting for too long, my eyes blurring over from focusing too hard on a computer screen. I shut everything down and made my way back down the hallway, not so innocently passing by Sebastian’s room to check in.

  He was sitting upright watching the Big Bang Theory, and I watched him chuckle quietly for a few seconds before I gave the door a quiet knock. He grinned warmly as I entered.

  “Well, if it isn’t my old friend the volunteer,” he said, waving his hand at the chair beside his bed, gesturing for me to take a seat. I plopped down, resting my feet on the metallic base of his hospital bed
and gazing up at the television show.

  “I like it better when Leonard and Penny are together,” I said, and Sebastian agreed.

  “I think it’s cool when they show how relationships take work, but that the work is worth it when you love someone,” he said, and I glanced briefly at him, wondering if he was talking about me. We sat in comfortable silence as the episode played out, my eyes growing heavy. Suddenly the weight of having to deal with constant teasing and tricking and the nasty comments people would throw out to get a laugh from Jeanie all hit me at once, and I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I had my arms crossed on the bed, my head resting heavily against them, and I allowed my eyes to close. I thought I felt Sebastian rest his hand on mine, but it was probably just a dream.

  I could hear screaming…a man crying out in agony. It echoed through my brain until I woke up and realized it was Sebastian. I jumped to my feet, staring at him as I tried to figure out just what was wrong. He thrashed violently, his face red and blotchy, his eyes leaking tears, and I realized that he wasn’t awake. Carefully, I placed my hand on his and called his name.

  “Sebastian! Wake up…wake up please!” Instantly he grasped my hand, and I thought he would break it. Instead, he pulled me onto his lap so that we were face to face, his eyes fierce, just an inch or so from mine. My wrist was twisting, and I wriggled it against his grip.

  “Sebastian please…you were dreaming,” I whispered, and I watched as reality slowly set in, his expression softening from aggression to shock as realization dawned. Quickly, he released my hand and leaned back against his pillows, and I scooted to his side so that I was no longer sitting on him. He held a hand over his eyes, and my heart broke as he fought to control his ragged breathing. I couldn’t bring myself to move.

  “Do you…want to talk about it?” I asked hesitantly. He took a few long, deep breaths before he finally revealed his face to me, blotchy and anguished and perfect. Gently, he took my hand in his and stared down at it, collecting himself.

  “I dream of battle, all the time. Sometimes it’s Afghanistan, but sometimes I dream that I’m a Nazi, torturing people. Sometimes I’m a Confederate soldier…sometimes I even dream in French. I don’t even speak French. It’s always the same, always death. So much is wrong with the world, that we treat each other this way, that we have to in order to keep our loved ones safe…” his eyes filled with tears again, and I gripped his hands tightly, feeling his pain acutely. It had been like that with us since the beginning. Anything he felt, I felt too…and it was maddening. Slowly, I lied down alongside him and rested my head against his wildly beating heart.

  “They’re just dreams…your mind processing what you’ve been through the only way it knows how. Many soldiers live through night terrors when they return,” I said, rubbing my hand along his arm as we held each other. I could feel him calming, my own heart slowing down to a restful pace.

  “You’re going to be ok, Sebastian,” I said, through a barely repressed yawn. He gave me a small squeeze in response. Lying there, resting perfectly in the curve of his body, the pull of sleep claimed me, and I was unable to fight the sense of peace that rushed over me, the sense of rightness. It seemed like seconds later that the light of day was seeping into the room, and my eyes cracked back open in response. I realized then that it was only Thursday, and I had a class to get to.

  I shifted sleepily and gazed up at Sebastian’s face. He looked down at me, his eyes somber.

  “You should go,” he said, his voice brittle. My heart sank. Had I done something wrong? My limbs felt like wood after sleeping on a twin bed with another person, so I carefully unfolded myself and stood upright, brushing uselessly at the permanent wrinkles in my scrubs.

  “Are you going to be alright?” I asked, and was met with a deeper frown. My stomach jumped in panic…why was he shutting me out?

  “I’ll be fine. I took advantage of your kindness last night and allowed you to sleep here against my better judgment. Look what happened…I could have killed you with my bare hands,” he said, his voice raw. He glanced down at my wrist, his eyes scanning the small bruise forming along the ridge of my hand.

  “I don’t mind…” I said, unsure how else to explain the fact that being away from him, especially after getting the chance to hold him close, was going to be absolute misery. People don’t say those things out loud, right? I froze when his expression turned angry.

  “You don’t mind that I could break your arm in my sleep? Don’t you have any sense at all, J? I’m not safe for anyone, not even myself, and you’re the last person I would want to harm,” he wasn’t looking at me now. He stared into the space ahead, his speech clearly well practiced. I turned to go, annoyed and hurt that he would use such an excuse, but then I turned back around to face him.

  “That’s a pretty lame excuse to push someone away, Sebastian. If you don’t want to be with me, fine, but don’t tell me it’s for my own safety. Someone needs to be there in the night to protect you from yourself, and someday you’ll find someone who can. Have faith in the strength of someone other than yourself for once,” I finished angrily, storming out of the room and not bothering to look back.

  I sped home quickly, avoiding my father completely and changing into whatever came out of my closet first before rushing to school. My stomach protested angrily, the burning hunger reminding me that I hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before. As I strode through the front doors, I paused. The hallways were completely empty, in spite of the fact that class hadn’t started yet. I could hear the voices of a crowd over where our lockers were, and I made my way over, confused. Was there a rally I hadn’t been told about?

  When I got to the back of the large group, I stood on my toes to see what was going on. Did a fight break out? People glanced at me with a strange combination of judgment and pity, and I began to weed my way through to the locker they were all surrounding.

  There, written in bright red, was a nasty anti-gay slur, scribbled all the way down Giselle’s locker. I looked around furiously for Giselle, who was nowhere to be found. People were whispering to one another.

  “I didn’t know she was gay…”

  “That’s just disgusting. I can’t believe I even worked on that art project with her…”

  “I hope she doesn’t start hitting on me…”

  I turned and faced the murmuring crowd, fiery anger burning through me.

  “Are you all out of your minds?! Giselle is the same person she has always been. If you could get your heads out of the ground for just a second and realize that trying to be cool by hurting the rest of us makes you a worse person, maybe we could go back to the way things were before Jeanie showed up and poisoned all of you!” I was screaming. I couldn’t help it. My best friend was outed without her permission, in the worst possible way, and Jeanie was actually turning my classmates against her. They knew it was wrong…I was sure they knew better. I could see shame seep into some of their faces as I wrestled my way out of the crowd just as a teacher showed up to break up the group.

  The bell for first period rang, and I didn’t care. I began searching the school for Giselle, frantically checking under desks, in broom closets, wherever someone could hide. I was storming through the football field, prepared to search under the bleachers or in the announcer’s box, when I heard the quiet sniffle echo through the vacant field. It came from the dugout by the baseball field right next door. I sprinted over to find Giselle, sitting with her arms wrapped around her knees, and Jackie, whose arm draped around her consolingly.

  Saying nothing, I sat on the other side of Giselle and piled my arm around her shoulders. She sat, unmoving, silent tears rolling down her cheeks as she stared into space, presumably reliving the moment she had to approach her locker and realize that no one would ever treat her the same. And for what? Something that was nobody else’s business. I gazed over at Jackie, whose eyes were also bloodshot, her shoulders slumped.

  “How did they find out?” I whispered to Jackie,
hoping she might know the answer. Her gaze was sorrowful, the saddest I had ever seen.

  “Jeanie caught us making out in my room,” she said, the rest easily guessable. “I thought I’d locked the door, but she just burst in. Her smile…God, I knew what would happen next. She didn’t know that I…” and the two of them burst into tears, holding each other close. I sat, grieving the loss of our innocence, wishing that I had the power to change things. I had never felt more helpless in my entire life. We listened as bell after bell rang, the time for teams to hit the field nearing.

  “Let me drive you home,” I said, ignoring the angry growl of my stomach and wondering what my father would say when he got the call that I had missed an entire day of school. I had never done that before…would he discipline me? They both declined.

  “I can take Giselle home…I just, can’t go back there quite yet,” Jackie said, helping Giselle up and guiding her gently to her forest green Honda.

  I watched as they drove away, wishing that I was living someone else’s life. Wishing that Jeanie had never shown up at all. When I got home I had a note from my father on the white board attached to the fridge.

  Working late—use credit card to order something for yourself.

  Dad

  He hadn’t even noticed I was gone.

  ***

  Fortunately, maintenance was kind enough to clean Giselle’s locker quickly, and the next day all evidence was removed. My rant at the crowd had earned me some loyal followers, and suddenly I wasn’t quite so alone. Jeanie still snickered every time she saw me pass.

  “There goes the les lover,” she’d hiss, and her groupies would laugh and laugh. I thought about tripping her. Ripping her hair out. Punching her right in the face. But what good would it do? She’d use her wiles to hurt me more, and probably make my friends suffer as a result. She had no reason to hate Giselle except for me, and I knew that any harm she inflicted on her was a direct hit at me, but I still had no idea why. An old friend of mine sat behind me in all my classes to keep anyone from messing with me, and I gave her a grateful hug.